by Mercy Amare
He nodded his head, and I handed his phone back. He looked unsure for a moment, but he backed out of the bathroom and gave me privacy. I needed a moment to think about what I just did.
I pushed myself up, and leaned against the counter. The girl in the mirror looked terrible. She was pale, and sick. She looked familiar. She looked like Emma. I quickly realized that she, me, was sick. I hated the person that I saw.
I decided at that exact moment I was not going to let myself be stupid just because a boy broke my heart. Not that Aiden was just 'some boy'. But I didn't dwell on that. He was done with me, and I had to respect that. I would always cherish the short time I had with him.
I cleaned the bathroom until it was spotless. I had no energy left, but somehow, I made it back to my dorm room and fell back asleep. When I woke up, I decided nobody else would ever have my heart.
“How are you?” he asked. I could hear the double meaning behind the question.
I felt a tear fall down my cheek. “Can we talk?”
He nodded, and grabbed my hand. We went upstairs into one of the bedrooms, and in there, I told him everything, starting with my mom, and ending with how Aiden ripped my heart into shreds.
AIDEN
I looked for Roxy at the party, but I couldn't find her. I was thinking maybe she skipped, but then I saw her redheaded friend, Rachel. I knew she was there. I hated that girl, but I was desperate to find Roxy. I walked up to her.
“Where's Roxy?” I asked.
“Hello to you too,” she tried to act offended. I could smell the tequila on her breath, and I felt sick. I took a step back.
“Where is Roxy?” I asked again, hoping that she would answer me this time.
She rolled her eyes. “I don't know. I haven't seen her since we did shots.”
Dread filled my stomach. “She was drinking?”
“Yeah...” She thought for a minute. “Actually, I think maybe I saw her going upstairs with a guy earlier.”
“WHAT!?”
Her eyes bugged out, and then she laughed. “Relax, Aiden. She loves you. There's no way she's fucking some other guy.”
I didn't listen to her, I just ran up the stairs. Just as I got to the top, I saw Roxy coming out of a room with Gary. I didn't even think about it before I ran over and punched Gary. He fell over, knocked out cold. My fist stung, but I didn't even care.
“What the hell, Aiden!” she screamed, kneeling down.
I was furious with her. “Out of all the guys in this school you could have fucked, why him?”
She looked up at me, glaring. “I didn't fuck him.” She slapped me across the face, and it stung.
“Really?” I felt nauseous. I should have asked questions before knocking out my best friend, but I was so mad. I could tell by the look on Roxy's face that I really fucked up... Again.
“Really! I haven't been with anybody else!” Tears were running down her face. “He was just checking on me. He found me in his bathroom the day after you left. He was just worried.”
“I'm sorry.”
She looked disgusted. “You say that a lot.”
“I know...”
“But if I wanted to fuck somebody else, it wouldn't be any of your fucking business!” she yelled, again. “I'm trying to move past what happened.”
“What about the note you left me this morning?” I asked, confused.
“What note?”
I pulled it out of my pocket, and handed it to her. She looked at it, and then looked up at me.
“I didn't write this. It's Rachel's handwriting.” She threw the note back at me, and my heart felt heavy. Had I read her signals wrong. Did she really want me to leave her alone?
“How can I get you back, Roxy?” I felt tears cloud my vision.
“I don't know.” With that, she stepped over Gary's unconscious body and walked away from me.
EIGHTEEN
ROXY
I was home for the holidays. Well, not home. Every Christmas, Steve, and Emily took me to Emily's parent's vacation home in southern Florida. They had a huge beachfront property. It was beautiful and I loved it there.
I laid on the sand, looking out at the ocean. I felt numb. Every time a wave came in, the water got closer to me. Pretty soon I would be covered in water.
Maybe if I'm lucky I'll drown. I pushed the thought away. I was not stupid enough to be suicidal. After everything that I've lived through, I figured that nothing could stop me. I had to be the strongest person ever. Or at least, that's what I kept telling myself. I knew that it was a lie. I was weak.
While I laid on the beach, I allowed the tears to run freely down my cheeks. I told myself that it was alright to be sad sometimes, but as each tear fell, I felt like more of a failure.
I heard somebody walk up behind me. I quickly sat up, and wiped the tears from my face.
“Hey, Mom,” I greeted Emily as she sat down beside me.
“You miss him, don't you?”
I wanted to pretend I didn't know exactly who she was talking about, but I did. I nodded my head, and began to sob even harder. Emily pulled me closer, and let me sob into her shoulder.
“Why don't you forgive him, Roxy? People make mistakes, and he made a mistake. You can't punish him for it forever.”
I didn't know how to answer her. What she was saying was true, but I didn't want to forgive him. I didn't want him to hurt me again. “I gave him my heart once, and he broke it. I can't risk it again.” Ever, I added silently.
“I know you're scared, but you can't run from your feelings forever.” She sighed. “Do you love him?”
“Yes,” I whispered. I was tired of lying.
“Roxy...” Emily started... “I know what your mom did to you messed with your head, but you can't keep pushing people away because of her. If you want to truly live, you have to take chances.” She kissed the side of my head. “I love you, and I want you to be happy. That boy makes you happy. Just think about it.”
She pushed herself off the sand, and left me sitting there. I watched the waves crashing onto the shore. For miles and miles, all I could see was water in front of me. It was beautiful.
I thought about what Emily told me. In my heart, I knew what I needed to do, but my brain kept telling me no. I was scared. I knew eventually that I would have to forgive Aiden. I just hoped that I did before it was too late, because deep down, I knew he wouldn't fight for me forever.
I thought about the note I wrote him. I told him Rachel wrote it because I was mad. I hadn't heard from him since that night. Maybe it was already too late, but I hoped not. I knew that no matter what, I would never find another Aiden.
AIDEN
I sat in the living room with Aaron, Grace, and my mom. We were watching Christmas Vacation, the funniest movie on the planet, and even that couldn't make me laugh. My heart was broken, and there was no fixing it.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to hit ignore, but didn't when I saw Roxy's mom's number pop up. My heart accelerated, and my hands were shaking as I answered it.
“Hello,” I said, walking outside so I could talk without disturbing my family.
“Hey, Aiden,” I heard Emily's voice on the other end. “How are you enjoying your Christmas break?”
“It's great,” I smiled, because despite how miserable I was, it was great to spend time with my family. “You know, great besides missing Roxy.”
“She misses you too.”
My heart felt like it was about to explode with happiness, but I told myself to calm down. There was no way that Roxy missed me. “I'm not so sure about that,” I disagreed with her.
“I have a proposition for you, Aiden...”
“I'm all ears.”
3 days later, I found myself anxiously boarding a plane. It was the first time I had ever flew, and I was still not keen on the idea of being a mile above ground going 500 miles per hour. The thought made me nervous, and I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit.
When I thought abo
ut what I was going to do once I landed, I didn't feel any less nervous. But I had to try. One last time, I had to fight for her. I decided that if she told me no, I wouldn't bother her again. I couldn't keep pushing her. I couldn't keep reminding her of how I hurt her.
They called for my section to board, and I suddenly felt dizzy.
This is it, I thought before getting in line. It took about 10 minutes to get to the front. I gave the attendant my ticket, and a couple guys behind her motioned me forward. I walked down a long hallway that creaked with every step I took, and I felt the chunks rising to my throat.
When I walked onto the plane, it was already crowded. I walked down the long, skinny isle, and I could only think about how many people there were on the plane. I had never been claustrophobic before, but I was suddenly feeling it.
Finally, I found my seat. I sighed in relief when I saw that it was an aisle seat. I didn't think I could handle if I was smashed against the window.
The person beside me never even looked up as I sat down. He had his headphones on, and his Kindle out. He actually looked bored. I put on my seat belt, and gripped onto the armrests on both sides of me. I breathed in my nose, and out my mouth. That's what you're supposed to do when you're panicking, right?
I closed my eyes, and thought of Roxy. I thought of her beautiful smile, and began to relax. I knew that even if this plane crashed down, and I died in a fiery explosion, she was worth it.
I felt the plane start to move, and a voice came over the loudspeaker. I didn't listen to what he was saying, I just continued to breathe.
Roxy, Roxy, Roxy, I told myself over and over again.
We drove around the runway for what felt like forever, and then we stopped. My anxiety was building with every second, and it was like they were teasing me. Suddenly, I heard a loud noise. It was getting louder, and the plane started moving. It kept getting faster, and faster. I was laying back against my seat. I looked out the window next to us, and watched as we lift off the ground. My head was dizzy as we went up higher and higher, but finally, I relaxed.
This isn't so bad.
I decided to use my time on the plane to think about what I was going to say to Roxy when I saw her. I had said I'm sorry more times than I could count.
I didn't have long to think about it, because we were only in the air for about an hour before we started going back down. I felt nervous again, but not about the landing... I was nervous about seeing Roxy again.
ROXY
I looked down at the shoe box full of letters from Aiden. I pulled them out and started reading them one by one.
November 13
Roxy,
I don't know how many more ways I can say sorry, but I am. I HATE myself for what I did to you. If I could trade places with you, I would in a heartbeat. I want to take you pain for you. But I can't. All I can do is be there for you, but you won't even let me do that, and it's killing me.
I love you,
Aiden
November 19
Roxy,
Everyday that I'm not with you, I feel like I'm slowly dying. I am missing a part of myself, and you are that missing piece. Please, give me another chance. I promise I won't break your heart ever again.
I love you,
Aiden
November 22
Roxy,
I saw you again yesterday. You flipped me off, again. I'm a jerk, and I know I deserved it. But it wasn't you silently telling me to 'fuck off' that hurt. It was the pain in your eyes. You smile with your friends, but I can still see the hurt in them. The hurt that I put there. If you let me, I will spend forever making it up to you... I may never be able to, because I hurt you bad, but please, let me at least try.
I love you,
Aiden
December 1
Roxy,
I saw you dancing with yet another guy at a party. I felt jealous at first, but then I looked at you. You looked completely bored. And I couldn't help but smile. I decided that maybe you do still love me. Maybe there is hope.
I love you,
Aiden
P.S. I like your clothes better than Rachel's. You're NOT that girl Roxy. You're better than that.
I cried as I read each of them. Each one special in their own way. I decided at that moment that I had forgiven Aiden. I only wished that I would have read the letters sooner.
I pulled out my cell phone and decided to send Aiden a text.
I forgive you. I'm sorry that I couldn't say it sooner.
I sat there, waiting for a response. After 5 minutes, I felt my heart drop. I was too late. I walked out to the beach, and laid there. I let the tears run down my face freely.
AIDEN
I walked out the back door, and sure enough, Roxy was laying in the sand, just like her parent's said. I felt nervous and as I got closer to her, I froze. Maybe coming here was a mistake.
I watched Roxy a few more minutes, trying to get my nerve up. She wiped her face, and I walked closer. I could tell that she had been crying, and I felt like shit.
As I walked closer, Roxy heard me, and sat up and wiped her tears away. She still hadn't looked at me, she was looking at the ocean. I quietly sat down in the sand beside her.
“It's beautiful here,” I said.
Finally, Roxy's eyes met mine. “Aiden?” At first she looked completely shocked, but then she jumped up and wrapped her arms around me. It felt so good to have her arms around me. But then, I felt her sobbing against my chest, and I pushed her back.
I took my thumb and gently wiped away her tears. “Please, don't cry.”
“I'm sorry,” she apologized. “I've been such a jerk to you.”
I was floored. She was apologizing to me? “You have no reason to be sorry, Roxy. I am the one who should be apologizing. I've been such a douche.”
“So you don't hate me?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I could never hate you, Roxy. I'm so completely, crazy in love with you.”
She looked me in the eyes. I was trying to read her expression, but it kept changing. Shock, desire, sadness, and love all flashed across her face. “I love you, too.”
I started to say something else, but was cut off when Roxy's lips covered mine. I saw a flash of desire right before her lips touched mine. I was shocked for a second, but then I kissed her back. I breathed her in. I forgot how good she tasted.
NINETEEN
ROXY
When Aiden told me he loved me, I couldn't take it any longer. I was so happy. I kissed him with passion and desire, and was surprised when he kissed me back with the same emotion.
Aiden climbed on top of me, and held my hands against the ground. He was kissing me hard. I felt his lips leave mine, and make their way down my neck. I couldn't hold back the moan that escaped my lips. When it did, I felt Aiden melt into me. He began to kiss me harder.
His grip on my hands loosened, and I took the opportunity to pull on his shirt. I was certain by now that he was fully aware that I was going to take him right there on the beach. Suddenly, I was thankful that this spot wasn't visible from the house. A hill blocked this particular spot.
Aiden was obviously thinking the same thing, because he took the hint and quickly threw his shirt off, and then started to tug my shirt up.
His lips crashed into mine once more. His kisses were driving me crazy.
“Aiden...” I said, breathlessly.
“Yeah?” he asked between kisses.
“I want you.” When the words left my mouth, it didn't take long for the rest of our clothes to come off. He began to suck on my breast, and I let out a soft moan. He was teasing me, but I just wanted him inside of me.
“Aiden?”
Not stopping, he looked up at me.
“Please...” I beg him.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, he was once again kissing my lips. I felt him slide inside of me, and I let out a whimper. He began to push in and out of me, I rocked my hips right along with him. I could feel the pleasure building i
nside of me, and I knew I was about to explode. As if he knew exactly what I needed, he pushed into me harder, and faster.
I screamed his name, just as I felt a release. He gently fell into my chest. We were both breathing heavy. He put his forehead on mine. “I love you.”
I couldn't help but smile at his words. “I love you too.”
He gently lifted himself off of me, and I was already missing him inside of me.
“I don't even want to think of the places I'm going to have to wash the sand out of,” he joked.
I laughed. “It'll be worse for me. You were on top.”
He gave me a serious look, and said, “Next time, you will have have to be on top.”
Butterflies filled my stomach. Next time! I was already looking forward to it.
AIDEN
After getting dressed, Roxy and I walked back into her grandparent's house, hand in hand. Her hair was a mess, and she was covered in sand. I felt embarrassed as we walked in.
Emily saw us walk in the door, and laughed. Roxy was blushing beside me. “I see you two made up.”
I stayed quiet beside Roxy.
“We did,” she sighed happily. “And umm... I kind of want to make up again. In the shower.”
I stood there, stunned. Emily was laughing, and Roxy pulled me behind her up the stairs into a room, and started kissing me again.
“I can't believe you just said that to your mom!”
She pulled back and rolled her eyes. “Please, like she didn't know it already!”
Roxy pulled me into the bathroom and once again began undressing me. She threw my shirt on the floor, and I threw hers next to mine. I was loving this side of Roxy, the one who couldn't keep her hands off of me.
In less than a minute, all our clothes were in the floor, and we got in the shower. Roxy pulled back from our kiss and tilted her head back.
The shower was one of those awesome showers – the ones that rained down on you, and sprayed you from all the sides. I watched as the water flowed down her body. I wondered if she knew how hot she was, how hot she made me.
