The Lost Wife

by Maggie Cox

  When Jake merely grinned instead of commenting, as though he knew very well how uncomfortable she was, Ailsa quickly tore her glance away and headed down the hall to the kitchen. Her house guest followed her. She quickly washed her hands, then flicked on the switch to boil the kettle again. She was reaching for a couple of pottery mugs from the dresser when Jake pulled out a chair at the breakfast table and sat down. Knowing that his interested gaze trailed her every move, she grew more and more discomfited. Although she was tense and on edge in his company, she knew that if she turned round right then her ex wouldn’t be displaying any such similar tension. When he did relax he turned it almost into an art form. His athletic body knew how to lounge to mouthwatering effect … even in a hard-backed kitchen chair.

  Ailsa bit back a sigh. Deciding to bite the bullet, she made herself bring up the subject that had been at the forefront of her mind since waking that morning and seeing the breathtaking result of last night’s heavy snowfall.

  ‘If you were hoping to get to the airport today I don’t think much of your chances.’

  ‘Neither do I,’ he agreed. The smooth skin between his brows puckered. ‘Have you checked to see if there’s a phone line yet?’

  Ailsa grimaced. ‘Yes, I have … it’s still out, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Damn!’

  The harsh-voiced comment didn’t do a lot for her confidence. Had he come to dislike her so much that the thought of spending any more time than necessary in her company was abhorrent to him?

  ‘I feel just as frustrated that I can’t talk to Saskia,’ she murmured. Realising that the kettle had boiled, she swallowed down her hurt, then busied herself making the tea. She took Jake’s over to him at the table. ‘Help yourself to sugar. I’m going to get on with cooking your breakfast.’

  ‘Are you going to join me?’

  ‘I don’t eat much in the morning. I’ll probably just make myself a slice of toast.’

  ‘Just toast? Is that all you have for breakfast?’

  ‘Usually, yes.’

  ‘Then it’s no wonder you’ve lost weight.’

  ‘Anything else you’ve noticed about me?’ she asked, stung. It hardly made sense since they weren’t together any more, Ailsa knew, but the notion that he might find her skinny and unattractive upset her. Yes, she’d always been on the slender side, but before the accident she’d had some nicely rounded curves too. Curves that he’d professed to adore. And when she’d been pregnant with Saskia, and then their son, he’d loved her womanly shape even more.

  Did he spend his time adoring some other woman’s curves these days?

  Jake’s steady, unwavering glance told her he was considering the question deeply. ‘Yes. You’re even more beautiful than I remember.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’ Her arms went protectively around her middle. ‘Events have inevitably shaped me, and I’m very aware that I’m a little too thin and tired-looking. I’m twenty-eight, but sometimes I feel more like a hundred.’

  ‘That’s just crazy talk.’

  ‘It’s not that I even mind really.’ She shrugged. ‘As long as I have the energy to work and take care of Saskia, that’s all that matters.’

  Ailsa hadn’t realised that he had risen to his feet until he stood in front of her, tipping up her chin to make her look at him. His eyes were such a searing sapphire-blue they were nearly the undoing of her. Had his lashes always been that long and lustrous? He was standing so close that surely he must hear the sound of her galloping heart?

  ‘You might be tired, but you’re not too thin and you certainly don’t look old before your time. As a matter of fact I thought when I saw you yesterday how incredibly young you still are. Perhaps you were too young when I married you, hmm?’

  Softly smoothing back her hair from her forehead, the palm that glanced against her skin was slightly rough edged, yet infinitely soft at the same time. Like velvet.Along with his deep, mellow voice, it almost lulled her into believing that everything that was wrong between them could be set right again.

  Where had that dangerous notion sprung from? The idea was as self-destructive as hoping for sanctuary in a burning house …

  As if coming out of a trance, Ailsa stepped back from Jake to cross her arms protectively over her chest, almost as if guarding her heart. ‘Are you saying that you regret our marriage?’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m not saying that at all. Why do you always have to go on the defensive and believe the worst?’

  Now her gaze was unwavering. ‘Because some days it’s hard to believe in anything good any more,’ she told him honestly.

  ‘It grieves me that you feel like that.’ Sighing heavily, Jake narrowed his gaze. ‘We had some good times when we were together, don’t you remember?’

  ‘We did … But then we made the painful mistake of believing we had a wonderful future in prospect … you, our children and I. Look what happened to that particular little fantasy.’

  Why did she do this? Go for the jugular every time? Hearing the despair in her voice made Jake feel as though his heart was being slashed to ribbons again … just as his hands had been in the accident, when he’d reached for Ailsa to protect her from the splintering glass and jagged metal that the drunken driver had recklessly and devastatingly reduced their car to, killing their beloved baby in the process. He’d already had to bear the unbearable … how long did the fates intend him to suffer?

  In an agony of pain and frustration he squeezed his eyes momentarily shut. When he opened them again Ailsa had already moved back to the stove to cook breakfast. Staring at the glorious waterfall of long dark hair that waved down her back, he wanted to step up behind her, pull her too-slender form hard into his body and never let her go. Instead he glanced out of the window in front of her to see an even heavier curtain of snow descending from the cobweb-grey skies.

  ‘Is there to be no end to this godforsaken weather today?’

  He made no attempt to disguise the anger and despondency in his tone, and Ailsa glanced round at him. ‘I know you can’t wait to be gone, to be back in Copenhagen again … but you’re going to be utterly miserable if you can’t accept the fact that right now you’re stuck here for a while. Just as I have to accept the fact that Saskia won’t be with me for another week.’

  ‘Make me feel even worse than I do already, why don’t you? Don’t you think I feel bad enough, showing up here without her? My mother and she were so adamant they wanted to be together for a little while longer, and I thought why not? Where’s the harm? I thought surely you’d understand for once, but instead you’re regarding me like I’ve committed the crime of the bloody century!’

  ‘Jake, I—’

  There was a loud hammering on the front door that made them both start.

  ‘Who the hell is that?’

  There was only one person it could be in this unbelievable weather, Ailsa realized. And she knew his appearance probably wasn’t going to help ease the current friction between her and Jake. Wiping her hands down the front of the apron she wore, which was patterned with tiny red robins in honor of the season, she hurried out into the hall.

  Stamping his feet on the doorstep, trying to shake off some of the frost and snow that caked his boots and fur-lined parka, was the handsome, dark-haired son of the farmer who was her closest neighbour.

  ‘Good morning, Ailsa.’

  ‘Linus, what are you doing here?’

  ‘I’ve brought you some eggs, milk and bread to help tide you over until you can get to the shops again. Nothing can move out there except the tractor. Are you okay? I was worried about you and Saskia being here all on your own.’

  ‘I’m absolutely fine, thanks—and Saskia’s still with her grandmother in Copenhagen. It’s very good of you to come and check up on us like this.’

  ‘What are neighbours for?’ A friendly grin split his lips, showing well-tended white teeth. ‘Just a second and I’ll go and grab those provisions.’

  As she waited for him to return to the
impressive red tractor that was steadily being drowned in even more layers of thick snow Ailsa clapped her hands together to warm them. The frosted air was literally like ice.

  ‘Shall I take it through to the kitchen?’ her visitor suggested, returning with a medium-sized cardboard container.

  ‘Yes, please.’ Forcing a smile to her lips, Ailsa sensed apprehension seep into the pit of her stomach at the thought that he was going to come face to face with her ex-husband.

  There was nothing but casual friendship between her and the farmer’s son—she’d never even remotely felt like advancing their association into anything more meaningful—but somehow, even though they’d been apart for a long time, she knew Jake would immediately jump to conclusions. The wrong conclusions … He’d always had a propensity to be jealous. But, although he had clearly entertained the possibility of another relationship, after that reference he’d made to women thinking he looked ‘piratical’, Ailsa hadn’t. How could she not welcome in a friendly neighbour who had been so thoughtful? That was just plain bad manners in her book. The least she could do was make Linus a cup of tea to warm him up before sending him off on his journey home.

  But as soon as they arrived in the kitchen Jake’s aloof air easily conveyed his suspicion and even his annoyance at the presence of the other man. His glacial glance was colder than the icy weather outside as he silently surveyed the stranger who followed Ailsa in.

  ‘Jake, this is my neighbour Linus—he’s very kindly brought me some provisions from his farm. Linus, this is Jake Larsen … Saskia’s father. He came to let me know that Saskia was staying with her grandmother a bit longer and now he’s stranded here.’ She subconsciously gnawed her lip at the realisation that Jake might well be annoyed that she’d given the other man a little too much information.

  ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’ Linus frowned before quickly setting the box of provisions down on the table. He stole a brief glance at Ailsa before recovering his surprise and politely extending his hand towards the other man. ‘From Saskia, I mean. She talks about you all the time.’

  ‘Is that a fact?’

  Although Jake paid deference to good manners and shook the other man’s hand, the gesture was clearly reluctant. For a second all Ailsa could hear was the beating of her heart in tandem with the stolid ticking of the antique clock on the mantelpiece. Lightly touching Linus’s arm, she made herself smile, as though everything was perfectly normal and her ex-husband wasn’t wearing an expression that would repel even the most dogged comers.

  ‘It is.’ Her visitor’s smile was awkward.

  ‘Why don’t you sit down, Linus, and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea?’

  He shrugged, clearly discomfited by Jake’s frosty reception. ‘That’s kind of you, but I’d better not stay … there’s still plenty to do on the farm before the daylight goes. But thanks for offering. Maybe I’ll drop in again to see how you are in a day or two?’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want a hot drink? It’s freezing out there.’

  ‘I’ll be okay. I’m used to working in all weathers, and I’ve had a big breakfast this morning to help sustain me.’

  ‘All right, then.’ One eye on Jake, Ailsa clamped her teeth anxiously down on her bottom lip. ‘Thanks so much for bringing those provisions. That was thoughtful. I owe you.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. It was my pleasure. To tell you the truth it was nice to have an excuse to drop round and see you. Sometimes work is relentless, and I don’t get the time to visit as much as I’d like.’

  His awkwardness had vanished, and now Linus’s smile was broad. She was a little taken aback by it—especially in front of Jake—but she privately owned to feeling pleasure too at being so warmly regarded.

  His glance briefly moved across to her ex. ‘It was good to meet you,’ he said.

  ‘You too.’

  The reply was uttered without expression, and Ailsa thought it was just as well that Linus wasn’t staying longer, because she definitely sensed that her brooding ex-husband had hardly welcomed the idea.

  ‘If we don’t meet again I hope you have a safe journey home.’

  This time Jake said nothing at all. He simply looked at the other man as if he wished he would disappear.

  Linus smiled faintly at Ailsa, then turned and went out into the hallway. When she returned to the kitchen, after waving him goodbye, she clenched her fists down by her sides and stared hard at Jake. There wasn’t so much as an ounce of remorse on his striking face for his distinct coolness towards the other man, she saw. Her blood pumped with indignation.

  ‘Did you have to be so aloof? Linus is a good man. He only came to check up on me and Saskia to make sure we were all right. He even brought us some supplies because I can’t get to the shops.’

  ‘Are you telling me that you’re in need of another man around these days to look out for you and my daughter?’

  In sheer disbelief at what he was assuming, Ailsa clenched her teeth. ‘He’s not “another man” in the way that you’re insinuating. For your information, Jake, I don’t need another man for anything! I can take perfectly good care of myself. Linus is just a friend and neighbour.’

  Rubbing his forehead, Jake momentarily glanced down at the floor. When he lifted his gaze the crystalline blue eyes glinted dangerously. ‘You’re telling me you can’t see that he wants to be much more than just a friend and neighbour?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Perhaps things have progressed beyond friendship and neighbourliness already?’

  ‘We’ve had an occasional cup of tea and a chat together and that’s all. I’ve certainly never encouraged anything more personal than that. And even if I had it’s none of your business who I spend my time with … not any more. Did you forget that we’re divorced?’

  ‘No.’ For a moment his expression bordered on tortured. ‘I didn’t forget.’

  The annoyance and indignation that had threatened to overwhelm Ailsa a few moments ago deflated like a burst balloon. Now, instead of annoyance, the predominant feeling that coursed through her veins was compassion. They’d both been badly injured in the accident that had killed their longed-for baby, and if that wasn’t enough they’d also endured the devastating end of their marriage. On top of that, Jake had recently lost his father. He had to be hurting.

  Was his anger towards her over the thought that she might be seeing someone else a cover for that hurt? More than ever she realised they needed to talk. Somehow during this enforced stay of his at the cottage they had to find a way to start resolving their shared agony from the past.

  Her gaze came to rest on the sturdy cast iron frying pan she’d left on the stove. ‘I’ll get on with cooking your breakfast. Do you want another cup of tea? That one’s probably gone cold by now.’

  Returning to sit down again at the pine table, Jake pulled the mug of tea that Ailsa had made earlier towards him and took a sip. ‘It’s fine,’ he murmured.

  She was by his side in an instant, taking the mug from his hands and cupping her hands round it to glean if the beverage was still sufficiently hot. ‘It’s practically cold. I’ll make you another one. It’s no trouble.’

  ‘Why are you being so pleasant towards me when I’ve just upset you with my less than warm reception of your friend?’ Disturbingly, Jake trapped her with his unflinching gaze.

  ‘Is it going to help us if I’m unpleasant?’ she asked reasonably.

  A faint smile curved his lips. ‘I guess not.’

  ‘Then I’ll get on with the breakfast.’

  Opening the cardboard container Linus had left on the table, Ailsa retrieved a box of eggs. ‘The eggs from the farm are amazing. They’re new laid every day and better than anything I can get at the supermarket.’

  ‘How lucky that you can get them from Linus.’

  The comment was a bit more than lightly sarcastic, and she sensed the ground she thought they’d just gained slipping away. ‘He is just a friend, you know. I wouldn’t lie to you about that. I
have Saskia’s happiness to consider, as well as my own, and while she’s still young I won’t be in the market for a romantic relationship with anyone.’ Her brow furrowing, she didn’t draw away from Jake’s interested glance. ‘How about you? Are there any important new relationships in your life that I should know about?’ Even as she asked the question her stomach lurched sickeningly in case he said yes.

  To her relief, he shook his head. ‘Like you, I don’t intend to get seriously involved with anyone else until Saskia’s grown. But nor have I resigned myself to some monastic existence either.’ A muscle flexed in the plane of his cheek, just to the side his scar. ‘I’m only human, and my basic human needs are no different to anyone else’s.’

  It took Ailsa a couple of seconds to find her voice after that incendiary comment, because she was busy fielding the giant wave of hurt that washed over her at the idea of Jake having his sexual needs met by another woman … maybe even more than one woman. They’d been divorced for four years now, after all, and it was hardly the first time the thought had crossed her mind. Most times she quickly pushed it away. But she intimately knew her husband’s needs in that department. He had always been the most incredible lover. That part of their marriage had fulfilled every dream of love and passion she had ever had and then some …

  ‘What about my needs?’ she asked, struggling to keep her voice level. ‘Do I have the same freedom there as you do, Jake? Or don’t you think I have such needs any more since the accident rendered me unable to bear children? Perhaps you think it’s made me less of a woman?’

  ‘Don’t say that!’ The flash of shock and dismay in his compelling blue eyes took Ailsa aback. ‘Don’t even think it, let alone say it. You’re more a woman than any other female I know, and even though we’re not together any more nothing will ever change that.’ Getting to his feet he pushed back his chair. It was easy to detect he was breathing hard. Wordlessly, he lifted the box of eggs out of her hands and left it on the table. Then he slid his palm over her cheek, slid his thumb beneath her jaw to hold it steady. ‘Saskia always says she has the most beautiful mama in the world, and she’s right.’