by Megyn Ward
Ellie is crying now, her heart broken over withheld ice cream. Someday, I’ll be happy she’s so determined and resourceful enough to break out of her confines and go after what she wants. Now, when she’s three and I’m facing down her daddy, I wish she had a more compliant attitude.
Blake turns on Kylie. “You said the getting married and the dive shop were the only big things to happen to you. Did you forget having a baby?”
Kylie stumbles a little. It’s obvious to me she’s lying. “It’s because. Well. I didn’t want to shock you all at once.”
Blake looks at Zach. “You’re a father? You went along with Kylie about not telling me? That is so messed up. What did you think I’d do?”
Kylie gives the fakest laugh I’ve ever heard. “I don’t know. It was stupid, I guess.”
I’m nearly out the door, Ellie still struggling but thankfully, not yelling anymore. Someone’s phone rings.
Zach walks towards me where a phone is ringing on the table by the front door. With his back to Blake he’s shooting poisoned darts at me with his eyes. He jabs his phone on. “Hi.”
I know I need to get the hell out of there but I can’t stop myself from looking back at Blake.
I’d known. Some part of me felt him on the island. He’d slipped into my mind probably from the moment the plane landed. How can that even happen? But it had. And here he is.
All I want is to step into his arms, lay my head on his chest, feel his strong heart, and rest in the warmth of his embrace. I love Ellie. But she’s hard. This whole thing is hard to do alone.
What would it be like to have a partner? To have Ellie’s father?
Blake.
I can’t let myself imagine it.
I slip outside and hurry across the piazza, the movement and the sudden departure from an audience calming Ellie. She rests her head on my shoulder and before I open the door to our own house, she’s dozing.
I get her into bed and snap on the dull night light with the pink and blue parrot fish. She loves it because it looks like the fish on the Paradise Found logo. I’m sitting on my bed watching her sleep, by heart hammering like the jaws of a metal stamp.
Blake. Here. On the island. Right next door. I’ve imagined seeing him millions of times. In my dreams our eyes meet across a crowded restaurant, or on an isolated beach. Maybe in an airport or on a train. I never run out of fantasies about accidentally running into Blake.
Of course, those dreams have nothing to do with real life. In my make-believe world, we were parted by some circumstance, like the car wreck in the movie Love Affair, or some other sappy romance. Not by his choice to walk away from me.
We wouldn’t expect to ever see each other again. At least that part is true. And when our eyes meet, the world would fall away and we’d lose awareness of everything except each other. We’d make our way across the room and fall into each other’s arms. The first kiss would melt us.
From there, I go into lovemaking and promises of happily ever after.
Seeing him here, shit. It’s ruined the fantasies. We made eye contact and he didn’t declare his love for me. He didn’t say anything except my name and mention my hair. Some amazing love.
Ellie makes a smacking noise in her sleep. I can’t help but smile. Maybe she’s dreaming of that ice cream.
Blake can never know she’s his child. I can’t risk him taking her away from me.
“Lauren.” Kylie opens my front door and speaks softly.
I give Ellie one last glance and sneak out to the living room. Kylie is waiting at the front door and she holds it open for us to go outside. I’m assuming so we don’t wake Ellie.
As soon as we stand in the dark under the mango tree, I start in. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me Blake was coming over? That he was on the island? That he might see Ellie?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t think it—.”
But I wasn’t done. I started to pace. “Is he gone? I mean, what were you thinking, letting him this close? Do you think he believes that Ellie is yours? What am I going to do if he doesn’t? What if he wants custody? He could take her away.”
Kylie holds her hand up to stop my tirade.
“He left me. I made everything right for us and he didn’t give me a chance. Just bailed on us. I can’t let him do that to Ellie.”
Kylie grabs my arm. “Shut up. Listen to me.”
I realize she’s got a strained look around her eyes. I slam on the brakes in my head and turn to her. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Kylie takes my hand. “Zach’s mother. She’s had a heart attack and they don’t know if she’s going to make it.”
“Oh my god, Kylie.” It had been a rough start for Kylie and Zach with his family. Well, really, only his father, the oversized prick of a bastard, Niles. He hates Kylie because, as he likes to say, she has no pedigree. This, despite her being the daughter of Jonas Knightly. But Zach’s mother, Darlene, has been sweet. She doesn’t outright defy Niles, but she comes to Cayman frequently and is always kind and supportive. Zach’s only sister, Alicia, stands up for Kylie and they’ve grown close.
Kylie squeezes my hand. “Zach’s booking us flights now. I’ve called Diana and she can handle the office as usual and pick up some of the admin work. But can you help out as dive master? I don’t know how long we’ll be gone, but we’re booked solid for the next few weeks.”
I’ll do almost anything to ease that look of concern on her face. “Of course. Don’t worry about it. Stay as long as you need to. We can keep it all afloat here.”
I think I sound reassuring but filling in for them will mean I have to go outside the walls. For more than one day. Maybe many days. Every part of me starts to tense and I fight to keep Kylie from noticing. She doesn’t need me to throw more worry on her.
Kylie hugs me and starts for her cottage. She spins around and rushes back and hugs me. “Thank you so much for being my sister. In every way. I am so lucky to have a family to love me.”
Well, shit. That makes me tear up. “We’re a sorry pair, huh? Took us a long time to get a family. But now that we’ve got each other, we’ll take care of each other, huh?”
She straightens up, strong and dry-eyed, like usual. “I’m sorry about the Blake thing. I didn’t tell him anything about you. I’d hoped he could come for dinner and leave without anyone being the wiser.”
Any other time I might point out how wrong she’d been. But not tonight. Tonight she needs care and concern. “No problem. It’s not like there’s anything between us. I mean, he walked away of his own free will. That was his choice. I doubt he’s coming back to find me now. Let alone a daughter to drag him down.”
Kylie frowns. It’s one of the perennial fights we have. She thinks Blake has a right to know about Ellie. I think he gave up that right when he left me. What’s best for Ellie is that she never knows the kind of father who would walk away.
She seems ready to say something but changes her mind and drops it. “Thank you for helping us out at the dive shop. Zach really needs to be with Darlene and I hate for him to do this alone if it all goes bad.”
I wave her off. “Go be with Zach. He needs you.”
I follow her a little way across the piazza. Because I’m concerned for my sister. Not because I want to spy in their front window. Not because I can’t help looking for Blake.
I don’t even care about the way he pokes at his phone, the look of concentration on his face. I couldn’t care less that he throws his arm around Kylie and hugs her to him when she goes back inside. It doesn’t affect me at all that he’s obviously helping them make their plans and get things in order.
I’m not at all jealous or heartsick that he’s not taking care of me that way.
Not at all.
The night sounds of crickets and the soft breeze of evening bring the scent of the ocean. I wonder where Blake is staying. What if he finds out Ellie is his? Would he fight me for her? I have given up so much. I’m not going to give her up, too. She’
s got everything she needs here. She’s got Deborah and Jacob, Gram, Zach and Kylie.
Freedom and a mother who loves her more than anything.
We don’t need anything more.
Chapter 6
Lauren
Kylie’s pickup follows the narrow blacktop road. The sun burns through the morning haze coming off the ocean. The air feels liquid and heavy. Deep green smells weight the air with decay and sweet floral. I don’t own a car. Since I rarely go out, I borrow Kylie’s used Toyota Tacoma. She bought it for Paradise Found. The bed is small, but a good size for hauling oxygen tanks and other dive equipment. She jokes that she doesn’t mind lending me the pickup because insurance is more than it’s worth and since I’m such a poor driver, she’s sure to come out ahead.
Ellie had been a pain in the ass this morning. She didn’t want to wake up when I pulled her from her sheets. She refused to eat her cereal and toast, but I managed to get some strawberries down her throat. We compromised and I agreed she didn’t have to wear anything but the pink ruffled panties and she agreed to let me comb her hair into two ponytails. Gram has standards, after all, and one of them involves fixing your hair. Gram wouldn’t be pleased about the semi-nudity, but she’d accept it for her beloved three-year-old great-granddaughter.
Besides, it is Deborah who will do the bulk of the babysitting. A naked Ellie is fine in Deborah’s opinion. I don’t feel too bad about leaving Ellie. If I’m honest, having a break from her feels freeing. If she had a normal life, I’d share childcare with her father.
An immediate stab of guilt hits me. I’m her only parent and I’m relieved to spend a day without her. How bad of a mother am I that I’m looking forward to an entire day without a battle of wills over naptime and having an orange instead of cookies at snack time?
I’m tamping down my nerves about being out in public with the chance of someone recognizing me. Over and over I tell myself it’s not a big deal. No one ever does and even if they did, what would it matter? I’m not having luck calming myself down. It matters because of Ellie.
But I’m going to dive. A two-tank morning dive and another tank dive in the afternoon. Heaven. I should be planning on which dive site to take the customers on, but instead, my heart is boomeranging in my chest.
There hasn’t been one single moment I haven’t thought about Blake since I’d seen him standing in Kylie’s kitchen. Damn him for looking so gorgeous. All I can concentrate on is the memory of his arms around me. The almost polite way he’d kiss me and ask if I was okay taking it further. And then, permission granted, the fierce way he made love. Giving and taking with confidence and assertiveness.
True, I didn’t have a lot of experience.
None.
I ought to be curious about other guys. But when I thought of sex, I immediately thought of Blake. Kylie nagged me and set me up on dates. She wanted me to at least have a good time, even if I didn’t intend to get serious. I told her I wanted to concentrate on being Ellie’s mother. We’d argue, of course, because that’s what Kylie and I do. She tells me I focus too much on Ellie and it’s not good for her to think she’s the center of the universe.
I counter by reminding her how close she was to her own mother. The two of them had braved life as a team. They were best friends and shared the joys and challenges of their lives.
She comes back with how devastated she’d been when her mother had died. Because she had no other family and few friends, since her mother had been both and all. She thought she’d have had a healthier attitude if her mother had been married or at least in a relationship that divided her devotion.
I think Kylie is full of shit and only trying to do what she thinks is best for me.
The truth is, and this is something I only half admitted to myself until last night, is that I don’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe I should work on that. I still have my old therapist’s number. A few sessions—dozens—might help me extract Blake from my brain and make room for other men.
A jolt of pain makes me catch my breath. “I don’t want to lose what little I have of him.”
This is getting better and better. Not only do I have an obsession with this guy who ran so far from me he couldn’t be found, but I’m talking to myself.
I drive my borrowed Toyota down the narrow road, the jungle pushing to reclaim the blacktop. I’m the first vehicle at the shop and I shut off the engine and step out to the already hot blacktop of the parking lot. Before I get to the shop, Diana whips into the slot the furthest away from the shop. She wants to leave the good spots open for customers. She pushes herself out of her beat-up Hyundai. She’s wearing baggy cutoffs, flip-flops, and an oversized golf shirt with the Paradise Found logo. She’s got on a logo-ed ball cap and only wisps of her black hair fight for release.
She raises her voice on the way across the lot. “Kylie called last night to tell me the bad news. We’ve got a couple of boats booked. I tried to find another dive master but didn’t have any luck.”
She catches up to me and pulls out a plastic coil with several keys attached to a silver loop.
I catch sight of the two dive boats and the old pongo. “What are we going to do?”
Diana frowns. “I know Darlene didn’t plan to have a heart attack, but the timing sucks. We’re booked up for the first time since we opened.”
They started the business with nothing but a few contacts Kylie had collected at Dive Love. She’d advertised and worked social media, but word of mouth and repeat divers is what makes a business. It had been lean for them but now Paradise Found seems to have hit the tipping point. If it keeps going this way, they’ll add another boat soon.
Diana unlocks the shop and I follow her inside. “How are we going to cut it down to one dive master?”
She sets her bag on the counter and opens the counter window to the dock. “I’m going to keep calling other shops and see if they can send over a spare divemaster.”
I walk around opening windows. “As if they’re just hanging around. Even if they are, why would another shop help us out?”
Diana shrugs. “They probably won’t. But maybe I can find a few open spots on their boats and recommend our divers to them.”
I hate that but what else are we going to do? If we help the divers find another shop and they like the dives, we might lose them for the future. Or, we might get some goodwill by not leaving them high and dry.
“Okay. I’ll get the boat ready.”
The drivers will show up in another hour or so. I haul the heavy oxygen tanks to the boat and check the reservations. Diana isn’t having much luck on getting a dive master but is compiling a list of openings at other shops.
“Goddamnit.” She slams her open palm on the counter. “It’s tough to stay optimistic in this life.”
I cast her an encouraging smile. “I know what you mean.”
She shakes her head. “I mean, I was raised by two mean sons of bitches in Atlanta and fought my way out of there to end up here. I thought it was a grand time and would only be a short matter of time before I found the love of my life. I had that false theory that it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich boy as a poor boy. So I got myself to where the rich ones hang out.”
I’d heard this before but from all Diana had been through, I assume talk therapy is good for her. At least, that’s the advice my therapists always gave me.
I remember my thought about seeing my old therapist to talk about Blake. Maybe I should bend Diana’s ear and save myself some money I really don’t have right now. But Diana and Blake were friends before Diana and I met, so it’d be better to keep my mouth shut about him.
After thinking about saving money, I’m back on the worry about how I’m going to earn the living Gram insists upon. It would be pretty damned easy to call up my old agent and get her working on drumming up some kind of gig. I might not be A-List anymore, but a B or C-ranking would still get me enough to keep Gram happy.
I’d rather work at McDonald’s.
I appreciate her pun from Looking For Mr. Goodbar and all that sordid stuff from the movie. I am developing a real affection for old movies because Gram has a huge collection and a home theater. Diana comes over and watches movies with me, Kylie, and Zach quite a bit. It’s something fun to do that doesn’t involve going outside the compound walls.
She keeps going. “So, yeah, recover, therapy, taekwondo, and a new business. Struggle, work, and then, WHAM! Sucker punch and we lose the business we worked so hard to build.”
A shadow blocks light from the open front door. “You’re not going to lose the business.”
And there goes the oxygen in the room. Despite him being only a silhouette against the morning sun I know every inch of him. I feel his heat from across the shop.
Blake grins at Diana. “You’ve got two boats of divers. You’ve got two dive masters.”
Diana squints at him. “You’re only here until this afternoon, aren’t you?”
He shrugs and steps into the shop. He doesn’t look at me huddling beside a rack of rash guards, but I know he knows I’m there. “That was the original plan.”
Diana starts to grin. When she does, the weight of sorrow she tends to carry slides off and she is watch-stoppingly pretty. “You’re going to help us out?”
He gives her that impish grin, the one that makes me laugh and want to kiss him all over. “Can you use me?”
“Fuck, yeah.” She flashes him a relieved smile. “Is your dive master certification still current?”
He’s standing in front of her in board shorts and a tight t-shirt. And I’m transported back four years ago. The night after my first dive, when Zach and I convinced Kylie to take us to her house for dinner. I’d had the best day of my life hanging with Kylie and Zach and going on the dive. No cameras, just two people who I dearly hoped would be friends. Real friends who wouldn’t demand a paycheck and insurance.
