by Mercy Amare
“When I lived in Chicago, I wasn't exactly worried about being bored. I was just happy to make it through another day, alive...” She immediately cut off her sentence and cleared her throat. “Anyway, I think it's charming here.”
“What happened to you?” I needed to know, but immediately regretted asking. I glanced over at her, tears spilled onto her cheeks. “Damn... I'm sorry, Roxy.”
She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. “I'm sorry I'm so screwed up. I should tell you, but I'm scared. What if you don't want to be friends with me after I tell you?”
“Why wouldn't I want to be your friend anymore?”
“Because it will scare the shit out of you, and it should. You should run far away from me and never look back.”
“That will never happen.” I gripped the steering wheel tight. My heart hurt at her words. I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how to.”
She took a deep breathe. “Remember how I said I was in the hospital for 4 months?”
I nodded.
“I was in the hospital because my own mother tried to kill me.” She shook her head, almost as if she was trying to shake off the memory. “My mom had 3 different personalities. One was similar to June Cleaver. Very motherly. One was cationic, all she did was stare at the wall. That one was my favorite. And the third one...” she shivered. “The third one was mean.
“Every day when I came home from school, I would wonder which one would be there waiting for me. The mean one was there the most. And that personality was convinced I had a demon inside of me... That I was a monster...”
I could see the pain in her eyes, but I didn't stop her. She had never opened up to me, and she might never again.
“She would always hurt me.” She held up her hand. There was a scar in the palm of her hand. “She liked to burn me a lot. Always on my left hand in the same spot. She was trying to scare the demon out of me. Of course, it never worked. Each time she tortured me, it got worse.
“On September third, my sixteenth birthday, I walked home from school. I remember praying the whole way home that monster mom wouldn't be there. I just... I wanted my birthday to be good.” She was now crying, and my heart hurt. “That day she took a knife and cut me from here,” she pointed to the top of her rib cage, “to here,” she pointed to the top of her leg. “She said said she was trying to cut the demon out of me.
“I don't remember a lot of it. I passed out from the pain. But I remember waking up. My mom was covered in blood, and her hands... They were inside of my stomach.”
She began to sob, and I couldn't stand to watch her anymore. I pulled the car into a gas station and pulled her into my chest. I stroked her hair gently, wishing so bad that I could take the pain away. After a few minutes she pulled back.
“I need to finish...” she took a deep breath. “I passed out once more, but then I woke up again. I'm not sure how much later it was. I thought for sure I was going to die. I felt like I was dying, and a part of me wished I was dead. But my mom was sitting about 5 feet away from me. She was covered in blood and had her hands on her forehead. She was rocking back and forth. She looked over at me and said 'I'm sorry'.
“I once again passed out. When I came to, it was 2 weeks later. I was in the hospital. Steve, he was my surgeon, and Emily was my social worker. Steve saved my life, and Emily helped me through one of the worst times of my life.
“The first few weeks were the worst. I wanted to hate my mom so bad, but I couldn't. I wanted her. I needed her to comfort me and tell me everything was going to be ok.”
There was so much emotion in her eyes. She gently pulled up her shirt and showed me the scar, and I swallowed hard. I tried not to cry.
I didn't even cry at my own father's funeral. Why do I suddenly feel like bawling?
“So now you know,” she said, pulling down her shirt. “And I won't blame you if you run away. In fact, you'd probably be crazy to stay.”
I looked her in the eyes. “I will never run away from you, Roxy Gibson. Never.”
She looked shocked at my words, but she smiled through her tears. “Why?” she whispered.
“I care too much about you to run away,” I whispered back. She shivered, but not because she was scared. I gently ran my finger up the side of her arm. “I'm not going anywhere,” I promised.
Roxy looked at me, and I swear my heart dropped into my lower intestine. I had an overwhelming desire to kiss her. I knew that I shouldn't. She just told me her own mother tried to kill her. Kissing her felt like an extremely selfish thing to do at that exact moment.
I looked at her lips, and silently wondered what they would taste like. I imagined they would taste like she smelled... Like cotton candy. She licked her lips. I looked her in the eye once more. Was that... desire? Certainly not.
She inched a little closer to me, and tilted her head up towards me. It was then that I knew she too wanted to kiss me. I knew I shouldn't, but I did it anyway.
I lowered my lips to hers and gently kissed her.
In the past when I kissed a girl, it was with force. I only wanted one thing from them, but with Roxy it's different. I don't just want to have sex with her. I want her, all of her. And not just for one night. I wanted her for long term.
Her lips parted and I stuck my tongue inside. I was right... she did taste like cotton candy. I started to kiss her hungrily. I needed more of her. She too became eager. I pulled her over on my lap, never letting my lips leave hers. She straddled me with her butt against the steering wheel. I let my hands roam on her body, and she played with my hair. She was like a drug I couldn't get enough of.
Suddenly, I heard a horn honk. We both pulled back, and laughed when we realized it was her who accidentally honked the horn with her behind. It was probably a good thing, because I was about to take her right here and now. She deserved more than that. I wanted to go slow with her, and we definitely weren't going slow.
“As much as I want to take you right here, I'd rather our first time not be in your car at a truck stop.”
She smiled at my words. “You're probably right.” Her voice was breathless, and it was the sexiest thing I had ever heard.
Roxy climbed off my lap, and back into the passenger seat. She put on her seat belt, and after I felt confident I could drive again, we took off. But I couldn't stop thinking about her, and that kiss. I adjusted my pants, and hoped she couldn't see how hard she made me.
NINE
ROXY
I opened up to Aiden. Surprisingly, he didn't run, and he didn't think I was a psychopath. In fact, quite the opposite happened. And my head was still spinning from the earth shattering kiss we shared.
I had never kissed a boy before last night, but what I imagined was completely different from what I actually felt. I remembered how it felt to have his hands on me. I remembered feeling the bulge in his pants while I straddled him, and I couldn't help but smile. Were kisses always that intense? Was this what it felt like to have a crush on somebody? To love somebody?
I shook off that thought. I couldn't love him. I haven't known him long enough for that. But whatever it is that I'm feeling, I hope it doesn't go away. I hope he doesn't go away, because I actually like him.
It was Monday again, but even that couldn't bring me down. I actually didn't dread my upcoming appointment with Dr. Lewis. I wondered for a moment if I should tell her about my intense kiss with Aiden, but quickly stopped myself. No way I would tell her that. But I could tell her about my weekend. I went to a party with actual people, and I went to see Aiden's family. Certainly she would be happy about that.
Aiden sent me a text while I was waiting for my appointment at Dr. Lewis's office.
Meet me on the roof? :)
I can't :( In an hour? I text back.
Sounds good. Can't wait to see you.
I looked at the text and smiled. I replied, Me too, and then put away my phone.
5 minutes later, I was sitting in front of Dr. Lewis. Only this time, I didn't feel so exp
osed. I almost felt normal.
“You don't have ink on your arms,” she noticed. “And you're smiling.”
I rubbed my arms. “I actually forgot about my arms. And I'm smiling because I have a reason to.”
“I take it you had a good weekend?” she asked. “Did you go visit your parents?”
“They came up on Friday,” I then continued on to tell her about my weekend. I told her about going to the party, and then going Aiden's house and meeting his family... I told her everything, except about the kiss.
“It sounds like you and Aiden are getting really close.”
I nodded my head. “We are.”
She leaned forward in her chair. “Look, Roxy, I'm really glad you're making a friend, but it sounds like you are really depending on this boy. What happens if he gets a girlfriend and she doesn't want him hanging out with you? Or what happens when you graduate and go your separate ways?”
I sat back on the couch, feeling overwhelmed. “I hadn't thought about that.”
She sent me a sad smile. “I'm not saying you should stop hanging out with Aiden. I like that he is encouraging you. But I want to make sure that you don't depend on him too much. If you do, you might find that you're worse off in the long run.”
I nodded, not sure what to say. She was right. I did depend on him more than I should.
Damn Dr. Lewis.
AIDEN
I was supposed to meet Roxy on the roof, but she sent me a text message saying she was tired and that she just wanted to go to bed. I tried not to be disappointed, but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to make her mine. But, at the same time, I knew I couldn't, not yet. Roxy was different. No matter how bad I wanted to dive in head first, I had to go slow with her.
I couldn't believe that she finally opened up to me last night. It was a huge first step for her. Everything she told me about her mom was completely crazy, and I was starting to understand why she was always so distant. She spent 16 years living with a psychopath. I wouldn't trust anybody if I was her.
More than anything, I wanted to take away her bad memories, but how could I? Would she always have panic attacks? Would she always write on her arms? Could I ever have a real relationship with her? I thought back to our weekend together, and I knew the answer. Yes, we could be together. The way she was with my family, with me... She may always be haunted by nightmares, but she will have a normal life.
The next day, I went to Roxy's dorm after football practice. She had been very quiet that day, and I wanted to see her. I needed to talk to her... To make sure that I didn't scare her off. When I knocked on the door, her redheaded roommate answered.
“You again.” She smiled.
“Is Roxy here?” I asked
She pouted. “What, I'm not good enough for you?”
No, I thought, but I didn't say it because I was a nice person. “Is she here?” I asked again.
“No.” She shut the door in my face before I could ask where she was. Not that I needed to know. She was either getting coffee or she was on the roof. I guessed the roof.
When I opened the door to the roof, I smiled when I heard music. Her back was turned towards me, just like the first day I saw her. She had her guitar in her hands. The sun was just starting to set, and I decided that there was definitely nothing more sexy than her in that moment.
Not hearing me, she started playing a song. I decided not to interrupt her. I just wanted to listen. She played so well, and her voice was so smooth and beautiful. Hearing her, it was hard to tell she had only been playing for 3 years. It came so natural for her.
Whenever you're around, I lose all control
Whenever I'm with you, I feel like I've found me
Whenever I feel you, I can't hold myself back
(back, back)
Cause you got me
I'm yours for eternity
I ain't turnin' back now
Cause I'm in way too deep
To turn back
Now that you've got me
I'm yours completely
Forever
Now that I've found you
I ain't turnin' back
Forever
I wondered if she wrote this song. Her other song way so dark, unlike this one, but both were so full of emotion. I could feel her vulnerability through the music. It wasn't the Roxy I was used to. This Roxy was so open, so honest, and so beautiful. Most of the time she spent trying to hide. It was nice to see her without the mask.
“Did you write that?”
I saw Roxy jump. “Geez, Aiden... Do you always have to sneak up on me?”
“Would you have sung that for me if you knew I was here?” I asked.
“Probably not.”
“Exactly.” I sat down beside her. “I love your voice.”
“Thanks,” she said shyly.
“Did you write it?” I asked her again.
She nodded her head, not looking at me. I wondered why she was being so shy about it.
“I love it.”
Finally, she looked me in the eyes, and I swear my heart skipped a couple beats. She was looking at me like she did in the car right before I kissed her. “It's how I feel about you. Us... Umm...” Once again, she looked down. “Not saying there is an us. But, never mind...”
I couldn't help but smile. She wasn't avoiding me because she didn't return my feelings. She was avoiding me because she was scared I didn't like her. Kind of ironic. “Roxy, just so you know, the feeling is mutual.”
A huge smile broke out over her face.
I put my arm around her, and we both watched the sun set. She leaned her head over on my shoulder, and it felt good. She was exactly where she belonged.
ROXY
Aiden walked me to my room Tuesday night. I didn't want him to leave. But, I also knew I wasn't ready for him to stay. He gave me a quick, sweet kiss on the lips, and I felt like I could melt into a puddle right then and there.
I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I kept playing our conversation in my head over and over again. I couldn't help but smile.
Suddenly, Dr. Lewis' words popped in my head, and I frowned.
I pushed her out of my head, and thought about Aiden. I didn't want him to just be a college fling. I wanted him to be my forever.
That night, I didn't have any nightmares, just peaceful sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed and fully rested. And, best of all, I woke up thinking of Aiden. I couldn't help but smile.
“That hottie football player stopped by last night looking for you,” my roommate, Rachel, told me. She licked her lips seductively. “What I wouldn't give for a piece of that.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her. “What happened to Danny?”
“We are still dating,” she winked at me. “What Danny doesn't know won't hurt him.”
I wanted to punch her. Thankfully she left for class. I sighed in relief and fell back on my bed. Not even my bitchy roommate could ruin my perfect mood.
My phone vibrated to alert me I had a text message.
Want to hang out tonight? It was Aiden.
I couldn't help but smile. I quickly replied Yes :).
Wear comfortable shoes, he said back.
I laughed at this text. Aiden was such a guy. The only shoes I ever wore were Converse and flip flops, and it was way too cold for flip flops. I guess he had never looked at my feet.
I quickly got ready for the day and left with just enough time to grab coffee before class.
TEN
AIDEN
Wednesday was possibly the longest day of my life. I was so excited about hanging out with Roxy, the day seemed to drag. Even football practice seemed extra long, which was weird, because football was my favorite part of the day... Or at least, it used to be. Now it was hanging out with Roxy.
Last night, after going to my dorm, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to make Roxy a flower out of paper. My sister taught me how to do it, she learned it in art class. I wasn't the most creat
ive person in the world, but I thought it looked great. I took plain white paper and colored it with colored pencils... My roommate takes an art class, and he let me borrow them... The stem was green, and the flower was pink and white. Gary laughed at me, but said he might try making one. He said it was easier to get laid when you're romantic, but that was not why I did it.
I've never asked Roxy what her favorite color was, but I thought it was pink. Which was why I made her flower pink... Or maybe her favorite was black. She had that strip of pink in her hair, and she always wore black or pink. I decided that I would ask her tonight.
I was at Roxy's room at 7 o'clock sharp.
She opened the door, and once again, I found it hard to breathe. I think she got more beautiful every time that I saw her.
“Hey,” she greeted me, smiling.
I handed her the paper flower. “I made this for you. I couldn't afford real flowers.” I suddenly felt embarrassed. There was no way she would like it. She deserved a guy who could afford to buy her real flowers.
“I love it. Thank you, Aiden.” I loved the sound of my name coming off her lips. Her face lit up, and I could tell that she really did like it. I wanted to make her smile like that everyday for the rest of my life.
Roxy followed me outside. I opened the passenger side door for her, and she slid in. We weren't driving very far, so my car would be fine to drive... At least, I hoped.
I watched as she turned on the radio and flipped through the stations. She found a familiar classic rock song, and then began to sing along. She put her feet up on the dashboard, getting comfortable.
Today, she was wearing her hot pink Chuck Taylor's, a pair of jeans that had a hole in them at the knee, and she was wearing a black hoodie. It was normal Roxy attire, and as always, she looked stunning.
The drive to Chewacla State Park only took about 10 minutes.
“I hope you like hiking,” I said, as we got out of the car.”
“I do,” she smiled. “I've heard it's beautiful here. I've never actually been before.”
