Soul Decisions

by Casey Harvell

  I try to pay attention now.

  “We’re not really sure yet. We’ve run some tests, but I want you to be prepared that they may be inconclusive. Sometimes these things just happen.” The doctor explains.

  I decide it’s time to ignore him again.

  The doctor eventually leaves and Shay tugs gently on my arm and guides me out of the room. When we get back to his place Maxwell rushes ahead. Shay tries to convince me to eat something, but I shake my head no.

  “Some tea?” He practically pleads.

  “I’m just really tired, Shay.” I say in a small voice.

  “I know, love. I know.”

  Maxwell returns and Shay leads me back upstairs to the guest room. I note the clean bedding. Maxwell must’ve done it, he’s always very thoughtful.

  “If you’d rather the couch...” Shay’s voice trails off.

  “It’s fine, Shay.” I say softly. “Tell Maxwell thank you for me.” I kick off my shoes and crawl under the blankets. “I’m going to take a nap.”

  “Okay, love.” Shay says, closing the blinds and shutting off the light. “Dream sweet or sleep hard.”

  The door shuts and I’m left alone wondering just how I lost everything so quickly.

  The sun is bright. It’s annoying and I want it to go away.

  “Lettie, you have to get up.” Shay insists. “I know you don’t want to and I understand, but you’ve been in that bed for nearly three days. You haven’t eaten. You’ve barely even drank anything. Please, love. Do it for me.”

  It takes everything in me not to groan and roll over. Shay knows he has me with that last part. Every inch of my body hurts as I sit up. My head and limbs feel as though they’re heavier than usual. I manage to do it, though. I get out of bed.

  Shay ushers me towards the bathroom. He puts on the shower and leaves. I know he’s right. I need to take care of myself. I just can’t find any desire in me to do so. All I really want is to crawl back into bed and hide under the blankets until the world disappears.

  I don’t want to talk about what happened. I don’t want the look of pity from everyone who knows. I don’t want to face reality.

  Not even a little bit.

  Still I shower. I brush my teeth. I go through the motions.

  When I’m done I don’t even remember doing it.

  The bed is once again clean and clothes have been set out for me. A cup of tea steams on the nightstand with a plate of buttered toast next to it. Shay always thinks of everything.

  I tug the clothes into place and eye the tea. My stomach flops at the smell of the toast. I make an effort to nibble on it regardless. I know Shay will be back to check.

  A knock on the door confirms my suspicions as Shay pokes his head in. “See, this is much better! Now let’s get you downstairs for a bit.”

  I don’t argue or throw a sarcastic retort at him. Frankly I just don’t have the energy for it. Down in the living room Shay has Netflix pulled up on the TV. He tucks me in a blanket on the couch with my toast and tea in front of me and hits a button.

  “We’re going to binge watch this bitch until you feel better.” Shays proclaims.

  I give my friend a small smile. He sighs and wraps an arm around me. I curl into his chest as the TV springs to life.

  It’s been a few more days. I need less coercing from Shay as time progresses to do regular things. I even begin to think about going home to my apartment. I can’t impose on Shay and Maxwell forever despite their insistence that I’m no bother. They have their life and deserve some time to themselves.

  I get a call from the doctor. He asks me to come in—today if possible. I set up a time and let Shay know because I know he’ll want to tag along.

  Slowly my thoughts begin to come back to me—like I should check in with my mom and Maddy. With the shock of everything it seems I put up a shield of sorts when I went numb. My desire to be left alone may have made it subconscious, but it didn’t make it any less strong. Even now that I recognize it, I hold it firmly in place. I’m not ready to let anyone in just yet.

  Shay convinces me to wait until after my appointment to go visit Abyssus. I don’t have to ask if he’s coming with me because I already know the answer. He also manages to convince me to stay the rest of the week and through the weekend, claiming he’ll bring me home on Sunday. I know him well enough to know that this is as much for his sake as my own. Shay always worries about me.

  It’s hard to push the last trip to this office from my mind as we drive. Will there be any answers for me here today? Even if I get some, it doesn’t change the facts. It can’t undo what’s happened, or fill the gaping hole of emptiness that festers inside me now.

  Shay parks the car. Once inside they quickly usher us into the doctor’s private office. It doesn’t take long for the doctor to join us. I can tell by his aura that he’s not happy with the news he has to share.

  “Lettie, Shay, welcome. I do wish it’d be under better circumstances, though.” The doctors voice and face are somber. “Lettie, your blood tests revealed high levels of levonorgestrel in your blood stream. Levonorgestrel is the drug used for emergency contraception. As much as it pains me to say this, if you didn’t take it knowingly, it seems someone gave it to you.”

  Shay looks at me in horror as I scramble to make sense of what the doctor says. “Knowingly? No, I’d never do that.” I shake my head vehemently. “Why would someone do this?” I ask more to myself than the two men in the room.

  “I wish I had an answer for you.” The doctor says sympathetically. “It’s up to you if you’d like to contact the authorities.”

  “Would it do any good?” Shay asks.

  “It may. It may not. It’s hard to tell at this point, but I’d consider this a crime.” The doctor states.

  “Was there any other abnormalities?” Shay continues. I’m grateful he’s thinking of this, because I’m still trying to process this new information.

  “Nothing we could tell. The good news here is that when the time comes that you’re ready to try again, there’s no medical issues to stop you.”

  I nod. It’s the furthest thing from my mind right now.

  “Thank you, doctor.” Shay says as he stands.

  “You’re welcome. Feel free to stay a few minutes if you need to. I have patients to attend to.” They shake hands before the doctor leaves.

  “Lettie, do you want to stay or go?” Shay asks quietly.

  “Get me out of here, Shay.” I plead.

  This all just too much for me to handle.

  My list of enemies is long. Shay and I try to think about who can be behind such an atrocity. He wants to involve the police—until I remind him more than half of that list are supernatural beings would could rip a police offer in half.

  Plus maybe part of me doesn’t want to relive the entire nightmare any more than I already am. I lost my baby, a life growing inside of me that I already loved more than my own.

  The more this thought turns around in my mind, the more the anger builds.

  “Do you still want to go see Maddy and your mom?” Shay asks.

  “I think they deserve to know.” I say as I nod.

  “I’m ready when you are.” Shay says.

  I clasp his hands in mine and zap us to Abyssus. It’s a simple task and it takes not even a second. Gone are the days when transporting through dimensions left me woozy. It barely takes any effort at all these days.

  Shay and I walk briskly through the streets to my mother’s. I could’ve brought us closer, but to be completely honest a small part of me seeks out some type of confrontation. All of my anger continues to build and a release would be welcome. Only everyone gives us a wide berth.

  My anger must be more apparent than I thought.

  It’s not until my mother flings open the door. She and Maddy both take one look at me and I burst into tears. They usher us inside and Shay quietly explains everything that’s happened with Gabe and the baby. My mother and Maddy begin to cry with me fo
r the loss of life we never even got a chance to meet.

  With the three people in my life closest to me, I finally let it out. I ask questions nobody has the answers to. I allow the pain to tear through my soul and the tears to fall freely. I mourn. I rage.

  Still nothing changes.

  “Lettie, you go home and rest. You can come back another day.” My mother insists.

  “I just need a moment.” Exhaustion hits me full force.

  “No need,” my mother gives me a hug and kiss while Maddy squeezes my shoulders gently. “Rest, my daughter, we’ll try to make sense of this.”

  Before I can reply I realize Shay and I are back at his place. I make it to the couch before the exhaustion takes over and the world fades away.

  Burn

  Shay must’ve carried me to bed, because that’s where I wake up. The room is mostly dark less the small amount of light the crack in the door lets in. I’m not sure if it’s morning or night.

  I’m not sure if I care.

  I hear a murmur of voices come from downstairs. As I pad barefoot down the hallway I realize that there are three voices, not just two. It’s the tone of the third one that’s too familiar—and too painful.

  Gabe.

  “We will not force her to see you.” Maxwell says. “When she’s ready, she will.” The anger is apparent in his voice.

  “I only want a chance to explain.” Gabe pleads.

  “She’s been through a lot, Gabe. Maxwell’s right. I won’t force her, either. She’s capable of making that decision on her own.” Shay says calmly.

  “How—” Gabe’s voice cracks. “How’s she doing?”

  “As you’d expect.” Maxwell tells him.

  I hear Gabe sigh. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Someone’s going to pay. What monster terminates a pregnancy without a woman’s consent?”

  “I can think of a few.” Shay says.

  I can’t decide whether I want to face Gabe or not. A large part of me still wants to run to him—to jump into his lap and let him wrap his strong arms around me. It’d be so simple to forget what’s happened and let him fill the void within me once more, to steal some of his strength as we mourn the loss of our baby together.

  Only the part of me that holds me back is right. If I do that I’ll always have doubts. That’s no way to live. That’s not a real relationship. And that’s not the life that I want.

  Instead of listening more I do an about face and return to the guestroom. I shut the door gently and click the small lock on the doorknob into place.

  I’m not sure if I do it to keep everyone out, or myself in.

  I wait a long time, lying in bed and trying to make sense of everything my life has become. I try to reconcile with the fact that someone poisoned me and killed my unborn child. With all of the power I hold with my abilities, I couldn’t stop it. I can save the world, but not my own child...

  Eventually the first rays of light begin to break across the sky. I still have on clothes from yesterday and don’t bother with shoes as I make my way silently through the house and slip out the back door.

  At the edge of the patio I roll up the legs of my jeans enough to keep them out of the sand. The surf is cold so I end up walking above the surf and watch the sunrise.

  Once I’m far away from all of the houses, I sit. The sun is bright and warm, but inside I’m still numb. I don’t want to feel anything. If I do, I’ll feel all the pain. The anger will build until I explode and surely hurt someone. That’s not what I want.

  I only want to hurt the person who did this to me, not anyone else.

  Suddenly a mass of fur almost knocks me over. A wet tongue covers my face in dog-kisses.

  “Bella! Down!” A familiar voice yells with an Irish accent.

  Despite everything, I laugh. Bella can barely contain herself, even with her master scolding her. She wriggles on the ground next to me, a ball of furry excitement begging for my attention.

  I rub her belly and realize my laughter has become teary. Soon I cry more than anything.

  “I’m so sorry, miss—Lettie, right?” Jack recognizes me. “Oh, no. She didn’t hurt ya, did she?”

  He reaches for her collar, but I stop him with a gentle hand to his wrist. “She’s fine.” I sniffle out and shake my head. “It’s not her.”

  “Oh.” Jack pauses and looks around in what I take as confusion. When he doesn’t find anything he plops down in the sand next to me, flanking Bella. “You want to talk about it?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. Talking about it doesn’t change anything.”

  Jack studies me. “Here I go being an ass, assuming it’s man troubles to have a girl such a mess—but it’s something more, ain’t it though?”

  “You’re not completely wrong,” I give him a sarcastic half-smile through my tears. “It’s partly that, but that alone I could handle. It’s the rest of it...” My hand drops to my stomach and tears burn my eyes once more.

  “Did that bastard leave you with a wee one on the way?” Jack sounds furious.

  The tears spill over. “No.” I sob through the words. “But some bastard poisoned me and killed my baby.”

  Jack’s face crumbles. “Oh, darling, I know we don’t know one another all that well, but you come here now.” Jack wraps me in a tight hug. It’s not anything sexual. He’s not coming on to me. It’s full of support and sympathy and understanding.

  For a long while Jack just lets me cry. Even Bella stills under us, occasionally licking my hand to offer her own comfort.

  “May I?” Jack asks and motions for me to put my hand in his. I comply silently. “Aye, I thought I felt something just before. Don’t take this the wrong way please, love—but—er—what exactly are you?”

  This snaps me out of my dark thoughts. For as much of the shield I put up, I’ve also managed to let my guard down. If Jack is something more than human, I should’ve been able to sense it straight away, that first time we met. For the first time since all of this crap began, I use my abilities and reach out to sense him. “I could ask you the same question.” I say to buy some time.

  I’m not sure exactly what Jack is, but I can tell he’s not evil—not in the Abyssus/Elias/burn-the-world-to-the-ground sense, at least. He’s not exactly exuding goodness, but he’s definitely not malicious in his intent.

  “Rock, paper, scissors for who explains first?” Jack suggests.

  “Works for me.” This distraction is welcome.

  “One, two, three, shoot...” Jack calls it. He throws rock while I throw paper. I look at him expectantly. “Awe, crap. Never was any good at the game. Don’t know why I always suggest the damn thing. So, you have to promise me you’re not going to freak out.”

  “Doubtful.” I say. “I’ve been around.” Like literally, to hell and back.

  “Okay. But don’t be one of those lasses who says they won’t and then does anyway.”

  “I promise.”

  “Okay, then.” Jack takes a deep breath. “I’m kind of immortal. The closest technical thing I can compare it to—remember you said you wouldn’t freak out, now, so hear me out—for you modern day folks...is a vampire.” He pauses and stares at me as he awaits my reaction.

  “Okay, go on.” I probe.

  Jack looks at me in disbelief. “That’s it? Just go on? No laughter? No running away screaming in fear?”

  “I promised.” I say with a shrug.

  “That’s pretty much all I got.” Jack says. “I don’t go around killing folks, if that’s what you’re thinking. I go to a blood bank if or when I need to. I’m not a savage.”

  “I was wondering how someone could be an, er, vampire and not be evil.”

  “Now your turn.” Jack says. "What type of being feels good and evil?”

  It’s my turn to take a deep breath. “I’m something new, I guess—a kind of hybrid. My mother’s a high angel who happens to be trapped in Abyssus. My father turns out to be a powerful demon. Somehow I ended up with all of their power
combined.” I say sadly as an epiphany strikes me.

  I don’t think I want this power. All it’s brought me is pain and sorrow. If I didn’t have it, maybe I would never have been a target. Maybe I’d have had a normal life, been a mommy and never had a second thought about good and evil.

  “Wow.” Jack says after he processes my words, snapping me out of my head. “That’s pretty amazing then, eh?”

  “If you say so.” I don’t really agree. “You want to get some coffee? I know a place not too far from here. It’s even free.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Jack says.

  We stand and Bella barks in excitement to be on the move once more.

  It’s not a long walk back to Shay’s.

  “So you’re immortal too then, eh?” Jack asks.

  “You know, I’ve never thought about it before. I honestly have no idea.”

  “Well, I’d think so—what with your ma being an angel and your pa being a demon and all.”

  “Are there a lot of vampires out there?” I ask. Maybe some people would think it far-fetched, but with everything I’ve seen to date it’s honestly not that surprising.

  “Aye, there are a few here and there. Secret society of sorts. I’m more of a loner, myself.”

  “Why’s that? You seem personable enough.”

  “See, most of my kind don’t take too kindly to my...we’ll call them life choices. They like to keep quiet about their feedings. I only feed when necessary, like say I’ve been injured, right? They do so consistently, but use the willing. I also can be a bit too boisterous for them at times, I suppose.” Jack explains.

  “Huh.” I reply. “That all makes sense. What else are real? Werewolves? Fairies? Sasquatch?”

  Jack laughs. “I’m not sure, but I’ve learned anything’s possible.”

  “You and me both.” I say wryly as we reach Shay’s patio. “Grab a seat. I’ll be back out with coffee in a sec. I’d be happy to invite you in, but I think Shay and Maxwell are still asleep.”

  “Shay and Maxwell?” Jack asks.

  “Shay’s my bestie. This is his place. Maxwell is his boyfriend.”