Unsuitable

by Dawn Norwell

  My heart dropped. Athena was dead? Kind, sweet-heartened Athena, who had welcomed me into Nova with open arms, who had treated me like a daughter from the moment she met me? The same woman who raised a son and led an entire group of outcasts, all on her own? Of all the people to lose their life to the Syndicate, she would have been the last on my list, second only to Zander.

  My heart ached for Zander. As upset as I was, I could only imagine how he must feel. He had lost not one, but two parents now. I knew I would need to find him soon, to make sure that he was alright, but what could I say when I saw him?

  The only reason Athena was in Concord was because I got captured, and I left a trail of how to find me. Of course, Zander and Athena, being the courageous warriors that they were, would come looking for me, even when they knew that it was a suicide mission. It was my fault that Athena was dead; I knew that, and Zander would too.

  “The rest of Nova doesn’t know yet, but I thought you should, considering how close you two were,” Ximea continued, oblivious to the emotions warring inside of me. “I wanted to warn you before you caught wind of it somewhere else.”

  Her eyes locked on mine, and she furrowed her brow in thought. She stared for a long moment with apprehension etched onto her face; there was more that she wasn’t telling me.

  “What is it?” I asked, concerned.

  “There’s also something else that you should know. I’m not sure how to say it,” she said, her eyes falling to the floor. “It’s about your… condition.”

  “My condition?” I asked, mentally assessing my body.

  With the amount of distress I’d endured while in prison, there were any number of things that could have occurred. Nothing seemed broken or permanently damaged, although it would be hard to tell with the pain medication I was currently receiving.

  “I did some additional tests because your hormone levels were higher than normal, and I was worried,” Ximea explained. Her troubled brown eyes met mine. “Kai, you’re pregnant.”

  **********

  “Are you okay?” Ximea asked, handing me a glass of water. I grasped it with shaking hands. “I know it’s probably a bit of a shock.”

  I let out a humorless snort. “Shock doesn’t even begin to cover it,” I mumbled, taking a sip of the water. “Are you sure that I’m pregnant?”

  She nodded and opened my medical chart, laying it across my lap for me to read. My hCG levels were through the roof. There was no denying that I had a tiny human growing inside of me.

  Although I’d always known that I wanted to be a mother someday, I never visualized myself carrying the child. It was something that seemed impossible, considering the strict procedures about genmod creation inside the dome. But I wasn’t in the dome anymore, and those rules no longer applied.

  I subconsciously placed my hand over my abdomen. Could there really be a baby in there? A little piece of me and a little piece of Zander, coming together in perfect unison to create a new life? The idea amazed me.

  I counted the weeks in my head, guessing that it had been three months since my last period; I hadn’t even noticed that I’d missed. With the imprisonment and interrogations going on, it was the last thing on my mind.

  My astonishment quickly turned to terror as I recalled the last several weeks. I vividly remembered the days of starvation, electrocution, and cruelty. Everything that I had endured while in Concord, the fetus had suffered through, too. Suddenly, I was terrified for my baby’s life.

  “Ximea,” I said gravely. Her eyes bulged with alarm as she read the trepidation on my face. I explained what happened in Concord, sparing no gruesome detail, in case it could be used to help the baby. Ximea listened patiently, cringing only a few times at my recollections.

  “I’m still waiting on some test results to come back, but let’s not worry just yet,” she said, trying to placate me, but I could see my anxiety reflected on her face.

  While we waited for the labs to process, Ximea pulled out the portable ultrasound machine and squirted the cold gel onto my bare stomach. I stared at the screen with wide, fearful eyes as she moved the Doppler across my abdomen, searching for the baby.

  Please, I begged. Please be okay.

  Those two minutes of searching for a heartbeat were the most agonizing moments of my life. I was on the brink of tears, nearly resigning that the baby had not withstood the strenuous weeks of torture, when Ximea let out a sigh of relief.

  “There we are,” she said with a smile. She pointed to the monitor, as a heartbeat began echoing from the machine.

  I was filled with wonder as I watched the fetus moving on the ultrasound machine. There they were- our child. They were okay. I smiled with relief, gaping at my little peanut-sized blob on the monitor. I reached out and touched the image as though I could feel the baby through the screen. Knowing that I had this little life growing inside of me, made the weeks of pain and torment disappear.

  “I don’t see any signs of permanent damage,” Ximea said, “but the baby’s size and weight are less than average for this stage of pregnancy. I’m going to need you to increase your calorie intake to get things back on track. Other than that, everything appears to be in order,” she said with a brilliant smile.

  Tears of relief streamed down my face as I listened to the strong heartbeat. I didn’t know if I was ready to become a mother. But staring at the image of my baby on the screen, I knew that this was meant to be. I may not have planned for this to happen, but it felt right, like a perfect, silver-lining on the darkness that had recently filled my life.

  I wanted nothing more than to run to Zander and tell him about the little person we created together, but the thought of doing so made me recoil. He had just lost his mother; now was not the time.

  Still, I wondered what his reaction might be. He would be stunned, of course- I certainly was. And I’m certain he would be just as terrified at the concept of raising a child as I was. But once the shock wore off, would he be happy?

  Of course, he will be. It’s a baby, I thought to myself. But then I realized that this might not be true. He didn’t ask for, especially not now. He had aspirations in life and had been very open about the fact that he didn’t want children. He was adamant that he would never bring a child into this world and put them at risk of a Syndicate attack, would never chance leaving them the way that his father, and now his mother, had.

  Besides, I still didn’t know where Zander and I stood. It had been almost a month since we last saw each other, and our last words had been said in anger. Now, after everything with Athena, he may want nothing to do with the person liable for his mother’s death, the person responsible for making him an orphan.

  The idea of revealing this baby to Zander, of putting even more strain on our relationship, made me want to vomit. I didn’t want to lose him, and this might be the very thing that pushed him away from me for good.

  Still, no matter how upset he got, or what might happen between the two of us, Zander had a right to know that he was going to be a father. How he reacted to the news would be a big determiner in the future of our relationship. I loved Zander, but I loved my little peanut too. I would do anything in my power to protect them both.

  I just hoped that I wouldn’t have to choose between them.

  **********

  During my two-day hospital stay, I watched Ximea care for the dozens of soldiers who were injured during the retrieval mission. Guilt consumed me as she stitched their gaping wounds, set broken bones, and conducted minimally invasive surgery.

  I couldn’t bear to look the soldiers in their eyes; they were hurt because of me. Athena and three others were dead because of me. I wasn’t sure my heart would ever stop aching when I thought of their sacrifice.

  The only moment I wasn’t racked with remorse was when I gazed at my peanut on the ultrasound machine. I would have been content to lie back and watch the little blob for hours, but I didn’t want anyone else to know about the baby before I had the opportunity to tell Zande
r, so I begrudgingly put the ultrasound machine away. Without my baby to distract me, my mind drifted to dark places, haunted with memories from my time in the penitentiary.

  I hadn’t gotten the chance to look in a mirror since being rescued, but I could only imagine how gruesome I looked. My face was still covered in abrasions and bruises, the rest of my body permanently scarred from my dear brother’s interrogations. My hair had begun to grow back, but only in small, wispy tufts that I couldn’t do anything with. The weeks of starvation caused me to lose all of the muscle that I’d gained while training in Nova. My body was so gaunt that you could easily count each of my ribs.

  Though it was a process, I was slowly healing, inside and out. I was eating regularly for the first time in weeks, scarfing down food the moment it touched my lap. I slept through the night for the first time in a long time. Hallucinations and flashbacks to my imprisonment still plagued me, and I often woke up in a cold sweat, but I was comforted when I came to in the safe confines of the clinic.

  It was the waiting that bothered me the most- waiting for Ximea to finish working so we could talk, waiting until meal time so I could fill my now continuously empty stomach, waiting for Zander to show up. I worried about what I would say when I saw him again, how I would apologize for what happened with Athena, and whether to reveal the pregnancy or not. But I stressed for no reason because he never came. That was the most excruciating part of my hospital stay. I told myself that he was just busy and would visit when he had time, but it hurt my heart that the time never came to see me.

  A million questions ran through my mind- was Zander still angry with me? Would he break up with me because of what happened? And, if so, what would happen with the baby? My racing thoughts were interrupted by soft chimes that resounded to gather our attention, followed by Zander’s voice resonating through the city via the use of a PA system.

  “Good morning, everyone. Please gather together in the courtyard in fifteen minutes for an announcement,” he said. It had been so long since I'd heard his voice that my heart leaped with joy.

  Although I had recovered greatly since leaving Concord, my leg muscles were still unreliable, so Ximea insisted that I use a wheelchair. I felt ridiculous as she rolled down the street and toward the courtyard, everyone turning to stare at me. Some of their faces contorted with disgust or pity when they took in my patchy scalp, and bright red scars. Some turned away, as though whatever injuries inflicted me could be contagious. Others narrowed their eyes at me with hatred. I could only imagine the thoughts that were running through their minds:

  "Oh great, she’s back."

  "There’s the suit who has been causing trouble since the moment she got here."

  "I knew it was only a matter of time before she got some of our people killed.”

  Paranoia swept through me as they glared. Ximea, who sensed my discomfort, had mercy, and pushed my wheelchair a little faster, parking it discretely in the back of the square, away from everyone else. I truly loved that girl.

  “Can I have your attention, please?” Zander stepped onto a stage in the middle of the courtyard and up to a microphone. “I know we are all busy with the recovery process, so I’ll be brief,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I know that there have been rumors circulating that Commander Malara is no longer with us. I wanted you all to hear it from me that the rumors are true.”

  The crowd erupted in gasps and cries of outrage. A few people began to sob, as the news sank in that Nova’s beloved leader had passed away.

  “My mother, being the selfless person that she was, volunteered to go into battle against the Syndicate, even though she was adamantly opposed to war,” Zander continued. “We knew that it was a nearly impossible feat, but thanks to some inside information, we were able to enter the dome and retrieve top-secret intel.

  “Most of our soldiers arrived home safely, and for that, we are thankful. But we did lose four of our own in the process- Zackeri LaBreche, Seau Freeman, Nida Kissinger, and of course, our fearless leader, Athena Malara.” His voice was steady, but his face contorted with grief. “I ask that we take a moment to recognize them for their courageousness and their service to our city.”

  Zander paused for a moment, allowing the residents of Nova to absorb the news. My heart sank, thinking of the four lives that were lost to save mine; it seemed like such a waste. Who was I but a naïve suit who brought the Syndicate’s malicious to Nova’s front door? Why should gallant and generous individuals like Athena and the other soldiers pay the price for my choices? It didn’t seem fair.

  People around me grieved, hiding their faces behind tissues, or balling their hands into fists in anger. Everyone had loved Athena, and they were distraught that she was gone. Though I had only known her for a short time, I felt the same sorrow at her loss; the world would be a crueler place without her in it.

  “With that being said,” Zander continued, “Nova is in between leaders right now. If anyone wants to put their name in for the running, now would be the time to do so.”

  Silence fell upon the courtyard. “I think it should be you,” a young man called.

  “I second that,” someone else said. “Who better to rule us, than the son of the finest leader Nova has ever had?”

  “Agreed,” Ximea yelled, getting to her feet.

  All around the city, people murmured in agreement. Slowly, everyone joined in a round of applause, climbing to their feet to show Zander their support. Even with my injured and unstable legs, I managed to join them, agreeing that there was no one more qualified or more deserving than this man who always put Nova first. I couldn’t help but think of how proud Athena would have been as Zander stood before his people with his head held high.

  “If everyone is in agreement, then?” Zander asked. He looked around the expanse for someone to dispute, but no one does; everyone agreed that he was the best fit for the job. “Then, I accept the position, effective immediately.”

  The room erupted with cheers and applause. Everyone, myself included, touched our thumbs to our foreheads, and raised our fists high into the air, signaling our solidary and support of Zander Malara, the new leader of Nova.

  I was happy for Zander because this had always been his goal, but it was a bittersweet moment. Yes, he wanted to lead his people, but not like this, not because his predecessor, his own flesh and blood, had been slaughtered in a senseless battle.

  I knew that he was hurting, but Zander hid his pain well, giving a small smile to the crowd as he stepped down from the podium. His people congratulated, arms reaching out to touch him as he strode through the multitude toward the back of the room where Ximea and I were standing.

  “Zander,” I called, reaching my hand toward him, longing to provide some small comfort to him during his time of grief. He turned to look at me for a fraction of a second, his face grimacing with repugnance, the same as he had the first day I’d arrived in Nova. Then he walked away without another word.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: RESEARCH & REPARATIONS

  A s I laid in my hospital bed, my mind was on Zander. I’d expected he would be upset with me about everything that had happened, but I hadn’t anticipated seeing such hatred on his face, a loathing that cut me to the bone, an abhorrence rivaling what he’d shown when we first met.

  I rubbed my hand anxiously across my head, running my fingers through the soft stubble that had just started to grow back since leaving captivity. My heart ached, remembering how repulsed Zander had been by my presence, any hope I had that our relationship might overcome this setback was long gone. A tear slipped down my cheek at the overwhelming isolation I felt. I was on my own now.

  But then I realized how false the notion was. Even if Zander didn’t want me now, I wasn’t alone. Not anymore. I rubbed my hand across my abdomen, thinking of the tiny peanut growing inside of me, reminding me that I wasn’t as forsaken as I seemed. I would have to figure out what to do about our baby by myself. I sniffled and wiped the tears from my eyes. I had to be strong
for my little one.

  The following morning was Zander’s induction ceremony. Despite Ximea’s protest, I was adamant that I would be attending. She begged me to use a wheelchair, but I refused. My body was weak, and blemishes and wounds still covered my body, but I was determined to push through the pain. I wanted to stand strong in the crowd for Zander’s initiation.

  I watched in amazement as he stood in front of his people and was sworn in as the leader of Nova. Despite the cold welcome he’d given me, I wanted desperately to be his side during this process, to congratulate him on achieving his lifelong goal. But Zander made it his mission to circumvent my curious eyes at every turn, negating any doubts I might have had about whether I was welcome.

  In the afternoon, an observance was held for the soldiers who had passed away during the retrieval mission. It was a very difficult service for me. The guilt I experienced as I stared at the victim’s cold, pale faces, and the sight of their grieving families sobbing around the caskets was almost more than I could bear.

  The hardest part was saying goodbye to Athena. I gazed at her lifeless body nestled in the wooden coffin, her blonde hair falling in waves across her still chest. It was surreal to think that she was dead. She had seemed so resilient when we first met, invincible, a force to be reckoned with. I could hardly fathom that the powerful leader who would do anything to protect her people was gone, that her strong-willed spirit had left her body, leaving behind nothing but a human shell. Now she looked vulnerable, breakable, a delicate rose whose petals could fall at a moment’s notice.

  Although I had only had a few months with Athena, it felt as if she had always been a part of my life. Knowing that I would never hear her words of wisdom again, and would never again see the sweet, loving smile or the way her face lit up when she talked to her son, broke my heart.