Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  The yokohama, a Japanese bird, has tail feathers 12 feet long.

  In 2004 a Jesuit community house in Austria made a startling announcement: they had found the gun (verified by its serial number). They donated it to the Vienna Museum of Military History in time for the 90th anniversary of the assassination that started a war that would eventually kill 8.5 million people. Also in the museum are the car in which the couple were riding, the bloodied pillow cover on which the archduke rested his head while dying, and petals from a rose that was attached to Sophie’s belt.

  THE MUSSOLINI MACHINE GUN

  On April 28, 1945, Italian dictator Benito Mussolini and his mistress, Claretta Petacci, were captured while trying to flee into Switzerland. They were executed by an Italian communist named Valter Audisio, who shot the pair with a French-made MAS (Manufacture d’Armes de St. Etienne) 7.65mm submachine gun.

  The gun disappeared until 1973, when Audisio died. He’d kept it in Italy until 1957, when, during a resurgence of Mussolini’s popularity, he secretly gave it to the communist Albanian government for safekeeping. With Audisio’s death, the Albanians proudly displayed the gun “on behalf of the Italian people.” Its home is now Albania’s National Historical Museum. Audisio once wrote that the only reason he used the machine gun was that the two pistols he tried to use had jammed. He also said that he had no orders to shoot Petacci—but she wouldn’t let go of Il Duce.

  LEE HARVEY OSWALD’S GUNS

  The gun that Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly used to assassinate President John F. Kennedy is a Mannlicher-Carcano .38 bolt-action rifle, 40 inches long, and weighs eight pounds. He bought it through a mail-order company for $12.78. Something with as much historical significance as Oswald’s rifle would become the property of the people of the United States, right? Wrong. Murder weapons are normally returned to the families of their owners, and Oswald’s gun was no exception—it was returned to Oswald’s widow. The National Archives purchased the rifle from Marina Oswald. The Archives also has the .38 Special Smith & Wesson Victory revolver that Oswald had with him that day and used (allegedly) to kill Officer J. D. Tippett before being arrested. Two days later, Oswald was shot and killed by Jack Ruby.

  A lantern in the tomb of Buddhist Kobo Daishi has been burning for over 1,100 years.

  JACK RUBY’S GUN

  Ruby was a Dallas strip-club owner and small-time mobster who killed the alleged killer of the president. Just why he did it remains a mystery. But on November 24, 1963, in the basement of the Dallas jail—which at the time was crowded with police officers, reporters, and cameramen—Ruby walked right up to Oswald and shot him once in the side. The gun he used was a .38-caliber Colt Cobra revolver that he bought at Ray’s Hardware and Sporting Goods (on the advice of Dallas police detective Joe Cody).

  The gun was returned to Ruby’s family, where it promptly became tangled in a legal battle over Ruby’s estate between the lawyer who was appointed executor and Ruby’s brother, Earl. It wouldn’t be resolved until 1991, when a judge found for Earl Ruby, who immediately put the gun up for auction and it sold to a collector named A. V. Pugliese. Price: $220,000. In 1992 a friend of Pugliese’s brought it to Washington, D.C., and offered to show it to Speaker of the House Thomas Foley. The gun was seized by police and almost destroyed, per D.C.’s strict gun-control laws, but lawyers were able to get it back. On November 24, 1993, the 30th anniversary of the shooting, Pugliese had Earl Ruby fire 100 shots with the gun and offered the spent shells for sale. Price: $2,500 each. (They only sold a few.)

  SADAAM HUSSEIN’S PISTOL

  When former Iraqi president Sadaam Hussein was captured in a “spider hole” in Iraq in December 2003, he had several weapons with him. One was a pistol. Major General Raymond Odierno reported that Hussein was holding the loaded pistol in his lap when he was captured, but didn’t make a move to use it. The Army had the pistol mounted and, in a private meeting, the Special Forces soldiers who took part in the capture presented it to President George W. Bush.

  When news of the war souvenir broke in May 2004, reporters asked President Bush if he planned to give the pistol to the next Iraqi president. No, he said, it “is now the property of the American government.” The gun is kept in a small study off the Oval Office, and, according to one White House visitor who later spoke to Time magazine, the president “really liked showing it off. He was really proud of it.”

  There are 12,787 licensed taxicabs in New York City.

  HALFTIME

  More than 30 years after the first Super Bowl broadcast, the halftime show is no longer just something to fill TV airtime while the football players rest—it’s now a spectacle unto itself. Here are some highlights.

  HUT HUT HUT!

  1967: Marching bands from the universities of Arizona and Michigan perform.

  1970: The NFL experiments with big-name celebrity halftime entertainers. Their first big star: Carol Channing.

  1972: “A Salute to Louis Armstrong,” with Ella Fitzgerald, Al Hirt, the U.S. Marine Corps Drill Team…and Carol Channing. Armstrong had died the previous summer. Songs included “High Society” and “Hello, Dolly.”

  1976: Up With People, a “clean-cut” troupe of young dancers and singers, kicks off the yearlong American bicentennial celebration with a collection of patriotic songs called “200 Years and Just a Baby.” Up With People returned in 1980 (“Salute to the Big Band Era”), in 1982 (“Salute to the ’60s”), and in 1986 (“The Beat of the Future,” ironically, their last Super Bowl appearance).

  1988: Chubby Checker sings “The Super Bowl Twist” while the Rockettes dance on a giant grand piano–shaped stage. The rest of the field is filled with 88 grand pianos. The occasion: it’s 1988.

  1990: “A Salute to New Orleans and Snoopy’s 40th Birthday,” combines New Orleans musicians (clarinetist Pete Fountain, Cajun fiddler Doug Kershaw, and blues singer Irma Thomas) with 400 dancers, a 500-voice choir, marching bands from three Louisiana colleges, and actors dressed up like characters from the Peanuts comic strip.

  1992: To promote the upcoming Winter Olympics (to be broadcast, like the 1992 Super Bowl, on CBS), Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill figure skate while Gloria Estefan sings a song called “Pump It Up, Frosty.”

  A can of foot powder was once elected mayor of Picoaza, Ecuador.

  1993: Michael Jackson sings “Heal the World,” accompanied by a choir of 3,500 children.

  1995: Disney produces the halftime show, which they use to promote a new Indiana Jones–themed ride at Disneyland with an Indiana Jones–themed show, featuring Patti LaBelle, Tony Bennett, Arturo Sandoval, Miami Sound Machine, and 1,000 dancers.

  1998: “A Salute to Motown’s 40th Anniversary” concludes with Boyz II Men, Smokey Robinson, Martha Reeves, the Temptations, and Queen Latifah all singing “Dancing in the Streets” together.

  2003: Shania Twain performs “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” but is accused of lip-synching.

  2004: Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson play Timberlake’s hit “Rock Your Body.” Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” introduces a new phrase into the lexicon.

  2005: Paul McCartney sings “Drive My Car,” “Get Back,” “Live and Let Die,” and “Hey Jude” (without lip-synching or exposing himself).

  OTHER HALFTIME PERFORMERS OVER THE YEARS

  • Clint Black

  • The Judds

  • James Brown

  • No Doubt

  • Woody Herman

  • Enrique Iglesias

  • Helen O’Connell

  • Toni Braxton

  • U.S. Air Force Band

  • Christina Aguilera

  • New Kids on the Block

  • U2

  • Diana Ross

  • Britney Spears

  • Aerosmith

  • ’NSYNC

  • P. Diddy

  • Mary J. Blige

  • Tanya Tucker

  • Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

  • ZZ Top

  • U.S. Ma
rine Corps

  • Stevie Wonder

  • Drill Team

  • Phil Collins

  • Sting

  • Travis Tritt

  • Nelly

  • The Blues Brothers

  • Kid Rock

  Heads up! 94% of Americans say they would stop to pick up a quarter lying in the street.

  IRONIC, ISN’T IT?

  More tales of irony to help you keep things in perspective.

  UNLUCKY STRIKE

  “A six-year-old racehorse named Rain, Hail or Shine died in its paddock in Wellington, New Zealand, after being struck by lightning. ‘I’ve never heard of it happening before,’ said his trainer, Ralph Manning. ‘But it must have hit us pretty hard. The electric fencing had melted against the wall.’ Waterhouse, a horse which shared the paddock with Rain, Hail or Shine, was unscathed and celebrated its good fortune by running second at a race later that day.”

  —CBS Sports

  THERE GOES THE JUDGE

  “In March 2003, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia accepted an award by the Cleveland City Club for his contributions to freedom of speech, which Scalia said he would be glad to accept at the club’s meeting…provided no television or radio coverage was allowed.”

  —CNN

  TO PROTECT AND WIN

  “A group of policemen from a division that fights illegal gambling in Sao Paulo, Brazil, was caught using illegal gambling machines after witnesses turned them in. The police were gambling at a local bar during work hours.”

  —Lawyers Weekly (Australia)

  HIS CAREER IS SHOT

  “Todd the Human Cannonball has been fired—because he is terrified of flying. It’s not the gun that shoots him 40 feet above the circus ring at 60 mph that scares him; it’s airplanes.

  “When Todd Christian, 26, a lifelong daredevil, injured his knee while performing the stunt, his employers, the Cottle and Austen Circus, decided to send him for safety training at a space center in Brazil. But Christian refused to go.

  Hi, Mom!

  “‘I know it sounds silly because I’m a human cannonball, but if I’m on a plane for a long time, I panic,’ he said. The cannonball’s refusal left circus owners only one option: they fired him.”

  —The Times (U.K.)

  SUFFERING SUFFRAGETTES

  “Kansas State Senator Kay O’Connor, who once said that giving women the vote was a symptom of weakness in the American family, now wants to be Kansas’ top elections official. Senator O’Connor, 63, announced that she is seeking the GOP nomination for secretary of state next year. In 2001 she received national attention for her remarks about the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, ratified in 1920, which gave women the right to vote. ‘The 19th Amendment is a symptom of something I don’t approve of,’ she said at the time. ‘I believe the man should be the head of the family. The woman should be the heart of the family.’”

  —Yahoo! News / AP

  WORKFARCE DEVELOPMENT

  “In October 2003, the Indiana Department of Workforce Development, whose mission is to help unemployed Indiana residents (including those who have lost jobs because their work was contracted overseas), awarded a $15 million computer services contract to Tata American International Corp. Tata was to hire 65 programmers to work on the agency’s information software. Two weeks later, state officials canceled the contract after realizing that Tata is a subsidiary of a Bangalore, India, company and that the 65 programmers were being brought in from India.”

  —Computerworld

  INTELLIGENCE

  “The CIA convened a panel of scientists in January 2003 to discuss potential terrorist uses of life-science research. The panel concluded that, despite the risks, openness in scientific study was absolutely crucial. Two weeks later the CIA said the panel’s conclusions on openness was classified.”

  —Federation of American Scientists News

  In one hour, your heart burns enough energy to raise a ton of lead three feet off the ground.

  WORD GAMES

  Time to test your critical thinking skills. (Answers are on page 517.)

  1. By the Numbers

  Each number below represents a letter in a common word.

  1234567890

  • 1234: carries heredity

  • 456: period of time

  • 567: “I smell a _ _ _.”

  • 890: charged particle

  = _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

  2. Sum Fun

  Both 11+2 and 12+1 equal 13, but they have something else in common. What? (Remember: it’s a word game.)

  3. Painful Words

  He starts and ends two painful words. One comes from too little love; the other comes from too much noise.

  What are the words?

  4. Looking Back

  What do “subcontinental” and “uncomplimentary” have in common?

  5. Magic Words

  What do these three words have in common?

  polish, job, and herb

  6. Branching Out

  Find the tree names hidden in each of these sentences.

  • So then I begged Ma: “Please, please help me!”

  • “Whoa, Kramer, nice entrance,” mused Jerry.

  • That rec room is a nightmare in pastel, Mom!

  • “Eve, I believe we’re made of carbon,” said Adam.

  • Mozart excites me, but Chopin eludes me.

  • Our very own doubting Thomas penned a winner!

  • From the pit he yelled, “I, Jacob, am booming!”

  7. Another Magic Word

  Written in full, this word describes a place that does not exist at all. Yet if you add one space inside the word, it instantly comes right to you.

  What is this magic word?

  8. Weighty Riddle

  Forward I am very heavy, backward I am not.

  What am I?

  Placed end-to-end, the eyelashes you’ll shed in your lifetime will stretch over 98 feet.

  CANADIANS ON CANADA

  Some quotes from the Great White North.

  “Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main import is acid rain.”

  —Pierre Trudeau

  “I have to spend so much time explaining to Americans that I am not English and to Englishmen that I am not American that I have little time left to be Canadian.”

  —Laurence J. Peter

  “Canada is the essence of not being: not English; not American. And a subtle flavour—we’re more like…celery.”

  —Mike Myers

  “We’ll explain the appeal of curling to you if you explain the appeal of the National Rifle Association to us.”

  —Andy Barrie, radio host

  “Canadians don’t have a very big political lever. We’re nice guys.”

  —Paul Henderson, athlete

  “Maybe you live somewhere that doesn’t have snow in April; if so, I hope you appreciate it.”

  —Spider Robinson, author

  “Canadians are the people who learned to live without the bold accents of the natural ego-trippers of other lands.”

  —Marshall McLuhan

  “Hockey captures the essence of Canadian experience. In a land so inescapably and inhospitably cold, hockey is the chance of life, and an affirmation that despite the deathly chill of winter we are alive.”

  —Stephen Leacock

  “The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: keeping the Americans out, the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.”

  —Will Ferguson

  “There’s something romantic about being Canadian. We’re a relatively unpopulated, somewhat civilized, clean, and resourceful country.”

  —k. d. lang

  “I speak English and French, not Klingon. I drink Labatt’s, not Romulan Ale…My name is William Shatner and I AM CANADIAN!”

  —William Shatner

  The clothespin, the circular saw, and the metal-tipped pen were all invented by Shak
ers.

  FIRE 101

  Burning question: Did you ever wonder how fire works? We did. Here’s what we found.

  HOT TOPIC

  The scientific definition of fire is “a rapid, persistent chemical reaction that releases heat and light, especially the exothermic combination of a combustible substance with oxygen.” That chemical reaction is called oxidation, which happens when oxygen atoms in the atmosphere combine with atoms “borrowed” from other elements, in this case, from fuel. (Another form of oxidation: rust—it’s just a lot slower.) For fire to occur, three ingredients must be present:

  • An oxidizing agent. Can come from a pure oxygen source (like a welding tank) or, more commonly, the air. All that’s needed is an atmosphere of at least 16 percent oxygen; normal air is about 21 percent.

  • Fuel. Can be anything from a solid (wood, plastic, or wax), to a liquid (gasoline or alcohol), or a gas (propane).

  • A heat or ignition source. Could be lightning, friction (as when striking a match), focused light, or a chemical reaction.

  YOU’RE FIRED

  For oxidation to take place, the fuel must be heated to a certain temperature, known as the ignition temperature. It’s different for different substances: paper’s ignition temperature, for example, is 451°F. When a fuel reaches its ignition temperature, a chemical reaction occurs that begins to decompose it into flammable gases known as volatiles. Some solids, like wood, go directly from solid to gas, while others, like wax, go from solid to liquid and then to gas. This depends on the chemical makeup of the fuel. In either case, the volatiles then violently interact with the oxygen in the atmosphere—that’s called combustion.