Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  POOBOTS

  Experts at the University of the West of England in Bristol have developed a robot that creates its own power supply: it attracts flies, then eats them, then turns them into electricity. But there’s a catch. The “EcoBot II” uses a reserve of human excrement to attract the flies. The robot digests the bugs in eight fuel cells. It uses the bacteria from the excrement to break down the sugars in the flies, releasing electrons that create an electric current. The scientists’ goal is to eventually make the EcoBot II predatory, finding and devouring flies on its own whenever it senses that its energy reserves are low. Until then, however, it has to be manually fed fistfuls of dead flies to supplement those attracted by the poop.

  JOCKBOTS

  In May 2005, teams of scholars from colleges around the world met at the Georgia Institute of Technology for the RoboCup U.S. Open, a series of five robotic competitions. The aim of the contest was to develop a team of robots that by the year 2050 will be technologically advanced enough to play soccer against a human team. Among the events: five-inch-tall robots play soccer with a golf ball; robot dogs play soccer; and teams of humans play soccer against robots while riding Segway power scooters.

  The first “cartoons” with speech balloons were drawn by the early Aztecs.

  JOCKEYBOTS

  The most popular spectator sport in the United Arab Emirates is camel racing. The traditional choice for camel jockeys has always been children—they’re small and lightweight. Until now. When human rights groups actively started to condemn the practice as a form of slavery, U.A.E. Interior Minister Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed al-Nahayan found an alternative: he hired several private high-tech labs to create a generation of robot jockeys. The tiny, human-looking robots are smaller and lighter than child jockeys and respond to commands via a remote control system mounted on the camel.

  BALLBOTS

  The University of Uppsala, Sweden, has developed a new security system and burglar deterrent: a ten-pound robot in the shape of a 20-inch black ball. Equipped with radar and infrared sensors, when it senses an intruder, it follows one of many preprogrammed courses of action: it can dial the police, sound an alarm, repeatedly take the burglar’s picture, or pursue the thief at up to 20 mph—faster than a human being. It even gives chase over water, mud, and ice.

  DOCBOT

  A robot used at the University of California–San Francisco Medical Center for delivering medicine to patients’ rooms ran amok in June 2005. Rather than going to the hospital pharmacy to pick up medications as programmed, Waldo the Robot sped past the pharmacy at a high speed and zoomed wildly into the hospital’s cancer ward. Waldo barged into an examination room where a doctor was administering radiation treatment to a cancer patient and then he finally stopped…for good. He suddenly wouldn’t move, leave the room, or respond to commands. The patient, however, ran out of the room, screaming in terror.

  * * *

  “It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted.”

  —Marie O’Conner

  Arnold Schwarzenegger holds a degree in marketing and business administration.

  LET’S DO A STUDY!

  If you’re worried that the really important things in life aren’t being researched by our scientists…keep worrying.

  In 2004 researchers at Odeon Cinemas determined that celebrities making appearances at awards shows and movie premieres expose an average of 59 percent of their skin. That’s up from 39 percent in 1994. After scanning thousands of celebrity photographs and videos, they also determined that the least skin-flaunting decade was the 1970s, when stars showed off just 7 percent. If the trend continues at this rate, the researchers say, movie stars will be 75 percent naked by 2010. (Woo hoo!)

  • Thirty medical students at University College of London studied Gollum, a character in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and determined that his split personality, spiteful behavior, wild mood swings, and extreme paranoia indicate a presence of schizophrenia and/or multiple personality disorder. In addition, his bulging eyes and slight, skeletal body suggest a thyroid problem.

  • Why has the redheaded, baby-faced Belgian comic-book sleuth Tintin seemed to remain the same age over the course of 50 years? According to Claude Cyr of Sherbrooke University in Quebec, it’s not because the authors chose to keep him that way. Cyr studied 23 comics and found that Tintin lost consciousness nearly 50 times, concluding that this string of accidents delayed Tintin’s physical growth as well as the onset of adolescence.

  • Researchers at the University of Hungary in Budapest analyzed videos of sporting events at which the “Wave” was being performed. They noted it almost always moves clockwise around the stadium, travels at a speed of about 40 feet per second, and that the average width of a wave is 15 rows of seats.

  • In 2005 Children’s Hospital in Boston announced that according to their research, eating a lot of fast food leads to obesity. Doctors observed 3,000 young people in a cardiac health study and discovered that the kids who ate burgers and fries more than twice a week gained an average of 10 pounds more than those who ate fast food less than once a week.

  Too much information? The human body produces about 7 miles of hair per year.

  THE CURSE OF THE ICEMAN

  In Uncle John’s Ultimate Bathroom Reader, we told you about the 5,300-year-old “Iceman” that was found in the Austrian Alps in 1991. Now it seems he’s cursed the people who disturbed his resting place. Is it possible? Read on and decide for yourself…if you dare.

  BACKGROUND

  In September 1991, some people hiking high in the Tyrolean Alps along the Austrian/Italian border found a body sticking out of a melting glacier. It turned out to be the world’s oldest fully preserved human, and the first ever found with “everyday clothing and equipment,” including a copper axe, a dagger, and a bow with arrows. Because the body was found in a small protective basin that would have provided shelter from bad weather, archaeologists initially assumed that he got caught in a freak storm, sought shelter in the basin, and then froze to death.

  In the years that followed the discovery, scientists subjected the remains to countless medical and diagnostic tests to see what they could learn about it. When they ran a CAT scan (a procedure similar to an X-ray), they made a startling discovery: the Iceman had a flint arrowhead lodged in his shoulder. Then, when the scientists reexamined a surviving fragment of the Iceman’s coat, they noticed a tear in the coat that matched the arrowhead’s location in his shoulder. DNA tests on the Iceman’s knife and from one of his arrows revealed traces of blood from three different humans. He also had fresh, deep cuts on his hands, wrists, and chest.

  Based on this evidence, the scientists came up with a new theory on how the Iceman died: he wasn’t killed by the weather, he was shot in the back during a fight.

  CURSED?

  It stands to reason that the Iceman—also called Oetzi, or Ötzi, because he was discovered in the Ötztal Alps—would be mad at the people who killed him. But is he also angry at the people who, 5,300 years later, disturbed his resting place? In the 14 years since his body was discovered, several people associated with the discovery have died. Consider what happened to these people:

  World record: Germans eat the most sugar (about 32 lb. per person per year).

  • Helmut Simon, 67, the man who, along with his wife Erika, first stumbled on the Iceman while hiking through the Tyrolean Alps in 1991. In October 2004, Simon returned to the Alps for his first visit since finding the body. On October 15, he went on another hike, in what seemed to be good weather, but was caught in a freak blizzard. Several days later his frozen body was found at the bottom of a 300-foot cliff. “We only get one or two deaths a year from people caught in bad weather,” a spokesperson for the Austrian mountain rescue service told reporters after Simon’s body was recovered. “For this to happen to the man who discovered the Iceman, and for his life to be claimed in the same way as that of his discovery, has caused a
lot of people to take seriously the question of whether there really is a curse on those who moved the body.”

  • Dr. Rainer Henn, 64, head of the forensic team that removed the Iceman from the glacier and transported the body to a laboratory in Innsbruck, Austria. Henn died in a car accident in 1992 while on his way to give a lecture on Oetzi.

  • Kurt Fritz, 52, the climbing guide who led Dr. Henn to the place where the Iceman was discovered. In 1993 Fritz was killed in an avalanche. And he was the only one killed—the other members of his climbing party were spared.

  • Rainer Hoelzl, 47, the Austrian television journalist who was granted permission to film the Iceman’s removal from the glacier. Not long afterward Hoelzl was diagnosed with a brain tumor; he died in 2004.

  • Dieter Warnecke, 45, wasn’t directly associated with the Iceman, but he was the leader of the search team that found Helmut Simon’s body. Warnecke dropped dead of a heart attack within an hour of Simon’s funeral.

  • Konrad Spindler, the Innsbruck University archaeologist who headed the Iceman investigation team, was asked if he believed in the curse. “It is all media hype,” he answered. “The next thing the media will be saying is that I am next on the list.” He was. Five months later, Spindler died of complications from multiple sclerosis.

  Makes sense: Venice is the most frequently flooded city on Earth.

  FINAL THOUGHT

  Even if the Iceman does have a beef with the people who disturbed his rest and poked and prodded his mummified remains, he doesn’t seem to mind visitors. When Oetzi was moved to the South Tyrol Museum of Archaeology in Bolzano, Italy, the local tourist trade shot up by an estimated 4 million euros per year. If anything, the “curse” has helped business, not hurt it.

  Today tens of thousands of people visit the museum and file past the Iceman’s refrigerated chamber for a quick peek. And as far as anyone can tell, he hasn’t bothered any of them.

  * * *

  UNCLE JOHN’S STALL OF SHAME

  Honoree: Bob Apple, a city councilman and bar owner in Spokane, Washington

  Dubious Achievement: Removing the toilet paper from the restrooms of his bar

  True Story: In August 2005, citing cost-cutting measures, patrons at Bob Apple’s Comet restaurant who needed to use the facilities were told to “check out a roll” from the bartender, leaving their driver’s license as collateral. Councilman Apple blamed his customers’ “continuous thefts of toilet paper products” as the reason for the rash move.

  Concerned citizens didn’t take the new rule sitting down. Doug Clark, a columnist for the Spokesman-Review and patron of the Comet, went to a local Costco and bought a bundle of bathroom tissue. “We’re talking 45 rolls of two-ply,” he wrote. “Five hundred sheets per roll. That’s 45,000 total squares—enough quality wipeage to handle a Comet crowd even on chili dog night.”

  He wrapped the bundle in a red, white, and blue ribbon, marched down to city hall, and put the rolls on Apple’s desk. Clark also gave the councilman a card that was signed with: “Here’s hoping everything comes out all right in the end.”

  That helped convince Apple to change the rule—that and the fact that the Washington Health Department threatened to shut down the Comet if he didn’t restock his stalls.

  Going bearfoot? Some Native Americans wore boots made from the legs of bears.

  HIPPOS IN THE NEWS

  Take a walk on the wild side—with hippos.

  THE TORTOISE AND THE HIPPO

  In January 2005 a dehydrated baby hippo was found on the coast of Kenya by wildlife rangers. Flooding caused by the Indian Ocean tsunamis of 2004 had separated it from its mother. The one-year-old calf, nicknamed “Owen” by the rangers, was taken to a wildlife sanctuary—where he quickly befriended a 100-year-old male tortoise named “Mzee.” Park officials said the baby hippo had adopted the tortoise as its mother and that the two “had become inseparable.” Park manager Paula Kahumbu said, “Owen follows Mzee around and licks his face.”

  HIPP-O BEHAVE, BABY!

  Zookeepers at the Berlin Zoo announced in 2005 that Europe’s oldest hippo needed medication…contraceptive medication. The 53-year-old hippo, Bullette, had already birthed 20 calves in her life and had been observed “energetically mating” with her longtime mate, Ede. The zookeepers were afraid that having another calf could kill Bullette, so they started giving the 6,000-pound hippo “bread-roll size” birth-control pills. They also said it was very uncommon for a hippo of such an age to still show any interest in sex.

  HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO

  In 1998 Thailand’s Pattaya Mail newspaper reported that a “circus dwarf” named Od had died in a bizarre hippo-related accident. The longtime performer apparently bounced sideways off a trampoline and landed right in the mouth of a yawning hippopotamus. Hilda the Hippo, the story said, instinctively swallowed, and the unfortunate Od came to an odd end. The 1,000-plus spectators on hand thought it was part of the act and applauded wildly…until they realized that a tragedy had occurred.

  Note: It never happened. The story did appear in the Thai newspaper, just as it has in many other newspapers around the world since at least 1994, but it has been exposed as an urban legend.

  Cool fact: NASA astronaut underwear is lined with tubes of water to prevent overheating.

  OOPS!

  More tales of outrageous blunders.

  RECIPE FOR DISASTER

  “The April 2004 issue of Southern Living magazine had an unusually explosive feature: the icebox dinner roll. Step one of the recipe called for boiling one cup of water and a half-cup of shortening over high heat for five minutes. Obviously they hadn’t tested it themselves. The result was a bubbling concoction of melted fat that erupted on stovetops, injuring at least five Southern Living readers, including one who needed treatment for burns. John Olson, a food scientist at rival Cook’s Illustrated magazine, who tried the recipe, calls the mixture ‘like napalm.’ The magazine issued the first product recall in its nearly 40-year history, asking distributors to yank copies of the issue from newsstands.”

  —Wall Street Journal

  FINGER FOOD

  “A woman from Saransk, Russia, almost lost her hand after putting it into a tank filled with piranhas. She was trying to clean the tank when the carnivorous fish attacked her in a feeding frenzy during which they stripped the flesh from two fingers. The predators only let go when the woman smashed them against the side of the tank. She thought the tank, which belonged to her son, contained goldfish. A neighbor said: ‘She had no idea the pet fish in the tank were predators.’”

  —FemaleFirst

  HOW DO YOU SPELL PRESIDANTIAL?

  “The White House went all-out to showcase the advantages of President Bush’s ambitious financial agenda this week, but in the end the ‘challenges’ proved too much. The word ‘challenges’—a main theme of a two-day White House economic conference that ended on Thursday—was misspelled on a large television monitor that stood in front of Bush during a panel discussion. ‘Financial Challanges for Today and Tomorrow,’ the message proclaimed in dark blue capital letters against a bright yellow background.”

  —Reuters

  Safety first: A Japanese company has invented training wheels for high heels.

  THE EYES HAVE IT

  “Sunshine Coast great-grandmother Terry Horder got the fright of her life when she accidentally stuck her eyes shut with super glue. The 78-year-old was defrosting the fridge when her eyes started watering and she reached for a bottle of allergy eye drops. But instead of grabbing the medicated drops she got Loctite 401. Her husband of 57 years, Joe Horder, said his normally outspoken wife was suddenly very quiet. ‘Normally you can’t shut her up but she went very silent and I just heard this little voice say, “Dad, I think I’ve glued my eyes shut,”’ Mr. Horder said. Mr. Horder called Triple-0 (Australia’s 911) and paramedics soon arrived to take her to Caloundra Hospital’s emergency ward.

  “‘They soaked my eyes for around five minutes and then
pried the lashes apart, which wasn’t pleasant. But about 10 minutes later I was good as new,’ she said.”

  —Queensland [Australia] Newspapers

  ON THE WRONG TRACK

  “Trains on a busy German route were delayed for hours after a train driver pulled the emergency brake fearing that a man next to the tracks was trying to kill himself. Authorities then closed the track, causing a chain reaction that delayed 11 trains for 4.5 hours. Police said the 70-year-old man was spotted as he leaned over the track near Cologne, but it turned out he was just trying to reach some blackberries.”

  —USA Today

  BRAINS NOT INCLUDED

  “The state government’s computer networks shut down for 16 hours in a power failure earlier this week. Computers froze for an entire business day. Result: Many offices had to close and court-ordered child support payments were delayed to 516,000 children. The shutdown could have been prevented if officials had heeded a warning that the computers needed replacement batteries.”

  —Atlanta Journal-Constitution

  * * *

  Chinese proverb: “Don’t laugh at age. Pray to reach it.”

  Artist Salvador Dalí once designed a telephone shaped like a lobster.

  WHAT A DOLL

  The people who came up with these dolls must have been as empty-headed as the dolls themselves.

  NEEDIES (2005)

  Manufactured by Codependent Designs, which says Needies are “like rain on a sunshiny day.” They’re depressed, emotionally fragile…and needy. Dannie, Mossie, and Brettie require constant hugging and squeezing, which they reward by dishing out flattering compliments. Stop hugging them and they cry. And if you’re hugging another Needie doll (which they can sense via an electronic hookup) they’ll bad-mouth the other doll. The company says these dolls are inspired by “codependent, high-maintenance relationships.”