Unsuitable

by Dawn Norwell

  Would the Syndicate stoop so low? I asked myself, but I knew the answer. Of course, they would- they had done the same thing with Leilani. My cheeks heated with rage. Although I didn’t have any proof, I knew deep down that the Syndicate was responsible for my parents’ deaths.

  Although things didn’t go as planned, I knew that they wouldn’t change their fates, for they died fighting the same battle that I was attempting to fight now. It was as though we had come full circle.

  My father had connections in Nova, ones that he could leak government intel to. My mother had resources inside the medical and research centers and could change people’s mentality before they were even born. Together, the two were the perfect pair to bring a revolution to Concord. Except, they never had the chance.

  But I did. I had the opportunity that they never had, the information and the resources needed to bring down hellfire on the Syndicate’s head.

  At that moment, I vowed to honor my parents’ memory by doing everything in my power to help Nova succeed in the inevitable battle. I would channel the anger and sadness inside of my heart to target the Syndicate and undo the harm that they had done. I would continue my parents’ legacy and finish what they started. I would help bring down the Syndicate for good.

  **********

  The Concord files quickly became my obsession. I spent hours each day pouring over the information, soaking it in like a sponge. The further apart Zander and I drifted, the more captivated I became with my research until it was the only thought that consumed my mind.

  The weeks passed by in a blur, and still, Zander and I were not on speaking terms. I still hadn’t told him about the baby; I figured I would get to it in time. I wanted us to get past this speedbump in our relationship- if we were going to- before breaking the news. Admittedly, I wanted a little more time to bask in the joys of being pregnant before dealing with the reality of the situation.

  Zander was an honorable man, and I knew that he would do what he could to be in the baby’s life. I wanted him to be in mine, too, but as the months passed by, it looked less and less likely that we could rekindle the flame that we once had. I wasn’t sure if Zander would ever be able to forgive me for what happened to his mother, and how were we supposed to move on from that?

  Ximea was a saint, seeing me after normal clinic hours for regular check-ups so I could keep my secret. I hated that she had to keep something so massive from her best friend, but she knew it wasn’t her place to break the news to Zander. The situation was delicate; I would tell him when I felt it was the right time.

  Even if I wanted to tell Zander about the pregnancy, it would be hard to do so because he was never around anymore. His new role as the commander of Nova kept him busy, and he was in meetings all day, every day. Despite what he said, I knew that he was going out of his way to avoid me. It was clear that the fun, carefree relationship we once had, died the moment Athena’s heart stopped beating.

  I was also beginning to worry about Zander’s mental stability. The unsuits quieted their conversations when I entered the room, but I heard the gossip. Rumors had started circulating about Zander using some unorthodox interrogation methods on a few suits who were captured during the retrieval mission. I could see it in their eyes that the people were growing afraid, and were starting to question electing him as their leader.

  Though I didn’t want to believe it was true, I couldn’t help but notice a deep-seated anger in Zander on the few occasions we had spoken. He was different after his mother’s death, forever changed. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was taking those frustrations out on the people he blamed for making him an orphan- the suits.

  The idea made my stomach churn. Though I tried to suppress them, unwanted memories of my time in the dungeons with Thane came resurfacing. I knew I had to see for myself if the rumors were true. If Zander was behaving how the others suggested, it would be a deciding factor on if he would be involved in this baby’s life.

  When Zander left for a military meeting that afternoon, I decided to follow him. I trailed behind him, keeping my distance as he journeyed to the outskirts of Nova. He walked down a dark backstreet and into a seemingly abandoned building with a dozen men and women, locking the door behind them.

  I tiptoed to the building, careful to keep quiet. There were no windows in the room, so I couldn’t see what was happening. But I didn’t need to see into the building, to know the truth. The agonizing wails of those imprisoned inside told me all that I needed to know. My eyes welled with tears as their cries resonated through the alley, reminding me of my weeks of torment. I nearly ran back to the cottage in my desperate attempt to flee from their pain.

  Hours later, when Zander returned home, the tears were still flowing. I saw compassion in his eyes as he took in my sorrow, but the words that left his mouth were harsh. “What’s your problem?”

  His cool response incensed me. The floodgates opened, allowing all of the emotions I had stored inside to come pouring out.

  “My problem is that you are torturing innocent people, and have the audacity to pretend like that’s okay.”

  Zander laughed humorlessly, going into the kitchen and starting a pot of coffee. His nonchalant attitude about the situation was more terrifying than the fact that he was inflicting injuries on other living beings.

  “Your mother would have never allowed this,” I muttered, cringing away from the anger that flashed in his crystal eyes.

  “Well, she’s not exactly around to put in her two cents, now is she?” he said, slamming the kitchen cabinet.

  I cringed. “So, that’s what this is about? Revenge? You can’t just hold innocent people prisoner because it makes you feel better, Zander.”

  “Why not? The suits do it all the time.” My mouth opened, but I couldn’t find the words to say. He sighed. “Don’t think of it that way if it bothers you. Think of it as leverage. I have something the Syndicate wants. That will give us an upper hand if they come for us.”

  I scoffed. “You are delusional if you think that the Syndicate gives a damn about those prisoners. They will toss them aside, just like they tossed your ancestors out of the dome. They are nothing to them, dispensable, replaceable, always another suit to take their place.”

  “Then I’ll get what information I can out of them, and banish them to the wastelands.”

  I blanched at his words. “You would be sentencing them to death.”

  “Only if they refuse to cooperate. If they give us the information we need, we’ll let them stay here as our prisoners.”

  “And do what in the meantime? Torture them?”

  He shrugged. I stared at him, dumbfounded. “You’re unbelievable.” I yanked up my shirt sleeve to show the still healing wounds that scarred the surface of my dark skin. “What you’re doing to those prisoners is the same thing that Thane did to me. Is that the type of person you want to become?”

  His eyes softened, his face less harsh. “This is different.”

  I shook my head. “There has to be a better way, Zander,” I said, my voice almost a plea. I couldn’t bear the idea of other people- suit or unsuit- enduring what I had gone through.

  “There is no other way,” he said sternly. “This is about winning a war against a government who has murdered my people for generations. To do that, I need information, and that’s something I am not going to get without some forceful persuasion. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my people safe.”

  “Even if it means becoming the thing you hate the most?” I said, my voice barely audible. “If you keep this up, you’ll be no better than the Syndicate.”

  He opened his mouth to argue, but I had heard enough.

  “I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but that’s no excuse to treat people like they’re dispensable. I don’t even recognize you anymore, Zander. You’re changing, becoming more like a suit with each passing day. I don’t like the person you’re becoming, and I refuse to sit by and watch it happen.”

  “What
is that supposed to mean?” he asked, his lips pulling into a frown.

  “It means that I don’t think I can do this anymore,” I murmured.

  Without another word, I walked out the door and headed back to the hospital, the only other place where I felt safe in Nova, leaving Zander behind.

  **********

  “Are you sure about this?” Ximea asked when I told her I was moving out of the cottage.

  “I’m not sure about anything right now,” I mumbled. “All I know is that I can’t continue pretending Zander and I are something that we’re not. We’re two strangers now. Any love he had for me is long gone; I’m interested in living with someone who doesn’t want me around.”

  “And what about the baby?”

  “I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet,” I said with a sigh, “But either way, I see no reason for Zander to be involved. He doesn’t want kids anyway, so I would be doing him a favor by keeping this from him.”

  “Kai…” she started, but I cut her off.

  “I won’t have my child near someone who behaves like that. It’s not open for discussion,” I said with a sense of finality that quickly shut her up.

  That night, while Zander was at work, I began packing my bags. I wasn’t sure what I would do when the baby came, but I would figure it out. Somehow, I would find a way to manage on my own.

  When I was finished, I sat on the couch with my bags, waiting for Zander to come home. He probably wouldn’t even notice if I moved out, as much as he had been avoiding me, but I at least owed him the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation.

  When he walked through the front door, he spotted my luggage, and understanding dawned in his eyes.

  “Where are you going to go?” he asked, pouring himself a glass of brown liquor from the kitchen cabinet.

  “Figured I would stay with Ximea for a bit until I get my own place. She said it was okay,” I said quietly.

  He gave a small nod but didn’t say anything. I hadn’t expected him to be overly disappointed that I was leaving, considering the state of our relationship. But I had hoped to notice something, a small piece of him that still cared for me. Instead, all I saw was an emotionless and detached man.

  “Before I go,” I said, my voice thick with unshed emotion, “I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened. I know that it’s all my fault, and I understand why you’ve been avoiding me.”

  I kept my eyes trained on the floor, unable to look at him.

  “I can’t leave here without telling you how sorry I am, Zander. I was careless. If had been more aware of my surroundings, I wouldn’t have gotten captured, and Athena would still be with us. It’s something that I will never forgive myself for, but I hope that one day, you can forgive me,” I said.

  With a sad smile, I grabbed my bags and headed for the front door, but the sound of heavy footsteps coming behind caused me to hesitate. I turned around to see Zander approaching, his breathing labored, and his hands shaking with fury.

  “What… the fuck… did you just say?” Zander asked through gritted teeth, trying, and failing, to hide the anger in his voice. A deep crimson rose into his cheeks. For the first time since I had known him, I was truly scared.

  “I… I just didn’t want to leave without apologizing,” I stammered.

  “Why would you say that? He chewed the inside of his cheek as though he were trying to control himself. “Do you think that I blame you for my mother’s death?”

  “Well, yes,” I confessed. “And you should. If it weren’t for me, none of you would have come to Concord. No one would have died.”

  Zander let out a deep sigh of frustration. When he spoke again, he was much calmer. “Come here, Kai,” he said, sitting on the couch and patting the cushion beside him.

  I hesitated, knowing that every moment I waited, it would be that much harder to leave him. The pleading in his blue eyes melted my resolve, and I took a seat on the couch next to him. He grabbed my hands in his, startling me. It was the first time we had touched in nearly two months.

  “None of the things that happened were your fault. I watched the security footage. I know that you were ambushed. There was nothing that you could have done to stop that suit from taking you,” he said. “If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me.

  “You’re right. I have been avoiding you. But it’s not for the reasons that you think. I’m not upset with you or blame you for what happened to Mom. I blame myself. I know that the only reason you stayed late at the hospital that night was because I lashed out at you. Mom told me how upset and worried you were,” he explained. “If I hadn’t acted like such a child, this whole situation could have been avoided.”

  “Zander… no…” I started to say, but he stopped me.

  “I feel so much remorse for all of the things that I said to you. I blame myself for all of it- your capture, for what you had to endure in Concord, for not being able to rescue you sooner, and of course, Mom,” he said, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

  “Even though I was relieved to have you back in Nova safe and sound, I couldn’t be near you because it reminded me of all of the pain I caused. Instead of stepping up and helping you through this difficult time, I put up walls to keep you out. I kept you at arm’s length because I worried that you would wake up and realize that I was the cause of this whole mess. I was afraid you would leave me like you should have done a long time ago,” he admitted in a small voice. “Now, I’ve basically pushed you out the door.”

  His words broke my heart. This entire time I assumed that Zander hated me, but in reality, he hated himself. He placed all the blame for what happened on his shoulders, trying to force me from his life because he was afraid of hurting me. But the truth was, he couldn’t hurt me anymore than walking out the door would. Now that I knew the truth, there was no way that I could leave him. How could I walk away when he was in pain like this, and leave him to shoulder such a massive burden alone? I wouldn’t do that to him, to myself, to our child. If he couldn’t love himself, I would love him enough for the both of us.

  I set my luggage on the living room floor. “I’m not going to leave you, Zander.”

  He looked up, his eyes swimming with tears. “Why not? Your bags are already packed. You should just get out while you can. I mean, look at you, Kai,” he said, rolling up my sleeve and revealing the small red scars covering my arm. “I did that to you!”

  I snatched my arm away and pulled down my sleeve to hide the reminders of my captivity.

  “No, Zander… Thane did that to me. He’s been after me since we were kids, long before you and I were involved. It was bound to happen eventually. Maybe not to this degree,” I said with an involuntary shudder. “But he would have found a way to torment me somehow. There’s nothing you could have done to stop it. I promise.”

  Zander contemplated this for a moment but didn’t look convinced. “Okay, say that is true. It still doesn’t excuse my behavior. I pushed you into the Syndicate’s hands.” He frowned. “And afterward… My God, Kai. I never even hugged, or let you know that I loved you, or stopped by the hospital to make sure you were okay. Who does that?! I was so self-absorbed that I couldn’t take a moment to see how you were doing.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, gripping his hands tightly in mine as the tears flowed down his cheeks. “Do I wish you had visited me in the hospital? Of course, I do. But I understand why you didn’t. You were going through a lot with losing Athena, and making sure everyone was accounted for after the attack. And being voted unanimously as the new leader of Nova,” I said with a large smile.

  “Yeah, I didn’t expect that,” he said, glancing down at his feet. His lips curled upward, showing the first smile he’d given in weeks.

  “I did,” I said, lifting his chin so that he was forced to look at me. “You are a wonderful, caring person, Zander, and you will be a great leader. Everyone knows it. They would have been crazy not to vote for you.”

  His blue eyes filled with
wonder at my words. For the first time in a long time, I saw some life rekindle inside of him, a semblance of the man who I used to know. Deep down, buried behind the layers of hurt and pain, the man I fell in love with was still there.

  No matter how difficult the process may be, no matter how long it might take, I was determined to do everything that I could to help the old Zander resurface. For him, for myself, and for the child I carried inside of me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: A FAMILY FORMED

  “W ell, hello there,” Ximea said. Her face was full of surprise as Zander and I walked through the hospital doors, hand-in-hand.

  “Hey, Xi,” Zander smiled. “Sorry that I’ve got to run ladies, but this city doesn’t rule itself,” he said with a light-hearted laugh. The sound made my heart leap with joy. He wrapped his arm around my waist, and I nuzzled into his neck, feeling like I was finally home. “Will you be home tonight?” he asked.

  “You couldn’t keep me away if you tried.”

  Zander beamed. He kissed me softly, his lips pressing against mine with longing, the exchange speaking all of the words we had yet to say. I didn’t want the moment to end, and for a while, it didn’t. Neither of us pulled away until Ximea cleared her throat uncomfortably from across the room, finally impatient with our affection. I covered my mouth to stifle a giggle, my cheeks heating.

  “See you tonight, beautiful,” Zander said, giving me one last peck before walking gracefully through the hospital doors.

  I turned to see Ximea smirking at me.

  “What?” I asked, avoiding her eyes.

  “I hate to tell you this, Kai, but you stink of ending relationships,” she smirked, busying herself by folding the freshly washed hospital linen. “Hell, maybe I should leave my boyfriends more often if that’s the result.”

  “Ha-ha,” I retorted, the corners of my mouth pulling into a grin. “I did have every intention of leaving,” I admitted, my stomach clenching at the idea. “One minute, my bags were packed, and I was nearly out the door. The next minute, we’re hashing it out on the couch and realizing just how much we love one another. I’m not exactly sure how our dynamic shifted back to how it used to be, but I’m certainly glad it did.”