The Lost Wife

by Maggie Cox

  Biting her lip, Ailsa nodded. Tears were already swimming into her eyes.

  ‘Do you still care for Jake?’

  Retrieving her hand from the older woman’s warm clasp, she drew it back onto her lap. ‘Yes, I do … very much.’

  ‘Then I am going to make a suggestion.’ Tilda’s smile was tender as well as infinitely understanding. ‘I want you to leave Saskia here with me until Christmas Eve and go and spend some proper time alone with Jake. You tell me you have talked, but I sense there is more to say … I am guessing the most important things of all. Then, on Christmas Eve, you must both come and spend the day here with us. I will make up one of the guestrooms and you can stay as long as you like.’

  ‘What about taking Saskia to the market? I know she has some presents she wants to buy, and I’ve yet to get her the things she wrote down on her list.’

  ‘Let me take her to the Christmas market. It makes sense when she probably wants to buy gifts for her mama and papa. You mentioned the list she wrote?’

  ‘What of it?’

  ‘There were two letters in the envelope she gave to Jake, yes?’

  Remembering the sheet of paper she’d slipped into her pocket in the car, Ailsa felt her heart start to race. ‘Yes … there were.’

  ‘Did he read them?’

  ‘No. He gave the envelope to me.’

  ‘So he has no idea what Saskia wrote on those two pages?’

  ‘I let him read her Christmas list … but that’s all.’

  ‘Ahh …’

  There was a wealth of knowing in the other woman’s softly-voiced response, and Ailsa squirmed uncomfortably. ‘I will show him the other letter—I really will. But—but the time has got to be right.’

  ‘That is true. Take this chance to be together—just the two of you—and you will find the right time, my dear. That is my advice. Have lunch with me and Saskia, then go home—back to the city with Jake. If Jacob was still here I have no doubt he would give you the same advice. He loved our son with all his heart, Ailsa, even if he often didn’t display it. He was so proud of him.’

  It wasn’t up to Ailsa to tell Jake’s mother that he had always doubted his father’s love. That was a conversation they would have to have between themselves. But right now, much as she yearned to spend time with her daughter, she knew that the opportunity to be with Jake and finally express her true feelings was not one she should let pass by. No more would she turn and run away from the things that scared her in case they wounded her, or didn’t turn out as she had hoped. In truth, she’d been running away all her life. Instead, she would face everything. If nothing else, she would teach her child by example to be brave in all things.

  ‘Okay. I’ll take your advice … providing, of course, that Jake agrees.’

  Tilda got to her feet, lightly brushing down the soft folds of the elegant black dress she wore. ‘Trust me, my daughter … he will definitely agree. To take the chance to spend some important time with you, to talk and rekindle the wonderful closeness you used to enjoy, to try to ease the hurts of the past and hopefully look to make a happier future … why would he refuse? Now, I must go and prepare our lunch or else it will be nearly dinnertime before we eat!’

  Jake was strangely subdued as Alain drove them home through the night, back to the town house. They had enjoyed a delicious lunch prepared by Tilda and, afterwards he had gone out into the garden to make a snowman with Saskia. The flakes of white frosting had ceased falling soon after they’d arrived, but it had left a generously thick blanket on the ground. Their little girl had been thrilled that her papa had joined in her play, chasing her and pelting her with lightly fashioned snowballs as she screamed in delight.

  It had been a real joy for Ailsa to see them both looking so pink-cheeked and exhilarated by their fun, but now that they had left the magical house in the woods behind Ailsa wondered if Jake was perhaps regretting agreeing to his mother’s suggestion that they spend some time together alone over the next few days. The fear she’d been nurturing about him maybe feeling pressurised to rekindle their relationship when he privately didn’t want to had worryingly returned. The last thing she wanted was for him to consider them reconciling out of guilt.

  To counteract her deep concern, she sought for a safer subject to discuss. ‘It was lovely seeing Saskia again, wasn’t it? She’s clearly very happy staying with your mother.’

  ‘I think it means a lot to them both to be together.’ He rubbed his hand round his jaw and gave her a smile … just. It was hardly reassuring.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind us returning home alone, Jake? I somehow get the feeling that you’re not altogether happy about it.’

  ‘Let’s wait until we get inside to talk about it, hmm?’

  Lapsing into an unhappy silence, Ailsa went back to gazing out of the passenger seat window. Staring at the tall shadows of trees and bushes and the snowy landscape that swept past, she clasped her hands tightly together in her lap and wished she could return to feeling more hopeful. Now the journey home felt interminable.

  When at last Alain drove the car into the generous-sized private parking space in front of the impressive town house, this time she waited quietly for the polite Frenchman to open the door for her.

  ‘Goodnight, madame. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening,’ he said with a smile.

  Already at the front door, inserting his key into the lock, Jake waited for her to join him before going inside, holding the door wide for her to precede him.

  ‘Would you like a nightcap, or a maybe a coffee?’

  He took her wool jacket from her to hang it up on the elegant coat stand by the door—but not before Ailsa had quickly retrieved the crumpled piece of paper she’d jammed into one of the pockets. Closing her palm tightly around it, she felt it all but burn her soft skin. ‘I’ll have a coffee, please.’

  ‘Coffee for two it is, then.’ Shrugging off the black cashmere coat he wore, Jake left it on the stand and headed across the marble reception area to the kitchen.

  She silently followed his tall, dark-clothed figure, trepidation tightening her chest.

  Beneath the bright kitchen lighting Jake deftly and silently went about sorting their drinks—carefully measuring out coffee grounds, turning on the gleaming machine that would make it, and setting out the cups and saucers as if he was deliberately taking as much time as possible to gather his thoughts.

  As she sat quietly but restlessly at the table, Ailsa remembered that he had suggested only that morning that when they returned from their visit she should move her things into his room. Had he since changed his mind?

  ‘Jake?’ Unable to remain silent, or stay still any longer, she rose to her feet, her grip on the crumpled note in her hand lessening just a little, knowing that whatever happened now she would definitely show it to him.

  He turned towards her, the bright glare of the lights above his head making his straight dark gold hair gleam as fiercely as she had ever seen it. His deep blue gaze grew wary. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘About—about Saskia’s Christmas present list.’

  ‘You were right. She asked for very little.’

  ‘Yes, she did. But, Jake, there was—there was another request that she made.’

  ‘I know.’ His blue eyes glittered, and amid the hurt Ailsa saw conveyed there she was certain she glimpsed anger too.

  ‘You do? How do you know?’

  ‘How do you think? I was with her all afternoon and she mentioned it to me—wanted to know if we’d read her note while we were in England together. Before I could admit that we hadn’t, because we were saving it until we arrived here, she asked me whether we were seriously considering what she’d asked and if we agreed—whether we were going to make it happen in time for Christmas? I guessed then that it had something to do with us getting back together.’

  ‘Oh, God …’

  The note curled inside her fist seemed to be on fire now and, feeling almost faint with anxiety, Ailsa unfurled
it and held it out to Jake.

  He took it, briefly read the contents written in bright blue pencil, sighed, and then left it on the steel counter behind him. ‘That’s quite some request,’ he drawled.

  ‘I know,’ Ailsa agreed, her breathing feeling tight and constricted in her chest.

  She’d promised herself she would face everything—but now, when it came down to it, she was terrified that Jake might say it simply wasn’t going to happen … that it was an altogether impossible notion and the sooner they told Saskia that her heartfelt wish wasn’t going to come true—not in time for Christmas nor in fact at any other time in the future—the better it would be for all of them.

  ‘Why didn’t you show me this straight away, when we were in the car travelling to my mother’s? You gave me the other note.’

  ‘Maybe I should have done. But I was worried that you might …’ Running her hand over her long hair, she made herself return Jake’s steady examining gaze with a firmly fixed one of her own, even if inside she was feeling anything but steady. ‘I thought that it might make you feel pressurised in some way—trapped, even.’

  ‘Couldn’t you let me be the judge of that?’

  Alisa flinched guiltily. ‘I’m sorry. But, although Saskia means the world to us, I didn’t want you to feel that you should agree to her request simply to make her happy. You deserve to be happy too, Jake … I want you to do the thing that’s best for you. And if that means you prefer to have the freedom of being a single man, or ultimately that you want to be with someone else, there’ll never be any blame or bitterness in my heart towards you. I promise you that.’

  ‘You mean you’d just let me walk out on you like I did before?’

  As the words he uttered in his rich, low voice registered in her brain, Ailsa stared at the striking-looking man in front of her in shock. Moving her head from side to side, she barely managed to swallow down the anguished sob that was so close to breaking free. ‘I let you walk out because I believed I had nothing more to offer you. And it was near killing me to see you so unhappy.’

  ‘It was a dark time. I don’t think either of us was in our right mind.’

  ‘You’re right—we weren’t. Who would be after such a shattering thing? But if you—if by some miracle you did decide you want to stay with me … to try and rekindle what we once had before things became difficult … you do know I can’t bear you any more children? I can’t give you the son you always wanted?’

  The silence that followed this declaration crackled with the most unbearable tension. But then Jake spoke, and the cramping in the pit of her stomach started to ease a little.

  ‘You gave me a daughter, Ailsa … a beautiful, bright girl with sunshine in her hair and laughter in her eyes … and you gave me a son. Thomas might not have survived, but he’s still my son and I’ll never forget him. Do you honestly believe that the only reason I wanted to be with you was so that you could give me children and not simply because I—?’

  He was suddenly in front of her, his hands urging Ailsa’s trembling body hard against his. She thought she would melt from the sheer wonderful contact alone but it was what he was trying to say to her that ensured she was utterly rapt.

  ‘Because … what, Jake?’ she whispered.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ‘CAN’T you guess? Don’t you know?’

  If his heart pounded any harder Jake was sure it would leap right out of his chest. It wasn’t exactly easy to think straight about anything when those bewitching amber eyes were all but making him quake with the need to hold her and kiss her, to quench the thirst for her taste that he never seemed to be free of.

  ‘I love you, Ailsa. I’ve never stopped loving you and I never will. When you kept Saskia’s note from me I was afraid you were totally against the possibility of us reconciling—else why not show it to me? That’s why I was so morose on the journey home.’

  ‘Jake, I’ve never stopped loving you either … even when I agreed to the divorce. I’ve since learned that real love isn’t something that dies—even when tragedy hits like it hit us. It endures even in the face of tragedy.’

  She settled her exquisitely soft palms either side of his face as she spoke, and he was suffused with joy at hearing the words he’d never thought to hear her say again.

  ‘I didn’t want us to part,’ she continued tenderly, her amber gaze glistening. ‘How could I when the very idea was like being threatened with a living death? I lost our baby, then I lost you, my love.’

  ‘I was confused and desperate to ease the heartache for us both when I asked you for a divorce. But if I thought it would make things easier then I must have been crazy. I don’t know about you, but I was even more tormented when we couldn’t be together.’

  Covering one of the gentle hands that cupped his face with his own, he turned his mouth towards her palm and pressed his lips there. The rush of not only pleasure but soaring hope that washed over him at the touch of her velvet-smooth skin beneath his lips almost made him lose his bearings for a moment.

  ‘When I saw you again I knew straight away that my feelings hadn’t diminished in any way since we’d parted. They’d grown stronger, in fact. When your farmer friend showed up I wanted to hit him for daring to presume he could have what was mine. If that makes me sound jealous and possessive then I make no apology for it. Not now—not ever! Sometimes I think I might die from wanting you, Ailsa. I certainly don’t need a miracle to make me decide to come back to you. Marry me. Marry me as soon as we can arrange it. I don’t just want to live with you. I don’t just want you to be my companion and lover. I want you to be my wife.’

  ‘Do you think—? Do you think I could—?’

  ‘What?’ Impatience and a frisson of old fear unsteadied his voice. ‘Do you have doubts? If so, tell me what they are so I can reassure you.’

  For answer her arms came around his waist and, standing on tiptoe, she planted a firm, arousing, near-incendiary kiss on Jake’s mouth that was clearly designed not just to stop him talking, but to prevent him from thinking altogether. Now it wasn’t fear that unsteadied him but desire hotter than the coals in a blacksmith’s fire. He just about suppressed a groan. To add to his torment, Ailsa levelled a mischievous grin up into his eyes. It illuminated a face that in his opinion was already beyond merely beautiful. He felt as if he was looking straight at the most wondrous view he could ever hope to see.

  ‘I was only going to ask if I could move my things into your room tonight. Would that be all right?’

  ‘What things do you think you’re going to need, baby?’ Burying his hands in her hair, he stole a long, leisurely hot kiss. When he lifted his head again, he saw with primal male satisfaction the immediate effect of his passionate caress. Her lips were tantalisingly damp, and a little swollen too, and her golden eyes shone brighter than stars. ‘You’re certainly not going to need any clothes. At least not until tomorrow’s lunchtime.’

  ‘Does that mean we’re going to stay in bed until then?’

  ‘Damn right, we are.’

  ‘In that case, do you think we might bypass the coffee and simply go straight there now?’

  He would have happily demonstrated his intense delight at such an enticing request if the little minx hadn’t laid her finger across his lips so that she could continue talking without interruption.

  ‘Oh, and in answer to your proposal … I would love to marry you. You and me … we were meant to be together, Jake. I see that now. You asked me about doubts. I can honestly tell you I don’t have any at all. Instead I have hopes … lots and lots of hopes for us, my love.’

  The full moon shone through the uncurtained window, illuminating the fascinating planes and hollows and sculpted firmness of the masculine face that still had such extraordinary power to enthral her—in spite of what some might judge a cruelly disfiguring scar. To Ailsa that scar would always be heroic, and it didn’t mar the man she was going to remarry in any way. Only those with eyes that couldn’t really see beyond the s
urface would call his face anything less than beautiful.

  She pushed back the lock of tarnished gold hair that so often flopped onto his indomitable brow … just because she could. She had the immediate satisfaction of seeing Jake’s arresting blue eyes darken hungrily. Sitting astride his muscular lean body in the bedroom’s plush king-sized bed, with its sensuous silk sheets, she thought she might die from the sheer happiness that welled inside her heart. To be this close to him again—to be intimate without keeping her guard up because she knew she could trust him beyond any other person in her life—was beyond happiness to her. Her mouth already tingled and throbbed from his devouring kisses, and her body ached in so many delicious places from his tirelessly passionate attentions. In his arms, she’d had the great good fortune to visit another dizzying galaxy twice now, and still Jake clearly had no intention of making that enough. Now she ached to deliver some pleasure exclusively for him.

  His hand snapped round her wrist as she moved to disengage her body from his. ‘What are you trying to do to me?’ he growled in protest. ‘Can’t you see I’m on fire for you?’

  ‘I’m not going far, I promise. I just want to … I just want to …’

  Sliding down his body—a body that was well made and fit enough to make any woman crave touching it, whether experienced in the arts of love or not—she started kissing him … beginning with the pink-tipped flat male nipples that were outlined by fine curling tiny gold hairs. The heady mix of musky flavours was like nectar on her tongue. Following her own specially constructed path across his chest and ribcage down over his taut stomach—a path designed to give her lover maximum pleasure and to build the already great tension in him higher and higher—Ailsa used her velvet tongue to the most provocative effect her imagination could devise. She kissed his hard, honed flesh all the way down to his belly button and beyond—to the fine column of dark gold hair that trailed to the place where she had joined her body so ecstatically with his, so that they could be as one … just as she knew their hearts and souls had always been a part of each other.