Her Pained Blue Silence

by A. J. Downey

  “Is that a yes?” he asked.

  I cocked my head, letting my eyes rove over his face, and said, “Kiss me.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he returned, a hint of amusement in his voice as he lowered his face to mine to follow through. His mouth was kind against mine, his touch light and easy, like he expected rejection and was totally willing to back off at the slightest sense of unease from me, which made things surprisingly easy.

  Our kiss intensified, and my desire to just feel good intensified with it, to capture just some of the magic of the night before to trap it in my heart like a butterfly in a jar. He tore his mouth from mine as things heated to a slow simmer between us and asked, “Can I?”

  “Yes,” I whispered, and he immediately went for a condom on the bedside table. He rolled it on in the blink of an eye and got between my legs, easing his way carefully inside of me.

  I let my head fall back and cried out slightly, freezing and laughing when Narcos called out from the kitchen, “Yeeeah! Make it good, buddy!”

  “Shut the fuck up, homeboy! I’m gonna lose my concentration!”

  I stuffed my hands against my mouth to stifle my giggles, which swiftly turned to a gasp as he eased his way into me further. He was longer than Narcos by an inch or two but didn’t have quite as much girth; I was grateful for that last night, let me tell you.

  I’d never been penetrated by two men at once. I’d been scared, but it’d been something undeniably amazing, and I secretly wanted to try it again sometime in the future. I just didn’t know if I would be brave enough to ask for it.

  Driller lay himself atop me and smoothed some of my hair away from my face before he began to move.

  I closed my eyes, just giving myself over to the feel of his body sliding along mine, inside me. The way he humped me was a bit awkward, with his body on top of mine like it was – almost an awkward-teenager type of thing, but I couldn’t deny there was something about it that did very nice things from the inside. Like ‘Oh, my god’ nice things. That golden blush of pleasure unfurled from down low and began to peak in record time.

  I gasped as my pussy throbbed around him, almost a preview of coming attractions and I heard from the doorway, “Oh, now that’s nice. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, man. Fuck, that’s hot.”

  “I’ve got you,” Driller whispered in my ear and I melted a little into the mattress of his bed, and turned my head. Narcos stood, his arms crossed, a pleased smile playing along his lips and my pulse jumped. The desire in his eyes, the shine of pride, love, lust, and all things good… Oh, my god, it was sensual.

  Heat unfurled like wings in my core but it was my heart that took flight. I lost myself in the sensation and let myself go, as much to enjoy myself as to put on one fabulous show for the man I loved, because clearly, he really was enjoying every second of this as much as I was.

  Breakfast was baked oatmeal with cinnamon and bananas. The rest of the day was spent lazily making love and watching television in a big cuddle-pile on the overstuffed couch. It was comfortable, and I felt as if I had found my bliss.

  Still, as much as I loved to be between them, I really wished I could just have some time alone with Narcos. Like, truly alone. Like ‘back at the cabin’ alone… Alas, while the trial continued, that was not to be.

  After two days with Driller, we moved again, this time to a hotel that was not the hotel that I had stayed in before. No, this one was much cheaper, though clean, and wasn’t so much a hotel as a motel. An Indigo City police cruiser stayed parked right outside our door.

  Narcos wouldn’t admit to it, but I had to believe another, darker threat loomed. At least, it felt like it, because one of his other club brothers, Poe, stayed in the bed next to ours. Although there was definitely nothing sexual happening there. He was a sweet guy, a patrol officer with the Indigo City police, but he was just a club brother and friend. Nothing more.

  The next night, Poe was replaced by Golden, who was at least slightly more familiar to me. I still hated it, though. I didn’t feel comfortable talking. I loved that we could cuddle and didn’t have to refrain from it, but I hated that it felt as if we were being babysat. I just wanted to get on with my life, already, but we couldn’t do anything until we knew where we stood, and we wouldn’t know that without a verdict.

  It was the third night that Yale arrived, looking haggard, and with a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t like the looks of the conversation to come. My hackles went up, my red flags raised, and it only got worse when he insisted we all have a drink before talking about anything.

  I sipped from my plastic hotel cup, the alcohol smooth, yet the flavor with a bite that I found unpleasant. Yale eyed me from across the little motel room’s table and finally drew a breath and said, “Have you thought about what you’re going to do if the verdict comes back ‘Not Guilty?’” he asked.

  I shook my head. I didn’t even really want to think about the possibility, but the worry in his eyes said there was a distinct one. My stomach churned with nerves as he sat forward.

  “Do you know what Witness Protection is?” he asked.

  I nodded carefully and glanced at Narcos, whose expression had shut down completely at the mention of it. I wasn’t stupid. I knew what that look meant and I shook my head.

  No. It wasn’t something I would do. I wouldn’t, I couldn’t leave him behind… but I would have to, wouldn’t I?

  “Babe…” he said gently, and sucked in a breath.

  “No,” I said simply, and the finality of my tone made Yale make a face.

  “It would be your funeral if he’s let go,” he said.

  “So don’t let him go.”

  He gave a dark snort and said, “Doesn’t work like that, Everleigh.”

  “I don’t care,” I said, and turned to Narcos. “I’m not leaving you.”

  “Babe,” he started and I shook my head, stubbornly.

  “I won’t,” I said.

  Yale sighed and downed the rest of what was in his cup and poured himself a little more.

  “You might not have much choice. The jury went to deliberations two days ago.”

  “Shit,” Narcos said.

  “Why are they taking so long?” I asked.

  “Who knows?” Yale said. “At least they didn’t come back right away…”

  I frowned. “Why’s that?”

  “Right away usually means an acquittal,” he said plainly.

  “So that means the fact they’re taking a long time is a good thing, right?”

  He shook his head. “A day, sure, maybe. But two? The longer it drags out, the dicier it gets.”

  I sat back in my seat and let the mantle of my misery settle upon my shoulders.

  “Whatever happens, you’re going to be okay,” Narcos said and I got mad at him. I glared at him and he silenced himself, closing his mouth against whatever he was going to say next.

  “Do you have to be here?” I asked Yale.

  “No, I don’t. I really don’t,” he said, and stood up with a sigh. “Keep the bottle,” he said and eyed Narcos. “I think you’re going to need it.”

  Narcos rolled his eyes at him and Yale went to the door. He paused on the way out and looked at me before saying, “Don’t make any rash decisions, Everleigh. You really need to think things through. The offer is a once in a lifetime deal when it comes to wit-sec.”

  I simply stared at him, and he nodded and slipped out the door, shutting it firmly behind him. I turned to Narcos, acid on my tongue, but the words I wanted to use died before they could finish climbing out of the dark part of my soul.

  His eyes were so full of pain, so full of misery, I couldn’t speak when he said, “Don’t think for a minute I want to let you go, babe. I just want you to be safe.”

  “Then come with me,” I said desperately, and he shook his head sadly.

  “It doesn’t work that way. I can’t. You’d have to go alone. They’d give you a new identity, a new social, and you’d disappear completely.”

/>   “Why?” I hated how much I sounded like I was whining. I couldn’t stop the tears that stung the backs of my eyes from welling at the very thought of having to leave him. I so desperately wanted to put down roots to make a life, but only one with him in it. I loved him. I loved him so completely in such a short amount of time it was terrifying, but I couldn’t deny how real it was. After all, any love that could be born in such a crucible, under such pressure, and out of such circumstances… it could survive anything, couldn’t it?

  Anything but witness protection… I thought to myself.

  He took my hands in his as I sniffed and looked away. I turned my eyes to the ceiling, to the old air conditioning unit spewing frigid air, to the coffee maker, the worn carpet, just anything but those somber green eyes that were fixed on my face as if he were memorizing every curve, every line, every part of my being like he would never see me again.

  “This is bullshit,” I said, and let my tears go.

  “Yeah,” he agreed. “But babe, if it comes down to a life with you out there somewhere alive, but without you in it – or a life without you in it because you’re dead, you know which one I’m going to choose.”

  He pulled me into his arms and I wept against his shoulder.

  “Don’t think like that, please… they could convict,” I said.

  “The danger wouldn’t necessarily be over even if they do.”

  “I don’t care!”

  “I don’t want that kind of life for you, Everleigh. One where you’re always looking over your shoulder – “

  I interrupted him.

  “Which is just going to be my life anyways, witness protection or with you. I would much rather it be with you than out there all alone,” I said. “At least, with you, I know I’m safe.”

  His hand went to the back of my head, his fingers burying themselves in my hair as he massaged my scalp, his other arm around my back, holding me tightly to his chest. We clung to each other in the shabby hotel room.

  “Can we just pretend all of this doesn’t exist?” I whispered. “I mean, we can’t do anything until we know, right?”

  “Yeah,” he agreed, but the defeat was still in his voice.

  “I love you,” I whispered, and he held me even tighter still.

  “I love you, too, babe. I only want the best for you.”

  “I know,” I whispered, and clung to him back.

  “We’re going to have to revisit this once the decision is made.”

  “I know.”

  I pulled back and suddenly didn’t care if the officer outside heard us, or about anything except being as close to him as possible. Especially if it was going to be our last time. I didn’t want to think about that at all. I didn’t want to think about Witness Protection or juries. I wanted to talk about a future life together. I wanted to talk about where we wanted to live and what kind of job I should get. I wanted to talk about favorite foods and what I should cook for him when he’s had a bad day. I wanted to talk about gardening and bee-keeping, about his favorite things to do when he wasn’t working other than fishing.

  I wanted to talk about movie nights with Driller and long rides on the weekends. I wanted to exist in a time and a place where King couldn’t touch me and the rest of the Knights of Crescentia wouldn’t dare.

  I wanted everything that I knew I couldn’t have because the universe just seemed to loathe me that damn much and seemed to be incapable of giving me anything but heartache and pain.

  “Don’t let me go,” I begged as he moved inside me, and I watched the echo of my agony reflect back to me through his eyes mere inches from my own.

  “Not tonight,” he promised.

  “Not ever,” I begged.

  “Only if it’s truly what’s best for you, babe. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.”

  Liar, my mind whispered, because letting me go would surely kill me.

  26

  Narcos…

  She’d finally fallen asleep. It was the wee hours of the morning, that quiet time when the whole world was sleeping and the city was at its quietest. I managed to slip out from under her without waking, sitting up on the edge of the bed with a tired sigh.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about Yale’s visit. About a life without her in it, knowing she was out there somewhere, wondering if she was happy, wondering if she’d found love again with someone else, wondering if he was treating her well, if she was staring at the same stars, the same moon in the sky, from could be hundreds, could be thousands, of miles away. And wondering if she would know she still held my heart in her scarred hands; that it was beating in those hands of hers out of my chest from so far away… because I swear to fucking God, that’s how it would be for me.

  I slipped outside, taking my burner cell with me, and punched in the only number I had memorized.

  Driller picked up on the second ring, his voice rough with sleep as he demanded gruffly “What’s wrong?”

  I sighed and told him, “Nothing and everything.”

  There was a moment of silence on the other end and a creak or two as he sat up. He let out a long sigh as he tried to clear his head and finally said, “Talk to me.”

  I told him everything. He was the one person I never held anything back from because he didn’t judge. It was the same with me, for him.

  He let out a breath and said, “It’s not like you to borrow trouble before it happens. Usually you got your shit together better than this.”

  “I love her, man. Like, I’ve never felt this way about any other woman and I never thought it would happen to me, but here I am and I’m so twisted up in knots over her on the inside, I just…” My words failed me and I leaned hard against the wall outside our motel room’s door. I said weakly, “Help me out.”

  He cleared his throat and said, “First off, we ain’t even got a verdict. Second off, you love her so much, you listen to what she has to say about it?”

  “She doesn’t want to go,” I said.

  He sounded frank when he said, “Then she doesn’t go, bro. We protect her.”

  “Just like that?” I demanded.

  “Yeah,” he said. “Just like that.” He paused and let it sink in. “You ain’t alone on this, man. I know how undercover works; you’re out there solo, on your own, handling what comes, as it comes, by yourself. It’s different when feelings and other people get involved, am I right?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded, even though he couldn’t see it.

  “Right. Well, you’re not out there anymore. You’re back, and we’re here. Me, Youngblood, Golden, Poe, Skids, the rest of the club – even the hose boys. We’ve got your back. She’s your woman. You guys are a matched pair – never thought I’d see the day, but it’s true, and what’s yours to protect is the club’s to protect. You ain’t on your own anymore.”

  “Yeah, but Yale says – “

  “Yale can suck it. He’s doing what lawyers do, which is his fuckin’ job. We do what we do ‒ which is?”

  “Boots on the ground, kicking ass, and taking names to let the lawyers sort it out later.”

  “Fuckin’ right, man.”

  I breathed out, some of the crushing weight lifting off my chest.

  “Thanks, bro.”

  “Not a problem,” he said. “You know I’ve got you.”

  “Yeah, that’s why I called, genius.”

  He chuckled on the other end of the line, and we both sighed.

  “You thought about the future any?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I was thinking about buying a house. Something just outside the city, maybe around Youngblood’s neighborhood. Something small, with a yard so she can do her one-with-nature hippy boho shit and be happy.”

  “Sounds fuckin’ awesome,” he said.

  “Driller, man, this is the woman I’m gonna marry,” I said.

  “I know that,” he said simply and I had to smile. He was always a step ahead of me realizing shit like that. He also always kept it to himself, let me figure it out on my own, just
backing me up until I had the epiphany. We were close to the same age, but he was always like the older, wiser one.

  “Any luck getting the rat to take the cheese?” I asked.

  He sighed and it sounded half-defeated.

  “Not yet. Watch your ass, man.”

  “Always do.”

  I gave some side-eye to the patrolman in his cruiser, who was watching me but still managing to mind his own business at the same time.

  “All right, man. You good?” Driller asked.

  “Yeah, I’m good,” I affirmed.

  “Good, get your ass back in there and snuggle your future wife,” he ordered.

  “Sir, yes sir,” I said sardonically.

  “You’re one lucky son of a bitch.”

  “I know it, and hey, I share.”

  “I know that’s right. Makes me one lucky son of a bitch, too.”

  “What’s mine is yours, buddy.”

  “Back at ‘cha.”

  “Night, bro.”

  “G’night.”

  We ended the call and I stood and stared up at the lit buildings of my city for a while, wishing I could pick out more than one or two stars out of the sky, but, light pollution, you know?

  I felt better after my conversation with Driller, I had pretty much already known what he was going to say, but sometimes I just needed to hear it anyway. You know? I wasn’t worried about me, so much. I was worried about Everleigh, and that was something far more nerve-wracking. I was reckless as fuck when it came to me, but I wasn’t about to have the same kind of blasé attitude where she was concerned. She deserved way better treatment than how I treated my own dumb ass, and the way she looked at me, the way she looked to me, I needed to take fewer chances. Do better by myself, for myself, if only for her peace of mind.

  The motel room door opened and I turned. Everleigh was wrapped in her shawl, the one with the big pink roses on it, looking up at me sleepily through a tangle of her auburn hair.

  “Hey,” I murmured. “You all right?”