Fearless Dreamer

by Linda Marr

  “From what Jeff said, it seems like hardly any of the donors wake up. Why did I?” I tried to keep the tremor out of my voice, but I couldn’t. I was glad I was alive, and not trapped in a dream that wasn’t real. And yet I still missed the life I’d dreamed. Why was I singled out? Why did I have to leave the people I loved? I wondered if Kavan, even when he was just a boy, felt the same way.

  Blair hesitated. She was barely older than me, and yet she seemed years wiser. Maybe that was what happened when you didn’t grow up living in a fantasy. “You didn’t have to wake up, Elle, you wanted to.”

  Wanted to? Throw my life away? “I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to leave my family. I didn’t want to go through all… all this!” I was practically shouting.

  “Sometimes the choices we make are because of who we are inside,” Blair touched her heart. “And that’s not anything we can control.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The problem with creating universal donors,” Blair went on, “is they’re still people. They’re born with their own personalities. And while the centers can manipulate a lot of what the donors think and feel, every so often they create a donor who has such strength inside… such spirit and will that… the centers can’t control them. These donors want to live, Elle, really live. And so they try to wake up.”

  “And I’m one of them,” I said flatly.

  “Yes,” Blair nodded, “you and Charles and Kavan. You all had that strength.”

  There didn’t seem to be anything to say. I woke myself up. I was the reason I was here. I had no one to blame or thank but myself.

  “I know this is hard. You weren’t ready to see the monitoring room yet.”

  “Well who would be?” I muttered.

  Blair said “We all see it eventually. And it’s always a shock. Even if you’re like me and you’re not a donor. But Jeff didn’t have the chance to explain things to you, he’s been so busy.”

  “I wish he was busier trying to wake people up.” I was surprised at the bitterness in my own voice.

  “I know you’re upset. But try to get some sleep.”

  Sleep? I never wanted to sleep again. I’d been sleeping most of my life.

  As Blair left me, I thought back to all the times I’d awakened, briefly, in the donor center even when I was younger. My nightmares. And then, returning to my donor life, with my mom holding me and softly singing.

  “Beautiful dreamer wake unto me…”

  A lump rose in my throat. Is that how it went? Only my mom changed the lyrics and called me fearless. Yet here I was, not really fearless at all, knowing only one thing - I was going to cry.

  CHAPTER TEN

  All night long, I tossed and turned. Why didn’t my family try to wake up? What if they had and the farmhouse monitors missed them?

  Surely, my family’s lives were not quite as perfect as all that. Troy was bullied at school. My mom had to raise me alone before she met my stepfather. He was the only father I’d ever known. I was a baby when my father died in a car accident.

  Now it hit me. My real father – did he die in one of those planned accidents? Or did he escape? If he had, how would I even find out? Jeff was too young to have rescued him. And from what I understood this wasn’t the only rescue group operating.

  When the grey light of dawn spread through the curtains, I forced myself to get up, have breakfast, and do my chores. I wanted to see Kavan. But he didn’t show up until after lunch.

  He came into the kitchen while I was chopping carrots, and touched my shoulder. “You doing okay? I heard you broke into the monitoring room.”

  “I didn’t break in,” I said stiffly, and even though his hand felt good on me, I shrugged it off.

  “Hey. I was just teasing you. So answer my question. How are you after seeing all that?”

  “I’m ok,” I said.

  He arched an eyebrow, skeptically.

  Finally I turned to him. “It’s horrible, seeing all those people,” I admitted softly. “Seeing where I came from. I looked, but I couldn’t find my family.”

  “It’s hard to see clearly on the monitors. But they usually house the people that share the same genetic material in one place.”

  “You mean families are kept together.”

  “If you want to call them that.”

  I did. Maybe he didn’t care about his family but I cared about mine. “Jeff said the center I came from is in the city. That’s not far from here.”

  “I wouldn’t know about that.”

  “Is there any way to find mine?”

  He shook his head. “I know what you’re thinking. But the only thing I know about the one you were rescued from is that there’s a stone eagle over the door. Charles said it was really ugly.”

  I bit my lip. Maybe that was enough and I could find the place somehow. I didn’t say anything, but once again Kavan seemed to know exactly what I was thinking.

  “Even if you could find it, Elle, that’d be stupid. And dangerous, to you and to your ‘family.’”

  He knew me so well, and that was even more infuriating. “It’s not stupid, wanting to save them.”

  “It is. But go ahead, if you want to kill yourself and them.”

  ***

  When Kavan left me alone again, it took me awhile to calm down. But I realized he might be right. And if I killed my own family, even trying to save them, I couldn’t live with myself. All the same, there had to be some kind of solution. I couldn’t know what I knew now and not do anything.

  Maybe I had to give myself a little bit of time. The same way it had taken time for me to learn to walk again, it might just be a matter of time until I could figure out how to get my family back.

  I tried my best to put it out of my mind. At dinner, Charles and Blair were joking and laughing, they seemed like they were lost in a world of their own, but maybe it was just me, in my own world. Once again, Kavan was nowhere to be seen. If he’d been there, I would’ve let him leave his hand on my shoulder this time. I felt very much alone.

  After dinner Charles got to his feet. He clanged a spoon against a glass.

  “Now that I have your attention,” Charles began. But then he couldn’t go on. He was smiling broadly, lifting Blair from her seat next to his.

  He didn’t need to say anything more. Blair who was all smiles herself, raised her hand into the air, and showed it to everyone in the room. A buzz spread around me as others noticed what I did. She was wearing an engagement ring.

  I was really happy for them. And at the same time, I wondered if I would ever have someone in my life.

  Blair took a rose from a vase in the center of the table. She tucked it in Charles’ jacket pocket. I recognized it – a Sunrise Dream. Pink, it’s edges blazing gold, it was unique, the pride of the farm.

  “Here’s to a fresh start for all our hopes and dreams,” Charles said. Blair seemed to melt into his arms in an embrace.

  I applauded with everyone else, joined in the whistles, hoots, and congratulations, even though I found it hard to feel real joy.

  “We’re celebrating more than our engagement tonight,” Blair said, when the room quieted again. Now she was looking right at me for some reason.

  She reached under the table and pulled out a large box wrapped in pastel flowered paper, another single Sunrise Dream rose attached to the top in place of a bow.

  “It’s from Charles and me,” Blair announced. “Happy birthday, Elle.”

  My birthday? “It was months ago.”

  “We know we’re a little late. But we love you and we always celebrate the first sixth months someone has been with us in the real world. It makes today even more special.”

  “Thanks,” I said. I got up from my seat, and took the box from her. I felt everyone’s eyes on me now, even Jeff’s. I wondered what he was thinking, knowing what I’d seen. I tried to smile.

  I ripped open the box. Inside - a soccer ball.

  “You used to play, right?” Cha
rles grinned.

  I nodded.

  “So maybe we’ll kick it around later?” Charles offered.

  Now my smile came easier. “Absolutely,” I said.

  After the dinner dishes were cleared, Charles and I did play, in the yard in front of the greenhouses, with Blair watching us kick the ball around.

  I wasn’t nearly as good as in my donor life. If there was a soccer league here, I wouldn’t have made the team. I didn’t have all my old skills but apparently I had the ability to learn them. The longer we played, the better I got.

  There was something about the familiar feel of running with the ball, the smell of the grass as I plunged for a pass, and the feel of the breeze against my neck - it was almost the perfect mix of old and new.

  As we played, a cloud of smoke drifted over the windmills. Another bomb, I thought. I’d gotten used to them.

  But it was no wonder that donors, who didn’t know they were donors, liked their seemingly perfect simulated lives. There was no war, no bombs. I shook the thought away. I had to stop thinking about the donors, until I came up with a plan to help them. And yet here I was again.

  As the sun began to set, I was surprised to hear the dinner gong chime once more.

  Charles scooped the ball up and tossed it to me. “Someone’s still got to get their birthday cake,” he said.

  I was like a little kid again when I saw the enormous chocolate cake waiting in the dining room. I blew out the candles, and the wish I made was for my family, that I could help them live real lives like this.

  When I sat down with a slice, Kavan slipped into the chair next to me.

  “I didn’t want to miss this,” he handed me a small package wrapped in brown paper.

  I was surprised. “Thank you,” I said as I ripped the paper open - it was a deck of playing cards, some poker chips and a pair of dice.

  “I’ve been researching this game called craps,” he took the dice from my hands and tossed them on the table. He rolled two ones.

  “I’ve been practicing. Look how good I’m getting.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had instantly lost.

  “Let’s go have a game,” he smiled.

  And seeing that sweet smile, all my plans about talking to him about my family, about being a donor vanished. All I wanted was to be with him, to keep seeing that smile. For a moment it was as if we were the only two people in the room. Maybe this was how Charles and Blair felt. The idea surprised me.

  We were half way down the hall to Kavan’s room, when Jeff called after us.

  “Elle!”

  I stopped cold. What did he want? Why now? Did I have to be reminded of who I really was every minute? Couldn’t I for once enjoy just being a sixteen year old girl? I hadn’t talked to Jeff since he’d caught me in the monitor room. I steeled myself and turned. He was smiling as he walked toward me.

  “Come get me when you’re done,” Kavan said, and he left me alone with Jeff. I wished he’d stayed.

  “I wanted to say happy birthday, again, Elle,” Jeff said warmly.

  It wasn’t what I’d expected to hear at all.

  “I’ve seen a lot of rescues come through here. You’re stronger than you think. Even if we’ve had a few rough spots recently, I want you to know, I’m proud of how you’ve handled them.”

  “Thank you,” I still felt off center. And I felt like I owed him an apology. “I’m sorry about – you know.” That was the best I could manage.

  “It happened, it’s over. C’mon. I want you to have something from me for your birthday. It’s out front.”

  The front porch light was on, and crickets were humming in the blue twilight. In the driveway was an old motor bike. I turned to Jeff.

  He was still smiling. “I remembered what you told that detective when he was here. I hope you really did want a bike, Elle.”

  I nodded. I bent over and inspected it.

  “I know that donors usually get their licenses the day they turn sixteen. So you must be ready to ride.”

  “It’s… great…” I wanted to say more, but I didn’t trust myself to speak. Jeff was the leader of the rescue group, and when I’d expected him to reprimand me, instead he gave me a gift. Something I really wanted. It choked me up.

  I took another look at the bike. I wanted to get on it and ride. But then considering how I was at soccer in this life, I wondered how well I could handle a motor bike.

  “It’s almost dark now, why don’t you try it out in the morning,” Jeff suggested. He probably knew that I wouldn’t be as skilled a rider as I might have been at home.

  As soon as Jeff went back inside, I moved the bike to the side of the house and headed to Kavan’s room.

  “What took you so long?” he asked.

  “Jeff gave me a bike,” I couldn’t keep the excitement out of my voice.

  “Well I guess you’ll be our wheels then, when I win tonight and we finally have our date.”

  “You don’t have to win a date. We could just – you know – go out.”

  I’d thought about going out with him ever since I’d seen him in my donor life. So why not now? This was a new world, a new me. One who got motor bikes and chocolate cake, and – still had a family imprisoned in watery, living tombs. That thought made me stop smiling.

  “Yeah, we could,” he said easily, and he took my hand. “Hey, what’s wrong? You came in here all sunshine and now - ”

  “I was thinking about my family.”

  “You have to let that go,” he said. He squeezed my hand and then dropped it. He picked up the cards and started shuffling.

  “I don’t think I can.” I didn’t know how things had changed so fast, but suddenly our date was the farthest thing from my mind. I drew a deep breath. “You said I’m a dream walker, right?”

  “So?” his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

  “So, I’d like to dream walk with you. Maybe that could be our date,” I said. I tried to make it sound like I was joking, but I wasn’t, not really. Not the part about dream walking together. I knew I needed Kavan’s help.

  He shook his head. “I know exactly where you want to go, too. And we’re not doing that. Let’s just play cards.”

  “Kavan. I need you to take me to see my parents.”

  He kept shuffling the cards. Finally he said - “I can’t do that.”

  “Sure you can.”

  “No.”

  To my surprise, he stopped shuffling and looked up at me almost tenderly. But I couldn’t let this go.

  “You already said all I need is guidance. Come on, Kavan, help me. I can do it.”

  “Elle… when you’re ready I’ll take you dream walking but not now -”

  “Then, when?”

  “- and not to see your parents. You don’t understand,” he seemed to be searching for the right words. “You think you want to see them. But you don’t really. It hurts too much.”

  “It can’t hurt any more than not getting to at least say goodbye,” I insisted. “You said they were okay. What do they think? That I’ve had another accident, that…” I had a hard time saying these next words out loud, “I’m-I’m dead, right?”

  Kavan stared. “Yeah. That’s what they think.”

  “I won’t disturb them, then. But I still want to see them one more time, to say goodbye in my mind, you know?”

  “It won’t help,” Kavan said.

  And now he took my hand again. “Trust me on this. I’ve done it myself, Elle. No good comes of it.”

  “I need to say goodbye.”

  I could see Kavan waiver.

  “Did you go say goodbye to your parents?”

  Kavan couldn’t meet my eyes. “That was different.”

  “How?”

  He didn’t answer right away. “Because I never really liked them much anyway.”

  “Your parents? But… we’re supposed to have such perfect lives.”

  “Didn’t I tell you there’s always glitches,” he said softly.


  I was so angry when Kavan called my brother a glitch. But I realized now he didn’t mean anything by it. I wondered if he felt like he was a glitch himself.

  “I guess nothing’s ever really perfect,” I said.

  “But it doesn’t have to be perfect, to be good. Right?”

  When I’d seen him in my donor life, I used to daydream that he could be the perfect guy for me. And now, blue hair and all, even with the way he made me so angry, maybe he still could be. And he was right, perfect didn’t matter so much.

  I nodded, and now I was smiling back.

  “So we can drop the stuff about visiting your family?”

  I knew what he wanted me to say, but I couldn’t. “Just once, Kavan. Help me. Please?”

  “You don’t give up, do you?” He hadn’t stopped smiling but I knew the answer was still no.

  “Then I’ll keep practicing on my own until I can get there myself,” I told him. “But wouldn’t you rather be with me, make sure I don’t do anything stupid?”

  He seemed to think that over. “I’d rather you didn’t do it all, obviously.” And then finally, to my surprise he said abruptly “All right. I guess when you put it that way. You can consider it another birthday present.”

  “Thank you,” I said. I was so grateful. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Feeling his rough cheek against my lips made me shiver. But this wasn’t really a first kiss, I told myself, even though it felt like one.

  “When do we start?” I asked, trying to recover myself.

  “Not tonight,” he said, as if he recognized the moment himself. “I have too much dream walking to do on my own.”

  I felt disappointed. “Tomorrow then?”

  He looked steadily into my eyes. “Tomorrow.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  I dream walked myself that night, and I wondered if I’d run into Kavan. But I didn’t, even though I bounced between Mattie and his family, and practically everybody else on his sister’s soccer team.

  When I woke, my mind was a jumble of thoughts. How I would get through the day until I could see my parents again. How I felt about Kavan, the way his cheek was warm when I kissed him, the salty sweet taste of his skin. The way his hand felt holding mine. How I would feel when I saw my parents, when I told them what was real.