by Mercy Amare
“Me either.”
As we began walking the path, I held Roxy's hand.
“Aiden?” I heard Roxy's voice.
“Yeah?”
“What is this?” she asked, motioning towards our hands.
For a slight moment, I felt panicked. What was I doing with her? I wasn't supposed to fall for anybody. I was supposed to come here, get my degree, get a job, and support my family. But then I looked at Roxy. She waited patiently for my answer, no pushing or forcing me. I wondered for a moment if I could change my plans to include her, and I knew I could. I didn't want to do any of this without her. I suddenly felt peaceful.
“This is me, falling for a beautiful girl.”
She smiled at my words, but then got a serious look on her face. “I'm broken, Aiden. Are you sure you want to fall for somebody like me?”
“It's already too late,” I admitted, shocked by how true my words were. “I couldn't run away if I wanted to.”
ROXY
As we walked on the path at the park, Aiden held my hand, and I felt giddy. I could truly say that I had never been this happy. He told me he was falling for me, but what did that even mean? Did he mean love? The thought both excited and frightened me equally.
“What's your favorite color?” he asked randomly.
“Pink,” I answered. I didn't even have to think. It had always been my favorite color, ever since I was a little kid. Pink was a happy color. “What about you?”
He thought for a minute before responding. “Sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's gray.”
“Gray? Really?” What an odd favorite color. Not quite black, not quite white.
“It's the color of your eyes. Some days they're green, some gray, and right now, they're a mixture... They're like a smoky green color.” He stopped, gently touched my chin, and tilted it up so I was looking at him. “It's one of my favorite things about you. You're eyes are extremely sexy.”
Sexy? Wow, that word sounds so good coming from his lips.
Suddenly, I felt warm. It was 50 degrees outside, which was normal for October in Alabama, but I didn't think the weather was making me hot.
I looked down at the ground, feeling shy. Aiden was... well, hot. And probably very experienced. I had never even kissed a boy before him, unless you count first grade, which I didn't.
“What's the matter?” He asked.
For a moment, I thought about telling him, but quickly decided against it. “Nothing.” I sounded brave, bold even. But the truth was, at that moment, I was scared of losing him.
Aiden saw through me. “Please, Roxy, tell me.”
“I don't feel very sexy,” I told him. “I've never actually...” I stopped myself from telling him that I was a virgin. I was too embarrassed to say the word, though I didn't know why. Lots of 19 year old's haven't had sex... Right?
He looked surprised. “Are you saying that... you're a virgin?”
Again, I looked down and nodded my head.
“Roxy, that is not a bad thing.” He once again tilted my chin so I was looking at him.
“It's not?” My voice came out in a whisper.
He shook his head, and then grabbed my hand. “Come on, pretty girl. We should head back before it gets too dark.”
I nodded my head to agree, but I was looking at his lips. I wanted to kiss him so bad.
He pulled me close and whispered in my ear. “If you keep looking at my lips like that, I may never take you back.”
I shivered against his chest, and heard him groan. He put his forehead against mine. His lips were so close. I stood there, waiting for him to move closer, but he didn't. He took a step back, once again grabbed my hand, and I followed.
I was kind of in a daze while we walked back to his car. I wondered what just happened, all the while trying to compose myself. I had never acted like that before.
I realized exactly what I was... vulnerable. Once again, I opened myself up to him. I gave him a piece of what was left of my heart. I only hoped he didn't break it.
AIDEN
As I walked Roxy to her dorm room, she was quiet, and I wondered what she was thinking. I was also thinking about our earlier conversation... She thought being a virgin made her less sexy... less desirable. But that couldn't have been further from the truth. If anything, it made me want her more.
Roxy wasn't just a hook up though. She wasn't a one-time thing. She was the kind of girl that I wanted to marry, and having sex in a car, or a dorm room, didn't seem special enough. She deserved romance. She deserved... better than me.
When we got back to her room, it was only 9 o'clock, but there was a sock tied around her door. I could tell that she was upset.
“Come chill with me tonight,” I suggested to her. “I know Gary won't care if you're there. He thinks you're awesome.”
“I don't know...” she bit her lip while she thought.
I decided to whisper in her ear again. Mainly because I wanted to feel her shiver again. “I'll kiss you to sleep.”
She smiled, and I could tell that she was leaning towards yes. “I don't have any pajamas.”
“I have plenty of t shirts, and some sweat pants.” I smiled at the thought of seeing her in my clothes. If she didn't say yes, I would throw her over my shoulder.
“Ok.” She agreed.
I held Roxy's hand as we walked up the stairs to my floor. I've gotten used to her hand being there, and I liked it there. It felt like it is where it belonged.
I felt kind of nervous as we got close to my door. I've never had a girl stay the night with me. Sure, I've had sex, but it was always just a hook up. I've dated lots of girls, but I've never been in a relationship... Before I started college, I was quite the player.
After my dad died, I started drinking, having sex with as many girls as I could, and partying. I even smoked some weed, but thankfully didn't get into any hardcore drugs. I was sober during my football games, but that was it.
My senior year, I was barely passing. I was about to get kicked off the football team because of my bad grades. My coach was telling me about the colleges that were looking at me. He really helped me get my act together. I got all my grades up to at least C's in every class, and I stopped partying. Once I got my scholarship, I knew what I had to do.
I knew college was going to be a lot harder than high school. It was my opportunity to get out of Heart, Alabama. I was finally going to make something of myself. And that was why I was here. For me. For my family. And now, for Roxy, too.
Suddenly, I wished that I was a virgin too. Roxy was the kind of girl who was worth waiting for.
When we got to my room, I was thankful that Gary wasn't there.
I walked over to my drawer to get her something to change into. I grabbed the shirt on top. It had my high school football team's logo. I also handed her a pair of black sweat pants. I tossed them to her, and she went into the bathroom to get changed.
ROXY
I put Aiden's shirt on. It was big, but it smelled like him. I immediately loved it, and decided I would probably never give it back. I put on his sweat pants. They were a medium, but a very big medium. I tied it tight to keep it from falling. I didn't look sexy, but I still liked it. It was Aiden's clothes. It made me feel very close to him.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I felt very shy. Why did I agree to stay with him? Was I going to sleep in his bed with him? Or should I offer to sleep on the floor? I didn't have to think too long. Aiden scooted over on the tiny bed, making room for me, and patted the spot beside him.
I snuggled up next to Aiden, putting my head in the crook of his arm. He kissed my forehead, and pulled me closer.
“I like you here.”
“Me too,” I agreed. I probably liked it there more than I should. As much as I tried to listen to what my therapist said, about me depending on him too much, I couldn't seem to make my heart listen. And, if I was being truthful, I was glad that my heart wasn't listening.
I looked up at Aiden's lips
again, and I felt my heart accelerate.
“I told you to stop looking at me lips like that,” he whispered. “I'm trying to be good, but it's very hard when you look like you want to devour my lips.”
I licked my own lips, and then looked him in the eyes. “Maybe I don't want you to be good.”
I was shocked at my own words, but they were only out of my mouth for a few seconds before his lips were on mine. His kiss was forceful, and hungry. I felt a zap from the top of my head all the way to my toes, and I met his lips with the same forceful response.
He flipped me onto my back, and climbed on top of me, his lips not once leaving mine. I put my hands in his hair, and gently pulled it. His hands rested on my hips, never moving from that spot, and I felt frustrated.
His lips left mine, and he began kissing me down my neck.
“Touch me.” I almost sounded like I was begging.
I felt him freeze, and then he gently lifted off of me. “Roxy... Are you trying to kill me?”
“What?” I asked.
“We can't.” His voice was tight as he spoke.
I felt my heart drop, and looked away from him. I suddenly felt like crying. Was it one sided? Did he not feel the heat between us? I wanted him, but he obviously didn't feel the same way. A tear ran down my cheek, and I did my best to hide it from him.
I felt Aiden's hand wipe the tear away. “Hey, look at me.”
My eyes met his.
“It's not that I don't find you desirable. I want you so fucking bad that it hurts.” He shook his head sadly. “You are special to me, and I want our first time to be special.”
“But I just want you,” I whispered. “And as long as it's with you, it will be special.”
He gently kissed my lips. “I want you too, but not here in my dorm room where my roommate could come in any second, and not tonight. You deserve better than this.”
I couldn't help but smile at his sweet words. Only Aiden could make me feel good about being turned down. “You're amazing.”
My eyes glanced down, and I saw just how bad he wanted me. I suddenly felt warm again. Aiden groaned and fell onto the bed beside me.
“We can still kiss though, right?” I asked shyly, though I'm not sure why I was being shy now. I was begging him to feel me up just a few seconds ago.
He smiled. “Yeah, we can.”
Aiden kissed me again, but this time it wasn't quite as forceful. His kisses were soft, and sweet. The kind of kisses fairy tales are made of... It was then I knew that it was too late. He already had my heart – all of it.
ELEVEN
AIDEN
When I woke up on Thursday morning, Roxy was in my arms. She was still sleeping, and I watched her chest fall up and down as she breathed. She was wearing my t-shirt and sweatpants. They were huge on her, and I think it was the first time I realized just how tiny she was. I knew that it was my job to protect her. And I would do anything to protect her.
I looked over at Gary's side of the room. Since rooming with him, I knew that he didn't make his bed. Ever. But I could tell he hadn't been there. He probably stayed with some girl... or girls. With him, nothing surprised me.
I let my eyes fall back onto Roxy, and took in her beauty. I knew that I had to be the luckiest guy in all of Alabama. I thought back to last night. It took all my willpower to pull away from her when she begged me to touch her. I knew if she asked again, there was no way I could say no. I wanted her, and now that I knew she wanted me to, it was going to be harder to hold back.
I felt her move in my arms, and her eyelids fluttered open. When she looked up and saw that I was holding her, she smiled, and I swear my breath caught in my throat. Roxy waking up had to the sexiest thing I had ever seen.
I suddenly wished that I didn't have a 10 o'clock class. It was almost time to leave.
“I never want to get out of this bed,” I admitted.
“Me either,” she agreed. “I'm going home this weekend. Do you want to come with me?”
We didn't have a game this weekend, so I figured why not? It did sound like a lot of fun. “Sure. That would be kind of awesome. Plus, I kind of owe you for going with me last weekend.”
“Yeah, my house will probably be boring. I have no siblings to keep us entertained.” She looked a little sad as she said it.
“It's ok,” I shrugged my shoulders. “Don't get me wrong, I love them, but sometimes they drive me crazy.”
“I kind of feel like ditching school tomorrow, and going early.”
I smiled. I only had that one class that I hated. “I'm game.”
ROXY
Thursday felt like it would last forever, but finally, Aiden and me were packed and ready to leave. I turned on the GPS and let him drive. I only had my license for just over a year, and I still wasn't a confident driver, especially at night.
While we were taking off, I sent a text to Emily and let her know that we were both on our way there. I also called Dr. Lewis earlier and canceled my appointment for that day. I let her know I was going home to spend time with my parents, but conveniently left out the part of Aiden going with me. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.
“So what are the plans for this weekend?” Aiden asked as we merged onto the interstate.
“Well, we could swim.” Once it was out of my mouth, I cringed. Sure, I had shown him my scar, but being in front of him in a bathing suit all day was a bad idea. I would be self conscience the whole time.
He laughed. “You're delusional if you think I'm going to swim. It's October, and it's kind of freezing outside.”
I rolled my eyes. Being from Chicago, I loved the warm winters in Alabama. “You're being a bit dramatic, Aiden. It's not freezing. The high today was 60. And it's not like I would suggest swimming outside. We have a indoor pool.”
His eyes got big. “Are you serious?”
“Yep.” I paused before adding, “We also have a hot tub.”
He cleared his throat, but didn't reply. I hoped he was thinking of all the things he was going to do to me in the hot tub. My mind once again went to my scar, but if we were in the water, he wouldn't see it.
“Hey, Roxy?”
“Yeah?”
“You're kind of perfect.”
I looked at him, stunned. “Now you're the one who is delusional.”
His voice was so soft when he spoke to me. “It's just that... I never thought I would meet somebody that could make me feel like this. I know we haven't known each other that long, but I think I might be in love with you.”
How did we go from talking to hot tubs to love?
“You don't want to love somebody like me, Aiden.” My words came out in a whisper because I was so scared. “I am absolutely the worst girl for you.”
“I know that you are the absolute right girl for me.”
“How do you know?” I asked. I wanted to hear that he loved me, but now that he said it, it scared me. Every part of me knew that he deserved so much better than this scared, fucked up girl that I was.
“I feel it, Roxy. I feel it so strong. When I'm with you, I can't touch you enough. I can't spend enough time with you. When we're apart, I feel like a part of me is missing. You are the part of me that I've been missing my whole life.”
“Do you have any idea how screwed up I am?” I felt a tear run down my cheek. His words broke my heart, because I felt it too. I felt selfish, though. If I truly loved him, I should run. I should save him from ever becoming involved with me. But I knew I couldn't. It was too late, and I was much too selfish. “You don't know the real me.”
“Then let me get to know the real you.”
I didn't hesitate before responding. I knew if I did, I would lose my nerve. “My name hasn't always been Roxy Gibson. I used to go by the name Emma Bradford,” I confessed. “People kept recognizing my name. They would Google me, and see what happened, but they wouldn't feel sorry for me. They were scared of me.” I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. “What happens if I'm like h
er?”
He looked over at me, stunned. “You are nothing like your mom. And you are not Emma Bradford anymore. You are Roxy Gibson. You're strong. After everything you've been through, you still wake up in the morning with a smile on your face. That's better than most people could do, even me. When my dad died, I had to stay drunk in order to function, but not you. You push through your pain. If anything, you should run away from me. I'm the weak one.”
Was he right? Was the strength inside me all this time?
You're weak, I heard my mom's voice. As always, she would never leave me alone.
“SHUT UP!” I yelled at her, and began sobbing. “I'm not weak!”
I lifted the center console and grabbed my pen. I began writing I'm strong over and over again. After writing it about 20 times, I began to feel my heart drop to a steady pace, and I felt better. When I looked up, I realized that Aiden had pulled over the car.
“Do you hear her? Is that why you write on your arms?”
I was afraid to look in his eyes. I nodded my head. “It's the only way I can get her voice out of my head.” I paused before adding, “I'm sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Aiden pulled my head over onto his shoulder. I rested it there, and I felt him kiss the top of my head before falling to sleep there.
AIDEN
Roxy slept on my shoulder while I drove the rest of the way to her parent's house. My heart felt so heavy, seeing her break down like that was breaking my heart. I wondered how anybody could ever hurt her like her mom did. I couldn't imagine going through such a traumatic experience and still being able to function.
When she said her name used to be Emma Bradford, it sounded so familiar, and I wondered why. I knew that I had never met her before. I wondered if what happened to her was on the news. Maybe I had seen the story, and just forgot about it.
I only drove another 30 minutes before we got to her house. As we drove through town, the houses kept getting bigger, and bigger. Finally, I pulled into their driveway, and I felt myself swallow hard. Their house wasn't a house... It was a mansion, especially compared to my mom's single-wide trailer. I suddenly felt very insignificant.
