Harmonized

by Mary Behre

  “Is that what you think happened?” Karma could hardly speak around the ball of regret lodged in her throat. She’d always known she’d hurt him when she’d left, but she’d never dreamed he’d have believed she walked away without a backward glance. She had to tell him the truth. Blinking back hot tears she forced out the words, “I didn’t leave you because I wanted to. I sacrificed us to save you.”

  ***

  “What the hell does that mean?” Zig couldn’t sit there another second, and yet he didn’t trust his legs to bear his weight. Her words knocked the strength out of him. “Sacrificed us to save me? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Explain exactly how you did that.”

  Karma’s shining eyes ripped at his guts. She fought the waterworks. Not a single tear slipped out.

  She jutted out her chin and exhaled slowly. “The day before I left, José came to see me.”

  “Yeah, I remember.” Her stepfather stank of a con. Zig hadn’t been in his presence five minutes when he saw the asshole for what he was: a slick grifter with an oily facade. “He brought you flowers and cards from your mother. Said how much they all missed you while he scoped out every piece of electronic equipment in your dorm room.”

  A short burst of air escaped her. “You were a cop, even then. You saw everything. So much more than I did. So did my dad. Not me, though. I mean, I knew José was off, but I really believed he loved my mother.” Her voice shook. She reached for her beer, sipped it, and then cleared her throat. “Anyway, that day in the dorm room, it was clear that you and José didn’t exactly hit it off.”

  “The way I remember it, he demanded to speak with you alone. Said to get rid of the nosy gringo.”

  “And you told him to take his snake-oil salesman’s ass out of my room,” she said with an aggrieved chuckle.

  “And you told me to go to class.”

  “Not that you listened. You followed us through the courtyard. All the way to José’s car. What did you think I was going to do?” The annoyance in her voice caught him off-guard.

  “That day, I was worried for you. The little you had mentioned about José was never good and I could see he was up to something. I didn’t want him to hurt you. José made the back of my neck itch. The dude was bad news. I had no reason to doubt you back then.”

  Her eyes shined with more unshed tears, making him wonder what he’d said to bring on the fresh rush of pain.

  “I wish you would have told me that back then. Instead of talking to me, you stormed up to José and punched him in the face. You broke his nose! Then told me to go back to my dorm room like I was a freaking child!”

  “He had his hands on you. I was protecting my girlfriend!” God! Eight years and the woman still made him want to pull out his hair. “Your dog of a stepfather was trying to force you into his car.”

  “I told you back then it wasn’t what it looked like. I could’ve handled him. Instead of trusting me, you had to jump in. Your caveman tactics put me in a really bad place.”

  What?! “My actions? I’m not the one who was trying to kidnap you. And as I recall, instead of thanking me for saving you, you told me to mind my own business. I believe you demanded that I stop acting like a jealous, possessive jerk or find myself a different girlfriend.”

  “And you told me to stop behaving like a naïve little girl,” she retorted. For an instant, fight lit her eyes then died out.

  “Yeah, I remember that too,” Zig said when she let the silence stretch on a little too long. “You called me all sorts of colorful names. Something about my brain being smaller than a bug’s butt.” He chuckled when she smiled. The humor, like the beautiful light in her eyes, faded all too quickly. “Karma, I expected the silent treatment, like every other time we’d argued. Not for us to end. I didn’t see that coming. I still don’t understand what happened.”

  “You gave him the leverage he needed over me when you broke his nose,” she whispered, closing her eyes. “He told me he’d have you arrested for assault if I didn’t help him. It would have killed your chances to be a cop. I couldn’t risk it.”

  Zig sat back. Her words hit him like a sledgehammer in the solar plexus. “It wasn’t your risk to take, it was mine,” he retorted in frustration at her, at José, at himself. Christ, the last thing he’d wanted back then was to cause her harm. And now she was telling him he’d done exactly that. “Wh-what did he want you to do?”

  “I should have talked to you, right then. But no, I had to handle it my own way.” Karma spoke as if she hadn’t heard his question. “I had to prove to you and myself that I wasn’t stupid or naïve. You wouldn’t have been in danger of arrest, if not for me, so I had to fix it.” Karma blew out a hard breath. “You know what I found out? You were right to be worried. I was naïve and stupid and so freaking gullible.”

  “Hey, hey! Neither of us were very smart back then. I shouldn’t have hit the guy, and I shouldn’t have let you storm off. And you should have told me he was threatening to have me arrested. I could have told you that if it happened, it was my responsibility to deal with, and I would have. Please tell me he didn’t make you do something terrible because of me.”

  “No, not just because of you.” Karma took a pull of her beer. “He used what happened on campus to make me listen to his story. What came next was a result of my own stupidity.”

  Zig exhaled a small sigh of relief that the mistakes of the boy he’d been had not harmed the girl he’d loved. Strange, to think only hours ago, he’d been ready to kick her out of the station when she’d walked in. Now, he was taking her hand in his and bringing it to his lips. She still smelled the same—chamomile and mint, like the tea she favored.

  “I never said you were stupid. You weren’t. Aren’t. Back then, you had this innocent quality about you. And even though you could see the worst of people—quite literally—you believed in mankind as a species. It was one of the things that first attracted me to you.”

  “I thought it was my big boobs,” Karma said on a breathy laugh.

  “Those too. I was a teenaged boy.” He grinned and felt himself fall a little more for her.

  Karma’s gaze drifted from the hand he’d kissed to his lips. Her focus lingered a moment too long, sending Zig’s pulse racing south. Then, as if shucking off unwanted thoughts, she shook her head and pulled free of his touch.

  His hands had never felt so empty.

  Karma glanced away and continued her story. “There was a handwritten letter in the card from my mother. A good-bye note of sorts. She told me that she loved me. Wished me a good life. It sounded so final. When I asked José about it, he explained that my mother had stomach cancer. Without surgery, she would be dead in six months.”

  This time, two tears slipped free of her restraint and tracked down her cheeks. Karma swiped at them but her voice remained steady.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Zig didn’t know why this information came like a knife to his belly. “I would have been there for you.”

  “José said if he had twenty thousand dollars, he could get my mother the surgery she needed.” Karma spoke fast, as if forcing the words out. The struggle on her face made Zig ache for her. “There was a doctor in Juarez ready to help. José told me he had half the money but needed another ten thousand. He asked me to help him help her.

  “He was so smart. He told me that my mother didn’t want to ask me for the money. It would have to be a secret. When I explained I didn’t have that kind of money, he—”

  “Suggested you ask your father?” Zig could connect the conman’s treacherous neon dots.

  “No,” she said with a halfhearted laugh. “He specifically told me not to ask my father. That Daddy wouldn’t want to help my mother. José said he knew this because he’d already gone to my father for help and had been turned away.

  “I couldn’t believe it. My father had never had an unkind word to say about her. Ther
e had to be a mistake. So after José left, and we had our fight, I drove to Daddy’s house.” Karma scrubbed both hands through her hair. “And I found out José had been telling the truth. Daddy had turned down the request for money.

  “I was so angry. What good was it to know I was part of this old-money family if I couldn’t help my own mother? Daddy tried to explain that he didn’t trust José. Said he’d offered to bring my mother to the States, to the best hospital, but José refused.

  “I didn’t know what to think. I showed him my mother’s letter. Begged him to give me the money to get her the help she needed. He turned me down. ¡Madre de Dios! I was furious at him, at you, at José; I think I lost my mind. I actually said to Daddy that no decent man could turn his back on the mother of his child. And if he didn’t help, then it just proved he wasn’t my father after all. Blood or no blood, he was nothing to me but a rich old man, too selfish to think of anyone’s needs but his own.” Her breath hitched. “I was so awful to him. He didn’t say a word after that, just stared at me with hurt swimming in his eyes.

  “I didn’t know where to go. I couldn’t afford a plane ticket. My account had only twelve hundred dollars in it. I couldn’t stay here knowing she was dying. All I could think was that my mother was suffering and needed me. I didn’t think. I just packed up and left for Mexico. It took me seven days to make the drive. I don’t think I even considered what I’d do when I got there. I just knew I had to be with her.”

  Zig shifted his position until he was hip to hip with Karma on the couch. His arm came around her like it had a will of its own. And when she rested her head on his shoulder, for the first time since he’d moved in here, his apartment felt like home.

  “I really did plan to come back.” Her words came out muffled. “I wasn’t sure how or when. Then I found the money in my bank account. Daddy had given me the ten thousand even after everything I’d said. I almost called him. I should have. I just wanted to apologize to him in person. Just like my apology to you needed to be done face-to-face. It seemed so necessary. And one more way I proved I was indeed naïve. I thought I’d be in Mexico for only a few weeks.” Her breath caught on a sob and she fell silent.

  Zig’s other arm wrapped around her, holding her close. He rocked her gently as she struggled for composure. And damn if her story, her pain, wasn’t ripping out his own heart.

  “So there I was in Mexico with the money. I was so relieved, I told José right away. He gave me an account to transfer it to. I’d never been to the hospital in Mexico, so when he said we had to pay the doctor upfront, I believed him. Like a naïve child.”

  Zig wished for the ability to time travel. Then he’d go back to that last day together and kick his younger self’s ass before he had a chance to utter those damnable words. Then he’d kick José’s. Again.

  “Everything seemed fine, except there were a few unexpected delays. Instead of waiting days, the hospital couldn’t take her for almost two weeks. The day of the surgery finally arrived and José told me there was a new problem: the doctor wanted more money. José wanted me to call my father and ask for another twenty grand. I couldn’t do that. I hadn’t spoken to Daddy in weeks. I needed to fix things with him and that wasn’t going to happen if I asked for more money. So when I refused, José told me what happened next was my fault.”

  “What happened?” Zig kept his posture casual and reassuring but inside his muscles coiled like an overtaxed spring. The desire to beat José into the ground was like a living beast inside him.

  “Nothing. No surgery. No chemo. Not even a nurse to check on her. They sent my mother back to her village with José. I camped out at the hospital where the doctor worked for a week until I got someone to talk to me. The doctor told me the cancer was inoperable . . . terminal. When I said I’d already paid for the surgery, I was told to contact billing. The head of the department was on vacation and no one knew anything about the payment. They promised to research and get back to me. My mother was sick and asking for me so I had to go back to her village. I called every week for six months before I finally got the department head on the phone. She was apologetic and very nice but told me there was no record of a payment from José or me. I knew there had to be a mistake. I explained how I’d transferred the money directly to the hospital’s account and that’s when it came out. The bank numbers I had were wrong. They weren’t for the hospital at all. It had all been a lie.

  “José used the money to buy a villa in Cabo. He took my stepbrothers on vacation there, while my mother lay wasting away from the cancer. Oh, he denied the money was mine, of course. And I couldn’t argue, not with my mother weak and dying. She truly believed José loved her. I’d already lost the money that should have been used for her surgery; I couldn’t take away a dying woman’s illusion of happiness.”

  “No, of course you couldn’t.” Although, Zig wasn’t certain he could make the same choice in a similar circumstance. Maybe he would let the victim continue to believe, as he gathered evidence to send the asshole to jail the moment she expelled her last breath. “Why didn’t you call me? Or your father? Or your cousins? Any of us would have come to Mexico to help you.”

  She lifted her head and gave him a weary smile. “After what I’d said? How I’d left? After I’d taken the money and given it to the very man that you both believed—no knew . . . knew—was a grifter. Whether I’d meant to or not, I bilked my father out of thousands of dollars. I couldn’t even report José to the police because I’m the one who transferred the money to his account. I caused my mother to die horribly of an insidious disease that left her lingering in agony for three years longer than they’d said she’d survive. I couldn’t face the McKinnons after all I’d done. Or you. If I could do it over . . .”

  “What?” he asked, when she let the sentence dangle too long.

  “Knowing me, I’d have still rushed down there,” she said after a halfhearted smile. “My younger self wanted to save the world, make my stand, prove I was worth keeping.”

  “Karma, my love, I’d have kept you forever, if you’d have let me.”

  Chapter Nine

  Dios mio, the man always knew how to steal her breath.

  Karma stared into Zig’s soulful eyes and wanted to weep. He’d have forgiven her if she’d have come back sooner. That alone destroyed her restraint. The tears she’d swallowed back for the past hour escaped and flooded down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I know it sounds lame. Way too little and far too late after all this time, but I’m so, so sorry.”

  Zig’s hands framed her face, using his thumbs to brush the wet from her cheeks. He whispered, “Shh . . . Don’t cry, mi amor. I’m sorry you went through all that alone.”

  He’d used the term of endearment she’d taught him. My love. That shredded her heart because she wasn’t his love now. He’d already told her that he wasn’t emotionally invested in her anymore.

  She’d ruined it long ago.

  “Zig—” She tried to speak, but he shook his head.

  “You are not to blame for your mother’s death. You are not to blame for wanting to save her.” He kissed her wet cheeks, but kept talking. “Sure, you should have talked to your father even after the money was stolen. He would have listened. He called me every week for six months after you left asking if I’d heard from you.”

  “He did?” Hope ebbed the tide of pain. “He wanted me to come back?”

  “We all did.” He frowned, admitting, “The last time your father called me was the day he heard from José. Your stepfather told him you’d taken the money and run to Cabo. Your poor mother was dying and her only daughter was getting drunk on the beach.”

  “What? That lying son-of-a-donkey! He’s the one who took the money. Not me.” Karma’s tears dried up in her rage. “And you all believed this?”

  Zig looked sheepish. “I did. But your father didn’t.”

  More hurt than she could have imagined
by his confession, Karma pulled away from him. Off the couch and across the room. She paced. “That’s what you think of me? That I’d lie and steal and let my mother suffer?”

  “No! But the teenaged boy I’d been believed it.” He crossed to her taking her face in his hands. “It was easier to think you’d run away to a better life than to imagine you hurt or dying. No one had heard from you. All we got was a single phone call from that grifter. He put your mother on the phone, made her beg for the money. She told your father you’d run away too.”

  Karma jerked free from his touch. She put another three feet between them. “She never would have done that. I was with her, alone in that house for three years, seven months, and twenty-two days. I hadn’t seen José or his children since he’d packed up six months after I got to Mexico. The day I confronted him about the stolen money. I don’t know who was on that phone, but it wasn’t her.”

  Zig stared at her, his arms folded across his chest. The icepack forgotten on the couch. The tension in the air so thick, she could hardly breathe.

  “All this time, I felt guilty because of the way I left and the money. All I’d ever wanted was your forgiveness. And all this time, you thought me a liar and a thief. You never knew me at all, did you?”

  Now Zig did move, slowly. “I’ve always known you. But I doubted myself when you left. I knew I wasn’t rich like the McKinnons. What were the chances that someone like you could fall for some poor scholarship kid from a working-class family? It was like some chick flick, where the girl kisses the frog and he becomes a prince in her world.

  “I held onto hope every day that you’d come home. Until that fucking phone call. Then I had to face reality. You were gone. No good-bye, no explanation. Did I really believe you were partying it up somewhere? Yeah, for a little while, I did. Can you blame me?