by Linda Marr
The other men from the farm went after him.
Hector pointed his gun at Jeff’s throat. Charles lunged. And I did too. For the gun Gideon had dropped. I reached it first, pulled the safety back, and fired.
Hector’s head snapped back and he fell to the ground. More screams from the crowd.
An alarm sounded from the donor center. Jeff grabbed my arm. “We have to go.”
I caught a glimpse of Hector’s body bleeding on the street. Good riddance, I thought.
Charles picked up both backpacks, and we ran through the surging crowd, Charles handing off the backpacks to another man from the farm. I could see the soldiers coming, advancing toward us. We tore around corners, and at last through a doorway to a crumbling parking garage.
We stopped for a moment to catch our breath. My arm ached and throbbed like I’d tossed a boulder, because of the backfire from the gun. Now it sank in. I’d killed a man.
The parking garage was dim and hot.
“We still need to hurry,” Jeff said. “We need to get you back to the farmhouse.”
The farmhouse. Safety, friends, Kavan. It didn’t really occur to me that they would let me go back. So now the tears spilled down my cheeks. “Thank you,” I said simply.
“You don’t have to thank us. You just saved my life. But we do have to get you out of here. We put a stop to the bombing, but Hector’s men are out there, looking for us. Looking for you.”
We reached the car, the same one that Charles used to rescue me, so long ago it seemed to me now.
This time there was no need for the secret compartment, but as I slid in the back seat I imagined I could feel it, hollow beneath my legs. How many donors had been concealed there, terrified, not realizing that their lives were only an illusion, and that their real life was about to begin.
Charles drove. From the passenger seat, Jeff turned to me “You doing okay back there?”
I nodded, that was all I could manage. My thoughts were swirling as we fought our way through the city traffic.
I killed Hector, but the center was safe.
My thoughts spun to Jax. Would he be in danger now because of me? I wished he was here. But I knew that a part of this life was not being able to tie everything up neatly, not even being able to keep everyone I cared about safe. I pushed the next thought that came – of my parents, and my brother – out of my mind. There was nothing more I could do to help them right now.
Once we left the city behind we made good time, sailing through the dirty suburbs, past the boarded up houses. We swung over to the coast, and I was finally close enough that I could’ve run across the dirty sand to the ocean. The sea still looked blue, despite the debris around it. It wasn’t like I’d imagined it. But then nothing was the way it seemed in my old life. Not even me.
We kept driving until we reached the open green country fields. Kavan, I thought. I’d see him again, for real, not just in our dreams. I needed to see him. I wanted to tell him that I’d shot a man. I wanted him to look at me and tell me it was going to be all right.
I was so lost in my thoughts it took me a moment to realize Jeff was speaking to me. “I need to talk with you about Troy,” he said.
I sat up, fully alert now. “What about him? Has he been rescued?”
“I wish I could tell you that. But he still won’t fully wake up.”
“But Troy wants to wake up, right? Kavan told me. That’s why the center is planning on killing him.”
“Wanting and doing are two different things,” Jeff’s tone was careful. “Look how long it took for you to fully wake. Your ‘dreams’ of the real world began when you were quite young.”
I felt more desperate by the minute. “But Troy doesn’t have that long!”
“No, he doesn’t,” Jeff admitted.
“Then why can’t you just go in and get him?” After all that had happened, that was still what was so wrong here. I was reminded now of why I’d left the farmhouse, how frustrating it was that no one acted quickly enough.
“I’m not sure you understand,” Jeff said. “No rescue group will grab a sleeping donor, no matter what you heard.”
“I know, you told me that.”
“Yes, but I want you to clearly understand why. They fall into a comatose state, Elle. They don’t accept what they can’t realize for themselves.”
I really hadn’t understood. But suddenly I did.
No one could save them. Donors had to save themselves. I closed my eyes for a moment, willing Troy to do it. To wake up. As if that would help.
“On top of everything else, the centers are more and more skilled at detecting defective donors earlier on. And there are so many groups like the one you just warned us about. The donors are all in constant danger, even if they don’t recognize it.”
I opened my eyes again. “Defective donors. So that’s what they call us.”
Jeff gave a slight smile. “As far as they’re concerned. When you have a will of your own, to them you’re defective. But to us you’re - brave.”
Was I really? There was that word again. Blair had said it, too. And my mom called me - fearless. I didn’t think I’d done anything that fearless. At least until now. But maybe just waking up, accepting a new life as real, maybe that was the start.
And as for brave – if I was really brave I needed to apologize for leaving. I steeled myself, and then the words spilled out.
By the time I’d finished telling them why I’d joined Bell’s group and how sorry I was, Charles was driving down the long dirt road that led to the farmhouse.
“Things happen for a reason,” Charles said. “We couldn’t have stopped Hector’s plan without you knowing about it.”
“And even if we’d found out, I would be dead if you hadn’t been there,” Jeff said.
The pink stain of another sunset spilled from the sky. Jeff turned to me again. “All the same, I’m glad you told us why you left. We’re sorry that we can’t do more. But our job has always been to rescue donors when they’re ready, never to interfere in their lives.”
I nodded. I was exhausted, and my arm still throbbed.
But Jeff wasn’t finished. “However, your brother’s situation is urgent. We believe we might lose him by seconds. We think that you might be able to convince him to wake up.”
So there was something I could do for Troy. I leaned forward, my exhaustion forgotten. “Just tell me how.”
“It’s dangerous, dream walking to your family as you know. We may have gotten rid of one threat to the center, but as I said there are others out there.”
“But I won’t really be at the center.”
“All the same, we don’t know what would happen if you were in a dream that was destroyed. So, please, Elle. You need to think before you answer. Is this something you want to risk?”
I think he already knew.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“I’ll leave you and Kavan to it,” Jeff said. “Remember, both of you. You need to stick to the business at hand. You need to convince Troy to wake up, then hurry back.”
I’d come home.
Blair’s lavender scent. Real food again. People hugging me, like they cared about me, and I knew they did. And then there was Kavan –
“Hey Elle, I hear you need my help again.”
And I did. I couldn’t do something this important alone.
The men from the farm house scared off the rest of Hector’s crew and, taking their explosives, set them back. But we still had to hurry to help Troy.
I remembered when Kavan first guided me dream walking. That feeling of wonder. The power of walking through dreams. Now I was just tired and I knew enough to be scared.
As we walked down the hall to Kavan’s room, I gripped his hand tighter.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said.
I hoped he was right.
I lay down, Kavan warm against me, and a part of me just wanted to stay there in his arms. How could I have ever walked away from this?
The curtains were open, and Kavan’s window let in enough moonlight despite the ever-present clouds that I could see Kavan staring straight ahead. I wasn’t sure what would happen when we dream walked tonight. So I wanted to tell him again how sorry I was about the way I’d left.
“Kavan,” I squeezed his hand. “I missed you so much. When I left here, I didn’t want to leave you. At least that’s not what I’d intended.”
“But you did,” he said softly.
“My leaving the farmhouse was about following what I believed. You’re a donor. Deep down I hoped you’d understand.”
“But you couldn’t tell me? Why? Didn’t you think I’d be there for you? We’re friends, more than friends. Or maybe that’s just me.”
He’d never said anything like that before. My cheeks grew hot. “No, it isn’t just you,” there was a catch in my throat. “I feel the same way. And I don’t want to lose you again.”
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. I wanted to kiss his lips, but somehow I felt shy.
“I’m so sorry, Kavan. I wasn’t thinking of anything except how mad I was. All those donors, leaving them there, I couldn’t stand it. I thought I could change that. I never meant to hurt you.”
He was silent again, but I could feel his body relaxing against me. “I’m here with you now and I don’t want to ever leave again,” I whispered.
Finally Kavan cleared his throat, “I believe you, Elle. We’ll have time to talk later, after we bring your brother home.”
Home. That’s what this was now. I smiled in the darkness. Everything would be all right.
He shut his eyes and linked his fingers with mine. I never wanted him to let go.
In less than a minute, my conscious self dissolved and I was flying, this time with Kavan at my side.
It felt so right.
I couldn’t see him, but I could feel his hand still holding mine.
Then the blackness around us disappeared and we were standing in the park by my house. It must have been very late. The sky was dark here, too, but unlike at the farmhouse or in the city, there were no clouds in this unreal starry sky. It was a beautiful night. A perfect night. Of course, what else would it be?
Kavan once again looked like a prep school jock. And once again I assumed I was equally as perfect.
He tightened his grip on my hand.
“You don’t need to,” I whispered, wanting to remind him that I didn’t need to stay attached to him any longer, I could dream walk perfectly well on my own.
But he shut his eyes and in the instant it took for me to blink, we were already standing in the hallway of my house right outside Troy’s bedroom door.
“How’d you -” I started.
“Shhhh,” Kavan put a finger to his lips. “There are still some things I can teach you about dream walking.”
I glanced down my parent’s hallway, so familiar and now so unreal. I was flooded with the same feeling that pulled on my heart when I arrived at the farmhouse, all those months ago. Part of me wanted to be here so bad it hurt. But there was a larger more rational part of me that knew couldn’t ever be happy in this world anymore.
Did Troy wake everyone from their perfect sleep with his nightmares? Or had he learned how to cover his fear, the way I had?
I turned back to my brother’s door, his name and it’s meaning written in large block letters on a piece of paper he’d taped there. TROY – Trooper. Troy meant trooper. And I hoped he was. Even if he was a glitch as Kavan once called him. The computer throwing a little benign fly in the ointment.
I glanced over at Kavan remembering he’d called himself a glitch in the system, too. Now here we were, hoping to convince my brother that he was strange for a reason. And brave enough to leave the only home he’d ever known for a world that was, at best, far less than perfect.
But it was real.
Kavan still held my hand. Our fingers were entwined. That part felt right anyway.
“We’ve got to hurry,” he whispered.
I took a deep breath and shivered. There was so much riding on this.
Kavan opened the door to Troy’s room. The window shade was up, spilling clear moonlight on his dictionaries, his books about the meaning of names. Troy lay sleeping on his bed. His breath was soft, rhythmic, each gentle inhale punctuated by a tiny wheeze. His allergies were no better. His perfect bowl haircut stuck out at odd.
Kavan nodded to me and I leaned down. Troy smelled clean, like soap. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever noticed my brother’s scent before. He seemed so young and vulnerable. For an instant I was reluctant to ruin his life. But it wasn’t ruining, it was saving. If I didn’t do something soon Troy wouldn’t have any life at all.
“Troy,” I whispered. My voice sounded out of place in the silence.
He didn’t stir, but his wheezing grew louder as if blocking out an unwanted intrusion.
I whispered more forcefully. “Troy, it’s Elle. Wake up.”
And this time he did.
Troy’s eyes gently fluttered open. Then he bolted straight up in bed, clutching his covers. Troy glanced at Kavan standing as still as a statue, then his startled eyes darted back to me. I tried to smile reassuringly.
“It’s okay, it’s me, don’t be scared.”
Actually, Troy looked more curious than scared. “Are… are you a ghost, Elle?”
“No, I’m not a ghost,” I replied as comfortingly as I could.
Troy looked at Kavan, “I’ve seen you in the day. You can’t be a ghost when it’s day.”
“I’m not a ghost either,” Kavan said in the calmest voice I’d ever heard, the one he must reserve for anyone but me.
Troy was staring at me again. “You have to be a ghost. You’re dead, Elle,” he said as if this was the most sensible observation in the world.
Now it was me who didn’t feel so rational. I knew the computer had killed me off, but up until that moment I’d never given much thought as to how.
“What happened to me, Troy? How’d I die?”
I tried to keep my tone casual, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Kavan frown. I pretended not to notice.
“Don’t you remember?” Troy’s eyes were wide. “You were in the park when this little girl ran in front of a car to get her ball. You pushed her out of the way and the car hit you instead. You were a hero and everything, Elle! Don’t you remember?”
Typical. The computer gave me a hero’s death. How nice for my perfect donor family.
Kavan squeezed my hand, and it wasn’t a nice gentle squeeze either. He was forcing me to look at him. The look on his face clearly stated that I should get back to business fast.
I sat down next to my little brother and Kavan finally let go of my hand, instead placing both of his own on my shoulders as if he were afraid to let go of me.
“How long have you been having the nightmare, Troy? The same nightmare?” I asked.
Troy didn’t seem at all astonished that I knew. “A long time,” he said, “even when you were alive.”
I blinked, that was news. “What do you see?”
“Snaky pipes and blood and sleeping people.”
“Are you scared?”
“No, I’m not scared,” Troy shook his head and his sleek blonde hair fell into perfect bowl-like place. “I’m like you, Elle.”
A lump rose in my throat and suddenly I felt like hugging my brother who was more like me than he knew.
“What if you were one of those sleeping people, Troy?”
“How could I be?” Troy replied reasonably, “I was watching them.”
“That’s right. Just like me.”
“But now you’re a ghost, Elle.”
I held out my hand and Troy put his small one inside of mine. It was soft and warm. “I told you, I’m not a ghost. I woke up from that place, Troy. The one you keep seeing. And you need to wake up, too.”
Troy thought for a moment then gazed up into my eyes. “Will you be with me?”
“Yes. But not
at first. First you need to open your eyes and keep them open. And then it won’t be long until I’m with you.” I felt like I was going to cry. “A big man named Charles will pick you up and put you in this little room in his car where you’ll be safe. You’ll drive a long way, and when he finally takes you out you’ll be at this beautiful farmhouse in the country. And I’ll be there waiting. With Kavan. And we’ll all be really happy.”
Troy’s mouth hung open a little as if listening to some wonderful bedtime story. Then he gently took his hand out of mine.
“Okay, Elle. I’ll wake up.”
Before I could say anything else I heard something from the room next door.
A baby was crying.
I glanced in that direction, then back at Kavan. He didn’t tell me my mom had the baby. He looked down, pretending to study Troy’s quilt as if the bright cartoon characters stamped there were fascinating.
“I’m a big brother now,” Troy said proudly.
We heard the door to a room open. My mother must be going in to the baby.
Kavan stiffened. “Elle, we have to go.”
But I was still listening to the baby’s cries. I looked down at Troy. “What’d she have?”
“A sister, Elle, we have a sister. Her name is Jayne which means - God’s grace.”
God’s grace.
Jayne had already stopped crying, after all she was a perfect donor baby. There was the soft sound of someone rustling around in her room.
Suddenly Kavan’s hands yanked my shoulders back, hard. And at the same time, I felt something tugging, as if someone besides Kavan was pulling on me.
I frowned at Kavan. “They’re calling us back?”
There was a stronger tug.
“Something’s wrong,” Kavan said.
“What could it be?”
“I don’t know, but they wouldn’t do this if there wasn’t something really serious going on.”
“What about Troy?” I turned to my little brother, desperate now; if something serious was going on I knew he must be in danger too. I leaned in close to him, pleading. “Please Troy, you have to wake up, you have to open your eyes, right now.”
