Secrets & Lies

by Mia Ford

  That’s not Jessica. Despite everything she didn’t know, or the suspicions that she might still hold because I haven’t told her anything yet, she hasn’t once denied me the right to see Owen. She even still wants me, as she’s told me more than once.

  But nightmares are nightmares and, despite knowing that they aren’t real, they hold a tiny sliver of truth in them.

  Because once, Jessica really thought that I could be a murderer. She went behind my back, collected all the worst pieces of evidence and then disappeared before she even thought about asking me about it.

  The Jessica I know now is different to three years ago. She’s more tired, but she’s also calmer and slightly less prone to jumping to such drastic conclusions without talking in through first. She’s making the effort that she didn’t put in three years ago. She’s matured, just as I have.

  But what’s to stop this happening again? We were together for two and a half years last time. Despite not knowing each other nearly as well as we thought we did, she owed it to me to at least talk to me. How can I even contemplate having a relationship with someone that did something like that to me?

  I swallow the lump in my throat. Suddenly, the room feels far too small. I need to get out of here, now. Carefully, not wanting to wake Jessica, I slide out of bed. Then I flee the room. I can’t stay here, looking at Jessica’s peaceful face and knowing what she did.

  Maybe it’s because it’s early. But if I’m feeling like this now, then maybe I’ll feel like this tomorrow, or the next day. Part of me wants to make a relationship with Jessica work. The rest of me wants to run in the other direction.

  Instead, I’m just stuck in one place, with no idea what to do next.

  I find all my clothes, putting Jessica’s on the couch so she can find them when she gets up. Then I flee. As I do so, I pull out my phone. I contemplate what to write.

  And then I know. I can’t do this. This is not how a relationship works. I can’t settle down in such an intimate relationship with Jessica, not while so many issues are hanging over both our heads.

  I send the message, feeling guilty that I’m not telling her this in person, and get on my bike. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be home. I want to ride as far away from here as I can, and then I just want to walk. I need the air.

  Then, maybe, I’ll be able to figure out what to do next.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Grant

  I’m a coward.

  A fucking coward.

  But I just can’t do this. Despite all my promises to myself, when I woke up this morning and saw her peaceful face, remembering how happy I was all last night, all I felt was how much agony I had been in as the memories began to hit me all at once. And I just know that I can’t stay there and try for a relationship.

  It hurts too much.

  “Fuck,” I curse aloud, hitting my table.

  All it achieves is a throbbing fist and I collapse into my seat, gripping my hair with one hand. Jessica hasn’t replied to my message yet, and I don’t expect her to. I glance at the clock. I have the night shift tonight, so I have a few hours before I leave.

  Maybe I should cancel work. I’m not in the best mind frame right now, and I’ll probably make mistakes. But I’ve canceled too many times in the last week and a half. Fiona has been good about it, but I can’t keep this up indefinitely. I have a responsibility to do my job, not to fall to pieces and cancel when I feel like it.

  Alright, so going to work is one thing I’ll be doing today. I glance at the clock. Still only just past ten-thirty. Time is crawling by excruciatingly slowly. What time did I get home again? Nine? I left Jessica’s house pretty early, but then I wandered the streets, berating myself and trying to figure out what, exactly, I want. But I’m no closer to figuring that out than I was when I fled Jessica’s apartment.

  Coward, my mind howls.

  I’m the one that asked Jessica for the second chance this time. I set up the date and picked her up and went back to her place last night. Now I’ve done exactly what Jessica did three years ago. Things got too hard and I ran away.

  Maybe I haven’t grown up after all.

  I groan and put my head on the table. What am I supposed to do now? I have no idea. Do I go back to Jessica and apologize? Will she even understand? I can’t blame her if she’s mad, though there’s a tiny part of me that thinks she might not have the right to be, after everything she put me through.

  What even possessed me to run off? I sigh into the wood. No, I know what happened here. It’s everything converging on me at once, isn’t it? One moment everything is fine. And then it isn’t anymore, because I still can’t get over the events of three years ago.

  Everything is going well now, but she’s just going to leave you again, a treacherous voice in the back of my head whispers.

  “Shut up,” I mumble aloud.

  Great, now I’m talking to myself. I bang my head on the table a few times for good measure. This is ridiculous. If I’d known I was going to react like this, I wouldn’t have asked her on the damn date to start with.

  Then again, there were signs, after all. The nervousness. The fact that I almost canceled several times on the day. I should probably have guessed that I was going to get cold feet.

  I’m just that much of a coward, now, too scared of getting hurt to stick around and let things be good for once.

  What’s Jessica thinking now? She’s definitely gotten my message by now. Will she reply? I almost want her to. Will she fight me on this? I definitely don’t want her to do that. Or maybe she’s trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. We’re both in uncharted territory. I spent three years chasing her while she ran away. Now the roles over been reversed, and neither of us knows what to do about that.

  “Get it together,” I mutter to myself.

  I glance at the clock again. Barely two minutes have passed. Maybe the clock is slow. Or maybe the world is just torturing me.

  I stand abruptly. I can’t stay here. My thoughts are just circling round and round and round, my mind too full to think anything rational right now. I just want some peace, but I don’t know how to get it. I need to talk about this, but who could I possibly talk to that would understand? Kyle would try, but he would just end up being mad on my behalf, and I don’t want him to be mad at Jessica, especially since, this time, it isn’t her fault. Alex would just feel guilty, despite the fact that none of this is his fault either. And Ethan…

  I stop.

  Ethan.

  Wouldn’t Ethan understand better than anyone? He, too, was betrayed by his partner many years ago, leaving him with sole custody of their daughter. As far as I know, his ex-girlfriend hasn’t been seen in many, many years, and it’s doubtful she ever has any intention of returning.

  A girlfriend that left suddenly, with no warning, leaving him reeling. Roiling feelings of dread and uncertainty. Not knowing how to cope with the situation he’s suddenly found himself in. He would understand much better than anyone.

  I pause for only a moment to grab my coat. Then I’m out the door, hoping that Ethan is home today.

  I’m in luck. Ethan opens the door of the small house he rents, looking puzzled to see me on his doorstep.

  “Hey, Grant,” he says, stepping back to allow my inside. “Don’t you have work today?”

  I glance at the clock. Time seems to be working again because it’s almost eleven now.

  “Soon,” I tell him. “Actually, I was hoping we could talk.”

  Understanding flashes across his face. This is the second time I’ve come to him for advice on the same matter, after all.

  “Sure,” he says. “I’d offer you a beer, but you’ve got work and I have to pick Lily up from school later. Want some coffee instead?”

  “Maybe a soda?” I ask. I’m not sure I can stomach a hot caffeinated drink right now.

  Ethan fishes out two cans of soda and we sit at his table. I fiddle with the tab before I open it, not sure how to s
tart.

  “When Polly left me, I was so angry,” Ethan says suddenly.

  I look up, startled.

  “I couldn’t figure out what had happened,” he says. He isn’t looking at me. “One moment we seemed to be happy. Then she was gone. No note. Her things disappeared. Eventually I realized that she hadn’t just turned her phone off, she changed her number. At first I thought there was some mistake or she was trying to prove some sort of point; she was always an idiot who took things too far, which should have been my first clue. I waited a few days, but she never replied to my messages and I couldn’t phone her. So I tried to contact her family and friends. But they were cagey. None of them wanted to tell me what was going on. Her parents almost did.” He snorts. “I know they know where she is. They still visit, because Lily is their granddaughter, and they love her. But we never talk about Polly. They don’t bring her up and I never ask. I don’t want to know. Ten years ago, she abandoned us. I know we were young and stupid. Lily was an accident because we weren’t careful enough. But to just disappear like that? No, that’s something I’ll never forgive. I wasn’t any more ready to handle parenthood then her, and I stuck it out.”

  The amount of bitterness in his voice is surprising, though it shouldn’t be. Ethan has every right to be bitter, after all. What Polly did to Ethan was way worse than anything I went through, and I feel a little guilty for bringing up all these awful memories for him.

  “Don’t,” Ethan says with a half smile, probably guessing what thoughts were flashing through my mind from the look on my face. “I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t want to, you know. I just want you to know that I do understand, no matter what you do. I know Kyle and Allison and Georgia are all hoping that you and Jessica get your happy ending. But what do you want?”

  Funny… It’s the first time someone has asked me that. As it stands, even the date happened because I wanted to try again for Owen’s sake. Maybe that’s the difference? Maybe I didn’t actually want the date to happen, but I pushed myself through it anyway.

  Maybe it was too soon. I don’t know. I still don’t really have any clue how to decipher my own thoughts, right now. I don’t know what I want.

  “What do I do?” I ask Ethan tiredly.

  “Can’t tell you that,” Ethan points out, and I groan.

  “I came here for advice,” I say with a sigh.

  “And I’m giving it to you,” he says patiently. “I’m telling you that you need to figure it out, man. You need to figure out what you want.”

  “I don’t know what I want,” I complain.

  I’m dangerously close to whining. But, damn it all, haven’t I earnt the right to complain a little?

  “Okay, let’s put it this way,” Ethan says. “Imagine going on another date with her. Do you think you’d be happy with that?”

  “Maybe,” I venture. Then I pause. “How did you know we went on a date?”

  Ethan snorts. “You haven’t noticed? Allison has turned Kyle into the worst gossip. He told me as soon as Allison told him.”

  “Right,” I say, deadpan.

  “Anyway, that isn’t the point,” Ethan says, “So, you don’t know if you’d be happy going on another date with her. Were you happy last night?”

  “Yes…” I say slowly.

  Eating burgers with Jessica… Sitting close in the cinema… Riding my bike with her… It had all been very nice. It was only when I woke up this morning after a very pleasant night that I realized anything was wrong.

  I can’t afford to have that pain and misery descend on me all at once anymore.

  “Alright,” Ethan says. He frowns. “What about cutting Jessica out of your life. How do you feel about that?”

  “I couldn’t cut her out of my life, even if I wanted to,” I point out. “I need to see her so that I can see Owen.”

  “Then forget Owen for a moment,” Ethan says, rolling his eyes. “Pretend that you never had a child again, but you still ran into Jessica after three years. Now you have the choice to allow her into your life, or cut her out completely. How does it feel to imagine that she won’t be there anymore?”

  I try to think about this. It isn’t hard.

  “She was gone for three years,” I say quietly. “It isn’t difficult to imagine a time when she’s gone.”

  “But that was her making the decision to walk away,” Ethan says. “I’m asking you how you would feel if you were the one to walk away.”

  The idea of having a decision like that is heady. I could make that decision. Not entirely, because of Owen, but I could distance myself emotionally from Jessica. I did try it once, after all. It didn’t work as well as I’d hoped, but I’d tried. I tried when she left, and I tried when she returned, but I keep being dragged back to her.

  Is it against my will? At times, it felt like it was, like I was being dragged kicking and screaming back into her presence. With Owen, it feels like I have little choice, as though the world is telling me to suck it up and deal with it. But does that mean we should be together?

  We shouldn’t. On paper, none of it makes any sense at all. She left me. She lied to me. I kept secrets from her. We didn’t have a healthy relationship to start with.

  But what about now, now that all the secrets are out in the open? She knows something of what happened to me. I know what she did. We both have Owen to look after. There’s very little left that either of us don’t know. And the things that haven’t been said don’t seem to matter much anymore.

  I glance at Ethan. Can I deal with walking away from Jessica?

  Part of me wants to, so badly. To throw my hands up and say “Screw you, world, I’m not doing what you want”.

  But then I remember why I asked Jessica on the date in the first place. I remember the way her short hair fell around her face, and the way she had laughed, her face alight with joy. I remember thinking that I hadn’t ever seen her like this, even when we were together, and I wanted to see more of it. We spent hours playing on the floor with Owen the other day, crawling around with him, heedless of how much larger we were or how childish we felt to be playing with toy cars. We felt ageless.

  “Do you want Jessica in your life?” Ethan asks softly. “Or do you want to hold her at arm’s length, seeing her only when you see Owen? Can you handle that?”

  “Do you think I can handle it?” I ask tiredly.

  “I don’t know,” Ethan says, shrugging. “As I said, I can’t tell you what to do. Whatever you decide, that’s your decision, and I’ll stand behind you one hundred percent. If you want a relationship with her, then go for it. If you don’t, then don’t force yourself, no one will blame you for it. I won’t blame you for it.” He gives me a small smile. “I know I couldn’t do it. But I’m different to you, and Polly has been gone a lot longer, with no intention of coming back and trying at all. Jessica is trying…but you need to figure out what you want, not what she wants or what everyone else wants from you. If you decide not to try a relationship, then she’ll still be in your life, but it’ll be like she’s barely there, anyway.”

  “I’ve already lived with a reality without her,” I can’t help but point out. “She was gone for three years. Wouldn’t seeing her every now and then for Owen’s sake be better that not seeing her at all?”

  “Not really,” Ethan says. “You might think you lived without her for three years…but did you?” He spears me with an intent look. “Or did you live with her shadow for three years?”

  I falter. He isn’t wrong. Jessica might not have been physically with me…but she also never quite left. Her picture was in my wallet. She was always in my thoughts. She was right there beside me, every step of the way.

  And that’s why this decision is so hard.

  Ethan claps me on the shoulder.

  “Go to work,” he advises. “Think about it. Don’t make a snap decision; it’s a big one, after all. Then, when you’re sure, talk to Jessica about it. I think she’ll understand, no matter what. She knows how muc
h she owes you, and even though she’s trying, she hasn’t tried to push you too much.”

  “Yeah,” I say hoarsely. “She’s been pretty good about me being so up and down… Though I’m not sure how she’ll take me leaving this morning. I just needed to get out of my head.”

  “She’ll understand,” Ethan says again. “And, if she doesn’t…then maybe she isn’t worth it.” He smiles at me. “Just think about it.”

  He stands and stretches.

  “Lily left her console plugged in last night,” he says, eyes twinkling. “Want to race, like old times?”

  I snort and get to my feet. The serious air instantly dissipates.

  “I’ll thrash you,” I promise.

  “You wish.”

  Ethan’s right. This is a big decision. I need to think it through carefully. I’ll try not to take too long, but I hope Jessica will give me the space I need to finally figure out what I want.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Jessica

  When I woke up to that message, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t angry or hurt. I was upset, yes, because who wouldn’t be? But I was more upset at myself than anything else. Because I knew that I brought this on myself.

  Slowly, I drag myself out of bed. There doesn’t seem to be much point to getting up, except that I need to ask Allison to bring Owen back at some point. Also, it’s Wednesday. I have work, don’t I? I have to get Owen to daycare.

  I glance at the clock. It’s very early. Far earlier than I would normally be awake for work. I hesitate for a moment and then I ring my supervisor.

  “Is everything alright?” Alicia asks with a yawn.

  “Hey, Alicia,” I say quietly. “Look, I’m sorry to do this to you, but I’m really sick. I don’t think I can make it in today.”

  “Oh.” It feels like Alicia is looking for a lie in my words, but she won’t find one. I’m not lying, after all. I feel quite ill. “I see. That’s fine, Jessica, we’ll find someone to cover you. Thank you for letting me know so soon.”