The Ultimate Stonemage: A Modest Autobiography

by McKenzie, Duncan

  I could see my ship anchored off the coast. I shouted for help, and waved furiously. As luck would have it, one of the myrmidons had his eye on the dock, and he hurled his spear at my pursuers. The huge weapon clattered to the ground at their feet. It did them no harm, but they were startled for a few seconds and looked around to see where the thrower was standing. By the time they had gathered their wits again, I had climbed down the ladder, cut the mooring rope, pushed off and was rowing back towards my ship, while my myrmidons covered my escape by throwing more spears.

  Now, consider the tally of my visit to the town of Iacho. I had been forced to leave one man insensible, one injured, and two dead. And for what? The well intentioned kicking of a dog! As you may well suppose, we quickly departed that dangerous and capricious land, and continued our voyage west.

  We were now very close to the Western Extremity of the world. I was, naturally, excited at the prospect of reaching this unusual location and of seeing what it would be like to be instantaneously transported to a point thousands of miles away, so I stayed awake during the next night so I might enjoy the magical moment of transference.

  The event occurred in the early hours of the morning. I was sitting upon the deck in a chair looking out at the stars, and almost on the verge of sleeping despite my best efforts to stay awake. Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation. I cannot quite describe it—it was a little as if someone had suddenly spun me around, although it was far more subtle. At once, I was jolted into wakefulness, and I said, “What? What was that?”

  A slave was standing nearby, and he said, “I saw nothing, sire.”

  I said, “Did you feel a strange sensation just now?”

  He said, “No, sire.”

  I knew I had felt the instantaneous motion of the ship to the Eastern Extremity, a motion too sublime to make itself known to a slave, but one which my heightened sensitivities were capable of detecting.

  I shouted then, saying, “Haha! We have left the Pacific Ocean behind us. We are in the Great Eastern Sea now, and beyond the horizon lies Dranseet and Cyprus.”

  Then I woke Bitian Teppel, and, even though we had only slaves and myrmidons for company, we made a fine celebration. Bitian Teppel instructed all the slaves in the art of dancing and making merry, and I brought out a cask of sweet wine which Bitian and I drank with the utmost pleasure.

  After another six weeks, we sighted the coast of Dranseet. Navigation became easy then, for we had only to follow the coastline until we reached the great towers at the entrance to the Asta. This leg of the journey took two months, and I used the time to write a book about the coastline of the east. I wrote down all I knew about the regions we passed, while Bitian Teppel made sketches of the lands we sailed past. Later I had the book printed. It is called The Various Lands of the East as Viewed from the Sea, and it is not only fascinating to read, but also contains some very pretty pictures. I urge you to find a copy and buy it, no matter what it may cost, for it is a book every refined and knowledgeable person should own.

  We sailed through the Asta and up the Red Sea, where we passed a great many Indian warships, all painted in black, and travelling in the opposite direction.

  I thought to myself, “How strange that so many warships should be gathered together here.”

  Still, I thought nothing more of it, and as I passed the ships I waved to them.

  They waved back to me, then, seeing the myrmidons upon the deck of my ship, they shouted, “Where are you headed with those myrmidons?”

  I said, “Cyprus.”

  When they heard this, the officers upon the ships gave a great cheer, and they waved their cloaks in salute of me as I sailed away.

  I was puzzled by this, but dismissed it as the friendly ways of the Indian officers.

  A day or two later, we passed a group of islands. I spotted a group of people standing upon the beach, shouting and jumping and waving their arms. It seemed as if they needed help, so I sent out a slave with the rowing boat to see what they wanted. He talked with them for a while, then they climbed into the boat and returned with him.

  We took them aboard—there was a woman and five men, and they were in a piteous state, all covered with wounds, their clothes in tatters, and so thin they appeared as skeletons. One of the men had a terrible gash which went from his neck down to his waist. I gave him to the care of one of my slaves, who knew a little about herbs and such, but the wound had already become rank, and the man did not live to the next day.

  As for the others, though, they improved rapidly once they were fed. They told me they were from Minyad and had been sailing to Relina on a little two-masted plait when they were attacked by Indian ships. Their ship was boarded by myrmidons, then sunk, and, of sixty passengers, they were the only survivors, having been carried by the waves to the islands.

  I said, “Why should Indian ships wish to attack you? Did they take you for pirates?”

  Then one of them, a physician called Ciren, said, “No, it was because of the war.”

  “What war is this?” I asked.

  He said, “Don’t tell me you do not know of the war. Did you not say you were from Cyprus?”

  I said, “Indeed I am, but I have been in America for many years and am only now returning.”

  He said, “Well then, you have picked a fine time to return, for our great land has been at bloody war with India these past two years.”

  I said, “Surely not. I passed some Indian ships just a few days ago, and they greeted me very civilly.”

  He said, “How is that? And they did not try to sink you?”

  I said, “No. In fact, they saluted me.” Then I told him precisely what had happened when I had met the ships.

  Ciren nodded then and said, “Surely God smiles upon you and keeps your soul safely cupped within His hand. My friend, those ships, and others like them, have been sinking every Cypriot vessel they find. But you, it seems, were saved by your innocence, for I am sure when the Indian ships saw you coming on so fearlessly, they took you for one of their own, bravely carrying myrmidons into the war.”

  I realized at once that this man was speaking truly, and I fell to my knees and gave thanks to God for his protection.

  Then I said, “I have heard King Bellay is dead. Tell me, then, who rules our great land of Cyprus now?”

  Ciren said, “It is Queen Sarla. She is just a young stick of a girl, but she is furious and warlike, and has already proved herself a mighty leader of armies.”

  I said, “Sarla? I do not know that name. Who is she, a daughter of Bellay?”

  He laughed then, and said, “By no means.” Then he leaned in and said, “Her true name is not Sarla, but Loryne, and she was nothing more than a common hunter before she became queen.”

  I said, “Surely not! How could a common hunter achieve such a station?”

  He said, “Hear and I will tell you. Bellay took it into his head to marry this woman, his previous wife having died, and she was brought to his palace, with Bellay spreading it about that she was a noble from a far land. However, there were some in the palace who recognized the girl, and the king paid them handsomely to keep quiet about the matter. Later on, she did marry him, but within a month the old king was dead. Now, the word as you will hear it through the common talk is that he died on the battlefield, having killed a hundred enemy nobles. I will tell you different, though: he died in his bed, from poison. Moreover, it was poison delivered by Sarla’s hand, for she hated Bellay, and married him only so she could kill him.”

  I said, “How do you know this?”

  He said, “I have a good friend whose son is an officer in the castle. If you talk to those fellows, you will soon learn the truth, for there is nothing that escapes their attention. They saw all the evil Bellay did, and the hatred they bore towards him was so great that they did not punish Sarla for his murder, but instead made her their queen.”


  “And a good thing too,” I said, “for Bellay richly deserved to die, and anyone who kills a such a king deserves a fine reward.”

  Ciren said I was absolutely right, and Bellay had earned his murder many times over.

  On talking with my guests further I learned more about the war, and all the terrible things the Indian myrmidons had done, and all the great eastern cities of the Cypriot Empire which the Indians had captured. Of course, I do not need to go into further detail here, because I am sure everyone reading these words will be well aware of the wicked deeds of the Indians. When I heard what had been going on, I prayed to God a second time, and I swore to Him I would attack the next group of Indian ships I came upon, no matter what the danger might be to me.

  As it happened, though, I met no more Indian ships on the voyage, and a few days later we had sailed through the Diplenian Canal and into the familiar waters of the Mediterranean. When we reached Cyprus, I let my passengers off at Relina, their intended destination, then sailed on up the Horn.

  An Eleventh Section Of The Eleventh Part

  In Which I Describe My Glorious And Triumphant Return To My Homeland

  It was nearly dawn when we arrived at the port of Rowel, my birthplace and the town where most of my family still lived.

  Now, I had not visited my homeland for close to twenty-five years, and I decided I would attire myself in a manner befitting a returning hero. Therefore, I donned a very fat and splendid armoured robe, of gold and red and black, which I had bought upon my travels when I was in the emperor’s service.

  (To be more precise, I did not buy the robe, but rather won it in a wager with a certain high-ranking person, but this achievement, and the devious method I used to accomplish it, is of no importance here.)

  In my hand, I carried my old archbishop’s staff, which I had been delighted to find in my ship’s hold during the voyage, and upon my head I wore a magnificent stuffed eagle, such as American generals wear, with its great black wings folded around to form the crown of the hat, and gold inlayed upon its beak.

  I left my ship in the hands of Bitian Teppel and the myrmidons and walked quickly through the streets, which were deserted because of the early hour. I made my way directly to my parents’ house then knocked upon the door.

  You would think, given my long absence and my magnificent garb, my arrival at the door would be cause for the greatest astonishment and delight. Yet, when the door was opened to me, and my father looked out, he merely paused a moment, then said “Oh, it is you, Yreth. Come in then. I was going to make some honeyed milk. You may as well share the meal.” Whereupon I entered the house and ate breakfast with my aged father and my brother Hendell, who also lived there, together with his lovely young wife, Yeppa, and their two children. It was all so very comfortable I felt as if I had been away for a few hours instead of a quarter-century.

  After the meal was finished, we sat over the oven and talked, while warming our hands and feet, I asked where my mother was. My father said she had died of the sneezing fever a few years earlier, along with my brother Putren, but I should not be saddened, for no others from our family were stricken, (save for my cousin Oelo, whom I had never cared for) and further, four of my brothers and all seven of my sisters had married, and I now had more than forty nieces and nephews! To be sure, the loss of two is trivial compared to the gain of forty, and, in the main, I was very gratified.

  “But tell me,” I said, “what has become of my brother Urlem, who is my favourite?”

  “He is unmarried,” said Hendell, “and in that regard he is a great disappointment to us all. Yet he has achieved much in another field, for he is the senior commander to the Earl of Seopa, by whom he is exceedingly well regarded, and he has more than sixty myrmidons under his command.”

  Then my father said, “And what of you, my son? Has the world treated you well?”

  “That it has,” I said. “I have a good ship of my own, and some fine myrmidons, and so much wealth it would fill a deep pit or spill over a shallow one.”

  At this he was wonderstruck, and then doubtful, saying he thought my words a jest, but I told him of my many travels, and the great and powerful people I had met, and the many good things that had come to me.

  “Ho,” said Hendell, when I was done, “this is well timed indeed, for I have many debts and could use a few arrans.”

  “You shall have a few hundred arrans,” I said, “for you have always been one to accumulate debts. And you shall also have such jewels as take your fancy. But not today, for I fear bringing you into such sudden wealth would cause talk, and I do not wish people to know I am rich until I have placed my gold in a safe place.”

  And Hendell nodded, for he saw how wise I was in protecting the people of these parts from the temptation of stealing, and thereby keeping Rowel a good and honest place.

  Still, I could not resist the temptation of showing my gold to my father and my brother, and I invited them to come with me to my ship, where they might view my wealth away from prying eyes.

  So the three of us went to the docks. It was now afternoon and we had been talking for many hours. A great multitude were standing around by the water, looking at the magnificent new ship at their docks and speculating as to who might own it.

  As I walked towards the ships with my father, many people turned to look at my splendid dress. Then an old man, who had been a shopkeeper when I was young, cried out, “I know that face—it is Valuable Yreth! I never thought you would attain such worth!”

  Hendell had warned me about this nickname: I was valuable not for my skills or virtues, but for the bounty of six hundred arrans King Bellay had put on my head.

  I should have told them all on the spot that Bellay was dead and the bounty was lifted, but I felt so slighted I instead said: “So you think I am valuable because of a bounty of six hundred arrans? Why, my wealth is far beyond your puny imaginings! I could pay my own bounty a hundred times over if I chose.”

  Those who heard my words gasped, thinking, “Oh, how wrong we were about Yreth, and how ignorant of us to mock him when he was young! What a noble figure he has become, and how handsome.”

  Others, however, tried to seize me, and one of them said, “You may keep your great wealth, but we will keep you, and the six hundred arrans you will earn us.”

  Here, I drew my throwing-razor, and my brother drew his knife, and we set upon the treacherous hounds, so, for their trouble, they received not gold in their hands, but steel in their throats.

  There were others of my friends and relatives in the crowd, and when they realized who I was and what was happening, they too joined the fight, which quickly grew in size, for friends and relatives of our assailants also came for a cut or two.

  I fought like a hero. I killed three—wicked men all—and sliced open the arm of another. I did not even think to summon the myrmidons on my ship, for I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment that I felt as if I was in my youth once more, getting up to mischief in the streets, and my speed and fury in combat astonished all those who saw it.

  When the fight was over, I climbed upon the deck of my ship and addressed the crowd.

  I said, “I have been in foreign lands for many years, and in those places I achieved high rank and earned great wealth. In my heart, though, I knew there was only one land where I wanted to be, and that is my homeland, Cyprus. And in all of Cyprus, there is no part sweeter to me than the town of Rowel.”

  Then Bitian Teppel, who had been listening to my words from the cabin of the ship, stepped out onto the deck beside me. He said, “This man Yreth is the greatest hero the world has ever known. You should be proud to live in the town of his birth, for, by his fearless deeds, he has made the town famous in every land.”

  These words won them over, one and all, and they cheered me very soundly for making the town so famous, and they said I was a very honest fellow for returning to t
heir midst, what with all the big cities and other grand places I might have gone to.

  Then I had my slaves bring one of the boxes up from the hold, which contained dried carrots from America. These carrots were handed freely among the crowd, and everyone was most grateful at receiving such a fine gift.

  A Twelfth Section Of The Eleventh Part

  In Which I Tell Of How I Fought The Indians At Sea

  I stayed at Rowel for a good many weeks, and I spent the time well, being reunited with all my friends and relatives, and wandering all around the area, taking in the sights I had missed for so long.

  One afternoon, I was out walking. Bitian Teppel was with me, and so were three lovely girls, who were distant relatives of mine and had been entranced by my striking appearance and fine manners. We walked up into the hills and followed a steep path to a little group of caves. The caves looked down upon the town and the sea beyond.

  I said to Bitian Teppel, “When I was a child, I would hide up here and play at robbers. The other children would try to attack me here, but I would always beat them back and push them down the slope, for it is very steep around here.”

  He said, “Perhaps you should place your gold here. It would surely be an easy place for the myrmidons to defend.”

  I instantly saw he was right, for in such a place as this, twelve myrmidons might defend against a hundred. That very evening I moved all my treasure from the ship up into the caves. The people of Rowel were astonished as they watched the myrmidons carrying all that treasure through the town, for they had not imagined how much gold I possessed.

  I had the myrmidons place the gold in a tall pile near the mouth of the cave, so everyone in the town might see it shining up there and take pleasure in its beauty. Then I placed the myrmidons around the mouth of the cave with their spears, as a dire warning to anyone who might think of stealing from my hoard.