Better With Ben

by Casey McMillin

  The two couples sat in the bakery for much longer than it took to eat their food. Lots of people knew who Nick was and a few came by to talk to him. He actually recognized two of them and carried on conversations for a minute, but the last person who came by didn't know him at all. The woman just came up and asked if he wouldn't mind taking a picture with her. Nick didn't sing or play like his dad, but Leroy Logan's level of fame made Nick somewhere near the status of Lisa Marie. He was gracious with the fan that came up to the table, but the others just waved or snapped a photo and didn't approach.

  They all got along so great that it was hard for Taylor to refrain from picturing them being together on a regular basis. She truly enjoyed their company, regardless of whether or not Nick was famous. They all shared a similar sense of humor, which is what made it so much fun. All of them knew about the whole crime scene thing, and they talked about it, asking how Taylor was doing. She said it had gotten a lot better, but didn't add that Ben had been the one to help her the most.

  "When did all that go down?" Nick asked.

  Oh, how she wished she could forget it enough to ask a question like that.

  "Two weeks today," she said. "Two weeks ago exactly."

  "That's crazy," Molly said.

  "Believe me," Taylor said smiling. "Crazy is exactly the word I'd use to describe it." She used a finger to poke at her head a couple of times. "It's hard not to let it mess with you." She paused for a second. "That's just something I never thought I'd do. I mean, what are the chances?" She looked at Ben, who was just listening and regarding her with a patient, sweet smile. "I mean, I know it could be worse and everything, it's just such a weird thing to have happen to you that it sort of sticks with you, you know?"

  Molly made a face that said she couldn't imagine. "I'll bet," she said.

  Nick asked about her cast and Taylor said that if all goes well it should come off in two weeks. Everyone had a story of a broken bone, whether it was their own, in Ben's case, or a friend's, for both Nick and Molly. All of their stories were funny, and Taylor had a good laugh imagining her arm all pale and shriveled up with a bunch of lent like something you'd see in a SpongeBob cartoon. She knew it wouldn't happen because she'd already gotten really nervous about that exact thing and done some research on it.

  She sat next to Ben at the table, and every time he spoke, she got to stare at him in close range. The lines of his nose and strong jaw contrasting the gentle curve of his lips were enough to drive her mad. She wanted to be with him more than she'd ever wanted to be with another guy in her whole entire life, and wondered what it would take for him to change his mind about not being in the market for a girlfriend. He touched her a few times during lunch, but really hadn't tried to do anything obvious since she sat on that armrest. She wondered if he'd ever try anything again.

  Taylor asked to be dropped off at home when they left the bakery. She told them she needed to get some work done on a couple of upcoming jobs, and being as all three of them liked their work, they understood. She'd been with Ben for the last six or seven hours, and quite honestly his amazingness was just too much to take anymore. She had to get back to reality.

  They all rode in Nick's car, so he drove Taylor home. He was the only one who hadn't been to Taylor's house, but Molly told him right where to go. Nick's car was small, which meant Ben and Taylor were crammed in the backseat. They'd ridden back there on the way to the restaurant, but now that she was even more anxious to touch him, she was thankful for the close quarters.

  Ben put a hand on her thigh about halfway to Taylor's house. She'd been cursing herself for ever sitting on the emmer effing arm of that chair—she was literally aching for him to touch her, and the place where his hand now rested on her leg felt like it could catch fire. She slid a hand onto his, holding it in place; then from the corner of her eye saw the rise and fall of his chest as he took a breath. He cut his eyes over to her and gave her a wry smile. She smiled back, feeling like she wanted his hand to start roaming.

  Nick pulled into her driveway and all she could think was how sad she was that the ride was over. They all offered to walk her inside, but she said she was just going to go in and get straight to work anyway. She got out, thanking them and claiming she'd be in touch and see everyone soon. She didn't hug, kiss, or otherwise say a special goodbye to Ben; she just said goodbye to them as a group and ran inside.

  Taylor did have some work to do, but she didn't do it straight away. For nearly thirty minutes, she just laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything that had happened that day and the night before at Jason's. She really didn't know what to make of her relationship with Ben. There was obviously something there, but trying to understand it was making her brain ache.

  She ended up thinking about herself, and him and them as a them for the rest of the afternoon and into the night. She got some work done of course, but did her fair share of thinking and dreaming about what ifs with Ben.

  By the time she went to bed that night, she had herself convinced that she shouldn't see him anymore. Her plan was to call him the next day and tell him just that.

  Chapter 19

  That evening was a quiet one for Ben and Molly. Nick had plans to go to dinner with one of his friends. He told Molly she was welcome, but she decided to chill at the apartment and rest up for the start of another busy week of beauty school and working at the salon.

  One of the first things she'd asked when Nick left was, "So, what's going on with you and Taylor?"

  "What do you mean?" he asked.

  She scoffed. "What do I mean? Oh, I don't know, could be the fact that you were all over each other."

  "No we weren't," Ben said. "In fact, I have to reign it in because if it were up to me I would be all over her."

  "I'd hate to see what you came up with if you let loose, because you are already insatiable," Molly said, giggling.

  "I just can't help it. I'm trying to stop myself, but I like her. I know what you're saying, though, and I don't want to give her the wrong impression."

  "I think she's already getting the wrong impression, Ben, you were all over each other."

  "You already said that, and we weren't. I wasn't touching her nearly as much as I wanted to."

  "God, Ben, I don't understand what's holding you up. Why don't you just ask her out? She's a great girl."

  He regarded his sister with a frustrated expression that said she was stating the obvious. "I know she's great," he said. "I usually don't have problems keeping my hands off women, and I can't with her, so apparently I understand how great she is." He thought for a second. "Believe me, if I was looking for a girlfriend, she'd be first on the list."

  "Why can't you have a girlfriend?"

  "Because. I already explained that."

  "Well explain it again, because right now I'm having trouble understanding why you torture yourself when we can all tell you want to be with her." She paused. "Did it freak you out when you met her family?"

  "That has nothing to do with it."

  "What if you were looking for a girlfriend? Would it matter?"

  "Would what matter?"

  Molly looked at him with an expression that said he knew good and well what she was talking about, but he still didn't answer.

  "You know what I'm talking about, Ben. Would her family situation matter?"

  "That's not even a question because she's not my girlfriend."

  "Well, you're giving her the wrong impression."

  "Why do you say that?"

  "Because I see the way she looks at you."

  "She looks at me like she likes me. I like her too."

  Molly narrowed her eyes at him. "Ben, don't be an idiot."

  "Well stop fuckin' talking about it then, Molly. I don't know what the hell you want me to say. You want to hear that I like her? Because I do. But that doesn't change the fact that the last fucking thing I need right now is a girlfriend. I'm just starting my new job, which is gonna require continual tra
ining even when I'm not traveling. The last thing I need is some girl asking me questions about where I'm going and giving me a hard time for working. I know that's exactly what you girls do, and I don't have time for it." He paused, and then continued before she could say anything. "She's a nice girl, but I can't have a girlfriend right now. And no, it has nothing to do with her family."

  Molly's expression was unreadable the entire time he spoke. He honestly didn't know what was going to come out of her mouth when she spoke. "I didn't mean to get you all upset," she said. He could tell she was offended by his outburst. "I'm not saying you have to marry her, Ben. I don't care what you do. But know that if you continue to act with her like you have the last two days, she's gonna get the wrong impression." Molly wasn't yelling, but her tone spoke of not wanting to hear any more of his attitude.

  "Thanks," he said, sarcastically. "I made a note of that."

  Ben and Molly didn't talk about Taylor after that. He went to his room for a little while so they could both cool off, but eventually he came out and they were on speaking terms again… they just never spoke of her.

  ****

  Taylor's plan was to call Ben and tell him they couldn't see each other anymore. She'd thought about it all night the night before—losing sleep and everything. It was Monday, and she was working a morning shift at Common Grounds, but she had it all set in her mind to call and break it off with him once she got off work.

  She told herself if he text or otherwise got in touch last night it, would be a sign that he cared and she would reconsider. Ben didn't call, and by the time she got off work she'd thought about all the reasons it couldn't work between them and was primed to forget about him.

  Everything was wrong about how they'd met. She harbored resentment for the ill-timed dead body incident and for the fact that her mom sucked as a parent, which meant she had nothing to offer in the way of bringing a family into the mix. Taylor had worked herself up and was frustrated and embarrassed when she made the call to Ben that afternoon.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, do you have a minute?"

  Ben could tell by her voice that she wasn't smiling, and he instantly knew something was wrong.

  "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah, you got a minute?"

  "Yeah. What's up?"

  "Hey, I know we're not really hanging out, and don't have plans to see each other anytime, but I just think we probably shouldn't anymore."

  "Shouldn't what?"

  "See each other."

  "At all? Not even as friends? Is this about me kissing you?"

  She almost said it was because she wanted to be more than friends with him, but that was pretty obvious now wasn't it?

  "Ben, it's about the kids. It's too much for them. You can't come into their life and be this awesome person for fifteen minutes and then turn around and not be there. They don't understand that we are just friends and they'll want you to come with me every time."

  "I'm not trying to be around for fifteen minutes and leave. I want to be friends with them. I want to be friends with you."

  "It's not like that. They can't understand it that way."

  Truth was, she couldn't understand it that way, but it was nice to have the kids to blame it on. It was probably really obvious what she was doing, but she just didn't care. She had to create distance before her feelings got to be too much.

  "So what? We're supposed to avoid each other when our friends get together? Can I see you from across a fuckin' crowded room?" He was pissed. He liked her and couldn't understand why it had to be all or nothing like this. How ridiculous.

  She didn't expect him to cuss, and it made her feel even more embarrassed.

  "No. Don't even fucking look at me from across a crowded room," she said.

  He let out a frustrated huff. "Are you serious right now, Taylor?"

  "Yes Ben, I'm serious. I can't see you anymore."

  He paused for several long seconds, considering what Molly said about Taylor having the wrong impression. He hated the thought of not having her in his life, but what could he do? It seemed like this was an all or nothing situation, and he certainly wasn't prepared for all.

  Enough time passed that she almost spoke again, but he beat her to the punch.

  "I hate this Taylor."

  "I do too, but it's just got to be this way. I'm a little fragile right now and I just need some time to myself… to put the pieces together."

  Ben wanted to help her with the pieces, but he knew she was right. They were both in danger of getting in too deep.

  "For what it's worth, Taylor—I like you. If I was looking fo—"

  "Don't. You don't have to explain." She paused, but then continued. "And, I'm sorry for saying that about the crowded room. That was stupid. I know our friends are friends or whatever, and I don't want anything to be awkward."

  "I'm a fan of avoiding awkwardness if at all possible."

  "Good, then we agree."

  "Yep."

  A silence.

  "Okay, uh, goodbye I guess." Taylor said.

  "Bye," Ben said.

  She pushed the button to disconnect before she could change her mind and yell out to him.

  Instantly, her body went into a panic attack.

  It was the thought of him being the one responsible for her quick recovery that did it. He was like medicine to her, and the fear of not being able to call on him made her body go into panic mode. She did all her normal tricks. She told herself over and over and over and over that none of the symptoms were real and everything she was feeling was in her head.

  Unfortunately, that's not how a panic attack works. Once your body manifest those physical symptoms, it's extremely hard to turn them off. She felt as though her heart wasn't adequately pumping blood to her body. Her arms, legs, and eventually entire body felt as if heavy weights had been attached to them. The Passout Kings were knocking at her door, and she could do nothing but ride out the anxiety attack and remind herself she wasn't actually dying. She laid on the cold linoleum of the bathroom she shared with Gina, hoping no one would come home and catch her like that.

  That anxiety attack ended up being a two-hour ordeal. It was an experience she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy. By the end of the night, she was feeling slightly more normal. She could still feel the physical aftershocks of the attack, but she'd gotten through it with no help from a doctor, or a prescription, or even Ben Fletcher. She did it by herself, and would continue to do so until she didn't even remember what they felt like.

  Here's hoping, anyway.

  Chapter 20

  It was the last day of March when Taylor got her cast off. That cast was her biggest link to all the memories that went with finding the body, and she was relieved beyond measure to be rid of it.

  What a mother scratching nightmare—a bloody nightmare—and I mean that like an English person would say it, not that it was literally bloody, because there was really very little blood. Anyway, this little window of her life was something she was looking forward to forgetting altogether, and it all started with getting that thing off of her arm.

  The orthopedic doctor told her they would take the cast off at four weeks and x-ray her arm to see how it was healing. There was a chance she would be able to leave it off completely at that time, but more than likely they'd have to recast it for another couple of weeks.

  Taylor was so ready to be done with it that she cried when they told her they wouldn't have to put another cast on. It wasn't a big dramatic scene or anything, but she was so relieved at the thought of having it gone she couldn't help but shed a few tears. She left the doctor's office feeling like she could finally get back to the business of being Taylor again. She'd worn a reminder of that incident around her arm for long enough.

  She sent Hannah a text as soon as she got into her car at the doctor's office.

  Taylor: "Guess who got her cast off just now, sucka!"

  Hannah text back instantly.

  Hannah: "Sucka! Are you serious
? I thought you had to get another one."

  Taylor: "I'm fixed! Let's eat sushi to celebrate."

  Hannah: "I'm game. Tonight?"

  Taylor: "Yeah. I'll probably ask a few others too."

  Hannah: "I'm with Molly now. Getting my hair did. Want me to ask her?"

  Taylor still felt a flip in the pit of her stomach when she read Molly's name. She'd seen her a couple of times during the last two weeks, and each time she was sick with anticipation of seeing Ben or even getting an update on him. She really needed to get over it, and since today was a new day, she decided to face her fears. Besides, she really liked Molly and hated trying to avoid her just for her brother's sake.

  Taylor: "Of course, I'd love to see Molly! Tell her I say hi either way."

  There was a minute between texts where Hannah must have been talking to Molly. Then another one finally came through.

  Hannah: "Molly said she's in. We'll see you tonight. I assume you want Sakura. What time?"

  Taylor: "Seven. Sound good?"

  Hannah: "Perfect."

  ****

  "Hey, congrats on the cast," Molly said as Taylor walked up. It was a beautiful evening, so Molly and Hannah decided to wait outside until Taylor got there.

  "Thanks," Taylor said. She raised her left arm, and wiggled it around.

  "Showing some skin!" Hannah said, making them all laugh.

  "It's such a relief, you have no idea."

  "I can only imagine," Hannah said, reaching out to hug Taylor, who'd approached as they were talking. "Who else are we waiting on?" Hannah asked.

  "Nobody actually. Everyone I know who likes sushi was already working at the coffee shop. I'm sort of glad it worked out that way anyway because if we had a lot of people, we'd have had to get a table and I like sitting at the bar."