The Gray House

by Mariam Petrosyan

  Nobody likes Gray House. No one would admit it openly, but the inhabitants of the Comb would rather not have it next to them. They would rather it didn’t exist at all.

  They approached the House on a hot August day, at the hour that chases away the shadows. A woman and a boy. The street was deserted; the sun had burned everyone away. The meager trees along the sidewalk failed to protect from its rays, as did the walls of the buildings—the melting white teeth in the blindingly blue sky. The pavement gave way under the feet. The woman’s heels left small dimples in it, and the neat sequence of them followed her like the tracks of a very unusual animal.

  They moved slowly: the boy because he was tired, and the woman because of the weight of the suitcase. They both wore white, both were fair-haired and seemed slightly taller than one would expect: the boy, incongruous with his age, the woman, with her femininity. She was beautiful, used to being the center of attention, but there was no one to gawk at her now, and she was glad of it. The suitcase had put a kink in her step, her white suit was crinkled from the long bus ride, her makeup blotchy from the heat. She countered all that with a proudly held head and a straight back, determined not to show how tired she was.

  The boy was as like her as a smaller specimen of the human race can be like a bigger one. His hair was so fair it sometimes seemed tinged with red, he was lanky and a bit gangling, and the eyes looking out at the world were the same shade of green as his mother’s. He also carried himself in the same upright manner. A white blazer was hugging his shoulders, a peculiar choice in this weather. He was dragging his feet, catching the sneakers against each other, and kept his eyes half-closed so that he could see only the bubbling gray pavement and the marks being left on it by his mother’s shoes. He was thinking that even if he lost sight of her he’d still be able to find her by following the trail of those silly punctures.

  The woman stopped.

  The House loomed over them, bordered by emptiness on both sides, an ugly gray breach in the dazzling rows of the Comb.

  “This must be the place.”

  The woman lowered the suitcase to the ground, took off the sunglasses, and studied the sign on the door.

  “See? We got here in no time at all. No need to take a taxi, right?”

  The boy nodded indifferently. He could have pointed out that it was quite a long walk, but instead he said, “Look, Mom, it must be cold to the touch. The sun can’t touch it. Weird, huh?”

  “Nonsense, dear,” the mother brushed him off. “The sun touches everything within its reach. It’s just darker than the other houses, so it looks cooler. I am going to step inside for a minute, and you just wait for me here. All right?”

  She heaved the suitcase up to the fourth step and leaned it against the railing, then rang the bell and stood still. The boy sat down at the bottom of the stairs and looked away. He turned back around at the sound of the lock but could only catch a glimpse of the white skirt disappearing behind the door. The door clicked shut and he was alone.

  The boy rose from the steps, went and put his cheek against the wall.

  “It is cold,” he said. “It’s not within the sun’s reach.”

  He ran a little distance off and looked at the House from there. Then glanced guiltily back at the stairs, shrugged, and started walking along the wall. He reached the end of it, looked back one more time, and turned the corner.

  Another wall. He ran the length of it and stopped.

  Around the next corner he saw a backyard behind a chain-link fence. It was empty and dull and just as scorching as everything around it. The House itself, however, was completely different from this side. Colorful and cheery, as if it had decided to show another face to the boy, a face that was smiling. That was not for everyone.

  The boy came up against the fence, to look at that face closer and maybe even guess who was painted on the walls. He saw a rickety structure made from cardboard boxes. A playhouse covered with twigs. Its roof was decorated with a flag, now limp in the still air, and the cardboard walls were hung with pretend weapons and small bells. The hut was inhabited. He could hear voices and noises from it. Several bricks surrounded a pile of black ashes near the entrance.

  They are allowed to build fires . . .

  He pressed against the fence, not noticing that it was imprinting a rusty lattice on his shirt and blazer. He did not know who “they” were, but it was obvious that “they” couldn’t be that old. He looked and looked until he himself was noticed through the roughly cut-out window.

  “Who are you?” a slightly hoarse child’s voice inquired, and then a bandana-wrapped head appeared in the hut’s doorframe. “Go away. This is not a place for strangers.”

  “Why not?” the boy asked, intrigued.

  The hut swayed and let out two inhabitants. The third stayed inside by the window. Three faces, brown and painted, were staring at him through the fence.

  “He is not from those,” one said to the other, nodding at the teeth of the high-rises. “He’s not from around here. Look at him, just staring.”

  “We came by bus,” the boy in the blazer explained. “And then we walked.”

  “So just keep walking,” came the advice from beyond the fence.

  He stepped back. He wasn’t offended. These were strange boys. There was something not quite right about them. He wanted to understand what it was.

  They, in their turn, were studying and discussing him openly.

  “He must be from the North Pole,” said the little one with the round head. “Look at that coat. What a moron.”

  “Moron yourself,” the other said. “He’s got no arms, that’s why he’s wearing it. They’re leaving him with us. See?”

  They exchanged glances and started giggling. The one inside the hut laughed so hard that it started swaying.

  The boy in the blazer took some more steps away from them.

  They continued laughing.

  “Staying with us, with us!”

  He turned on his heel and ran, squaring his shoulders awkwardly to prevent the blazer from flying off.

  He rounded the corner and crashed straight into someone who grabbed him.

  “Hey, careful! What’s the matter?”

  The boy shook his head. “Nothing. I’m sorry. I need to be over there. Please let me go.”

  But the man didn’t.

  “Come with me,” he said. “Your mother is in my office. I was already starting to worry about what I would have to tell her if I couldn’t find you.”

  The man belonged to the cool house. He had blue eyes and gray hair and a hooked nose, and he squinted the way people who wear glasses usually do. They went up the steps, and the man from the House picked up the suitcase. The door was ajar. He stepped aside for the boy to come in.

  “Those . . . in the hut. Do they live here?” the boy asked.

  “They do,” the blue-eyed man said eagerly. “Have you met already?”

  The boy did not answer.

  He stepped inside, the House man followed him, and the door clicked shut behind them.

  They lived in a room with shelves and shelves of toys, the boy and the man. The boy slept on the sofa, hugging a stuffed crocodile; the man, on a camp bed he had set up next to it. When he was alone, the boy would go out on the balcony, lie on an air mattress, and look down through the railing at the boys playing. He would sometimes stand up so they could see him too. The boys would raise their heads and smile at him. But they never asked him to join them down there. He was secretly hoping for the invitation, but it never came. Disappointed, he’d lie back again and look down from under the brim of a straw hat, taking in the high voices from below. Sometimes he’d close his eyes and imagine himself dozing off on a beach, lulled by the soft swishing of the surf. The boys’ voices morphed into seagull cries. The sun was turning his legs brown. The idleness bored him.

  In the evenings they would sit on the carpet, the boy and the blue-eyed man whose name was Elk, sit and listen to music and talk. They had a cre
aking record player and records in tattered sleeves, and the boy would study the sleeves like paintings, trying to match the images on them to the music they contained. He was never able to. The summer nights walked in through the open window. They didn’t turn on the lights so as not to attract mosquitoes. Once the boy saw what looked like a rag cross the deep blue velvet of the sky. It turned out to be a bat, a mouse skeleton in a torn cape. After that he would always position himself so he could see the sky from where he was sitting.

  “Why do you call yourself Elk?” the boy asked.

  He was thinking of those elk who roamed the forests, with their horns lacy like oak leaves. And of deer, who were relatives to the elk but had very different horns. He’d thought about that for a long time before mustering enough courage to ask.

  “It’s my nick,” Elk explained. “A nickname. Everyone who lives in the House has a nick, that’s just the way it is here.”

  “I live here too now, do I have one?”

  “Not yet. But you will. When they all come back and you move to one of the dorms, you’ll get a nick.”

  “What will it be?”

  “I don’t know. A good one, I hope. If you’re lucky.”

  The boy thought about possible names for himself but couldn’t come up with anything. It all rested with them, those who were coming back. He wanted them to come back sooner.

  “Why aren’t they inviting me?” the boy asked. “Do they think I can’t play with them? Or is it that they don’t like me?”

  “No,” Elk said. “You’re just new in the House. They need some time to get used to you being here. This always happens at first. Have patience.”

  “How much time?” the boy asked.

  “Looks like you’re really bored,” Elk said.

  The next day, when Elk came, he was not alone. With him was another boy, who never went out into the yard and had never before shown himself.

  “I brought you a friend,” Elk said. “He is going to live here with you, so you are not alone anymore. This is Blind. You two can do whatever you want—play, go crazy, break furniture. Just try not to fight and not to complain to me about each other. The room is all yours.”

  Blind never played with him, because he didn’t know how. He did attend to the boy dutifully: woke him up in the morning, washed his face, combed his hair. Listened to his stories, almost never saying anything back in reply, and shadowed his every step. Not because he wanted to. He assumed that this was what Elk wanted of him. Elk’s wishes were his command. Elk had only to ask, and he would have jumped off the balcony. Or the roof. Or pushed someone else off it. The armless boy was afraid of that. Elk was much more afraid. Blind was already grown up inside. A little grown-up hermit. He had long hair and a frog-like mouth always covered in red sores. He was pale as a ghost and extremely thin. He was nine. Elk was his god.

  Blind’s memory was full of noises, smells, and murmurs. It did not go very deep—Blind remembered nothing of his early childhood. Almost nothing. About the only thing he could fish out was the interminable sitting on the potty. There were many little boys there, and they all sat in a row on identical tin potties. The memory was a sad one and it smelled bad. He calculated later that they were forced to sit like that for no less than half an hour each time. Many of them managed to do their thing early, but they still had to remain sitting, waiting for the others. This was discipline, and they’d been receiving discipline since birth. He also remembered the yard. They walked there, each holding on to the clothes of the one in front but still tripping and falling. At the beginning and the end of this chain walked the grown-ups. If anyone stopped or deviated from the prescribed direction, a loud voice from above would restore order. His world consisted then of two types of voices. One type brought guidance from above. Another was closer and more intelligible; such voices belonged to those like himself. He did not like them either. Sometimes the loud voices disappeared. If they went missing for a long time, he and others like him would start running, jumping, falling, and bloodying their noses, and it would immediately become clear that the yard was much smaller than it seemed when they walked around it in lockstep. It became cramped, and its surface hardened and scraped their knees.

  From a later time he remembered the fights. Frequent fights, for no particular reason. It could start with someone bumping someone else, and that they were doing all the time. They shoved him, he shoved back—not on purpose, it just happened—and then it was that after the first accidental shove came another, enough to knock him off his feet, or a blow that made a part of him hurt. He had decided to strike first, without waiting for the blows. Sometimes the voices from above would get angry at this, and he would be taken to another room. A punishment place. There were no tables, no chairs, no beds, just the walls. Also the ceiling, but he did not know about it then. He was not afraid of the room. Others would cry when they were locked in it. He never cried. He liked being alone. He didn’t care if there were people around him or not. When he was tired he would lie down on the floor and sleep. When he was hungry he would take stashed bread crusts out of his pockets. If they kept him in this room for a long time, he would peel plaster from the walls and eat it. He liked eating it even more than bread, but the grown-ups got angry when they caught him at it, so he only allowed himself to do it when they left him alone.

  He soon realized that they didn’t like him. He was often singled out, punished more frequently than the other children and for things he hadn’t done. He did not understand the reasons for it, but he was not surprised or angered. Nothing ever surprised him. Nothing good could ever come from the grown-ups. He established that the grown-ups were unfair, and he accepted it. When he learned to distinguish between men and women, he recognized that women behaved worse toward him than men, but left that fact without an explanation as well, just acknowledging it in the same way he acknowledged everything that surrounded him.

  Then he realized he was short and weak. That was when the voices of other children started coming to him from a little higher up and their blows started hurting much worse. At about the same time, he found out that some other children could see. He did not understand what that meant. He knew that the grown-ups had some enormous advantage that allowed them to move freely beyond the boundaries of his world, but he always assumed that it had to do with their height and strength. What this “seeing” was, he could not grasp. And even when he did learn how it worked he still could not imagine it. For him “to see” meant only “to have better aim.” The blows from the sighted were more painful.

  Once he figured out that the stronger and the sighted had this advantage, he endeavored to become better at it himself. This was important for him. He did his best, and they started fearing him. Blind quickly understood the reason for this fear. The children were afraid not of his strength, which he did not have anyway, but of the way he carried himself. Of his calmness and unconcerned manner. Of how he was not afraid of anything. When someone hit him, he never cried, he would just get up and leave. When he hit someone, that someone usually cried, scared by his serenity. He discovered where to hit so that it hurt. This scared them too.

  As he grew older, the world seemed to resent him more and more. The resentment manifested itself differently with children than with grown-ups, but eventually it grew into the wall of loneliness that surrounded him on all sides. Until Elk. The man who talked to him alone, not to him as one of many. Blind could not know that Elk had been summoned because of him. He thought that Elk picked him out from the others and loved him more than them. Elk strolled into his life as if it were his own room and upended it, rearranged and filled with himself. With his words, his laughter, his soft hands and warm voice. He brought with him many things that were unknown and unknowable to Blind, because no one cared what Blind knew and didn’t know. Blind’s world was limited to a couple of rooms and the yard. When other children, accompanied by the grown-ups, happily left its confines, he always stayed behind. Into the meager four corners of this world stormed E
lk, filled it to the brim and made it limitless and boundless. And Blind gave his heart and soul, his whole self, to Elk forevermore.

  Some would not understand or accept this, some would not even notice, but not Elk. He understood everything, and when it was time for him to go he knew he had to take Blind with him.

  Blind never expected that. He knew that sooner or later Elk would have to leave, that he’d be left alone again, and that it would be terrifying. But he never imagined it could be otherwise. Then the miracle happened.

  His memory preserved that day in the smallest detail, with all its smells and sounds and the warmth of the sun’s rays on his face. They were walking, Blind holding Elk’s hand, gripping it with all his strength, his heart fluttering like a wounded bird. They walked and walked. The sun shined, the pebbles crunched underfoot, the trucks rumbled in the distance. Never before had he walked this far. Then they climbed into a car and he had to let go of Elk’s hand, so he grabbed the side of his jacket instead.

  This was how they came to the House. There were a lot of children here too, and all of them were sighted. Now he knew what that really meant—that all of them had something he couldn’t have. But this no longer worried him. The only important thing was the presence of Elk, the man whom he loved and who loved him.

  And then it turned out that the House was alive, that it too could love. Its love was unlike anything else. It was a little scary at times, but never terrifying. Elk was god, so it followed that the place where he lived could not be a common place. It also could not cause any real harm. Elk never showed that he knew the true nature of the House; he would feign ignorance, and Blind guessed that it was a great secret that never should be spoken about. Not even with Elk himself. So he loved the House silently, loved it like no one had ever loved it before. He liked the scent of it, he liked that there was plenty of wet plaster for him to peel off the walls and eat, he liked the large yard and the captivatingly long hallways. He liked how long the traces of those who passed by hung in the air, he liked the crevices in the walls of the House, all its nooks and abandoned rooms, all its ghosts and open roads. He could do anything he wanted here. His every step had always been controlled by the grown-ups. The new place lacked that, and he was even a little uncomfortable at first, but he got used to it surprisingly quickly.