Her Pained Blue Silence

by A. J. Downey

  She set her bucket down and made like she was showering and I nodded.

  “Soap, shampoo, probably some dish soap and laundry soap, too, huh?”

  She nodded and made like she was brushing her teeth.

  “Oh, believe me that is at the top of my list. You don’t even know.”

  She giggled lightly and it was a good sound, like a babbling brook, laughing over stones.

  I smiled and asked, “Anything else, Silence?”

  She made a face and shook her head, waving her hand back and forth. It was a strong reaction to have to wanting to know what she wanted from the store, so that couldn’t be it.

  “What? ‘Silence’? You don’t want me to call you ‘Silence’?”

  She nodded emphatically and I had to smile.

  “Well, what do you want me to call you, then?”

  She frowned, then frowned harder. I chuckled and with a sigh said, “I’m sure you’ll figure out how to tell me. You’re crafty like that.”

  She cocked her head and nodded slowly.

  “For now, it’s all I’ve got.”

  She looked a little dejected, but nodded.

  “Be back as soon as I can,” I told her and she nodded again.

  I climbed into the old truck and fired it up. It wasn’t happy about it, but it started and it stayed running. I climbed the old switchback driveway up to the front of the cabin where she stood just outside the front porch and waved, her lips twisted in what looked like regret at my leaving.

  I didn’t want to get my hopes up that that was what it really was. I mean, shit, if I were her, I wouldn’t be able to wait to see the back of me after what I’d done. I just wanted to get into town, get the shit I needed to pick up from the general store, get the fuck out, and get on with it.

  Part of it was I shopped like just about every other guy, except Pasquale, but fuck he was some kind of mutant hybrid, I swore. Too good for the likes of us, for all that he kept hanging around. The other part was, I didn’t like hanging around where I was seen and people got curious and started asking questions I'd have to lie to answer. The thing about lying is how much and how many lies were you going to have to keep straight down the line. That, and these were good, salt-of-the-earth kind of folk. They didn’t deserve to be dragged into our melodrama, because, unlike television, ours was very real and got people really dead.

  I pulled up at the auto parts place first to return the starter; it had turned out it was the battery and some really filthy sparkplugs. I got it running with the battery I picked up along with the starter here yesterday. I’d bought the battery; the parts guy had actually loaned me the starter and told me if that was the trouble I could just pay him for it today. If not bring it back; no harm, no foul.

  Yeah. That’s how Podunk small-town this place was.

  “So, I see you got her runnin’!” he called jovially when I went through the front door.

  “Yeah, yeah I did.”

  We chatted amicably, and I got the fuck out of there before the questions could start.

  “She sure is a beaut, ever thought about fully restoring her?” he asked before I ducked out the door. I looked at the old, tired truck and shook my head.

  “Naw, it was just there with the cabin when we bought it, title for it came with the deed to the place.”

  “Shame, she’d be worth the love and attention. Ain’t many like her nowadays.”

  I nodded and said my final goodbye, and got over to the general store as quick as I could. I only had an hour or so until closing.

  I was thinking about Si as I went up and down the narrow aisles with my basket. The final words of the parts guy echoing in my brain. There sure weren’t many like Silence nowadays. You could tell she’d been through some shit, with her always jumping and flinching, always trying to please everyone around her. Yet, resiliently, she still managed to trust people who she honestly had no reason to trust. People like me.

  She hadn’t put up too much of a fight back at the hotel. Hadn’t tried to run away, or bounce on me. Hadn’t tried to back out of testifying – and I still didn’t know how the fuck we were going to pull that off.

  I stopped in the hair-care aisle and picked up the box of her red, that deep auburn she was so fond of that made her spectacular green eyes something out of this world. I remembered this one time, we were on a run with the Knights of Crescentia and stopped at this gas station-market hybrid store. More than a mini-mart, but less than a full-blown grocery or drug store, you know? King had sent Si in for road beers and smokes and she’d come back out with those items, but when he’d demanded the change, he’d nearly blown a gasket, until he got a hold of the receipt.

  He’d laughed and said, “Leave it to a bitch. Send her in for smokes and beers, she comes out with that and a bag full of fuckin’ hair dye.”

  She’d pulled the box from her bag and had pointed out the clearance stickers on it; at that price, if I were a chick, I would have scooped them up, too. I remembered the box, not for the smiling model, but for the pink flowers on it. I’d had the stray thought that those pink flowers belonged in a crown on Silence’s head. How she’d be the perfect hippy chick, straight out of a Woodstock photo with her white hippy skirts and dresses.

  I picked up two of the boxes. It’d been a while since she’d colored her hair, and with as much of it as she had, I couldn’t imagine one box would do the trick.

  I rushed through the rest of my shopping and got up to the cash wrap. Dick, the store owner gave me a nod and rang through my items by hand on the old-school register.

  “Mitch over at the hardware store said he managed to scare up a couple of them fuses you was lookin’ for after you left. Said if I seen you, I should send you over,” he said as he bagged up my purchases.

  “Oh, yeah? Thanks for letting me know, much obliged to you.”

  He gave me a solid smile and I dumped my change in his dusty little donation jar by the register.

  “You have a good night, now, y’hear.”

  “You too, Dick.”

  I took myself to the hardware store just as Mitch was flipping the sign to ‘closed.’ I halted in my step and waved, backing off but he unlocked the door and opened up for me.

  “Glad you got the message,” he greeted me, and I nodded and said, “Yeah, Dick just told me about it, but I can come back tomorrow, it’s no problem.”

  He chuckled and waved me in with one gnarled hand. “Naw, get in here. I haven’t cashed out my register yet. You made it in the nick of time.”

  “Oh, man, you’re saving my life right now, you don’t even know.”

  “Ed over at the bakery said you come ridin’ into town with your girl; I think I might have an idea.”

  Shit. I thought to myself. Word travels fast in a small town. Thanks, Ed.

  I bought the fuses with a promise to pick up the others coming in the next day as spares. The sun was just starting to set when I got back to the truck. I made sure everything was secure and headed back to the old fishing cabin, suddenly nervous about what kind of project Si would have for me this time. Although, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to regret the screened-in porch tonight when I had all the windows flung wide and the cooler air moved through the cabin.

  I felt weary all the way to the bone and was totally ready for a hot shower and some rest. Boy, was I in for a surprise when I got back to the cabin.

  I got out of the truck down by the garage and took a load in each arm, to head up the outer stairs. Si appeared out of nowhere at the bottom as I turned from the truck, and I jumped, taking a faltering step back and just barely keeping myself from accidentally dumping the paper bags from the general store.

  “Jesus Christ!” I gave a restrained cry. “You like to scare the shit out of me!”

  She hunched her shoulders and wrinkled her nose in this adorable sheepish expression that screamed ‘Sorry not sorry’ and I took a second to catch my breath.

  “Jump-started my heart, that’s for sure. Can you take
one of these?”

  She rushed forward and took one of the bags from me, allowing me to grab the last one. I followed her up the stairs, which she took lightly, and stopped cold just inside the back-screen door.

  “Where the fuck did you find an entire bed?” I demanded and she beamed at me, impishly.

  She’d found an entire full-sized daybed somewhere. An old one with what looked like an iron frame. She’d put it out here on the porch, a classic area rug underneath it. She’d stacked apple crates to one side, closest to the back door and I realized, she’d set it up the way she had because I could see her from the bed inside at night, knowing I would want to keep an eye on her. I shook my head in disbelief.

  “You were busy while I was gone.”

  She nodded happily and pointed up to the loft when we went inside.

  “Was that where it was at?”

  She nodded.

  “How’d you get it down here?”

  She raised one finger, then two, then three, then four.

  “One piece at a time?”

  She nodded.

  “You took that whole thing apart and put it back together all by yourself?”

  She nodded.

  “Good job,” I declared, impressed.

  She beamed at me.

  “I’ll be right back, hardware guy managed to scare up some of those fuses. I want to get the electricity going while I still can. A hot shower sounds really good right now.”

  She smiled even bigger and nodded enthusiastically.

  I left her rooting through the bags on the table and went out and around to the side of the cabin that held the metal fuse box. I flipped the catch on its metal cover and opened it up, replacing the blown fuses and hoping like hell that was all that was needed. This place was older than dirt and needed a lot of renovation, so…

  I flipped the switch and a light came on inside. I heard a smattering of applause from Silence and ran a hand back through my hair, pushing it out of my eyes.

  “Looks like we’re good to go!” I called. “Should have hot water in an hour or two.”

  I went around the corner in the back door and stopped. She was standing so very still by the rickety dining table with a box of hair dye in each hand, staring at them with an unreadable expression.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, leaning a shoulder against the back-door’s jamb.

  She looked up at me, her eyes troubled, and held the boxes out almost helplessly in front of her.

  “Well, it’s your brand, isn’t it?”

  She nodded, her confusion clear.

  “Is it the wrong color?” I asked, knowing it damn well wasn’t.

  She shook her head, and I pushed off the door frame.

  “Well, all right, then.”

  I went into the kitchen and double-checked that the freezer and fridge were empty. Aside from a few bottles of things like ketchup, mustard, and mayo, it was. Those, I discarded without even opening them. I’d already picked up replacements. The fridge and freezer were already getting cold, but it wasn’t like I’d bought much of anything else for them. I’d have to run into town one more time, for perishable items.

  “Chile Con Carne for dinner, out of a can; nothing fancy. Good thing you got yourself set up out there, huh?”

  She blushed, smiling and almost laughing, and nodded.

  “You find sheets for that bed?”

  She nodded and went out with her hair dye and set it down, presumably on one of her apple crate shelves and came back in. She trotted up the stairs close to the outer wall of the cabin, up to the loft, and came down, struggling a bit with a big cardboard box. It didn’t look heavy, just big and awkward.

  I went and took it from her and it wasn’t too bad. It had plastic-wrapped pillows on top, and I set it down on the floor by the table for her.

  “Go on and make your bed, I’m going to heat up some dinner.”

  She smiled and dragged the box out the back door and I had to smile. She’d already cleaned and flung open several of the windows along the back of the cabin, which had cooled it down some in here. I opened up two cans of chili and poured them in a saucepan and set them on the electric range to heat.

  I watched her as much as I watched the pot, as she spread the sheet over her bed. Didn’t seem to me the box had much by way of blankets, but I could pick her up something in town if she needed it. I doubted she would. It was high summer and warm as fuck out. With no air conditioning, it made sleeping at night kind of miserable – I was hoping now that the windows were thrown open, it would be a little more tolerable.

  She pulled the pillows with their country-lace pillow shams out of their plastic and fluffed them up, setting them up on the end of the bed closest to the back door. She came back in and fetched her leather bag and went back outside.

  I was impressed by the large white piano shawl, embroidered with big pink cabbage roses, that she pulled out of the bottom of it. She set about artfully draping it across her bed and I wondered what else she had in mind for the space out there. She had decorating down to some kind of magic. That voodoo that girls do with castoff items, re-purposing them into something new to make them all artsy and chic; I had no idea how they did it, but she had the touch, that was for sure.

  “Silence, come and eat, honey.”

  She stepped back into the cabin and cleared paper bags and the other random bits and bobs off of the table.

  “Thanks,” I grunted, pouring chili into two cracked bowls I found in the cupboard.

  “Where you going?” I asked, and she held up soap and things for the bathroom, disappearing inside and setting them about where they belonged. I chuckled and when she came back, held out the toothbrushes and paste I’d bought. She snatched them from my hands, lighting up with glee, and did a spin in the middle of the room like some fairy-tale princess who’d been given the key to her freedom or some shit.

  I laughed as she kissed the box and dashed into the bathroom.

  “We’re about to eat!” I called out. “Mint and chili aren’t a good combo. I’d save the toothpaste for dessert if I were you.”

  She came back out, nodding, and heaved a sigh.

  “You want bread?”

  She nodded and I tore off a hunk of the whole loaf and handed it over. She sat down with me and took it with a gracious nod.

  “Welcome,” I said.

  We ate in our customary silence, but I couldn’t say it was a bad thing. There were times, just sitting with her, that were so comfortable; I got up from those silences feeling better for it. Her presence was a soothing one, the kind of comfortable that was good for the soul. Fuck if I wanted to admit how much I liked her. This not having to be someone else around her was one of the best things, ever.

  I sat back in my chair with a satisfied sigh full of gusto, my chili bowl empty, my hunk of bread nothing but a few crumbs beside my bowl. I watched Si take another bite, and she eyed me from where she leaned over her bowl. Her white dress was filthy, streaked with dirt and dust, but I could see why she didn’t want to get any chili on it.

  “Mind if I shower first?” I asked.

  She shook her head and made a slight shooing motion with her hand.

  “You good to get the dishes?”

  She rolled her eyes and nodded and I had to laugh.

  “Not your favorite chore, I take it.”

  She shook her head.

  “What is?”

  She tugged on her dress a couple times.

  “You might change your mind about that. We don’t have a washer and dryer here. It’s a good, old-fashioned washtub and board.

  She pointed at the sink and out the back door with a questioning look.

  “In here, out at the river, doesn’t much matter.”

  She frowned, and mimed hanging up laundry and shrugged.

  “I guess I’ll have to build a line. Usually we’re only out here for a week at the most and we just take our laundry back to the city to do it. Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to f
ly. We could be here a while. Shit, I don’t even know what I have around here for me. You got at least two or three days’ worth of clothes in that bag of yours, right?”

  She shrugged.

  “You don’t know?”

  She shrugged again.

  “Well, let me know when you get around to checking things out. I know we have a few towels here somewhere. Not exactly bath towels, but beach ones. They should do the trick.”

  She nodded and shot me a brave smile, like she wasn’t judging. She seemed genuinely happier here than she had in the hotel, so at least there was that.

  I got up and at least took my bowl to the sink for her. I went through the rickety dresser against the back wall the bed shared, and scored a pair of cut-off army pants I was pretty sure belonged to Driller. I held them up, worried about the fit, because dude was typically narrower through the waist than I was, but it looked like I’d caught up to him. I wasn’t as big as I used to be, but I was still shredded.

  I tossed the long shorts over my shoulder and though I found one of my old Indigo City Motors tees, I skipped it. It was too fuckin’ hot for it.

  I let the tap run for a minute to clear the pipes and called out that Si should do the same in the kitchen. As soon as the water ran clear, I twisted the knob to let the shower do the same.

  God, that hot water felt good. My muscles loosened under the pounding spray and some of the smaller, weaker aches disappeared. I was used to lifting weights more than I was any kind of labor, but it felt good to be getting back into the latter.

  I washed my hair twice; it felt good to get it really clean, but it was bugging me how long it was getting. I was pretty sure I had some clippers around here to deal with the undercut, but I would just have to sport a man-bun for the top, as loathsome as that idea was.

  I shut off the water reluctantly, wanting to leave some for Silence, and plucked up one of the two beach towels that lived on the rack in here, pulling it behind the curtain and drying off before whisking it back.

  Stepping out of the tub, I frowned and stood in front of the open medicine cabinet. I swung it shut, and written in the steam was Call me Everleigh. I huffed a laugh which I quickly strangled and shook my head.

  I knew she would have eventually figured out a way to tell me, but I had to hand it to her, this was more creative than I’d bargained for. A little horror movie-esque, but I liked horror movies. I didn’t think she’d done it with the intention of creeping me the fuck out, but rather to make sure it got my attention.