Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  LEGACY

  If you’re lucky enough to find a shoe store that Robert Wadlow visited on one of his publicity tours, it might still have a pair of his shoes on display—he left a pair at every stop. And, if you visit Alton, Illinois, you can see his lifesize bronze statue, erected in 1985. The town museum has a display of some of Robert’s personal possessions.

  During his lifetime Robert resisted being exploited for his size, and he feared that his remains might be exploited, too. So before he died, Robert asked his father to do everything he could to prevent his body from being abused after his death. Accordingly, Harold Wadlow refused to allow a postmortem exam, and he had his son buried under eight inches of reinforced concrete to protect against grave robbers. The family also destroyed Robert’s clothing and most of his oversized personal possessions, to prevent them from being displayed in freak shows.

  “We treated Robert after death just as he would have wanted us to,” biographer Frederic Fadner quotes Harold Wadlow saying in his book The Gentleman Giant. “I am sure that he died with complete confidence in us. We could not and did not betray that confidence after he was gone.”

  Whoa! An alligator can run as fast as a horse.

  ICE CREAM TOILETS

  Communication can be difficult…even in your native language. Here are actual signs posted across America and England.

  In a dry cleaner:

  We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

  At a convention:

  For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care center on the first floor.

  At a camera store:

  One Hour Photos Ready In 20 Minutes

  At a clothing store:

  Men’s wool suits—$10. They won’t last an hour.

  At a health clinic:

  We Unblock Your Constipation With Our Fingers

  At a post office:

  This Door Is Not To Be Used As An Exit Or An Entrance

  At a church:

  No Trespassing Without Permission

  At a basketball court:

  Anyone Caught Hanging from the Rim Will Be Suspended

  At a golf course:

  All Persons Caught Collecting Balls On This Course Will Be Prosecuted And Have Their Balls Removed

  In a bookstore:

  Rare, Out-of-Print, And Non-Existent Books

  In a pizza parlor:

  Open 24 Hours Except 2 a.m. to 8 a.m.

  At a campsite:

  Ice Cream Toilets

  At a drugstore:

  Why be cheated elsewhere when you can come here?

  At a general store:

  We Buy Junk and Sell Antiques

  At a department store:

  Our bikinis are exciting—They are Simply the Tops

  In a pharmacy:

  We Dispense With Accuracy

  At a tire shop:

  My boss told me to put something on the sign

  A single day’s trash from New York City would fill the Empire State Building.

  WARHOLISMS

  Andy Warhol was more than just one of America’s most famous artists. He created “Popism” and became America’s high priest of pop culture. Here are some of his cynical observations about the world he worshipped.

  “If you want to know all about Andy Warhol, just look at the surface of my paintings and films, and there I am. There’s nothing behind it.”

  “I asked 10 or 15 people for suggestions and finally one friend asked the right question, ‘What do you love most?’ That’s how I started painting money.”

  “During the 1960s, I think, people forgot what emotions were supposed to be. And I don’t think they’ve ever remembered.”

  “It’s the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look how you feel about it.”

  “My idea of a good photo is one that’s in focus and of a famous person.”

  “I love Hollywood. Everybody’s plastic, but I love plastic.”

  “I’m afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning.”

  “When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.”

  “I met someone who said wasn’t it great that we’re going to have a movie star for president, that it was so Pop. And when you think about it like that, it is great. It’s so American.”

  “I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.”

  “It would be very glamorous to be reincarnated as a great big ring on Liz Taylor’s finger.”

  “Isn’t life just a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?”

  “I always thought my tombstone should be blank. No epitaph, no name. Well, actually, I’d like it to say ‘figment.’”

  “I’m bored with that line. My new line is, ‘Everybody will be famous in 15 minutes.’”

  The are 44,000,000 ways to make bingo on a 90-number bingo card.

  PARTY GAMES

  Some fun and challenging ways for you and your friends to pass the time.

  UN-THUMB HEROES

  What you need:

  1 roll of Scotch tape 1 roll of wrapping paper

  1 pair of scissors

  1 pair of shoes with laces A pad of paper and pencils

  How to play:

  1. Have the players help each other tape one of their fingers to their thumb.

  2. Now see if they can accomplish different tasks without using their thumbs: tying shoes, wrapping a gift, writing their names.

  3. First to finish wins.

  APPLE BEAR

  How to play:

  1. The first player says a word that begins with A.

  2. The next player repeats the A word, then thinks of a word beginning with B…and so on.

  3. Each player has to say all of the previous words before thinking up a new one.

  4. If someone goofs, start over.

  5. If everyone can make it through the entire alphabet, everybody wins!

  SNIFF TEST

  What you need:

  1 four-inch square of tissue paper

  2 breath mints (optional)

  How to play:

  1. Two players stand nose to nose.

  2. One keeps the tissue stuck to his nostrils by sniffing in.

  3. The other tries to capture the tissue by sniffing it away.

  4. After 30 seconds, whoever has the tissue wins.

  WRITE WRONG WAY

  What you need:

  Paper and pencil 4 thumbtacks

  How to play:

  1. Each player writes his or her name on a piece of paper.

  2. Tack a piece of paper to the wall.

  3. Take a pen and stand on your right leg facing the paper.

  4. Swing your left leg in a circle, clockwise, while writing your name on the paper.

  5. The winner is the player with the closest match to his or her original signature.

  Hot fact: In 1994, scientists discovered a volcano near the South Pole under 1.2 miles of ice.

  PAIN IN THE...

  Now it can be told: An embarrassing product designed for…ahem…southern comfort has a secret history.

  BACKGROUND

  Although it’s designed only to treat hemorrhoids, Preparation H has long been rumored to have other uses. And celebrities and beauty experts aren’t afraid to talk about them.

  • In Beauty: The New Basics, makeup expert Rona Berg advocates using it to reduce water retention under the eyes.

  • Beauty pageant contestants reportedly use Preparation H to temporarily eliminate cellulite.

  • Conan O’Brien admitted on his talk show in 1999 that his makeup artist uses it to reduce the puffiness around his eyes.

  • Peter Lamas, a makeup artist for the Victoria’s Secret catalog, uses Preparation H to eliminate blemishes.

  • Professional bodybuilders
use it to make muscles look bigger by removing excess water.

  • Actress Sandra Bullock uses it to fight wrinkles.

  • Other rumored uses: relieving the pain of dry or cracked skin; healing bed sores and surgical scars; soothing chicken pox; and giving skin a healthy glow.

  Sound crazy? Not really. Preparation H cures hemorrhoids, which are just swollen tissue. Applied as directed, the ointment reduces swelling and relieves pain. And that’s precisely what it does in all those other rumored uses. So if all of this were true, Preparation H would be a wonder drug. It’s even inexpensive. But don’t go down to the neighborhood pharmacy to pick up a case just yet.

  BACKSTORY

  Part of the legend is true: the health and beauty secrets of Preparation H have been known since the 1960s. Americans discovered how it made scars and puffiness disappear, and they passed the word along to friends, who passed it along, and so on. By the early 1990s, the rumors had reached Wyeth Consumer Care—the company that manufactures Preparation H. They were delighted; all these other purported uses could be a gold mine. Wyeth recognized that if Preparation H were marketed as a cosmetic aid or pain reliever, it could eliminate the embarrassment of buying the product. They could sell tons more.

  The national instrument of Polynesia is the nose flute, played with one nostril.

  But in order to sell Preparation H for anything other than its listed use (as a hemorrhoid medication), they would need FDA approval. To prove Preparation H was effective at healing scars and eyebags would require millions of dollars of research and government red tape that could last years. Wyeth ultimately decided it just wasn’t worth it.

  But they were stuck. Once Wyeth knew about the rumor, legally they couldn’t boast of the medication’s alternate uses. Besides, they’d be opening themselves up to lawsuits. So in 1995 they reformulated Preparation H. The chemical responsible for the skin and tissue healing, biodyne, a yeast derivative, was replaced with phenylephrine HCI, a compound that restricts blood vessels, which limits its effectiveness to treating only hemorrhoids. The newer formula is also without shark oil, which supposedly made the old Preparation H an excellent fish bait.

  HINDSIGHT

  So the golden age of Preparation H is over, right? Nope. The FDA has jurisdiction over only American drugs. Original-formula Preparation H, with biodyne and shark oil, is still available in Canada (and can be shipped to neighboring countries). The stuff you buy in the United States cures only hemorrhoids—it’s completely useless to rub on your baggy eyes. So if all those movie stars and makeup experts are using Preparation H, they’re probably getting it from Canada. In fact, used non-hemorrhoidally, the new formula might actually hurt you: phenylephrine has been shown to dangerously raise blood pressure.

  * * *

  “I don’t think necessity is the mother of invention. Invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness.”

  —Agatha Christie

  In 75 years, the human heart pumps enough blood to fill an oil tanker 46 times.

  Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS

  More questions, with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts.

  AH CHEW

  Q: Why does pepper make us sneeze?

  A: “Piperine, a chemical in pepper, is the culprit. It provides the biting sensation that accompanies the aroma to the mouth when tasted. Since piperine bites the tongue, it obviously also bites the delicate membranes of the nose. Our table pepper, though, tends to be ground finely. When pepper particles are drawn into the nose, our body has the good sense to try to expel them, just as it would try to expel any other dust particles…by sneezing.” (From What Are Hyenas Laughing At, Anyway? by David Feldman)

  GOT QUESTION?

  Q: Why is milk white?

  A: “Since cows eat grass all day, it would make more sense if milk were green, right? But milk is full of casein—a protein rich in calcium—which is white. Milk also contains cream, which has fat, which is also white. That’s why low-fat and skim milks are not as white as whole milk.” (From Why Do Donuts Have Holes? by Don Voorhees)

  TONGUE TWISTERS?

  Q: Why do people sometimes stick out their tongues when they’re concentrating on a hard job?

  A: “When you need to concentrate on something—say, a word problem—you are using the part of the brain also used for processing motor input. Ever see people slow down when they’re thinking of something difficult while walking? It’s caused by the two activities fighting for the same bit of brain to process them. By biting your lip or sticking your tongue out, you’re keeping your head rigid and suspending motor activity, and hence, minimizing interference.” (From The Last Word 2 by the New Scientist magazine)

  “It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” —Arthur C. Clarke

  BIG, STARRING HARRISON FORD

  Some roles are so closely associated with a specific actor that it’s hard to imagine he or she wasn’t the first choice. But it happens all the time. Can you imagine, for example…

  FRED ASTAIRE AS WILLY WONKA (Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, 1971) Astaire lobbied hard to get the lead in the film version of Roald Dahl’s novel, but was too old (he was 70). Joel Grey was also considered, but was too short (5'5"). Then they offered it to Gene Wilder, who only agreed to do it if he could perform a somersault in his first scene.

  MARILYN MANSON AS WILLY WONKA (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, 2005) When Warner Bros. announced they were remaking the film, Manson really wanted the lead role. And director Tim Burton thought the controversial music star could pull it off, too. But citing “scheduling conflicts,” Manson ultimately withdrew his name. Other stars considered: Nicolas Cage, Christopher Walken, Steve Martin, Robin Williams, and Michael Keaton. In the end, Burton chose his friend Johnny Depp, who says he based part of his Wonka character on…Marilyn Manson.

  MEL GIBSON AS ROMAN MAXIMUS (Gladiator, 2000) Director Ridley Scott’s first choice for the lead was Gibson, who had proven he could carry an epic in Braveheart (1995). But by 2000, Gibson was in his late 40s. “I’m getting a bit old for this, don’t you think?” he asked. So Scott went with his second choice, Russell Crowe, and it turned out to be a good one: Crowe won the Oscar for Best Actor and the film won Best Picture.

  DANIEL DAY-LEWIS AS ARAGORN (The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001) From the beginning, Peter Jackson envisioned Day-Lewis starring in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so he offered him the part. But at the same time, Martin Scorsese handpicked Day-Lewis to play Bill, the villain in Gangs of New York (2002). He read both scripts and decided that Bill was a more interesting character, so he went with Gangs. The Aragorn role then went to Stuart Townsend, who was fired soon after filming began because Jackson thought he was “too young.” At the last minute, Viggo Mortensen was brought in.

  Lawns cover more than 150,000 square miles of the U.S., or almost 4% of the total area.

  GEORGE CLOONEY AS JACK LOPATE (Sideways, 2004) Clooney really wanted the part of the washed-up actor in Alexander Payne’s hit film about two men who travel through California’s wine country. Payne liked Clooney, but thought he was too famous to be believable as a washed-up actor. So Payne went out and found a real washed-up actor, Thomas Hayden Church.

  CARY GRANT AS GEORGE BAILEY (It’s a Wonderful Life, 1946) This Christmas classic may have never been made without Cary Grant. Why? He urged his studio, RKO Radio Pictures, to purchase the film rights to a short story called “The Greatest Gift of All.” (The author had been trying to sell it, but no studio wanted it until Grant showed interest.) RKO screenwriters were unable to turn the dark story into one that Grant liked, so he dropped the project. A few years later, director Frank Capra got ahold of the script and rewrote it for James Stewart.

  HARRISON FORD AS JOSH BASKIN (Big, 1988) Steven Spielberg was set to direct Big and wanted Ford to play the 13-year-old boy. But Spielberg dropped out, fearing that his presence would take the spotlight from his sister Anne, who cowrote the script. Penny M
arshall was offered the director’s chair and wanted Tom Hanks, but he was busy making Dragnet. Robert De Niro was asked to star, but he demanded too much money ($6 million). They courted Jeff Bridges, but he turned it down. By that time, Hanks was available. (Debra Winger was set to play his love interest, but she got pregnant. So she suggested Elizabeth Perkins, who got the part.)

  RICHARD GERE AS JOHN MCCLANE (Die Hard, 1988) Bruce Willis was actually the fifth choice to play the role. It was first offered to Richard Gere, one of the biggest box office draws of the 1980s. But Gere turned it down. Why? At the time he was exploring Buddhism, and Die Hard was too violent for him. He took a hiatus from making movies and worked on human rights causes until 1990’s Pretty Woman.

  How about you? Most women sleep on their back, most men sleep on their stomach.

  VANISHED!

  Hey—this stuff was really important. Where’d it all go?

  CARD CATALOGS

  From the late 1800s, libraries kept records of all the books they owned on 3 x 5" cards, filed in large wooden bureaus with card-sized drawers. Every book had at least three cards: one each for title, author, and subject (and sometimes more than one subject). As libraries grew, so did the card catalogs. By 1980, the Library of Congress had 60 million in their catalog; the New York Public Library had 8,973 drawers full. Card catalogs were filling up entire rooms and hallways. The solution: computers. In 1981 a branch of the Chicago Public Library became the first in America with a computerized index. Over the next 15 years, more than 95 percent of American libraries adopted electronic indexing systems. Endless scrolling of pages on a computer screen replaced endless riffling through giant drawers of cards. Most libraries even offer their indexes on the Internet. (Ironically, libraries now have multiple computers on their premises, which in some cases take up almost as much room as the card catalogs did.)