The Christmas Angel

by Thomas Kinkade

  “Don’t worry,” Dan said. “Your sister will understand.”

  “Yes, she does.” Jessica had been a great support ever since Emily had taken in the baby. She had already told Emily not to give it a thought; she and Sam would understand if Emily and Dan didn’t make the party.

  Emily lifted Jane to her shoulder with a practiced motion. “What if Nadine calls today? She might, you know.”

  “I don’t think we’ll hear anything more until after Christmas. So many offices are closed,” he said reasonably. “But I understand. I don’t feel much in the mood for a party either. Let’s have a quiet night here, just the three of us.”

  “I’ll make a nice dinner,” she promised.

  “Where are you going to get takeout from, hon? Willoughby’s?” he teased.

  Emily made a face at him, and he laughed, then pulled her close for a comforting hug.

  Emily appreciated Dan’s understanding. She had been trying to prepare herself for the inevitable call, but she knew that no amount of preparation would make her truly ready.

  This is all my doing, she realized. Everybody warned me, and I went ahead and set myself up for all this heartache.

  But when she held Jane in her arms, she knew that, given a chance to decide all over again, she would have done exactly the same thing.

  The phone rang late that afternoon. Emily, who was sitting in the kitchen with Jane in her arms, nearly jumped out of the chair. It rang once, twice. Emily couldn’t decide if she should answer it or let the machine pick up. Where was Dan? Couldn’t he be the one to get the bad news first?

  Finally, not able to stand it a second longer, she got up and grabbed the receiver.

  “Hello?” she said, her heart hammering.

  “Jessica? You don’t sound yourself. Are you coming down with a cold? I really need to know because I can’t afford to be catching all kinds of germs at my age, Christmas or not.”

  Emily reeled back at the sound of her mother’s voice then forced herself to speak. “It isn’t Jessica, Mother. It’s Emily.”

  “Emily? What are you doing over there? I thought you weren’t coming to the party.”

  Emily sighed and shook her head. She hadn’t spoken a word to her mother since their scene in the church sanctuary almost three weeks ago. Now, being greeted by this “Who’s on first?” routine felt absurd, but somehow not surprising.

  “I’m at home, Mother. My home,” Emily said with a calmness she didn’t really feel. “You apparently dialed the wrong number.”

  “Oh, I see. It must be that new phone you picked out for me with the autodial. It doesn’t work right, never did.”

  Naturally, Lillian couldn’t even admit to having dialed a wrong number. It had to be the phone.

  There was a long silence. Emily felt she should say something. After all, it was Christmas Eve; she ought to at least try to make amends with her mother. She had felt guilty not speaking to her these past few weeks, though she had kept up on her through Jessica’s reports. Lillian hadn’t called and Emily hadn’t called her. Even though Lillian was the one at fault, Emily knew she ought to now turn the other cheek. That was the right thing to do.

  Somehow, though, she just couldn’t.

  The baby squirmed and let out a little whimper.

  “What was that?” her mother said. “Oh right, the abandoned baby.” She gave a slight cough. “Your sister told me a relative may have been located. You might have to give the child up.”

  “Yes, we’re waiting to hear,” Emily said honestly.

  “Well, I won’t say I told you so. No good deed goes unpunished, though. Did you ever hear that expression?”

  “No, I don’t think so,” Emily said.

  “Well, think about it. The next time you try to run out and save the world, I mean.” Her mother paused. Emily was about to say good-bye and hang up. “I’m sure you’ve done a good job caring for her, but the child should go to family if possible. It’s only natural and logical.”

  Logical perhaps, Emily thought, but somehow not entirely right.

  When Emily didn’t reply, she heard her mother noisily clearing her throat. “I’m sure it will be hard to give the child up, after all the time and emotion you’ve invested.”

  “Yes, it will be. Very hard.” Emily knew her words sounded thick, but she fought very hard not to cry.

  She waited again, wondering if her mother was going to apologize for her outburst at the church.

  Her mother sighed. “There’s a price for loving, Emily. Sometimes it’s very steep. But you know that already, I imagine.” Her mother’s voice trailed off, sounding as if she was talking mainly to herself. “Well, I won’t see you tonight. I won’t wish you a Merry Christmas. I’m sure you won’t be having one. Try to be realistic. Face the situation bravely,” she advised.

  “All right, Mother. Thanks for the advice.” Emily’s tone was edged with irony, but she also knew her mother was sincere, trying to offer some support. What she could, at any rate.

  “Have a good time tonight,” Emily added.

  “Good time? With all that noise? All those children? You should see the way they go at the gifts, like a pack of piranhas in a feeding frenzy. That’s hardly my idea of a relaxing holiday get-together.”

  As Emily well knew. Lillian’s notion of celebration was so refined, it was hard to tell there even was a holiday going on.

  “Good night, Emily. Give my regards to your husband,” Lillian said. Emily thanked her and said good night, then hung up the phone.

  She looked down at Jane and slowly rocked her in her arms. It wasn’t the call she expected, and her mother hadn’t even come close to apologizing. Then again, Lillian never would. At least Emily and her mother were on speaking terms again. That was one less worry hanging over her head as Christmas quickly approached.

  ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, EMILY AND DAN GOT UP EARLY AND opened some of their gifts. Emily opened Jane’s packages, too, oohing and ahhing with delight over all the beautiful presents so many friends and relatives had given her.

  Sara had picked out a box full of clothes—amazing, arty creations. Tiny purple leopard-skin stretch pants and a purple and black tunic top. A hot pink hooded sweater, trimmed with white fur, with little white ears on top. And most amazing of all, matching hot pink high-tops.

  “Look Dan,” Emily held up the sneakers. “Jane can shoot baskets with you now.”

  “As soon as the snow clears,” Dan said, laughing at the fantastic little shoes.

  They dressed quickly for church and made it right on time. They were getting better at this, Emily observed, noticing how they packed up all the necessary equipment without too much fuss and bother.

  The sanctuary was crowded, with just about every pew filled. The choir was singing a lively carol, their voices blending in harmony. Emily felt her spirit lifted by the music as she and Dan found a place in a rear row. Looking up front, she saw her sister and Sam, along with her two nephews and her mother, sitting with Dr. Elliot, who only came to church on Christmas and Easter.

  “Merry Christmas, everyone,” Reverend Ben greeted the congregation. “It’s a wonderful day, Christmas Day. A day of miracles and fresh, new beginnings. Let us come together now and worship, rejoicing in God’s word.”

  Emily tried to pay close attention to the service, but her thoughts kept drifting. She had been praying long and often the past few days, trying to give her problem up to God and asking only for the best outcome for Jane. It had been difficult though—nearly impossible.

  Deep in her heart she felt she wasn’t being totally sincere. Couldn’t God see that? Did her prayers still count? She hoped they did. She hoped God was at least seeing that she was trying to do the right thing.

  Ultimately, though, she couldn’t change her real feelings about giving up the baby, not even for God, it seemed.

  Reverend Ben was partway through his sermon. She realized she had missed some of the beginning. He was talking about the miracle of Christmas, about sp
iritual rebirth and renewal.

  “. . . and if you have ever been around small children—and most of us have at one point or another—then you know what I mean. Children have a way of making you feel new. Especially small children, babies, who are experiencing everything in this beautiful world for the first time. And watching them, we vicariously do, too. We rediscover and relearn. We lose our skepticism, our cynicism, our malaise. We see everything with new eyes, through their eyes. We taste and touch and smell everything as if for the first time, and the world seems so astounding, so magical.

  “That’s what Christmas is like. Each year when this day comes, we have the chance to feel new, to start new, like the infant Jesus. To be reborn in God’s love and his promise. That’s the miracle of Christmas. To believe again in miracles. To lose our skepticism and negativity and malaise. To see the world with new eyes, a fresh, energized perspective. To trust in God’s love with the innocent, absolute trust of a child. To feel sheltered and protected in His hands . . .”

  Emily sat in rapt wonder, the words hitting a perfect bull’s-eye somewhere in her heart. That was the gift Jane had given her, both her and Dan. Jane had made them new again. She had refreshed and renewed their spirits. That was the magic of having a little baby. If there was some purpose in God’s having sent Jane into their lives, maybe that was at the heart of it.

  It would be hard to remain in this state without her, Emily reflected. But she would try.

  At the end of the service, they drifted out toward the sanctuary. “Any news yet?” Reverend Ben asked them as they met him in the doorway.

  “No, not yet.” Emily tried to smile and shook her head.

  “Still waiting,” Dan added.

  “Please call me when you hear something. I’d like to know.” Reverend Ben hugged Emily briefly. “Have a peaceful, blessed Christmas,” he said to them.

  “Thank you, Reverend. We will call you,” Dan promised.

  Emily swallowed hard. She didn’t know what to say. She met Reverend Ben’s gaze and somehow knew he understood her feelings perfectly.

  Out in the sanctuary, they were immediately surrounded by family and friends. Jessica came up and hugged her tightly.

  “Merry Christmas, Emily. Oh . . . I know it isn’t a happy one for you, though. How are you holding up?”

  “I’m doing all right, as well as can be expected.”

  “Here, let me have Jane a minute.” Jessica reached over and took the baby. She lifted her up in her arms and snuggled her, cheek to cheek. “Look at that pretty little dress. You look like a princess,” Jessica cooed to her.

  It was a beautiful dress, burgundy velvet with lace on the hem, sleeves, and collar. A matching lace headband with a velvet rose completed the ensemble, along with tiny patent leather shoes. Emily had bought it at a boutique in Newburyport. Price seemed no object when it came to Jane.

  “I’m sorry we couldn’t come last night,” Emily apologized.

  “That’s all right.” Jessica shook her head. “We understand. I made a big tray of leftovers for you. You won’t have to cook for a week.”

  “Thanks, Jess. That was sweet of you.”

  Emily knew she would be in such a state next week, she probably wouldn’t be able to cook or even eat.

  Emerging from the crowd, she noticed Sam leading her mother toward them. Emily was glad now that they had spoken yesterday, even though it had been by accident. Afterward, she had wondered if her mother’s calling her number had really been an accident at all. Maybe it was her subconscious taking control, or even a ploy. Though, of course, Lillian would never admit to either.

  “So here we all are.” Her mother sniffed and looked around, obviously trying to be on her best behavior. “I’d wish you a happy Christmas, Emily, but I know that’s hardly the case.”

  “Thank you, Mother . . . for your consideration.”

  Lillian glanced at her but didn’t answer. She looked over at Jane, who sat comfortably in Jessica’s arms. “Nice dress. That must have cost a pretty penny, especially these days. Reminds me of one I had for you, Emily, smocking on top, lace collar, all handmade. You were just that age. What a coincidence.”

  “I suppose,” Emily said. Leave it to her mother to make more fuss over the dress than the child wearing it.

  Dan soon joined them and they talked for a while. Jessica invited them to come over later for a quiet dinner with just the close family, but once again, Emily and Dan begged off.

  “If you change your mind and want some company, just give us a call.” Jessica’s expression was full of warmth and concern as she leaned over and hugged Emily good-bye. “Let us know if you hear anything?”

  “I will,” Emily said, hugging her sister back. “You’ll be the very first.”

  Back at home, Jane went down for a nap and Emily cleared up the piles of wrapping paper and boxes littering the living room. She had a nap herself, though she had gone to bed early the night before and knew she shouldn’t feel so tired. It was the stress of all this waiting, she thought.

  That evening, she set the table with their best china and crystal, even though it was only for herself and Dan. She didn’t want to ignore the holiday altogether, and trying to make things nice provided some distraction. She made a filet mignon roast, with string beans, mushrooms, and a special potato recipe she had gotten from Jessica. The meal was one of Dan’s favorites, and despite his teasing, it came out just right.

  They had just sat down to dinner and were saying grace when the phone rang. Emily felt her heart skip a beat, but Dan kept tight hold of her hand. “Don’t get up. Let the machine get it. We just started dinner.”

  She looked up at him for a moment, about to agree, then jumped up out of her seat. “Sorry, I have to go see who it is,” she called over her shoulder as she ran into the kitchen.

  She heard a woman’s voice murmuring on the answering machine, but she didn’t recognize it. She grabbed at the phone and greeted the caller breathlessly.

  “Emily, I didn’t think you were there,” Nadine Preston said.

  “I’m here.” Emily tried to catch her breath but now her heartbeat raced. “We were just starting dinner.”

  “Oh, sorry to interrupt.”

  “No, that’s okay. I guess this must be important if you’re calling on Christmas.”

  “Yes . . . it is.”

  Emily felt so light headed all of a sudden, she thought she might pass out. She sat down quickly in a chair, her hands shaking. She hadn’t realized, but Dan had followed her. He stood behind her with his hands pressed solidly to her shoulders.

  “We did not find anyone related to Jane,” Nadine said. “I can’t tell you much more than that, only that the information we had didn’t lead to an appropriate guardian. The investigation isn’t officially closed yet, but it will be shortly and Jane will be available for adoption.”

  Emily gripped the phone so hard, her hand shook. “She will? Do you really think so?”

  “Yes, Emily. I wouldn’t tell you if I thought it was in doubt. It will just take a few days more for the paperwork to go through. How do you and Dan feel about that?”

  “Thrilled . . . overjoyed . . .” She suddenly remembered Dan standing behind her and realized she shouldn’t speak for both of them. “I need to tell Dan about this,” she said hurriedly. “Can we talk tomorrow?”

  “Yes, of course. Call me at the home number or on my cell phone. I’m taking a few days off to be with my family.”

  “Good for you. Have a good holiday, Nadine. Thanks for calling. Merry Christmas!” Emily said in an ecstatic rush.

  “Same to you, Emily. Same to you.”

  Emily hung up the phone and turned to Dan, who watched her with a questioning expression.

  “I can guess from your reaction, Nadine didn’t say social services was taking the baby any time soon.”

  “She said a relative wasn’t found and that they’re closing the investigation. Jane will be free to be adopted in a few days, after all the pape
rwork goes through.”

  She felt breathless again, waiting and watching for his reaction. “Isn’t that great news?” she prodded him.

  Dan swallowed hard. He looked stunned, she thought, like he was processing the news slowly. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad sign, was it?

  “I don’t know what to say, Emily. It seems like a mixed blessing to me.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked incredulously. “It’s just what I’ve been hoping for, praying for. I don’t see anything mixed about it. Don’t you want to adopt her?”

  She hadn’t intended to ask him so bluntly. The question had just popped out. But she needed to know. They needed to get this out on the table right now.

  “Emily, this all puts me in a very difficult spot. Sending the child to a relative would have been hard, no question. But it would have been a solution to the problem that I think we both would have been able to live with in time.” Dan paused, pacing across the kitchen. “I don’t think that you could have objected that strongly, when all was said and done, to sending the child to live with her own family. But now . . .” He shook his head, looking confused and upset. “Now we’re forced to sort this out, between us. And I’m sorry, but I know we are not of one mind about this, Emily, though we may be of one heart.”

  Emily sighed. Why did she have to go and marry such an eloquent, intellectual man? It made it all the harder to win an argument.

  “Dan, just think about it,” Emily started off reasonably. “Jane isn’t going to a family member. She’ll be placed with perfect strangers, some couple like us or even not as caring. Why not us, Dan? I know what I promised. I know I said I wouldn’t do this . . . but honestly . . . why not us?”

  He rested his hands on her shoulders. “I know that deal you made, promising we would only keep her as temporary guardians, was a ploy from the start, Emily. Just a scheme to get this baby into the house. And I forgive you for it,” he said tenderly. “How could I not? But I have a more objective perspective on this situation, dear. I’m looking at the bigger picture.”

  “Which is?” she asked quietly.