Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  PRUDE: Satirical news anchor Jon Stewart’s book America (The Book) spent more than 15 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list and was named Book of the Year by Publishers Weekly magazine…but that didn’t stop eight southern Mississippi libraries from banning it. Reason: the satirical book contains a phony photograph of all nine Supreme Court justices in the nude. “We’re not an adult bookstore,” says Robert Willits, director of the Jackson-George Regional Library System. “Our collection is open to the entire public.”

  Handy: Prince Philip of Calabria always wore 16 pairs of gloves at the same time.

  NUDE: As of January 2005, the Houston Police Department is relaxing its requirement that undercover vice officers remain fully clothed while trying to bust brothels that masquerade as spas, massage parlors, and “stress relief clinics.” The no-nudity policy made it easy for the prostitutes to spot undercover cops: all they had to do was ask customers to disrobe before propositioning them—anyone who didn’t was obviously a cop. Now, says Harris County District Attorney Ted Wilson, disrobing “is something the officers can do, if necessary, to gather sufficient evidence.”

  PRUDE: In March 2005, Texas State Representative Al Edwards introduced a bill in the state legislature to reduce funding to state schools that permit “sexually suggestive” cheerleading at athletic events. “It’s just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they’re shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down,” Edwards told a reporter. “And then we say to them, ‘Don’t get involved in sex unless it’s marriage or love, it’s dangerous out there.’ And yet the teachers and directors are helping them to go through those kinds of gyrations.”

  NUDE: Tired of watching CNN and FoxNews? If you live in Europe and subscribe to satellite TV, now you can watch Naked News on the Get Lucky TV channel. On Naked News, strippers read the news as they strip. Caveat: if the news is really bad, you won’t get to see much nudity. “We are quite sensitive to certain issues, one, of course, being death,” says stripper/news anchor Samantha Page. “We try to be as respectful as we can, and what we tend to do is leave our clothes on.”

  PRUDE: In 2003 the owner of the Station Cafe in Berlin, Connecticut, posted a gag sign outside his business advertising “Naked Karaoke.” The bar owner, Marty St. Pierre, was only joking, but when the town hall threatened to fine and even arrest him if he held the event, he decided to fight back. He filed suit against the town and won…and attracted more than 120 participants to his first Naked Karaoke night.

  Heavy metal: Steel floats in mercury.

  WELCOME TO NUNAVUT

  Geography quiz: Who’s the biggest landowner in North America? Bill Gates? The Rockefeller family? Not even close—the Inuit of Canada. They recently reclaimed ownership over a giant portion of northern Canada. Here’s the fascinating story.

  PEOPLE OF THE NORTH

  About 1,300 years ago, a small civilization developed on the coast of the Bering Sea in northwest Alaska. The Thule culture was built around the hunting of sea mammals, primarily whales. They lived in permanent villages along the coast and had a wide variety of sophisticated tools: dogsleds, seal skin umiaks and kayaks, harpoons, knives, snow goggles, combs, and sewing gear made from bone and ivory. Thule culture thrived there for about 200 years. Then they got some help from Mother Nature.

  About A.D. 1000, the Northern Hemisphere experienced a warming trend that resulted in less ice on the Arctic Sea. This allowed the Thule to expand to Alaska’s north coast, then east along Canada’s. And they did expand: within just 200 years the Thule inhabited a region that stretched from Alaska all the way across northern Canada, and even into Greenland. (The name “Thule” comes from an ancient site found in Thule, Greenland.) But they would grow to their largest numbers in northern Canada, where their descendants still live today. Their native Canadian neighbors, the Algonquin Indians, called them “Eskimos,” which linguists believe refers to snowshoes, but they called themselves “Inuit”—the People.

  NEW NEIGHBORS

  The Inuit thrived in the far north for the next several centuries. Evidence suggests that sometime in the 13th century they had their first contact with Europeans, encountering Viking settlements on Greenland. There may have even been some trade between the two groups, but the Vikings were gone from the island by the 1400s and the Inuit had it to themselves.

  Pope John Paul II canonized 1,340 saints, more than any other pope.

  In the 1500s and early 1600s, contact increased as Europeans pushed farther into North America. Most of the meetings were unfriendly, with several skirmishes and deaths on both sides. But in the later part of the century, the Hudson’s Bay Company of England set up a number of trading posts, and trade between the two groups began on a regular basis. Through the 1700s the Inuit regularly exchanged furs of animals such as seals, wolverines, and arctic foxes for manufactured European goods such as tools, hunting gear, and wool blankets.

  If that trade seemed beneficial at first, over time it proved disastrous. Hunting with rifles and steel traps was a lot easier than using spears and bows and arrows, but it caused animal populations to plummet. The Inuit relied on those animals not only for trade but also for clothing and shelter. When the animals began to disappear, the Inuit became increasingly dependent on European goods, while at the same time having less to offer for them. They began a century-long slide into dependency, poverty, and despair.

  THE NORTHWEST TERRITORIES

  While they were losing their traditional way of life, the Inuit were also losing control of their land. By the mid-19th century, the Hudson’s Bay Company “owned” most of modern-day Canada, including virtually all Inuit lands. In 1870 the company’s land was sold to the newly formed Dominion of Canada and designated as the Northwest Territories (NWT). The Inuit lands, as well as those of many other native tribes, ended up as part of the territory.

  The Inuit were just one small group in the vast territory and had almost no say in the government. Over the decades large chunks of the region gained independent governing powers as they became the provinces of Manitoba, Saskatchewan, and Alberta, as well as the Yukon Territory, but the rest remained under the control of a federally appointed commissioner. Even after power was transferred to an elected assembly in 1967, the Inuit were still outnumbered and outvoted by the whites and other natives who lived in the non-Inuit lands to the south and west. The Inuit did not trust that the government understood their problems or was responsive to their needs.

  They wanted their land back.

  State with the most Civil War battles: Virginia (519), followed by Tennessee (298).

  TIME TO SPLIT

  The concept of splitting the NWT into Inuit and non-Inuit areas first surfaced in the early 1960s. It didn’t make much headway until a landmark Canadian Supreme Court decision in 1973: The Nisga’a Indians of British Columbia argued that they had an “aboriginal claim” to Canadian territory since they had been there for so much longer than Europeans. The court agreed. And that was enough for the Inuit Tapirisat of Canada (ITC), an organization that represents the rights of Canadian Inuit, to begin a formal push for a separate Inuit territory within Canada.

  In 1976 the Canadian government agreed to enter into negotiations with the ITC for the creation of a territory that would be known as Nunavut, which means “our land” in Inuktitut, the Inuit language. It turned out to be a long, slow process. It took until 1982 for a vote on the idea to go to the people. It passed. Then they had to work out the details. That took another ten years. In 1992 the final agreement was put to a vote…and passed. The following year the Canadian government ratified the agreement.

  ALMOST HOME

  The Canadian government agreed to a triangle-shaped Inuit territory in north-central and eastern Canada, more than 770,000 square miles in size—roughly the same size as western Europe. The Inuit would gain outright title to 135,000 square miles of the territory; the rest would remain the property of the federal government, but the Inuit would have the right to hunt and fish on
the land. The federal government also retained control of the mineral rights to all but 14,000 square miles of the territory, but the Inuit would be guaranteed a royalty on any oil or minerals extracted from Nunavut. In addition, the Canadian government agreed to pay the Inuit more than $1 billion Canadian to settle any and all remaining territorial claims.

  It still took another six years to set up the new government, but finally, on April 1, 1999, the Nunavut Territory came in to being and the Inuit, who had been there for 1,000 years, had their land back. Paul Okalik, a 34-year-old Inuit lawyer who had served as deputy negotiator on the land claim, was elected Nunavut’s first premier. Okalik was re-elected to a second term in 2004.

  Money down the drain? A single space shuttle toilet costs $24 million.

  NUNAVUT FACTS

  • Nunavut may be as big as western Europe and the largest territory in Canada, but only 29,000 people live there in only 28 isolated and largely icebound communities.

  • Eighty percent of the people in Nunavut are Inuit.

  • Nunavut is nearly as big as Alaska and California combined.

  • The northernmost town in the territory, Alert, is the northernmost inhabited town in the world. It is less than 600 miles from the North Pole.

  • Nunavut is the largest area in the world to be governed by aboriginal people.

  • Six thousand people live in the capital city, Iqaluit, which means “many fish,” on the eastern shore of Baffin Island. The only way to get there is by boat or airplane, and there are no street numbers or even any street names—except for one: the Road to Nowhere.

  * * *

  PAPER OR PLASTIC?

  Some items and prices from a 1961 grocery store flyer.

  5-piece Wrench Set: 97¢

  Men’s Cotton Pajamas: $1.00

  Grass Seed, 5 lb.: 88¢

  Deluxe Rubber Bathmat: 58¢

  Ladies Socks: 25¢

  Asparagus: 29¢/bunch

  California Oranges: 10 for 45¢

  Good ’N’ Rich Cake Mix: 7¢

  Ritz Crackers: 33¢

  Waldorf Toilet Tissue: 35¢

  Kellogg’s Corn Flakes: 2 for 25¢

  Pillsbury Flour, 5 lbs: 39¢

  Corn: 5 ears for 29¢

  Coffee: 57¢/lb.

  Rib Roast: 69¢/lb.

  Bumble Bee Tuna: 3 cans for $1

  Hydrox Cookies: 39¢

  Wisk, ½ gallon: $1.39

  Celery: 17¢/bunch

  Sirloin Steak: 89¢/lb.

  Haddock Fillet: 38¢/lb.

  Chuck Roast: 34¢/lb.

  Jumbo Insulated Picnic Bag: 88¢

  Philadelphia Cream Cheese: 29¢

  Kosher Salami: 69¢/lb.

  Chicken: 25¢/lb.

  Tomatoes: 2 cartons for 25¢

  Peaches, 29-oz. Cans: 4 for 98¢

  Still, it’s worth it: Ancient Greeks believed drinking beer would cause leprosy.

  FROSTED LUNGS AND HALIBUT HEADS

  Here are a few Alaskan terms Uncle John picked up the year he wintered in Anchorage with the white eyes and the scissor bills. Enjoy!

  • Squaw candy. Dried, smoked salmon. Squaw candy was one of the preserved foods that helped Alaskans survive the long, hard winter months.

  • Boomer. Someone who comes to work in Alaska only during economic booms, such as during the construction of the Alaskan pipeline.

  • Nooshnik. An outhouse.

  • Frosted lungs. A pain in the chest similar to frostbite that you get when breathing air that is colder than –30°F.

  • White eye. A dog with one white eye and one normal eye.

  • Bear insurance. A gun brought with you during outdoor activities such as fishing or hiking, to protect yourself if you are attacked by a bear.

  • America. The other 49 states, also known as “outside.” (Alaska didn’t become a state until 1959, and it took the old-timers a while to get used to the idea.)

  • The Banana Belt. The area around Anchorage and Cook Inlet—comparatively warmer than the rest of the state.

  • Skunk bear. A wolverine. (Looks kind of like a bear, smells like a skunk.)

  • Greasy thumb. Greedy, dishonest. During the gold rush of 1897, miners often paid for things by holding open their pouch of gold dust and letting a merchant or bartender reach in and take a pinch. Dishonest merchants greased their index finger and thumb to increase the amount of gold that stuck.

  • Candlefish. A species of fish so oily that, when dried, it can be lit with a match and used as a candle.

  • Salmon cruncher. A derogatory Caucasian term for the Inuit.

  • Halibut head. Derogatory Inuit (Eskimo) term for Caucasians.

  • Scissor bill. Halibut head.

  Penny pinchers: 75% of Americans say they save pennies.

  THE PAJAMA REPORT

  We’ve written about “Underwear in the News” in previous Bathroom Readers. We thought we’d dress up a little for this one.

  PAJAMA PROTEST

  “Johannesburg, South Africa, nurses are wearing pajamas and nighties to work to demonstrate the need for a higher uniform allowance. They vowed to continue until their demands are met, citing a yearly figure of 54 rand ($9) for shoes. Officials said the protest was a potential security problem as it made it difficult to distinguish between patients and nurses, meaning anyone could walk into the hospital pretending to be a nurse. A spokesman for the North West health department complained that the protest was ‘confusing patients and turning our facilities into bedrooms.’”

  —Reuters

  ARMED AND PAJAMEROUS

  “A bank robber adopted an unusual disguise when he held up a bank in Bexley, Ohio. Police say the man walked into National City Bank on Saturday wearing blue and white checkered pajamas, and bedroom slippers open at the heels. He didn’t have a mask. Of the man’s outfit, Sgt. Bryan Holbrook of the Bexley Police Department said: ‘It was a little unusual, yes, but then robbing banks is an unusual practice anyway.’”

  —Whiteboard News

  LIFE-SAVING PAJAMAS

  “Belgian researchers believe that pajamas based on space technology could provide a breakthrough in unlocking the mysteries of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). The prototype pajamas include five sensors, which monitor the baby’s breathing and heartbeat, connected to a small detection unit that triggers an alarm if it detects any abnormalities. The technology was developed by Verhaert, a European systems development group, which helped to design and manufacture special suits to monitor the vital signs of European astronauts.”

  —Wired News

  Only four days of every year are exactly 24 hours long.

  ON SECOND THOUGHT…

  “In February 2001, Girl Scout officials of the San Jacinto Council near Houston announced that this year’s father-daughter event would be a ‘pajama party’ dance in which fathers and the girls, aged 11–17, would come dressed in sleepwear. After some complaints (‘It would attract every pervert in the city,’ said one mother), the council changed the dress code to sweatsuits.”

  —News of the Weird

  JUST PLANE NUTS

  “An airline passenger wearing only a pair of pajama bottoms stole a baggage tractor at Atlanta’s main airport and drove it onto an active runway. City police say Robert W. Buzzell, 31, walked out through an exit door that had an alarm at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. The man was stopped by mechanics who asked him for an employee identification card. When he couldn’t provide one, they called police. Buzzell, who had a ticket for a Delta flight, was jailed on charges of unlawful interference with security and reckless conduct.”

  —CBS News

  PAJAMA POLICE

  “The days of rolling out of bed and rolling into class are coming to an end. Pajamas, the preferred attire of some sleepy students, are no longer allowed in Hillsborough County, Florida, schools. ‘There’s no reason to wear pajamas to school,’ said James Ammirati, assistant principal at Stewart Middle School. Sleepwear is popular
school attire, especially during cold weather and on exam days, students say. Nevena Novakovic, 17, a junior at Robinson High School in Tampa, doesn’t like the new ruling. ‘I think as long as you don’t look like a hootchy mama,’ she said, ‘you should be able to wear whatever.’”

  —St. Petersburg Times

  * * *

  In 1992 Ernest Hemingway’s sons established Hemingway, Ltd., to license their father’s name. Two official items you can buy: Hemingway pajamas and a Hemingway shotgun. (Hemingway killed himself with a shotgun in 1961…while wearing his pajamas.)

  If it takes a second to vacuum one square foot, it would about 36,400 years to vacuum Ohio.

  THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

  Many people have a favorite book, movie, or TV show that nobody else seems to appreciate. And then one day it’s considered a “classic.” Here’s the story of an underrated television show that became a cult and critical smash.

  FIRST BLOOD

  After graduating from Wesleyan University in 1987 with a degree in filmmaking, Joss Whedon went to Hollywood to write for television. Doors were already open for him—his grandfather wrote for Leave It to Beaver and his father wrote for Golden Girls and Benson—so Whedon was able to land jobs on the sitcoms Roseanne and Parenthood. But he found the work dull and uncreative. He wanted to develop his own characters, in his own style. He wanted to do something different.

  So he decided to write a movie script that would follow a classic horror film formula, but with a couple of major differences.

  • First, it was funny and the dialogue was snappy and fast-paced.

  • Second, Whedon flipped the character structure. The young blond girl who typically appeared in horror movies as a hysterical, screaming victim, was the hero. Men were helpless victims, not the heroes.