How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 4: Welcome to Monsterland

by V. Moody

  The problem was she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Or talking about him.

  The things they liked to do together, the plans they had for the future, the names of their kids they’d decided on. Weeping and talking and occasionally encouraging me to keep going. It wasn’t very sexy.

  Here’s the thing about masturbation. No matter how many times I’ve done it, I’ve never had a really bad one. I’ve never felt like, “Oh, that was a bit disappointing, think I won’t bother anymore.” But my first time, when I did eventually orgasm, it didn’t so much explode as pop.

  The fluids drained out of me and that was that. I had lost my virginity but it felt more like I’d been robbed.

  The second time, the girl, let’s call her Nagasaki, was a student nurse with a very large personality and a stunning figure.

  I wasn’t one for going down the pub after work, but I went along occasionally to be sociable. Yes I know, hard to believe I could be sociable once upon a time.

  She was very attractive and latched onto me without my having to do anything. Which was great. We got back to mine and she made all the moves, started stripping the moment the door was closed, had me naked on the bed in no time.

  The only thing she insisted was that I wore a condom and that it was properly on, which was fine by me. Nice to meet someone so responsible.

  The sex started off great. As we were going at it, she told me it had been a long time since she’d had sex and how much she missed it.

  As things got really passionate, she decided it was only right she tell me she had herpes. But it was fine because I was wearing a condom and also she hadn’t had an inflammation in some time.

  Obviously, I felt uncomfortable and started to work on an exit strategy. I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want my dick to fall off either.

  Then she informed me she also had gonorrhea but it had more or less cleared up, and there was also the slight chance she was HIV positive, but she hadn’t got the results back yet.

  I panicked and tried to get out, but she wrapped her legs around my waist and wouldn’t let go. You’d think I would at least lose my erection, but she had amazingly well developed vaginal muscles that locked on and pumped me to completion, all the while offering me reassurances everything was fine.

  I went and got checked out by the doctor and luckily everything was fine, but it left me somewhat traumatised. I decided to wait for the right girl to come along, but she never did. Until now.

  Jenny took control of the situation, at least for the first time. She could see I was like a deer in headlights and did all the heavy lifting. It wasn’t passionate or wild, it was creating a connection and confirming our feelings for each other. It was also over very quickly.

  “Sorry, I…”

  “It’ll be better next time”

  I lay on my back, bathed in sweat, every last scintilla of energy blasted out of me. “What makes you think I’ll be able to get it up again?”

  She leaned over me and grinned. “Hope.” Her head disappeared from view.

  The next two times were much better all around. By the end of the second, with a little coaching from Jenny, I even got her to climax. After that, I fell asleep.

  When I woke the next morning, the light ache in my cock and the naked girl next to me were ample proof it hadn’t been a dream. She was sitting cross-legged watching me.

  I put my hand out and rested it on her thigh. She didn’t flinch or move away, she just smiled and adjusted herself to make it easier for me to reach whatever I wanted to reach.

  Her lip was still a little bruised.

  “You should let me heal that.”

  “No. I want you to remember what you’re capable of when you bottle things up and try to do everything on your own.”

  It was mean and calculated, but entirely within her rights. Well played.

  “You need to tell people what you want them to do. We all want to help you.”

  Was this how it would be from now on? Her giving me instructions. They say behind every great man there’s a woman with blood on her hands. “Can I tell you what I want you to do.” I slid my hand along her thigh.

  “Yes, I’d like that very much. And once you teach me how to do magic, I’ll be able to—” My hand stopped moving. “What?”

  I looked at her.

  “No.” Her look of mild confusion narrowed to one of annoyance. “Colin, you can’t think I slept with you just to get you to teach me magic. Fucker! You do think that. No. No!”

  She pushed my hand off her leg and started pulling her clothes on. “I can’t believe you. Fuck you! You really think that? Fuck. FUCK!”

  She put the rest of her clothes on in a rage, and then crawled out of the tent. I hadn’t said a word, but it did seem like a possibility. Certainly more likely than her being madly in love with me from the first day we met.

  I sighed. Oh well, it had been nice while it lasted. I fell asleep again.

  I woke to the sound of Jenny coming back in. I don’t know how long it had been since she stormed out. Not long I don’t think.

  She began removing her clothes again. “Forget about the magic. We’ll just stick to sex and watching out for each other. If you feel like you trust me enough at some point, fine. If not, that’s fine too. Just, no princesses, okay?”

  Naked once more, she crawled back into my arms and pressed her flesh against mine. Was she manipulating me? Did I care?

  After we had sex again, I left the tent. It was still early and a bit chilly. The trolls stood silently waiting for us to get ready, like some Stonehenge cosplay. The others were sat around the fire looking at me. There was only one tent and it wasn’t soundproofed.

  “Sorry if we made a lot of noise.” My whole body felt different, like something had clicked in my back and I could walk straight after years of stooping.

  Jenny came out behind me. The other girls got up and the three of them went off without a word.

  “Where are they going?” I said.

  “Girl stuff,” said Maurice. “Illuminati don’t even come close.”

  I looked at the two of them, Maurice poking the fire and Dudley checking over his arrows. They were relaxed and calm even though death could be right around the next corner. Content men or doormats?

  “I suppose you heard everything.”

  “And then some,” said Maurice.

  “I should coco,” said Dudley.

  Maurice pushed his slipping glasses back up his nose. “And then Jenny came out here and started calling you all sorts of names. The girl has a very filthy mouth. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Do you really think she only slept with you so you’d teach her magic?”

  When put like that it sounded pretty cold and heartless. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  Maurice shook his head. “Well, nobody else thinks that. We all offered to teach her instead.”

  “Oh.” They might not have been as proficient as me, but they knew the basics well enough. “That must have cheered her up.” It explained why she came back into the tent.

  “Not really. She refused. Said it had to be you. If you didn’t trust her there was no point.”

  If she wanted to learn magic, she could easily from the others, but then why hold out for me to do it? Either she genuinely wanted me to trust her, or... maybe she was playing the long con.

  “Do you love her?” asked Dudley. He usually said little and even more rarely instigated a conversation, so I was surprised by the direct question.

  “I think so.”

  Dudley gave me the sad smile of a fellow sufferer. “Then what does it matter? It’s already too late for you. Teach her magic. If she betrays you, so be it.”

  “At least she’ll be able to take care of herself after she kills you in your sleep,” said Maurice.

  They both had enormously open hearts when it came to the people they loved. Idiots. I had no intention of being defeated so easily.

  “We have visito
rs,” said Keezy all of a sudden, nearly making me jump out of my skin. He was looking high into the air.

  I followed his gaze but couldn’t see anything. Dudley stood up and nocked an arrow to his bow.

  “Put that away. If you anger them we’re all dead.”

  After some intense squinting I could see three figures, maybe more, approaching. “Who are they?”

  “The Draconic Guard. Cheng must have sent them.”

  As they got closer they looked like winged men, only not men. They had reptilian heads with large crests that ran all the way down their backs and along their tails. Their leathery wings flapped in long slow movements.

  The girls returned to find us all staring at the sky and joined in.

  “Fookin’ hell,” said Flossie. “Dragonmen.”

  “Even with a wingspan like that, they shouldn’t be able to fly,” said Maurice.

  “Neither should the bumblebee,” I pointed out.

  “That’s a myth. If you perform an extremely crude calculation, sure, but a full aerodynamic computation will show that the bumblebee operates perfectly within the laws of physics.”

  Maurice’s lecture on the flight of the bumblebee was cut short by six large dragon men landing a few metres away, sending up much dust and debris. It was a terrifying sight but still welcome if it shut Maurice up.

  The largest of the Draconic Guard, whose skin was deep blue while the others were more of a pale grey-blue, stepped forward.

  “Ah, little Keezy. It’s been a while.” He was larger than Keezy by no small margin. “And the Worm King. Ha ha, who would have thought it would be young Kungen?”

  “What do you want, Hitokag?” said Keezy.

  “Not you. Which one of you is Colin?”

  “Him,” I pointed at Maurice who shook his head and pointed back at me.

  This seemed good enough for Hitokag who walked up to me and stooped to get a better look. His body radiated heat so intense I had to take a step back.

  “Hmm.” He didn’t sound impressed. “Cheng has summoned you. You will come with us.”

  “I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you.”

  “He sent this.” He held out a scroll.

  I took it and opened it. There was a single word written on it:

  Please

  Which was surprising, but not as surprising as the fact it was written in English.

  16. Follow The Leader

  I stared at the scroll for a few seconds. It was like a party invitation, except instead of cake and jelly, there would be monsters and the constant threat of a violent death. So not all that inviting. Still, it was very polite. And in English.

  “Is Cheng a Visitor?” I asked the blue reptile towering over me.

  Hitokag wrinkled up his nose which drew back the skin covering his mouth to reveal small triangular teeth “Of course not. He was born here. He is one of us.”

  If I said no, would they simply leave? Probably not. Hitokag stretched out his wings and closed them again. I don’t know if he was trying to intimidate me or just stretching but either way it didn’t make me want to go on a long trip with him.

  “He also instructed me to answer any questions you may have if you agree to come.”

  This offer did interest me. “You’ll answer any questions? Anything I want to know?”

  “If I can. I don’t know everything.” He looked at the dragonmen either side of him and they all had a good laugh, although I had no idea what was so hilarious. “Cheng will also provide you with answers when you meet him. You will find him very reasonable.”

  I think Hitokag meant to smile encouragingly. What he actually did was bare his endless rows of teeth at me.

  Despite the obvious risks inherent in meeting with the Archfiend, the chance to get answers was very tempting. If they wanted me dead I already would be. Of course, this raised the question of what they did want from me. Perhaps Visitors were a delicacy that tasted best when served fresh.

  Still, I had questions I wouldn’t mind getting answered. It seemed like an offer I couldn’t refuse.

  I turned to the others. “All right, I’ll go with these guys and see what I can find out, you lot go with Keezy back to Flatland.”

  “No,” said Claire. “We aren’t going to leave you here on your own.”

  The rest of them had similar defiant looks on their faces. Except for Jenny who had her arms crossed and her head slightly tilted, like she was trying to figure out if I’d had a haircut or just combed my hair differently.

  “Why not? You already left me behind when you went gallivanting off to the city.”

  “That was different,” said Claire. “That was… a mistake.” The others mumbled what sounded like apologies, although they were all looking at the ground so possibly it was their shoes they were apologising to.

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “You got invited to a party and you went. It’s quite impressive really. You went off with a bunch of monsters and came back alive. Surprising in all sorts of ways.”

  “It was a mistake. It was wrong.” Claire struggled to look me in the face but forced herself to make eye-contact. “I know you don’t believe people when they say sorry, but after all we’ve been through together, I think we deserve a second chance.”

  It’s a strange kind of apology when the person who’s sorry tells you what you owe them.

  “They had a carriage with a unicorn,” blurted out Flossie.

  “We, ahhh, we, ahhh,” stammered Dudley, “got carried away.”

  “It was really exciting at first,” said Claire, “but the truth is once we got there we were really scared. We agreed to everything—the tours, the banquets, the clothes fittings—because we were afraid they might get angry with us if we said no. All we really wanted to do was get back... here.”

  Her face turned red. Not from her usual saliva-frothing anger but more from embarrassment.

  “It doesn’t matter how mad we get at you or how infuriating you can be, you’re still our leader. And you know how to say no to people.”

  “Okay,” I said feeling quite uncomfortable, “but the whole point of having a leader is that they should lead you somewhere. Once you have a destination in mind, you choose the best person to get you there. But we don’t really have a goal, other than not dying. And anyone can lead you in that direction. The way is pretty well signposted. Over here is a rogue ogre—” I pointed randomly “—so not that way. Over here—” I pointed in another direction “—crazy people with strange weapons, best to avoid. And here—” I pointed at Hitokag “—dragonmen with wings and teeth and scaliness all over. You don’t need me—”

  “We aren’t descended from dragons,” said Hitokag, sounding a little peeved.

  “Oh. You aren’t descended from dragons?”

  “What? No. Are you suggesting my mother was impregnated by a dragon?” Now he sounded disgusted.

  “No. I mean not your mother, maybe your great, great…” This conversation clearly wasn’t headed anywhere good. I pointed at Keezy. “He said you were the Draconic Guard so…”

  “We are lizardmen of the Mezzik tribe.” The rest of the winged lizardmen grunted in unison which I took to be some kind of tribal thing.

  It was a bit confusing. They were lizards with wings, and the only lizards with wings were… “But Draconic means dragon, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes,” said Keezy. “They’re called the Draconic Guard because they guard that.” He pointed across the plain.

  It took a moment for me to see it. Flying towards us, barely a few inches above the tall grass, was a dragon.

  “Ohhh, I see.” I turned back to the others. “They guard the, you know, the dragon.” My voice faded as I spoke so only a squeak came out by the time I got to ‘dragon’.

  They nodded, unable to take their eyes of the behemoth gliding towards us.

  Huge wings, serpentine neck, green and dinosaur-like. Very draconic.

  As it came in to land, it flipped its wings up to act
as air brakes and its huge claws splayed like the most alarming jazz hands you’ve ever seen. It landed surprisingly softly considering it was the size of a medium sized jetliner.

  Dust flew up blinding everyone for a second and when it cleared small black eyes peered at us down a long snout. Then it bent down and started eating grass.