by Linda Marr
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Elle. I am awake.”
“No. You need to wake up in the dream place. With the all the tubes.”
“I don’t understand,” Troy said.
I looked at Kavan, panicked now. “We have to do something.”
“We don’t have time, Elle. We have to go now,” Kavan said.
No, I thought. I could not leave my brother like this.
“What if we tried to take him back with us?”
Kavan’s eyes widened. “We’ve never done that before.”
“So we don’t know that it can’t be done. You heard him, he’s ready.”
I turned to Troy. “Take our hands now, Troy. Right now.”
Kavan shook his head, but all the same he reached out his hand. Troy hesitated, but then he took Kavan’s hand and mine.
Kavan’s hand looked so strong around Troy’s thin wrist. Troy looked up at Kavan, trustingly.
Right then, I loved Kavan more than anything for doing this with me.
With our hands joined, there it was again. That tug on all three of us, the feeling of an invisible hook yanking us back.
For an instant Troy’s bedroom, with its cartoon patterned bed spread and book collection split apart. We were half in his world and half in the real one.
There were the massive pipes, shuddering, like something was going to tear them apart.
Troy gave a small shriek.
“What’s going on?” I was frantic.
“I don’t know.” The alarm in Kavan’s voice mirrored my own.
Troy’s bedroom tore apart like a curtain ripped in half.
The enormous pipes in the donor center were shaking as if in an earthquake. People shouted and ran around the giant vats. There was an explosion, screams. Pipes tore loose from the ceiling.
“It’s a bomb!” I barely stopped myself from shouting, remembering I was in my family’s home. “They must’ve planted another bomb. Why are we seeing it here?”
“I don’t know!” Kavan was equally freaked.
In the part of the donor center we could see, we saw Charles, his face white and determined.
Kavan tightened his grip on Troy, “I think it’s because we’re both holding Troy’s hands, we’re seeing it through his eyes. He must be really trying to wake up.”
I looked at Troy, his gaze was fixed, as if he couldn’t see us any more in his donor life.
“Charles needs to get him out of the center, right now,” Kavan said. He leaned down close to Troy’s frozen face. “Troy, wake up! Wake up now!”
I tightened my grip on Troy’s hand.
Just then outside Troy’s door, there was a gentle knock.
The chaos at the center disappeared, and Troy’s room was all that was left, quiet and dark.
From behind the door I heard a low voice that was just as soft, gentle, and soothing as I remembered.
“Troy?” My mom quietly called.
My heart dropped as the doorknob slowly turned.
Kavan whirled to me in a panic. “You’re right. We have to take him! We have to take him in our minds! Now, Elle, now!”
Troy’s room shook, it must’ve been from the bombs at the center.
Troy’s door opened a crack. I saw my mom and I knew in that instant, with those bombs exploding, I had to take her with me, too.
I whispered to Troy. “Go with Kavan,” I pulled my hand out of his and Kavan’s.
“What are you doing?” Kavan shouted.
Kavan and Troy were fading away. Then all of a sudden, I saw Kavan’s hand pulled from Troy’s. What had just happened? They were both gone. Where were either of them now?
But I had no time to think about it.
My mom stepped into the room. She wore a nightgown I’d seen many times before, pale blue and silky. She was beautiful. As always. But who was she really? This woman, my mother, was actually lying comatose in a watery vat that might be ripped apart at any moment.
I looked up at her. Standing in front of me, she was barely able to move or speak. I understood how she felt.
I opened my mouth, but no words came. I had to explain what was happening, to convince her to go with me, but only one tiny word came out. “Mom.”
She gave a slight smile.
“I’m not a ghost, I’m real.” I searched for the right words, “I live somewhere else now, in a world that’s really… really different than this…” I added lamely.
I’d never make her understand fast enough at this rate. She sank down on the bed beside me, stunned. I knew I didn’t have much time, with the bombs going off in the center. And now that Kavan had awakened without me, Jeff would yank me back any minute.
“…the real world… it’s nice, mom…” I was annoyed with myself and growing more impatient by the minute. Why couldn’t I find the right words? “Well, not really nice… but… well… it’s real - ”
She interrupted, “And now Troy’s going to be there, too.”
I looked down. I realized Troy was still lying in bed. Or rather, his body was there.
My mom reached down to the side of his neck and gently felt for a pulse. He wasn’t breathing.
I watched, shocked. My mom seemed sad, not surprised. She carefully tucked the covers up and around Troy’s shoulders, a gesture of farewell.
“He always suffered from asthma,” tears were rolling down her face. “He must have stopped breathing… in his sleep…”
“He woke up.” What was my mom saying? What did she think with me right beside her? “He woke up to a world that’s better than this,” I told her.
“A world that looks like a torture chamber?” my mom spat out the words.
I was startled by the terror in her eyes.
“A world with massive pipes of blood circling the ceiling over thousands of lifeless bodies…” my mom went on.
“That’s where I was. That’s where you are. And dad. And Jayne,” I told her.
She looked startled at the mention of the baby.
I couldn’t stop myself. “They gave you a baby to replace me.” I glanced down at my brother’s body. By now I hoped he was safe. “If you stay here they’ll probably give you another baby to replace Troy. That’s if you survive at all. The place you’re talking about is under attack.”
My mother gasped.
“The only thing that’s real is waking up,” I rushed on. I had to make her understand.
“There’s parts of the real world that are wonderful. Even if not all of it is. The smells and the tastes, the feelings. There’s problems… real problems, but when you solve them you feel… happier… prouder… I don’t know, mom… you just feel deeper… you feel… like you’ve never felt before.”
I sighed in frustration. Maybe if I was still living my donor life I would know the perfect words, but right now I didn’t. How could I explain how it feels to be free? Even if you made a terrible mistake, it was your own life not something a computer programmed you to have. But how would I ever convince my mom – or my dad for that matter, to come with me?
“Mom, my nightmare was real. The most real thing about our lives. But I didn’t stay in the room with the blood and the bodies. You don’t have to stay there, either. You can live with me. And Troy. You and dad and Jayne can all wake up. There’s a farmhouse. We can live there together.”
Until I said those words, as much as I thought I’d wanted to be with my family, I’d never realized how much.
“Please mom. Please come with me… please say you’ll wake up, we have to go right now.”
My mom wasn’t crying anymore. She took my hand in hers and held it tight. “You were just like him, Elle, I knew it. I saw it in your eyes. I was right to be worried.”
“Like who?” I was confused.
“Your father.”
My eyes darted in the direction of my parent’s bedroom.
My mom touched my face. “Your real father. Nicholas…Nick. He was strong like you. I can see him so clearly in you.”
I
stopped, astonished. We’d never talked about my real dad. To me, my stepfather was my real father.
“Dad died,” I said, my mind groping numbly as to why she was talking about him, now.
My mom shook her head, fresh tears slipping down her face. “That dream, that horrible - he had it, too. He couldn’t leave well enough alone. He wasn’t content to just be happy. He had it so many times, and then one morning I turned over in bed and he was gone.”
My dad woke up? He was alive. Did he escape like me? Or was he killed?
Mom gazed down at my brother’s body. “And now Troy… he never told me he was having it. It’s a terrible dream,” she said furiously. “I can still see those awful pipes, those people.”
I couldn’t believe it. All I could do was stare. “You had the dream, too?”
She nodded. “A long time ago. I was about your age. I had it quite regularly.” She brushed her gown away from her leg, showing her scar. “But then after – after I was almost killed, I stopped having it, Elle. I couldn’t-I couldn’t do it anymore.”
I was stunned. She knew what my dream had meant all along? All those times she sang to me and rocked me.
“Why?”
She looked at me, nothing but love in her eyes. “I wasn’t as fearless as you are.”
I struggled to understand what she was saying. She tried to wake up when she was my age.
I was like my mom and I never knew.
I reached out to take her hand, but there was a tug. By now they must have revived Kavan, and hopefully Troy. They were coming for me.
But I set my mind against that pull, I couldn’t respond to it. “You can wake up now,” I pleaded. The words rushed out, “It’s hard, but not as hard as you think. And it won’t even be that bad because we’ll all be together! Not being with you was the worst part.”
My mom looked at me with such sorrow and fear. I took her hand.
“I-I can’t, Elle,” she said quietly. “This is where I want to be.”
“No!” I looked toward my parent’s bedroom, “What about dad, my stepdad, I mean? Surely he’ll want to know what’s going on. He’ll want to go!”
My mother shook her head. “Mathew is content to stay with me. He likes being happy.”
I stared. My stepfather knew, too?
I felt another tug and fought it off. It was getting harder to ignore.
Mom looked away. “We like our jobs, our lives. We’d lose it all.”
“No, you wouldn’t!” I began to cry like a little kid, cry like I hadn’t since this whole mess began. “What you’d get -” The tug was harder now, I could hardly resist it. I held on to my mom as tightly as I could. “What you get… it’s much more… so much more!”
She brushed her free hand across my cheek. Her fingers were wet with my tears.
“You would say that, Elle. That’s so like you. So strong.” She frowned, as if her thoughts were turning inward. “And like Troy as well. He’s special, Elle, and stronger than you know.”
My heart ached. How could my mom, whom I loved and admired practically from the moment I was born, choose mindless happiness over real life? Over me and Troy?
The yanking was steady now. I gritted my teeth against the force, but I was suddenly very tired, too tired to resist it. It wasn’t helping to look at my mom.
Whatever grief she felt had passed, or she had brushed it away. She was smiling at me. Lovingly. Protectively. Blankly.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t make the dream go away, Elle.”
My voice was flat, “I didn’t want it to.”
“No. You’ve always been my fearless dreamer.”
She gently kissed my forehead, then she took both my hands in hers, and for one brief, wonderful, painful moment I felt her softness.
Then suddenly –
The room tore open again.
We were at the center surrounded by blasts of smoke. Plumes of fire.
My mom screamed.
“Mom,” I was shouting now. “You have to come with me. They’ll kill you.” She had to realize her donor life, as much as she wanted to keep it, might no longer be a choice.
But our hands were ripped apart.
I was hurled backwards towards the floor.
I saw my mom’s lifeless donor body fly up into the air, as her vat shattered around her.
I slammed to the ground.
In the vat next to hers, my stepdad’s donor body crashed out in a surge of gushing pink liquid.
I screamed again. “Mom, dad!”
All around me, donors in their enormous vats were exploding.
And then I was skidding through the blackness.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“Elle. Wake up now.” Jeff’s voice was close to me.
I couldn’t open my eyes.
He was whispering my name over and over. I could feel his fingers, cool and strong, pressing into my temples.
I tried, but I couldn’t quite wake up. I could feel myself drifting back into blackness.
Then Jeff did the unthinkable. He grabbed my arms and began to shake me. “Elle, wake up! Wake up now!”
And suddenly, in mid-shake, my eyes opened. My head felt heavy, like it was wobbling on my neck.
Jeff laid me back down on the comforter. My eyes were open, but I was having trouble seeing where I was. All I could see was my mom’s soft face, and then her donor body in the wreckage of the center.
I remembered the time that I’d shaken Kavan and how he’d screamed. I opened my mouth, but no sound came.
“You’re at the farmhouse. You’re going to be fine.”
“Troy -” I managed.
“He’s safe here with us,” Jeff told me.
I could barely nod. I felt heavy and I ached all over. I had so much I wanted to ask him about, and yet so much I didn’t want to know.
“I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened.” He picked me up and carried me like a child. I didn’t object. He took me to my old bedroom, Kavan trailing behind us.
Again my lips moved frantically but no sound came out.
“Don’t try to talk. Just rest,” Jeff said.
Jeff left, but Kavan hovered by my side. “I was afraid you’d never wake up.”
He sat down on the side of my bed, and took my hand. I was glad that he did. But I couldn’t really feel anything beyond that. All I could think about was what happened to my parents. Seeing their bodies lying there like broken bloody puppets. Knowing I’d have to tell Troy. Knowing that my parents were aware all along that they were living a dream. And they didn’t care.
Kavan stroked my hand over and over. “I thought you died when you pulled away from me and Troy.”
“I almost did,” my voice was just a hoarse whisper. “The donor center blew up around me.”
“I never thought I’d see you again,” Kavan’s voice cracked.
“I couldn’t convince my mom to wake up.” Tears rolled down my cheeks.
He squeezed my hand gently; he looked more serious than I’d ever seen him. “You tried. That’s all you can do. I’m sorry. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do.” Kavan smiled. “I’ve tried that with you.”
I looked up at him, he was right. It didn’t make the hurt any less, but it made me understand. My mother had made her own choice. It had nothing to do with me. And I would miss her always.
Kavan leaned close and kissed my forehead. I looked up at him through blurry eyes.
As usual, he was a mess. His blue hair standing on end, his tee shirt wrinkled. There was a whole imperfect life ahead of us. I could see that now.
He stroked my hair back. “I was so afraid I’d lost you,” Kavan said again. “For good this time.”
A moment ago I wanted to cry, but now instead I smiled.
“I’ll be back,” he said. “You get some sleep.”
And then he was gone, almost as quickly as he moved when he was dream walking.
I didn’t know if I wanted to sleep ever again
. I wasn’t sure what I’d see if I dream walked, what wreckage existed in the donor world. But I was so tired, I did sleep. My dreams were of a different kind. I didn’t walk anywhere. It was a dream of what once was - a memory.
My mom was sitting on the porch steps wearing a flowered summer dress, her hands clasped around her knees. A light breeze ruffled her hair, she looked young and relaxed and still. She began to softly sing. She seemed to be singing directly to me.
“Beautiful dreamer awake unto me…Sounds of the rude world heard in the day, lulled by the moonlight have all passed away.”
I looked carefully at my mom. There was something about her that was calmer and happier than I’d ever seen her. She was happy for me.
And I knew all at once, we were both trying to say goodbye. I whispered. “I’ll always love you mom.”
My eyes snapped open, it was broad daylight. From the way the light spilled into my room, it looked like it was late afternoon. Had I slept the day away? I was confused. Kavan was sitting by the side of my bed again, his face close to mine.
No more dreaming. This was my real life. I sent a last silent goodbye to my mom.
Kavan leaned in and kissed me – not my cheek, not my forehead, but gently, on my lips. It was electric. I realized I wouldn’t mind if he kissed me forever.
His beautiful brown, blue-flecked eyes were serious, as he pulled away.
“My parents are both really gone, aren’t they?” I asked.
He nodded. “Hector’s group claimed responsibility for the bombings. It looks like they had more explosives stored in that church. They tried to stage some kind of religious coup but it didn’t work.”
“But what about the donors? Did everyone see them?”
Kavan shook his head. “The blasts knocked away so much of the center that there wasn’t even a body visible though the rubble,” he said, “as soon as the fire was out, there was the usual government cover up.”
Sadness washed over me. When I’d gone to Jeremiah’s I thought there was a chance to save them all. But I was wrong. All that had happened was that thousands of donors lost their perfect, pretend lives. Including my own parents.
A small thin voice called my name. “Elle?”
There was Troy, standing in front of me. Someone who had made the choice to wake up to the world.
