by Dawn Norwell
Zander’s eyes glisten as he talked about his people and his home. Though there may have been times when he wished he could have grown up somewhere where there wasn’t so much struggle, I knew he was proud of his upbringing. That was more than I could say.
As we talked, the walls I’d built from years of hiding came crashing down. It no longer mattered that Zander was considered unsuitable by our world. At that moment, he was just a boy, and I was just a girl, two people who refused to be defined by their classifications, slowly becoming friends.
For some strange reason, I knew that I could trust Zander. It amazed me that I was growing closer to this man who I had known all of five minutes than I was with the people I’d grown up with. I was able to tell him things I had never told anyone before- my fears, my regrets, what I wished my life could have been like, had I not been born inside the dome.
In Concord, we had to be so careful about what we said, I never felt close to anyone besides Lei. But in Nova, I didn’t have to worry about the Syndicate spying on me, or the TIMs sensing my treasonous thoughts. Soon, a weight I hadn’t realized I was carrying was lifted from my shoulders.
I told Zander about growing up inside the dome and about my family, even Thane and his hatred of me. I explained the strict rules and dress codes, including the processes for conception and career selection, both of which appalled him.
I soon learned that Nova was a more intricate city than it appeared at first glance. I was surprised to hear that they were able to choose their paths in life, with little to no input from the government. What it must be like to be able to make your own decisions- the concept amazed me.
Zander told me about life in the wastelands, about growing up with the freedom to make your own decisions, but also about the hardships of living with limited resources. I learned about his life, about growing up with Athena as his only parent. It was just the two of them after Zander’s father passed away, so she was very protective of him.
He was also born an only child, but he often didn’t feel that way because he and Ximea were so close, she was basically his sister. The two of them had been friends since they were toddlers.
He explained Athena’s role in their society and how she gained the leadership position by default when the other government officials died of a Syndicate-induced disease. He spoke of his father, a Nova scavenger who died from radiation poisoning when he was fifteen years old.
“He built everything in this room by hand. He wouldn’t let anyone else help,” Zander said, his eyes full of admiration. He was lying on his back, staring at the intricate chandelier. The shimmering crystals reflected a brilliant light around the room. It made sense why it was called the Athena suite now- Zander’s father had created it for her.
“I’m so sorry, Zander. I know how much it sucks to lose a loved one,” I said, thinking about the loss of my own parents. All I had left now was Thane, and I’d prefer to be alone than be anywhere near his homicidal ass.
Zander’s forehead creased in confusion. “Maybe I misjudged you, Kai. I was quick to criticize you for things beyond your control. I’ll still never understand why you risked everything to come here, to warn people you didn’t know about the attack,” he said, shaking his head. “But I’m glad that you did. Not only did you save us, but you’re helping me understand that some suits aren’t so bad after all.” He gave me the playful, crooked grin that I was growing to love.
I smiled at him, happy to change his way of thinking. I hoped that this was a step in the right direction, that maybe there was hope that the two of us- a suit and an unsuit- could get along, that we could become friends in a world that had taught us to hate one another.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
A t some point that night, Zander and I fell asleep. When I opened my eyes the following morning, he was still in my apartment, lying across the foot of my bed.
I smiled when I saw him, memories of the previous night resurfacing. After an entire evening of in-depth conversation and lighthearted laughter, I saw him in a different light. Despite the hundreds of unsuits beyond my doors who wanted me dead, I felt safe in Nova, and I knew Zander was the reason why.
For a moment, I sat back and enjoyed the view. Zander was handsome; I couldn’t deny that. Whoever decided that unsuits were flawed had never seen Zander’s intimidating physique, his brilliant half-grin, his mesmerizing blue eyes. If they had, then even they could not deny his beauty.
It was strange for me to think this way. If someone had asked me a month before if I’d ever find an unsuit attractive, I would have laughed. Things were different now. I was different. Though it terrified me to admit it, I was starting to fall for him.
But my sightseeing was short-lived. Zander opened his eyes and blinked at the ceiling, his forehead creasing as he tried to take in his surroundings. His gaze fell on the chandelier hanging high overhead, and he froze when he realized where he was.
He was on his feet faster than should be humanly possible, searching the room. His gaze fell on me, sitting at the head of the bed, watching him with cautious eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed, disconcerted.
My brows furrowed with confusion. “Sorry for what?”
“For this,” he said, motioning between the two of us. “I shouldn’t be here. This was inappropriate.”
Before I had time to respond, he was searching the room for his shoes, slipping them onto his feet in a frazzled rush, nearly toppling over in his haste.
I got to my feet, startled by his sudden angst. “Just calm down, Zander,” I said, frazzled by his reaction. I reached for him consolingly then pulled my hand away, thinking better of it. “Don’t be so dramatic. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not like we had sex.”
Zander’s eyes bulged at the word. My face heated as realized what I’d said.
Stupid, I thought, wanting to smack myself for the unfortunate word choice.
“I should go,” he mumbled, rushing to the door before I could respond. He was out of the room before I could blink, leaving me standing alone in the suite with my mouth agape in bewilderment.
My stomach clenched with unease. What the hell just happened?
I understood that I was a suit, but would it be that horrible if Zander had slept with me? His disgust at the idea was offensive. I tried not to take it personally, to understand that he wasn’t so much grossed out by me as he was by the idea of me.
Still, it stung. After the previous evening, I’d thought we were past this way of thinking; that we had moved past being disgusted by one another. But I guess some things were just too ingrained in us to ever be altered.
**********
When Zander came back that evening, he was much more cautious than he had been the previous day. He stayed to eat with me again, but he refused to go near the bed, choosing instead to sit in an armchair in the corner of the room, as though he were penitent about having let his guard down around me, and was determined not to make that mistake again.
I was sad that our budding relationship seemed to be backsliding. Though I didn’t want to admit it, I was starting to develop feelings for Zander, drawn in by our bizarre link. Though he could try to hide it all he wanted, I suspected that he was feeling the same connection me, that I was with him. Although his expression remained reserved, his bright blue eyes lit up when he came to my room. The near-constant tension in his shoulders relaxed when we were together, his deep-rooted scowl traded for a brilliant smile. He was just excited to see me each day as I was to see him. Which is why it hurt so much to see him pulling away when we were just starting to grow close.
I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, that perhaps I was dodging a broken heart if our connection dissolved now rather than later. But I knew that wasn’t true. I would take the heartbreak tenfold if it meant a chance at further developing this bond that we had.
We ate our dinner in silence, each too hesitant to broach the subject of the previous night. When we were
finished, Zander got to his feet. “I’d better head out. I have an early morning.”
“Yes, that’s probably for the best,” I agreed, unmistakable sadness in my voice. I didn’t want him to leave, especially given the uncertain climate between us.
Zander gave a small smile, sensing my melancholy. With a sigh, he turned to leave the room. As I watched him go, I had an unfathomable worry that if he walked away now, things would regress permanently between us, that I would be letting something good walk out the door before it even had the chance to progress.
Like the swaying of a pendulum, my emotions oscillated back and forth, back and forth, unsure whether to act now or let him go for good. He was almost out of the suite when a random surge of desperation and confidence washed over me.
“Zander,” I called, running after him.
He paused with his hand on the doorknob, turning to face me. He waited, but I couldn’t find words to say. Instead, I took a step toward him, slowly testing our limits. I put one foot in front of the other until we were just a few inches apart. At this proximity, I could see the fine hair that lined his upper lip, the hint of a bruise that still encased his bright eyes. He swallowed hard, staring down at me with his breathtaking gaze.
“Thank you for dinner,” I said softly, peaking at him timidly from my lashes.
“You’re welcome,” he replied, his voice low and husky.
I gazed wordlessly at his full lips. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming desire to press mine against them. I knew that I shouldn’t give in to the urge, that the moment I made this decision, it would forever alter our friendship, that I was likely to end up more hurt and confused than I already was.
But a small voice in my head reminded me that I had thrown caution to the wind once before by leaving Concord, and now my life was all the better for it. Maybe things could be the same with Zander. Maybe being bold enough to show him how I felt could change things between us for the better. What if our relationship didn’t end in sorrow? What if our bond took root and flourished, growing into a love that one could only dream of, a thing of fairy tales and fiction? I’d never know if I didn’t try.
I had spent my entire life hiding in the shadows, waiting for others to tell me what to do and when to do it. But that time was over; that girl was long gone. I would sink, or I would swim, but I’d never know which if I didn’t dive into the deep end. It was now or never.
I squared my shoulders, my mind made up. As though possessed by a promiscuous demon that was hell-bent on ruining the burgeoning alliance Zander and I had formed, I leaned up on my tiptoes and placed my lips gently against his. Zander’s body stiffened, but he didn’t pull away. Instead, he let the kiss linger for several seconds until I finally broke the connection. When I pulled away, I was delighted to see that he was blushing.
“Have a good night,” I breathed, opening the door for him. He didn’t say anything but walked into the hallway in a drunken daze.
**********
I didn’t sleep well that night, my mind lingering on our impromptu kiss. At first, I was proud of my boldness, but this soon gave way to humiliation, apprehension, and paranoia. Because Concord had strict regulations about showing affection, I had never kissed anyone before. Had I done it right? Did Zander even want me to kiss him? Did he like me like that, or was it something I’d fabricated, seeing what I wanted to see? Would this cause tension between us, when things were finally going well? The questions were unrelenting. By dawn, I had damn near convinced myself that I’d sexually assaulted Zander and that he would never speak to me again.
My worst fears were confirmed when breakfast arrived. The rasping on my door sent me bounding into the living room, only to feel my heart drop when I saw Athena instead of Zander.
“Good morning,” she said with a friendly smile.
My shoulders slumped with disappointment. “Good morning,” I mumbled.
Repressing a sigh, I opened the door wider so she could come inside. I wasn’t really in the mood for company, not when my stomach was in knots. But Athena was such a kind person that I could hardly turn her away.
“Zander had a meeting this morning and couldn’t bring your breakfast, so I thought I would come for a visit,” she said, setting the tray on the coffee table.
I scoffed. More like he’s trying to avoid me.
My insecurities intensified, as I realized how dense I had been to assume Zander would reciprocate my feelings.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I mumbled, still pouting. The last thing I wanted was food.
“Sure I did,” she said, taking a seat on the couch. “If I’m going to hold you prisoner, the least I can do is feed you.”
I snorted, and indicate to the elegant room around me. “This hardly qualifies as imprisonment.”
Athena laughed. “I can’t tell you enough how thankful I am for you, Kai. I’ve been the commander of Nova for a long time now, and I couldn’t name a single person who would be willing to volunteer their freedom for me the way that you did. The self-sacrifice you made after only knowing me for a few days is astonishing,” she said with an awed smile.
“It was nothing,” I murmured. I was only halfway paying attention, my mind preoccupied by Zander’s absence.
Athena scoffed. “It wasn’t nothing. I could have been impeached or imprisoned, if not for you. You did me a great service, and I don’t take that for granted. I mean, even Zander was in reverence, despite his aversion of your kind. It’s why he volunteered to guard your room. It’s his way of thanking you for what you did, in his odd, standoffish way.”
I eyed her skeptically. “Zander said you assigned him to my room.”
Athena let out a small laugh. “I’m sure he did. He’d never admit that he was as curious and eager to get to know you as I am. But he was the first to offer when I asked for volunteers.”
This had my attention. Zander had lied to me about such a trivial, insignificant detail. The notion bothered me more than it should. Why wouldn’t he just tell the truth about wanting to be my guard? It didn’t make sense.
Athena made polite conversation as I ate my eggs and french toast. I tried to be respectful and well-mannered as I listened to her courteous prattle, but her voice was just a ringing in the back of my mind because I was focused on Zander. By the end of our meal, I hadn’t heard a word Athena had said. After she left, I made a mental note to apologize when I saw her again for being so impolite.
I tried to distract myself for the rest of the day, but it was difficult. My thoughts kept going back to Zander and wondering if he was upset. Would things go back to the way they were before when Zander and I were cold and formal toward one another? Had I ruined any chance we had at being friends now that we were finally making some progress? Would I even see him again, or would Athena have to assign another soldier to guard my room in Zander’s place?
It wasn’t until that evening that I had the answers to my questions. I opened the door to find Zander standing in the threshold. He greeted me with chicken, mashed potatoes, and a dazzling smile that sent my heart fluttering.
“Hi,” I breathed, relief flooding through me. “I was hoping you would come back.”
He stepped over the threshold. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, you weren’t at breakfast.”
“I had an armed forces meeting that I couldn’t reschedule, given our current climate,” he said. “Didn’t my mom tell you?”
“She did, but I thought she was just covering for you because you didn’t want to see me,” I admitted sheepishly.
“Why the hell wouldn’t I want to see you, Kai?”
A deep blush flooded my cheeks. “Because I… kissed you.”
To my surprise, Zander let out a deep chuckle. “So, you think I would stop coming to see you just because we kissed?”
I nodded.
“I guess that says a lot about my character,” he said, humor dancing in his eyes.
“Well, we never really talked about where we stood,”
I explained.“I’m so sorry if I offended you, Zander. I’m not sure what came over me.”
He shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. If anything, I should be the one to apologize. I didn’t handle the situation very well. I knew we had formed a connection, but I didn’t think it was that kind of relationship.”
My heart dropped; a romantic relationship hadn’t even been on Zander’s radar. I had made a complete fool out of myself for no reason. Perfect.
I sighed. “My behavior was unacceptable. But don’t worry, it won’t happen again.”
Zander snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. Was the kiss unexpected? Absolutely,” he said. I dropped my head in embarrassment. He placed his thumb on my chin and tilted my head so that my deep browns eyes were staring into his crystal blues. “But, I’m glad that you kissed me, Kai.”
“Really? I whispered, my heart racing.
He grinned. “Really. I’ve had some time to think about this, to contemplate my feelings for you. You stir emotions in me that I’ve never felt before. I like the man I am when you’re around. It is a little weird that I’m falling for a suit, I have to admit,” he said with a playful smile.
“I’ve had to rewire my brain a little to erase some of the foul things I’d associated with suits, but once I did, I realized that our differences don’t matter. To me, you’re much more than a suit. You are the most fascinating person I have ever met. You make me a better person and help me see the world in ways that I never expected to. All that matters is what we feel for each other,” he said, interlocking his hand in mine. Butterflies came alive in my stomach at his touch. “I’ve loved every moment we’ve spent together in this suite, and I’m glad to know that you feel the same way.”
