Worth the Chance

by Vi Keeland

  Eventually I grow a pair and knock on the door. Liv answers and smiles, she looks genuinely happy to see me. Can I be that big of an idiot that I’m seeing what I want to see? Her smile disappears when she takes in my face.

  “What’s wrong?” Her voice is laced with concern.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Of course.” She steps aside, and quietly closes the door behind me.

  I can’t even muster up small talk, I get right into it, not two feet inside her apartment. “Summer came to see me.”

  Liv’s jaw tenses and I pray it’s jealousy and not nervousness, but I can’t tell. “Okaaaay.” She draws the word out slowly.

  “She said you’re working on another story about me. Is it true?” I look right into her eyes as I speak. Her reaction tears me in two. It rips my heart out and stomps it on the god damn ground. She doesn’t respond. I begin to lose my patience. And my ability to control myself.

  “Answer me!” I yell loudly. She jumps, my angry voice taking her by surprise.

  “It’s not what you think,” she whispers. Tears fill her eyes.

  “Answer the fucking question, Liv.” My eyes bore into hers. She stares blankly back at me, no response. “Answer the FUCKING QUESTION!”

  “Yes…but...”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I stop her before she finishes. The adrenaline pumps through my body, unclenching my balled up fists, I run my fingers anxiously through my hair. I feel like a lion in a cage, only there’s no restraints holding me here, not physical ones anyway.

  “I’m sorry.” The waterworks turn on. “I never meant for you to find out this way. I was trying to protect you.”

  Years of letdowns leave my mind trained to jump to protective mode, my hurt turns to anger. “I don’t need anyone to protect me.” Breathing labored, I seethe at her. “I don’t need you to protect me.”

  “You don’t understand.” She should be an actress, she’s so god damn good at this. Her face looks pained and her body trembles as the tears roll down her face.

  “No, Liv, that’s where you’re wrong. I finally do understand. You’re just like the rest of them.” My maniacal laugh scaring even me, I need to get the hell out of here before I do something I’ll regret. I reach for the door, yank it open so hard it almost tears from the hinges, and turn back. “You could have just told me you wanted to take it out in trade. I probably would have agreed to it anyway, I wanted to fuck you so badly.” I lean down, my face in hers, so close I hear her breaths as she silently sobs. “At least the other whores are up front when they use me.” It takes every bit of willpower to walk out the door. But I do. And I don’t look back.

  ***

  So much for my dedication, I walk into the gym three hours late and hungover. Maybe even still a little drunk from the night before. Or was it this morning when I stopped drinking? I have no idea, since I smashed my clock. And my phone. And a whole bunch of other shit when I flipped my dresser in my last drunken tirade.

  “Where the hell have you been?” Nico scolds the minute I get past the front desk.

  “Out.”

  “You don’t answer your phone?”

  “It broke.” When I threw it against the fucking wall.

  “This have anything to do with the girl I saw come in last night?” Nico questions disapprovingly.

  “Yeah, but it’s not what you think.”

  “Listen to me.” Nico stands before me, putting one hand on each shoulder. “You’re too close to screw this up. Whatever’s going on, deal with it quick or tap it down. There’s no time for games.”

  “Got it,” I growl through clenched teeth. “I was a little late, don’t blow it up into something more.” I push his hands off my shoulders.

  Brows furrowed, eyes squinting, Nico assesses me. “Go do five miles, clear your head. Then we’ll start.”

  ***

  Half an hour later, the remnants of last night’s alcohol sweated out through my pores, my buzz has turned into the start of a rip-roaring headache. Although the pain feels good. I strap on my headgear and climb into the ring where Alex waits for me. He’s one of my sparring partners, but he thinks he’s better than he is and he doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. Today I’m in no god damn mood for his mouth.

  Jumping up and down a few times to get my blood pumping, I wait as Alex clasps his own headgear. “That your new woman I saw come in last night?”

  “No.” I answer shortly, hoping he’ll take the hint. No such damn luck.

  “You still seeing that other one? The writer?” I throw a one-two jab combination, which he catches, but barely.

  “No.” The simple one syllable word burns my throat as I speak it.

  Alex grins, even his smile at my response pisses me off, although it’s his words that send me over the edge. “If you’re done, can I get her number? What an ass on that one.”

  Like a bull being taunted, I see red. My body full of testosterone and mind angry, nothing could stop me. I take him down in one punch he didn’t even see coming. So full of rage, it takes me over, possessing me past the point of no return as I pound blow after forceful blow straight into his face while he’s pinned to the mat. By the time the four guys trying to wrestle me off of him are successful, the poor asshole’s face is a bloody mess.

  The half full gym backs away from me, no one dares come within twenty feet. Except Nico. Fucker never did know when to keep his distance.

  “You done? Hope you enjoyed yourself, because you aren’t going to be able to lift your arms by the time I’m done putting you through the ringer today.” He pauses, taking a step closer to me, standing nose to nose. “Get your ass to the bag. Twelve three-minute strike rounds. One minute between. Max.”

  ***

  Any normal fighter, even one in the most pristine shape, would be soaking in a hot tub after the intensity of the workout Nico ran me through today. But not me. Adrenaline still pumping wildly through my veins like a current through wire, I head back out on my bike after a quick shower. I need to stop thinking. Need to forget. Stop feeling for a little while. It’s been a while since I went GIMP trolling, but not long enough to forget what I need to clear my head. A little power fucking till I can’t see straight ought to do the trick.

  Stopping at the light, I look up at the looming building towering over me as I settle my feet to the ground to wait. Daily Sun Times. The urge to run my bike through the plate glass window is so strong, I have to fight myself to stay in place. Something burns a hole in my front pocket, itching at me from the depths of my mind, till I dig in and pull out a card with an address scribbled on it. Summer Langley. I turn left instead of heading straight.

  She answers the door with only a skimpy robe and a smile, and steps aside for me to enter. No words are exchanged, although I know the smile well. She may look classier, have more window dressing than the average GIMP down at Flannigan’s, yet she’s the same nonetheless. Has no idea who I am, doesn’t even want to try to find out. Prefers the idea of me in her mind to the reality. Usually I’m more than happy to play the game. But tonight…tonight I’m here to get what I need.

  ***

  Exhausted from lack of sleep, my body desperate for rest, I pry myself from the bed against the protest of every aching muscle in my arms and legs. I’m sure Nico thinks I’m gonna no-show today, be too weak to train after the rigor he put my body through yesterday, but I’m too stubborn to give him the satisfaction of thinking he’s right. So I take an extra ten minutes in the shower, allowing the scalding hot water to run over my aches, before I head out early. I need to stop and check in on the only other woman that I’ve allowed to cause me real pain.

  Grabbing for the door knob, it turns before I put the key in. Not a good sign. When she’s wasted she’s careless with her own self-preservation. I’m surprised to find her awake and alert, sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette. A full ashtray in front of her. Not her usual two dirtbags sitting opposite her on the couch, the dynamic duo is back. Thes
e two look better than most, but looks can be deceiving. They’re more trouble than anything she’s ever gotten herself into before.

  The shorter of the two, the one that does most of the talking, spots me first. He opens his jacket ever so slightly, silently reminding me of who’s in charge before I can even open my mouth.

  “What’s going on, Ma?” The room is so quiet, I hear the draw she takes on the cigarette. She’s smoked it so low she’s inhaling the filter, not far off from burning her fingers.

  Closing her eyes, she smiles at me. It’s a face that apologizes at the same time it tells me she’s glad I’m here. “They found Jason.”

  Exhaling a deep breath, I feel a small sense of relief. Although it doesn’t last long.

  “Dead. Overdose,” the gun carrying drug dealer says to me stoically.

  Great, just fucking great. I hang on for dear life, desperately needing someone…anyone…to catch the lifeline I’m throwing out. “The drugs or cash happen to turn up next to the body?”

  Slowly, he shakes his head back and forth in silence.

  Of course not, what was I thinking? This is my life, land of the ‘I don’t fucking believe this shit’ for the last twenty odd years. “So what now? You’re out 200 K.” I look to my mom who watches me and I see her wince at my next words. “You kill her, you’re still out 200 K. Gets you nothing, except now you gotta watch over your shoulder every minute of every day. Because I’ll snap your neck when you least expect it.” I stare unwavering into the eyes of a man that has killed before.

  It’s a funny thing that happens when you feel like you have nothing else to lose. Everything that you say cuts right to the chase. No more taking time to deliberate, think about how to cushion your words. Because you don’t give a flying fuck what someone thinks anymore.

  Eyes locked, me and the drug dealing boss stare at each other for long minutes, neither one of us cracking, not a flinch between us. Then he stands and what looks like a real smile crosses his face and he chuckles while he shakes his head. “I really like you kid. You’re either crazier than I thought you were, or you got balls made of titanium.” He slips the sunglasses from where they are hooked on his shirt and positions them over his eyes. “Think it might be a little of both.” He pauses. “So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m not gonna kill your mother. I give you my word on that.” His smile widens. “But I’m gonna cut off a few fingers, maybe even some toes just for the fun of it. Then I’m gonna blind her. And fuck her up so badly that she’ll wish she was dead. But she won’t be. She’ll live. And the burden for taking care of the mess that remains every day for the rest of her life…that’ll be on you.”

  My hands ball into fists at my sides and I watch his eyes drop to see I’m just about to blow. The taller guy stands and moves to his side, a silent declaration of support. “But like I said kid, I like you. And I don’t want that to happen. So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna place some big bets. And you’re gonna lose that fight next week.” He nods his head. “Then we’ll call it even.”

  One hand on his waistband, holding what’s beneath his shirt, he walks to me and places a hand on my shoulder. “Got that?”

  And then they’re gone.

  Chapter 48

  Liv

  I don’t want to cry anymore. Sitting on the couch with Ally, I rehash everything in my head for the thousandth time, only this time I speak my thoughts aloud. Finally. Two days curled up in the fetal position alternating between crying and sleeping scared her. Scared me. I feel bad for making her worry. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought losing a man would affect me so profoundly. Although Vinny’s not any man, and the loss affects me deeply. I finally own up to why.

  “I’m in love with him, Ally.” A trail of dried tears stains my face, my eyes puffy and nose Rudolph red against my pale skin. Perhaps the well has run dry, I’m ready to talk now, words without tears.

  “It really took you this long to figure that out?” she questions, half joking. I guess deep down I knew it all along, only I was afraid to admit it. Afraid I would get hurt again if I gave him my heart. Irony is a funny thing.

  “I’m not even sure where I went wrong. It started off innocently enough. I admit, at first the thought of trading his story for my dream job was tempting. May have even thought I could do it, I wanted the job so damn badly. But the more time I spent with him, the harder I fell. Then I talked myself into things to avoid dealing with it. For a while there, I actually had myself believing it wasn’t true. That I could be the superhero, prove the truth to the paper, kill the story, and get the guy in the end.”

  I laugh at how ridiculous it sounds to even say the words aloud. “By the time I finally admitted to myself that the story was true, I couldn’t bring myself to crush him by telling him what I was assigned to do. Every day it just got harder to come clean, yet I fell deeper at the same time.”

  “You need to tell him, Liv.”

  I smile at my best friend. She’s always there for me, I appreciate she’s trying to help. But she didn’t see him. That ship has sailed. “I wish it was that easy, Ally.”

  “So what are you going to do, sit here and let him walk out of your life? Again.”

  “I don’t know, Al, I’m not sure there is anything I can do at this point to change things. You didn’t see him.”

  ***

  After another restless night of sleep, I wake feeling like a freight train ran me over. Then backed up. And ran me over again. Physical ailing aside, at least morning brings me some semblance of clarity.

  “Morning, sunshine.” Ally smiles at me as she retrieves her toast from the toaster, burning her finger in the process. Bringing her finger to her mouth, her usual first aid treatment, she asks, “How are you feeling?”

  “Like crap.”

  She smiles. “You look like crap too.”

  Leave it to Ally to make me laugh. “Thanks, friend.”

  “No problem.” She grabs out a plate and tosses her half burnt toast in the general vicinity. “Want me to make you toast?”

  “Ummm…no thanks. I’ll get something on my way.”

  She arches her eyebrows in surprise. “You’re going out?”

  “I’m going to see Delilah.”

  “Vince’s mother?”

  “Yep.”

  “Why?”

  Pouring my morning coffee into a to go cup, I head toward the door. “I have no idea. I just need to talk to her.”

  ***

  I manage to find my way back to Delilah’s, which is a feat, considering I’ve only been there once and my propensity for getting lost. She looks exhausted and stressed, although after hearing Vinny talk about her, I’m grateful that she seems to be sober.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Of course, is everything okay?” Stepping aside, Delilah looks past me, expecting someone to be with me.

  “Everything’s fine. Well, no. That’s not true. Everything isn’t fine. Vinny is fine. Well, I mean he isn’t hurt or anything,” I stammer. Nice job playing it cool, Olivia, real cool. I mentally roll my eyes at myself.

  “I know what you mean.” Her shoulders slump in defeat. “He was here earlier.”

  Jesus, I hadn’t even thought of that. What if I’d come by and he was here, or walked in while I was sitting talking to his mother? I’m not even sure why I’ve come…there’s no way I could have explained myself to him. Surely he’d think I was working, trying to glam more for my story.

  “Is he upset?”

  “Angry. He’s very angry.” Tears well up in her eyes. “All I’ve ever done to that boy was let him down. I just know I’m going to lose him for what I’ve gotten him into this time.”

  “I’m afraid I’ve lost him already.” I look at his frail mother. Time has not been kind. She looks older than her years, not healthy, way too thin. We come from different places, yet the two of us have a bond in the moment. Two women, loving and hurting the same man. A lone tear falls, I don’t have the energy to even t
ry to stop it. I’m just so emotionally drained.

  “Oh no. I’m sorry honey, I didn’t realize you two were having trouble.” Reaching over, she gently takes my hand into hers, “I saw the way he looked at you. Whatever happened, I’m sure you can fix it.”

  “I’m not sure he can forgive me.”

  “Forgive you? What could you possibly have done?”

  I guess he didn’t tell her that I was the reason he found out in such an awful way the truth about his father. “It’s a long story.” I exhale loudly. “But I was the writer assigned to write the story about his real father.”

  “His what?” Her already pasty face goes stark white, every bit of color disappearing almost instantly.

  I spend the next hour telling her everything. Spilling my heart out. The Senator, Jax, the fight, the newspaper. All of it. I leave no stone unturned in my confession. I’d thought she just didn’t know about my role in the story, but it turned out, she didn’t know any part of the story. After the shock of her dark past comes to light, she looks sad, yet something in her also screams relief. Carrying around such a big secret for twenty-five years had to have been difficult.

  “But I’m confused, if you didn’t know about the secret coming out, why were you so concerned about losing Vinny?”

  “I dragged him into something horrible. There was this guy I trusted. I introduced him to some bad people…” She trails off.

  “Jason?”

  She nods and does her best attempt at a smile. “Well, they found him.”

  “That’s great.” Might be the first piece of good news I’ve heard in days.

  “Not exactly.”

  For the next hour, it’s her turn. She fills me in on what they’ve been through the last two days. I feel sick thinking of the choice before Vinny. As if what I’ve done to him isn’t bad enough. He’s now forced to give up the one thing that he probably feels like he can control. The thing he has worked so hard for all these years. My heart that I thought was already broken beyond repair shatters into a million little pieces.