by Mary Ramsey
As if on cue, the door opened. A woman with long black hair and olive skin stood there in her chef whites. “I didn’t know we had company.”
Alyssa stood up. “Marni!” She greeted her wife with a kiss. “This is Raven Miller, she’s a friend of Adam’s. Raven, I assume you know Marni.”
“His first wife.” Off the top of my head, I knew Marni had been married to Adam for the majority of his time in service. “You’re the one who cheated on him!” Wait, how did I know that? Was Adam sending thoughts to my head?
“Well, I was married to Adam for over twenty years, and I have no idea who you are,” she said calmly as if the cheating was water under the bridge. Which, I guess, technically it was since Adam was dead.
“Twenty years? Wow, you don’t look a day over thirty. As for Adam, I just met him recently. But congrats, living in Sin City seems to really agree with you.” I regretted my choice of words almost immediately because she also looked ready to kick my ass.
Marni stared daggers into me, her eyes squinting as if she was trying to figure out what scam I was trying to pull. “Get the fuck out of my house.”
Alyssa, who had been laughing up until her wife’s little outburst, put herself in front of Marni, trapping her in the doorway. “Oh, come on! Ask her something only Adam would know.”
I glanced at Adam, hoping he was ready for whatever was about to go down.
“Ok,” Marni said with a sigh. “I have a question. How old were you when you first tried to kill yourself?”
Adam nodded in my direction. “Fifteen.”
“Fifteen,” I quickly repeated without even thinking about the nature of the question. It took me a second to turn to Adam. “You tried to kill yourself when you were fifteen?”
“Yeah, I did.” Adam locked eyes with Marni, meeting her across space and time. The moment was surreal. But the energy felt between them, let’s just say it was not love.
Marni took a step forward, her eyes locked on Adam. She reached up her hand as if she was trying to feel out his spirit. “Why are you here? We were doing so well without you.”
Adam opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. I could tell by his expression he was upset. But not angry, it was more of a look of disappointment. As if Marni had pulled this shit all throughout their marriage.
“He needed to meet his daughter,” I said, motioning to Jamie with a renewed sense of courage, since there was no way I could be any more awkward than Marni’s declaration. But seriously, why do you feel the need to cut him down? Don’t you think he’s been through enough?
I felt Adam’s hand on my shoulder. “Don’t waste your breath, kid.”
Ok, going with plan B. I picked up little Jamie. “Can I hold her?” I asked Alyssa after the fact. I knew the answer would be yes since Alyssa was not a raging bitch.
“Dada!” Jamie cried, reaching her little arms out to Adam.
“Adam, please,” I said, my mind and heart focused on him. “It might work or it might not, but she needs you to try.
Adam shook his head. “No, she already has everything she needs.” With that he turned and left, passing through Marni out the front door.
As his spirit drifted through her, I saw Marni flinch. She could feel him. To her credit she stepped to the side, allowing me to run after my invisible ‘friend.’
“Adam!” I shouted, knowing how crazy I looked. “We came all this way for you.”
But Adam seemed indifferent. “You’re riding in the back of the truck, witch.”
“Is that an order, Master Sergeant?” I asked with a sarcastic smirk.
I expected him to laugh or at least continue walking in the direction of the truck but instead, he made a sharp turn towards the main fence. He was walking away from both his family’s house and the truck. His ethereal form walked through the fence, disappearing into the landscape beyond.
“Fuck!” Only then I realized I was still holding Jamie.
“Fuck?” the girl said sweetly.
This prompted Alyssa to run out, slamming the door behind her while calling for her daughter. “Jamie!”
I put Jamie down, expecting her to run to her mother, but instead she stood by my side looking out in the direction Adam was walking away. “Dada?”
Alyssa walked up to us and lifted her daughter, letting the little girl rest her sweet little head on her mama’s shoulder. “Miss Raven, I just wanted to apologize for my wife.”
“It’s ok, her reaction is…” I wanted to say normal, or reasonable, but I just couldn’t. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.” Alyssa nodded sweetly.
“Feel free to tell me to piss off, it’s too personal, but why did you marry that cunt bitch?”
“Since my baby already knows fuck you want to increase her vocabulary further?”
“If she uses those words against Marni, I would be more than ok with it.”
“We were in a polyamorous relationship. Kind of.”
“Kind of?” I smiled awkwardly. “I’m sorry, that’s so… surprising.” Adam didn’t seem like the type. “How does that work?”
“Actually, Adam didn’t know.”
I nearly doubled over in laughter. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You know how Adam died, right? It was a brain bleed, but it didn’t happen quickly given that it was a side effect of cancer. And his mind was the first thing to go.”
“Back when Adam and his family lived in Colorado, Marni flew me in to help care for him. Just so he would be monitored all hours of the day,” she explained. “I’m not a registered nurse of any kind, I just…”
“You wanted to be there for Adam, so he wouldn’t die alone.” I couldn’t help but smile; the idea was so sweet, I almost wished I had a best friend like her.
“And Marni threw in the idea of me fucking her dying husband.”
“Oh.” Not so sweet. “While she watched, I assume, since you’re still alive?”
Alyssa shrugged, her cheeks flush. “I guess it could have been a fetish for her. She liked to watch, especially when he got sicker; making love to him was like sex with a life-sized doll. But for me it was a dream realized.”
“You had a dream of fucking a married man?”
Again, she shrugged. “I had a dream of loving him the way he deserved to be loved.” Alyssa shook her head with a sigh. “I know Adam would never have left her. When we first met, just days after the adoption of their first child went through, I was his commanding officer, but we went for a beer, a group gathering to introduce him to the other people on my team. Adam, he was just kindest person. He spoke so highly of his family. He lived his whole life for his wife and daughter.” Alyssa blinked tears from her eyes as she rocked her toddler under the heat of the desert sun. “I knew he tried so hard to save his marriage. That just made me love him even more. I truly admired the husband and father that he was. Adam didn’t deserve all the crap that life threw at him, but he took it. He was like a brother to me.”
“Wow,” I said in a breath. Alyssa was back to being the world’s greatest friend.
“That was the one thing that connected me to Marni. Just after Adam and I started having sex, Marni and I, we would share stories. She knew so much about his childhood and teenage years. We were united in our love for him. This continued until his death, and after.” She turned to her daughter, who was sleeping soundly. “As for why I married her? I guess I didn’t want to be alone. I’d found out I was pregnant, and I wanted so badly to stay with the family.” Alyssa ended her statement with a smile. She wasn’t unhappy, per se, but Marni was not her first choice of a life partner. “I should probably get the baby back in the house, before she turns into a roasted marshmallow.”
“Yeah, totally.” At the sight of the sleeping toddler, I could only smile. I stroked her soft cheek. “Goodbye, little one.”
“I’ll put in a good word with Marni, in case you want to come back and say a proper goodbye once you locate Adam.”
“Thanks, I ap
preciate that.” The little girl looked so much like Adam. I wanted so badly to get him back to the house, if only to see what would finally happen when the two physically touched. Would he pass through Jamie? Or would she be able to feel him, the way I was able to? That had something to do with being a blood relative, right? They were so similar, she had to be his missing piece.
“You should probably go after him, unless you have a way to track his aura,” Alyssa suggested. “I imagine he has a powerful spiritual presence.”
“Thanks, I’ll do that. But if I don’t make it back, just know, it was really great to meet you. Know Adam is proud of the mother you’ve become.”
Alyssa nodded with a sympathetic smile as she headed back to the house.
I should have gone for the truck and asked for Leo’s help, but my first instinct was to follow Adam’s trail. Although there was nothing visual for me to track, I could feel where he had been. “Adam?” I hopped the fence, landing feet first in the desert sand.
I closed my eyes, trying to find the path, but the heat was throwing off my senses. “Well, crap.” Seeing that Adam was gone, or didn’t want to be found, I took a seat on a warm rock. The heat felt soothing, taking away from the uncomfortable hotness of the unbearably thick air. Sitting comfortably with my head in my hands. “You know, attempted suicide isn’t that bad,” I said out loud. Looking around, I was a good distance away from the fence. So hopefully no one heard my rather insensitive statement. “I mean it’s bad, as in you really shouldn’t do it, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I had hoped that my statement would bring him out of hiding, if only to defend his fragile male pride. But so far there was no reply. Not even a spike in the energy of his aura trail.
“You know what’s actually embarrassing? Me and Annie pretending to be married. That was really more for her benefit. Or maybe it’s the very definition of gaslighting.” I shrugged my shoulders, looking down at my hands. “Maybe that’s why I feel bad for Alyssa.”
Adam materialized in front of me. “Ok, you have my attention.”
“I thought I would,” I said with a chuckle. “Since you apparently have a thing for bisexual, closeted lesbians.”
Adam nodded with a knowing sigh. “I need to know the story; it sounds like some real Beauty and the Beast shit.”
“Really?” Hearing that analogy used for a same-sex relationship was rather unique.
Adam chuckled as he reached out his hand. “Take a walk with me?”
“Sure,” I said, allowing him to help me to my feet. “I think the term you’re looking for is Stockholm syndrome. Although ‘Beauty and the Beast shit’ is a lot more fun to say.”
That got a smile. “You make a valid point.” Adam looked up at the sky. The sense of loss, longing, and sadness brought about a look of humanity. “At the root of everything, I think it’s more about the pain of being alone.”
“I can see that. It’s why I miss Annie even though she’s sometimes a total controlling helicopter mom.”
“To you or your daughter?”
“Funny,” I said with a forced chuckle. “But it’s a valid question.”
“So, why do you call her your wife? I’ve known people who were married for years and still refer to their spouse as their partner.”
“We started out as partners,” I said, my face flushed in the desert heat. “The whole wife thing was kind of a nickname.” I closed my eyes and remembered the first time Annie and I slept in the same bed. She’d held me close, stroking my back. “I guess it’s more like a pet name.”
Adam grunted, holding back a laugh. “Are you even into that?”
“Am I attracted to women? A little. Maybe not as much as Annie. I wasn’t as experienced. She was my first time with a girl. And after losing Nate, I was just in a place where I felt like experimenting.” Adam and I walked in silence for a while, me holding his hand like a child as we stewed in the awkwardness. “Adam?”
“Yeah?” His blue eyes seemed to be locked on the bright desert sun.
“I’m glad you came back.”
Adam turned to face me. He was giving me a look that seemed to be questioning my intellect and/or sanity. “I didn’t have much of a choice. I’m already dead; there are only a few directions to go from here. If I walk away from my mission, I’ll become one of those pissed off ghosts that Leo will eventually have to send to Hell.”
“But you’re ready to go back.”
“No, not yet.” Adam pursed his lips. He wasn’t ready to go, but there was no place he actually wanted to be.
“Ok, well, then tell me about your older daughter. You knew her for almost two decades, I’m sure you have some good memories of your time as her father.” That would be a place to start; a reminder of his humanity, possibly a point of healing.
Adam nodded, his eyes drifting off with a look of peace and tranquility. “My wife and I had tried for years to conceive, but it was never meant to be. At the age of thirty, we started the process to adopt from China. Then, after years of waiting, we stood hand in hand at the immigration office of Jackson, Mississippi.”
“Why China?” I asked, if only to keep him talking.
“China had been our last hope. For whatever reason, we were unable to even get on a waiting list for a European or North American baby.
“Did it have something to do with your past?” I’d never gone through the legal adoption process, but I assumed there was a mental health requirement.
“That was another reason I was nervous. Fate had a motive for never blessing us with a biological child. And this little girl, flying in from halfway around the world, was already six months old. What if she took one look at me and decided, ‘Nope, I’m not going to be able to love these military-redneck white folks?’ I was scared.”
“You were scared of being judged by an infant?”
Adam chuckled. “It seems so crazy in hindsight. As the adoption rep put the baby in my arms, I felt only the light of God’s love as I said hello to my daughter: my Cece.”
“That’s really sweet.”
“Marni wanted the name Annabelle-Rylie. It’s a fine name, but I knew in my heart, the child looking up at me, her name was Felicity June Severgine. She was my daughter.” For the first time, Adam actually looked like a human, like a father.
“Did you want to say goodbye to Jamie?” Just the thought of the little girl made me homesick for my Lola.
“No, you heard what my ex-wife said.”
“She didn’t mean it.”
Adam rolled his eyes and sneered. “You don’t know Marni.”
Well, I thought I knew you. “Was this trip a complete waste of time?”
“Nothing is really a waste of time.” Adam paused to stretch his arms. “Now I know the truth.” The soldier spoke with a defeatist tone, as if this is what he expected all along. He seemed almost proud of the fact that he was damned to wander the earth while his little daughter sat wondering when he would come home.
“The truth? What truth? That your family is slowly trying to erase your memory?” If he truly thought that, he was dumber than a sack of shit.
“That they were better off without me,” he said quickly, as if baiting an argument.
“You can’t honestly believe that!”
“You didn’t know me when I was alive.”
Yeah, he had a point, but I would have wanted to. There seemed to be more to the soldier than just his sterile, macho exterior. “I know the little girl at that house. She’s in love with a vision of her daddy. It doesn’t matter if is really you, or just a compilation of stories. You daughter will never forget you.”
“Fine. I’ll go back to the house. I just need a little time.”
“Ok,” I said, giving his hand a squeeze. That was all I could ask for. “We have all the time in the world.” With my arm around his, we walked in silence, taking in the scenery. The world seemed to be overexposed, with the glare turned up to blinding levels of brightness. After a few moments (that felt like hours) in the
triple-digit heat, I felt the need to find a place to sit. “Adam, can we rest for a second?”
“Only if you promise not to piss me off,” Adam said. He was looking off in the distance, so I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.
“That’s fair.” I walked him to a nearby tree, taking a seat under the bare branches. I sat on a rock, and there was enough space for Adam to join me. But he opted for the ground, while still holding my hand. His act seemed more out of habit than anything. “So, tell me, was Alyssa the love of your life? I mean, she seems nice. And, of course, unbelievably hot. But you know that since you managed to make a kid with her.”
“And you’re already failing.” Adam chuckled and then sighed. “I don’t like to think about relationships in terms of romantic love.”
“Wow.” Just when I thought this moment couldn’t get any more awkward. “I don’t understand.”
“You wouldn’t. I had a really messed up childhood; it left me with a lifetime of issues. You don’t know what it’s like to lose the person closest to you.”
“Um, excuse me? I didn’t realize this was a dick-measuring contest.” I was almost tempted to punch him in his smug face. “A childhood worse than being force-fed your dead father’s remains by your succubus-witch of a mother?”
Adam cracked a smile. “At least you’re alive.”
“Really?” I bit my tongue to keep from laughing out loud. The soldier’s answer was too hilarious to be offensive.
Adam only shrugged. “I’d give anything to go back to my fucked-up life. I mean, I can watch over my family, like a creepy stalker.” He pursed his lips, closing his eyes as if in prayer. “I’ve never felt so alone.”
“What about Leo? He’s your partner. He seems to really care about you. Do you-”
“Do I love him?” Adam’s longing gaze gave me my answer. “I love him in a way that completes me. I used to think he could heal me, save me, in a way that Alyssa and Marni never could. But I’ve come to learn, every relationship that I’ve been in has been nothing more than a band-aid.”
I knew what that was like. “So, what exactly happened to you as a kid?” I asked, a little colder than I intended.
