Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  Bug Bomb: When threatened, a bombardier beetle can release a blast of 212°F air from its rear.

  CONSPIRACY THEORY: The Earth is hollow and its core houses a secret, powerful civilization.

  DETAILS: Immortal reptilian evil beings live at the center of the Earth and all the world’s governments answer to them. The evil denizens of the hollow Earth routinely escape to the surface of the Earth, kidnap humans, and torture them for pleasure. In fact, they are responsible for all the chaos and tragedy on the surface. The Nazis were their surface liaisons and traveled to and from the hollow earth via a portal in the South Pole. How is such a vast conspiracy kept under wraps? As previously stated, all of the world’s governments are under the control of the hollow-Earthers.

  Q: Which country has the most colleges and universities? A: Mexico, with 10,341.

  TRUTH: In 1869 a self-proclaimed “alchemist” named Cyrus Teed founded a cult based on his theories of a hollow-Earth society. (Some sources claim Adolf Hitler was a follower of Teed.) But the main source of the idea was likely the 1940s science-fiction magazine Amazing Stories. It ran stories by Richard Shaver about a superior evil prehistoric race that lived in caves inside the Earth and liked to torture humanity. Shaver’s proof: he said he often heard “sinister voices,” seemingly coming from nowhere, and he figured there was no explanation other than evil beings who lived inside the Earth. Thousands of Amazing Stories readers wrote in and said that they, too, had heard the same unsettling voices.

  Scientifically, a hollow Earth is impossible. Newton’s law of gravity states that if a sphere, such as the Earth, were hollow, its interior would have zero gravity, meaning that if people were in there they’d float around weightlessly. An interior sun (another aspect of the hollow Earth scenario) is equally improbable. One of the reasons life flourishes on Earth is because of its distance from the Sun—just close enough to stay warm and for plants to use its energy to make food via photosynthesis, the basis of the food chain. If there was a sun in the middle of the Earth, not only would it be too hot to sustain life within the hollow core, it would be too hot to sustain life on the Earth’s surface.

  A FEW MORE BIZARRE CONSPIRACY THEORIES

  • The United States couldn’t find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because they were invisible. In the 1980s, the United States funded Iraq’s war against Iran and gave them advanced military techno-logy, including the ability to make objects invisible. Iraqi leader Sadaam Hussein didn’t have to give up his stockpile of WMD—he merely made it invisible.

  • Conspiracy theorists claim that the Canadian coffee chain Tim Horton’s laces its coffee and doughnuts with nicotine and MSG. They say customers aren’t loyal—just addicted.

  • The same conspiracy theory floated around in the late 1980s, claiming that McDonald’s hamburgers were chemically addictive, then again in the 2000s, saying that kids loved Pokémon trading cards because they were addicted to a secret nicotine coating on the cards.

  Miss Popularity: Queen Elizabeth II appears on the coinage of at least 35 countries.

  ACCORDING TO THE LATEST RESEARCH

  So how does a person get a job conducting one of these weird research studies? (If Uncle John ever finds out, he may take a little break from the book business.)

  CROSSWORDS AND SEX GROW BRAIN CELLS

  Study: Conducted by Dr. Perry Bartlett of the University of Queensland’s Brain Institute, in Australia

  Findings: In April 2004, Dr. Bartlett announced that mental and physical exercise may delay the onset of brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s by creating and nurturing new brain cells to replace ones that have been lost. Brain cell creation and growth appear to be stimulated by a chemical called prolactin—and prolactin levels rise during mental and physical exertion. (They’re also high when you’re pregnant.) “Perhaps one should run a long distance or do crosswords,” Dr. Bartlett suggests. “Prolactin levels also go up during sex,” he says, “so one could think of a number of more interesting activities than jogging in order to regulate the production of nerve cells.”

  PARENTS FAVOR CUTE KIDS OVER UGLY ONES

  Study: Researchers at the University of Alberta in Canada went to 14 different supermarkets and observed the interactions between 400 different parents and their children. They also ranked the “physical attractiveness” of each child on a scale of 1 to 10.

  Findings: When Mom did the shopping, 13.3% of the children judged “most attractive” were secured with the seat belt in the shopping cart seat; only 1.2% of the “ugliest” children were. With Dad the disparity was even greater: 12.5% of the “most attractive” children were belted in; none of the ugliest children were.

  • Ugly children were allowed to wander away from their parents more often than attractive kids, and were allowed to wander farther away than attractive children were.

  • Good-looking boys were kept closer to their parents than pretty girls were, although the researchers concede that this may be because girls are perceived to be more mature and responsible than boys of the same age.

  Highest batting average in a MLB season: .440, by Hugh Duffy (Boston Beaneaters, 1894).

  • What does all of this mean? Scientists aren’t sure. Some speculate that evolution may play a role: parents may unconsciously perceive attractive children as being genetically more valuable. But Emory University psychologist Dr. Frans de Waal disagrees. “If the number of offspring are the same for ugly people and handsome people, there’s absolutely no evolutionary reason for parents to invest less in ugly kids,” he says.

  DUMB BLONDE JOKES SLOW BLONDES DOWN

  Study: German researchers at Bremen’s International University asked 80 women with different hair colors to take intelligence tests, then monitored them carefully as they took the tests. Half of the women were told “dumb blonde” jokes before they took the test. (Jokes like: “Why do blondes open containers of yogurt while they’re still in the supermarket? Because the lid says, ‘Open here.’”)

  Findings: No word on how well the blondes or anyone else did on the intelligence tests—that wasn’t the point, and the university didn’t release the results. But it did keep track of how quickly the women completed the tests: The blondes who were told dumb blonde jokes took longer to complete their tests than the blondes who weren’t told jokes. Did the dumb blonde jokes make blondes dumber? No, the researchers say: the jokes made them more self-conscious, which caused them to work more slowly and cautiously so that they wouldn’t make mistakes. “The study shows that even unfounded prejudices generally dismissed as untrue can affect an individual’s confidence in their own ability,” says Jens Foerster, one of the social psychologists who administered the study.

  GERMANS PREFER MONEY TO SEX Study:

  In December 2004, the German edition of Playboy magazine commissioned a poll of 1,000 Germans. The pollsters asked participants if they were given a choice between more free time, more money, and more sex, which one they would choose.

  Findings: 62% of Germans said cash, 26% said more free time, and only 6% said more sex. (That might explain why Germany has a declining birth rate.)

  Twinkies were originally filled with banana cream.

  BUT WAIT! THERE’S STILL MORE!

  Here’s Part II of the story of Ron Popeil. (Part I is on page 131.)

  AMAZING SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH! Ron Popeil wasn’t particularly eager to follow in his father’s footsteps—or even to be near him for that matter. Born in 1935, Ron’s early childhood was spent in a boarding school (where his parents never visited). At age seven, he went to live with his grandparents, and didn’t reunite with his father in Chicago until he was 16. At that point he was immediately put to work doing demonstrations of Popeil products at Sears and Woolworth’s.

  One day while at Chicago’s Maxwell Street Marketplace, an outdoor bazaar, he had a revelation: Popeil suddenly felt he could convince total strangers to buy anything, if he were willing to give it his all. He realized he had to go into busin
ess for himself.

  In 1951, at the age of 16, Popeil bought a gross of products—vegetable choppers and shoe shine kits—from his father (who sold them to Ron at normal supplier prices, making a full profit). The younger Popeil then set up a booth at the Maxwell Street market on a Sunday afternoon and hawked wildly. By the end of the day, his pockets were stuffed with cash.

  He continued performing demonstrations for his father’s company, set up permanently just inside the front door of Chicago’s Woolworth’s. At a time when the average American earned $500 a month, Popeil was making over $1,000 a week. In the summer, he even went on the county fair circuit. By dealing with customers one-on-one, he learned to anticipate what kind of objections or questions people might have to his products. Popeil honed his pitch, learning to answer those questions before they were even asked.

  NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES!

  In 1964 Ron Popeil went out on his own. He founded Ronco Teleproducts with his college roommate, Mel Korey. Rather than make their own products like the Popeil brothers did, Ronco contracted with other companies, avoiding the headaches and overhead of operating a factory. Popeil found a television station in Tampa, Florida, that charged $500 to produce an ad. (He made four: a 30-second, a 60-second, a 90-second, and a 120-second.) The product: the Ronco Spray Gun, a garden hose nozzle with a chamber inside to hold soap, car wax, fertilizer, or insecticide. The first commercial ran in Illinois and Wisconsin, near Popeil’s Chicago base, to save shipping costs. They sold over a million Spray Guns.

  The average American uses 25 barrels of oil per year. The average Japanese, about 15.

  Ronco’s next success was London Aire Hosiery, women’s nylon stockings “guaranteed in writing” not to run. Their durability was tested in the commercial, as they were subjected to a nail file, a scouring pad, and a lit cigarette. Ronco began manufacturing its own items in 1967 with the Cordless Power Scissors (they were battery-operated, but Popeil called them “cordless electric” to describe it and all future battery-operated Ronco products). All of the ads featured Ron Popeil himself. Doing his own ads saved on production costs, but it also made good business sense: Popeil had hawked so many items at fairs and stores that he was a natural salesman, and no one could sell his products better than him. He didn’t even need a script. Ronco products earned $200,000 in 1964, its first year. By 1973 Ronco had annual sales of $20 million.

  SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!

  Among the many Ronco gadgets of the 1970s:

  • Smokeless Ashtray (1970). An ashtray with a cylinder above it, which houses a “cordless electric” filtering fan.

  • Pocket Fisherman (1972). A portable, retractable fishing rod.

  • Presco-Lator (1976). A plastic version of a French press-style coffeemaker. It bombed because it hit the market at the same time as the Mr. Coffee coffeemaker.

  • Mr. Microphone (1978). A wireless transmitter inside a microphone. It broadcast the user’s voice to any properly tuned FM radio up to 100 feet away.

  • Inside-the-Shell Egg Scrambler (1978). An egg is impaled on the device’s needle. The needle spins inside the shell to create a perfectly blended egg without having to use a mixing bowl.

  In 2003 Katie Hnida became the first woman to score in a Division 1-A football game.

  • Sit-On Trash Compactor (1978). It worked without electricity: the user sat on a plunging platform that squished the garbage.

  • Food Dehydrator (1979). A product of the health food craze of the 1970s, it made fruit leather, beef jerky, banana chips, and yogurt.

  OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!

  But in the early 1980s, Ronco started falling apart. From 1982 to June 1983, sales dropped 31 percent. And that same year one of their biggest retailers—Woolco—closed all its stores. Then in a few months, claiming they were owed $2 million, three companies that made products for Ronco filed suit in bankruptcy court to force Ronco to sell off its assets and pay its debts. But Ronco also owed $8 million to First National Bank of Chicago and Wells Fargo Bank. (Business was so bad, Ronco had been operating on credit.) Popeil had no choice but to declare Ronco bankrupt.

  The banks planned to auction off Ronco’s assets, but before they could, Popeil offered $2 million of his own money to buy the company back. The banks refused and held the auction, but got a high bid of only $1.2 million, so they sold it back to Ron Popeil, who spent the next year doing what he’d done as a teenager: in-person demonstrations at department stores and county fairs.

  EASY PAYMENT PLAN

  The story might have ended there. But in 1984, the same year Popeil filed for bankruptcy, the FCC deregulated TV advertising. Ads no longer had to be under two minutes in length, which gave birth to a new form of advertising: the infomercial. Suddenly, products that had relied on rapid-fire pitches in short commercials (kitchen gadgets, exercise equipment, car waxes) were being pitched in half-hour advertisements designed to look like real TV programs. Broadcast and cable networks used infomercials to fill holes in their schedules, usually late at night and on weekends.

  When Ginsu knives became the first major product sold this way (over $50 million in sales), Popeil realized the way to rebuild Ronco was through infomercials. “The longer you have to talk, the better chance you have of selling something,” Popeil said in 1985. He went into semi-retirement in 1987, leaving day-to-day operation to others while he continued the role of TV pitchman.

  A typical thunderstorm measures 15 miles in diameter and lasts about 30 minutes.

  Beginning with a redesigned Food Dehydrator in the early 1990s, Ronco has used infomercials exclusively. One product sold was GLH Formula #9, an aerosol can of hair-thickening powder, better known as “hair in a can” (Popeil sprayed it on his own bald spots in the infomercial). Another was the Showtime Rotisserie, a compact countertop rotisserie cooker. Popeil calls it his best invention and has sold three million units to date. But unlike the early days, Popeil now sells only items he’s personally developed. “I’m an inventor first and a marketer second,” he says. “Other people in our business take the spaghetti approach. They throw a lot of stuff against the wall and hope something sticks.”

  * * *

  CON LETTER

  An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to plant a tomato garden, but it was difficult work, and his only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man described the predicament in a letter to his son.

  Dear Vincent,

  I’m feeling bad. It looks like I won’t be able to put in my tomatoes this year. I’m just too old to be digging up a garden. I wish you were here to dig it for me. Love, Dad

  A few days later he received a letter from his son.

  Dear Dad,

  Sorry I’m not there to help, but whatever you do, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES. Love, Vincent

  At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

  Dear Dad,

  Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

  Love, Vinnie

  Most popular flowers grown in American gardens: Sunflowers, zinnias, and impatiens.

  THE DIVINE WIND

  If you study history, you may find instances where it seems that fate really can intervene and miracles really do happen. But don’t expect that miracle, or you may be disappointed…as this story attests.

  KING OF THE WORLD

  When it came to wealth and power, Kublai Khan had it all. In 1274 the Mongol emperor’s dominion stretched for thousands of miles across Asia. His army was the best equipped and best trained in the world. Disciplined and battle-hardened, the Khan’s soldiers also had the 13th-century equivalent of a super weapon—a burning cannonball full of gunpowder called a teppo that they could hurl with devastating efficiency against an enemy. With all of this military power, the great
Khan wasn’t content to just rule—he wanted new worlds to conquer. So he set his sights on Japan.

  The Japanese must have seemed an easy mark. They fought with antique weaponry—bows and arrows, swords, bamboo spears, and wooden shields. What’s more, a century of constant warfare between rival warlords had left Japan’s armies exhausted and weak.

  Knowing this, Kublai Khan assembled a substantial attack force—a fleet of 900 ships and 40,000 soldiers—and had them set sail for Japan. The armada was met by 10,000 samurai on the beach at Hakata Bay on the island of Kyushu. But the samurai, who excelled in individual combat, were no match for the organized tactics of the Mongols. Defeat seemed certain.

  A LUCKY WIND

  Then a miracle occurred: a violent storm overwhelmed the Mongol fleet, sinking 200 ships and drowning 13,000 men. Japan was saved.

  When the defeated survivors returned to China, a furious Kublai Khan vowed revenge. And so, five years later, the Mongols invaded again, this time stronger than ever. The Khan’s Northern Fleet had 900 ships and 40,000 soldiers. The Southern Fleet was even larger, with 3,500 ships and 100,000 soldiers. In the summer of 1279, the armada sailed once again for Hakata Bay.

  Find ’em all: In the Godfather movies, oranges represent an upcoming death (or close call).

  The Japanese warlords knew that the only way to stop the Mongol force was on the beach, before their dreaded artillery could be hauled ashore and put into action. They built a defensive wall 13 miles long bordering the bay—a first for the Japanese, who had never used fortifications before.

  The Northern Fleet reached Japan first. When the initial wave of Mongol soldiers came ashore, they were startled to find the entrenched samurai waiting for them behind their wall. The fighting was fierce, lasting for days, but the Japanese defenders held fast. When the Mongols couldn’t secure the beach, they retreated to their ships. But despite their victory, the samurai had little opportunity to celebrate: the huge Southern Fleet had arrived, and now the combined armada was sailing off to the south to renew the attack. And this time they were going around the wall.