Unsuitable

by Dawn Norwell

“They’re already upset, Zander, and they’re taking it out on me! Do you know how many death threats I got today?” His eyes widened with alarm. “I’ve been spit on, screamed at, and pushed around for hours, and the only thing that got me through the day was thinking ‘at least I have Zander’. Well, it turns out that I only have Zander when it’s convenient for him. You’ve made that clear.”

  A battle raged in his eyes. “I still want to be with you, Kai, I just can’t do it in public. It would be political suicide.”

  The more Zander tried to justify his thinking, the more aggrieved I became. Could he not see how hurtful his behavior was?

  “I’m sorry, but I refuse to be anyone’s dirty little secret. You’ve got to make a decision, Zander.”

  He stared at me, and I saw the conflict etched into his face. Right then, I knew that I had my answer. If he couldn’t admit that what he was doing was wrong, then I wasn’t sure I could be with him. I squared my shoulders, knowing what I had to do, and hating myself for doing it.

  “I understand that you’ve got to do what’s best for you, Zander, but I have to do what’s best for me too. And, right now, that means being as far away from you as possible,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “Kai…” he started, but I didn’t want to hear it.

  “Just go.” I opened the front door for him to leave.

  A look of intense pain crossed his face. The wounded expression in his blue eyes nearly broke my resolve. But I bit my jaw, knowing that I owed more to myself than to be someone’s secret fling. His mouth opened and closed as though he wanted to argue, but couldn’t find the words. Instead, he clamped his lips into a taut line.

  Knowing that I was right and that there was nothing he could do to change that fact, Zander hung his head with a sigh. Then he walked out of the apartment and out of my life.

  **********

  The tears continued to flow as I reflected on my terrible day. The suite I had come to consider my home was gone, the unsuits still hated me and had been unrelentingly cruel, and the man I’d thought that I could trust decided that he didn’t care enough about me to try to make our relationship work. In a matter of twenty-four hours, my entire world had been turned upside down.

  I walked through the next several weeks in a zombie-like daze, just drifting from place to place, my mind on Zander the entire time. I had cherished our weeks spent in quiet isolation, and had grown to care for him more than I wish I had. Now, I could see that allowing myself to fall for him had been a mistake. It was surreal that he left me when I needed him the most.

  What had seemed like a budding romance to me hadn’t been perceived that way by him. For Zander, I had been some surreptitious love affair, someone he could be with when it was convenient, but cast away the moment he no longer wanted them. I knew I deserved better than that, but that didn’t lessen the pain I felt at not having him in my life.

  Day after day I dredged on the best I could, suffering through the turmoil of the day before going to bed alone each night. Seeing the empty side of the bed where Zander once slept was enough to make me miss Concord. Inside the dome, you didn’t date or marry for love. Although the concept was sad in a way, it prevented the heartbreak I was experiencing at losing a man who was never even mine to begin with.

  As if losing Zander wasn’t painful enough, tensions around Nova didn’t ease as the weeks passed. I had hoped that, with time, things would calm down and I could become accepted among the community. But that was wishful thinking. The unsuits still treated me like I was garbage, harassing me every moment of the day. But I soon grew so accustomed to their treatment that I hardly even noticed after a while.

  After a while, I became emotionally numb. The only time I felt anything was when I’d see Zander around Nova. On more than one occasion, I had glanced up to see his bright blue eyes focused on me, hurt reflected in them as he watched his people taunt and tease me. But he never interjected.

  Instead, he would turn away and shrug it off, as though not seeing this behavior would make it a thing of fiction. I couldn’t say that I was surprised by his reaction. He’d made it clear that his reputation was more important to him than I was. I had long ago given up hope that he’d step in and make my life in Nova more bearable. Besides, I didn’t want his help because then I would owe him, and I refused to live indebted to the man who broke my heart.

  The pain would come in spurts, escalating, and then ebbing. Usually, I could manage the ache. Time taught me how to store this agony in some faraway place, distancing myself from the pain, living life in a state of detachment. But on those rare moments when I spotted Zander across the crowded cafeteria, or he snubbed me as we passed in the hallways, the pain would come crashing back. It weighed on me, like a pile of bricks on my chest that wouldn’t give, choking and suffocating me until he left the room, and I was dead inside once more.

  Though I tried to avoid him, our interactions were inevitable. Sometimes he would try to make eye contact or give a small smile, but I didn’t reciprocate his guilt-ridden pleasantries. He was the one who had walked away; I had no obligation to be nice to him. Instead, I held my head high, pretending that his departure did not affect me, but knowing deep down that I hadn’t left this relationship- or whatever it had been- as unscathed as I portrayed.

  Of course I noticed him- how could I not? But the man I saw before me wasn’t the same person who I had grown to care for. This wasn’t my Zander, this surly and stone-faced man. This wasn’t the same person who talked about his dreams and goals for the city, or spoke of his friends and family in a loving tone. No, this Zander was a disguise, the version that he saved for his day-to-day business, the one I didn’t care to know. It was all pretend. I grieved Zander like a lost loved one because, in a way, that’s how it felt. The Zander I had known was gone.

  The thing that bothered me the most was that Zander was back to hanging out with Jax. The idea made me sick to my stomach. Despite their fallout and everything that Jax tried to do to me, Zander was still willing to be his friend. That said a lot about Zander’s character, and I realized that maybe I hadn’t known him as well as I had thought I did.

  Despite squashing their differences, it was clear that Jax was still afraid of Zander because Jax never harassed me when Zander was nearby. But when he wasn’t there, I became enemy number one. He tormented me every chance he got- tripping me in the hallway, yelling obscenities at me, calling me appalling names, and just generally treating me like I was filth.

  Sometimes he would sit at my table with his friends during meals, just to ensure the persecution was as direct as possible. Jax enjoyed an audience for his harassment. He instigated a lot of confrontations and peer-pressured others to do the same, even when they seemed uncomfortable doing so.

  I made sure there was always someone else around when I walked from the cafeteria to work and back home. On more than one occasion, I had glanced up to see Jax lingering in the hallway of my barracks, glaring at me for an uncomfortable amount of time. It would send a chill down my spine, and I would flee the room in a frenzy, like a caged animal being released for the first time. I never felt truly safe when Jax was around. I made it a habit to push the dresser against my front door at night as extra reinforcement, just in case.

  Since I’d been thrown back into unsuit society, I had lost over twenty pounds. Between grieving the death of my relationship and the cafeteria workers still refusing to serve me, I was slowly dwindling away. I could see the dark rings under my eyes, accentuating my sunken cheekbones. I noticed the way that my ribs and collarbone showed through the thin fabric of my shirt, but I couldn’t muster the energy to care. I could tell that it bothered Zander by the way his forehead creased in worry and the guilt that formed behind his pinched eyes as he glanced at me across the room. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but thought better of it.

  Good, I thought. He lost the right to an opinion the moment he walked out the door.

  Working in the hospital was still much of
the same. Patients could be on the verge of death, but they would still refuse my help. My decades of knowledge and experience were being wasted doing small, mundane tasks around the clinic. I suppose I should be annoyed, but the truth was that it didn’t bother me anymore. At least these were chores that I could do without thinking, which was what my mind needed the most these days.

  About a month after Zander and I had broken up, I was in the shower, minding my own business and trying to rinse away the stress of another hectic day, when I heard laughter outside the shower stall. I opened the curtain but didn’t see anyone else in the room, so I continued washing off. I rinsed off in a hurry, trying to spend as little time near the unsuits as possible, so as to limit the amount of time they could harass me. It wasn’t until I was finished showering and was ready to dry off that I realized my clothes and towel were missing.

  I stood in the stall, water dripping from my body as I contemplated my options. My shoulders hunched in defeat. There was only one exit in this room, and I suspected that I wouldn’t like what was waiting for me outside of it.

  They did it, I thought to myself, as a tear fell down my cheek. They finally broke me.

  I let out a sigh. I would have to walk back to my room eventually, and when I did so, I would be completely nude. Few things truly bothered me these days, but this did.

  I stayed in the bathroom for a long time, dreading the moment I would have to leave. I knew what was waiting for me beyond those doors. No unsuit would have done this unless they wanted to see me hurt. They would want to make the biggest show of my vulnerability as possible, a spectacle in front of a large crowd. Of all of the things that I’d endured in Nova thus far, this would be one of the worst.

  At that moment, I wondered if I might not be better off taking my chances and heading back to Concord. Yes, I was a traitor and would be executed for my crimes, but at times like this, I was so forlorn that this idea didn’t seem like a bad option. I gave an involuntary shiver; these thoughts scared me. I shook the notion from my mind, remembering Lei and her execution. No amount of mistreatment could be worse than that.

  Knowing that I only had one option, I took a deep breath, trying to calm the trembling in my legs enough so that I could take a step forward. With my head held tall, I opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the full corridor.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: MAKING PEACE & MENDING FENCES

  A s I’d suspected, a multitude had gathered outside the communal bathroom, eager to witness my humiliation. Front and center was Jax, a roguish smile plastered onto his smug face. I should have figured that this degradation would be his doing.

  As soon as I stepped into the hallway, the crowd converged, creating an impenetrable crescent that surrounded me. My hands tried to conceal the nakedness of my body, but I was still exposed, on display for all of Nova to see. I’d never felt as vulnerable as I did at that moment as I tried to cover myself, hoping to hang on to some of my dignity. But I could only hide so much.

  My composure started strong; I was determined not to let them see how much their pranks affected me. But my resolve quickly faded. I wasn’t normally a self-conscious person, but it would be hard not to feel insecure with a crowd pointing, snickering, and making negative remarks about my body. My eyes welled with tears as the group relished in merriment at my expense.

  I tried to move past the mob, but I couldn’t thwart the blockade that had formed around me. Every time I found a gap, someone would push me back to the center of the chortling group, forcing me to play the role of court jester once again.

  “What’s going on here?” I heard a familiar voice ask. I saw Zander shoving through the crowd, eager to see what was so interesting.

  Not him, I begged, anyone but him. As if my evening hadn’t already been mortifying enough, my ex-boyfriend was the last person I wanted to see, given my predicament.

  My heart accelerated, and a deep blush covered every part of my naked body. As he broke through the horde, I hugged myself tighter and glanced toward the ground, unable to look at him. Zander’s arrival had been the last straw. I could no longer hold back the tears that were now streaming down my cheeks.

  When Zander noticed me, he stopped dead in his tracks. He seemed dumbfounded as he took in the scene before him. I peaked at him through my lashes and saw genuine remorse in his eyes at what I was enduring. But his guilt soon gave way to fury. His body was shaking, and his hands clenched into fists as his eyes bore into mine. His face turned dark crimson, and an angry fire burned in his eyes.

  “What the hell is wrong with you people?!” Zander bellowed, turning on the unsuits. His outburst caused the crowd to fall silent. He rushed forward, taking off his jacket and wrapping it securely around me. I burrowed into it, trying to hide my disgrace in the folds. “This is a human being that you are torturing. Have you no shame?!”

  “My brother was a human being too, and he died in the Compartment A attack that she knew about!” a man yelled, stepping forward and thrusting a quivering finger into my face. His breathing was labored, coming out in angry huffs as he glared at me.

  “I suggest you back the hell up, Lexus,” Zander said through gritted teeth, stepping between the two of us. The man quickly backed away, cowering away from the authority in Zander’s voice.

  “What happened in Compartment A was a shame. But it was Concord who caused those deaths. Kai is not responsible for the actions of the Syndicate, no matter how much you try to force the culpability onto her. Tormenting her will not get the revenge you so desperately yearn for, nor will it bring back your loved ones,” he said, his voice softer now.

  “Maybe she knew about the attack, and maybe she didn’t. It doesn’t change the fact that she warned us that the Syndicate was going to attack in the first place. Had she not shown up when she did, we would all be dead. Everyone standing here owes her your life. You should be groveling at her feet, thanking her for her sacrifice,” Zander said, as the crowd scoffed at him.

  “I hope you’re all ashamed of your behavior lately. I know I am,” he said, glancing down at me. “But things are going to change around here. So help me God, if I see any of you harassing her like this again, I’ll kick your asses my damn self.”

  His bright blue eyes narrowed menacingly at the crowd, daring someone to rebuke him. But no one did; they were all too afraid to say anything after his stern reprimanding.

  Zander wrapped his arms protectively around my shoulders and forced his way through the crowd, leaving them standing speechless behind us. I didn’t miss Jax staring daggers at us as we passed him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked when we were behind the safety of my apartment door. I gave a solemn nod, unable to formulate words. “I am so sorry. This makes twice now that I’ve let you down,” he sighed. “You’ve been going through hell for something you didn’t even do. Here I am, worried about my image, and you’ve been living this nightmare all alone. I mean, look at you. You’re so skinny that you almost look sick,” he said. I hugged the jacket closer to my body, further hiding my body. “I should have been there for you, Kai. I should have supported you from the beginning, should have stepped in sooner when I saw what was happening.”

  Zander stroked my cheek with his thumb, wiping the relentless tears from my face. His hand lingered on my face, caressing my jawline.

  “Yes, you should have,” I murmured, yanking my face out of his hands.

  He hung his head in shame. “You have every right to be angry with me.”

  “You think?” I muttered irritably. He was right; he had been a jerk. For weeks now, I had wandered around Nova, enduring all of the taunting and hatred, and not once did he seem to care. Being one of the most powerful people in Nova, he could have stopped it long ago if he had chosen to. But he didn’t. And there was nothing he could do that would undo that.

  The emotions I had been suppressing for so long- the anger, the resentment, the heartache- they all came flooding back with a vengeance. It took all of my willpower not to double
over from the pain. I had opened up to Zander, something I had never done with anyone else. I gave him a piece of me, and instead of keeping it close and secure, he ripped it to shreds. Now I wasn’t sure if I would ever be whole again.

  “You made it clear where we stand,” I said, opening the door for him. “Don’t worry about me, Zander. I’ll be fine. Go back to Jax and the unsuits that you so dearly love. I’m letting you off the hook.”

  Zander wrapped his hand around the doorknob and shut it gently. “I’m not going anywhere, Kai. Not this time.”

  He stepped toward me, trying to wrap me into a soothing embrace, but I rebuked him. I didn’t want to be near him right now, this man, this stranger who had hurt me. I was pissed and wounded, and no amount of consoling on his part could undo that.

  “Kai…” he whispered, tears swimming in his eyes. “You have no idea how sorry I am. The amount of agony I’ve endured, it’s unbearable.”

  Good, I thought pettily. I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest with agitation. If I’d been suffering these past few weeks, I was glad that he had been too. I didn’t feel sorry for him. My anguish had been suppressed and was now replaced by bitterness and hostility.

  He sensed my warring emotions, his shoulders slumping forward with the weight of his remorse. “I can’t even begin to understand the anger you must feel for me, the hatred. I betrayed your trust and unnecessarily cruel. I succumbed to peer pressure, running away like a coward when I should have stood by your side. It will forever be one of my biggest regrets,” he admitted.

  His gaze lingered into mine. His blue eyes were full of pain, his brow furrowed with agony. As a single tear fell down his cheek, I found my resolve wavering.

  I chastised myself for letting him get to me. I couldn’t exonerate Zander just because he came crawling back with kind words. He abandoned me when I needed him the most, and I wasn’t sure I could forgive him for that, no matter how apologetic he may seem.