by Mary Ramsey
Nate shook his head. “I can’t talk about that.”
Because the memory is too painful? Or because you just don’t want to talk to me? Rather than ask, I went with something a little more empowering. “You lived it—you survived…”
“I survived?” he chuckled at the irony.
“You served your country, had a wife, a family.” I bit my lip, groaning at the fact that I was about to issue a compliment. “That was all you. Do you know what kind of strength that takes?” More than I ever had. “What I’m trying to say is, you had a great life, a mega fuck-you to your past.”
That got a grin. “I think I’m starting to like you.”
“So, can you talk about it?” Part of me still expected the answer to be no.
But instead I got a reluctant nod. “Long story short: my father was a sadist. He conned a sixteen-year-old runaway into living with him.”
“Your mother,” I replied with a nod. “But can I ask, why did you say ‘conned’ and not ‘kidnapped’? I mean, most people would say ‘kidnapped,’ especially since the victim was an underage teen.” Even I knew human beings could not make proper decisions until their twenties.
“I only know what she told me. My mother, she came from a broken home, a place where her self-worth was constantly chopped down.” He pursed his lips. “With me being just a kid, I didn’t understand it all, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t really explain the nuances to a small child.”
“Especially since you were born into Hell.”
Adam nodded. “I just assumed she had been broken to the point where physical affection of any kind felt like love. Because that was how I felt every moment of every day.” Adam paused to search his pockets, pulling out a flask that I was certain had not been there a moment ago. “He kept her locked in a basement below the crawlspace. That’s where I was born. And where I watched her die. But it was also where the police found me.”
“How old were you?”
Adam thought for a moment. “Six, I think, just old enough to remember everything.”
“You think? Isn’t it written on a police report someplace?” I knew that if all that had happened to me as a kid, I’d want to read all about it. My own childhood horror story never made it to the police or the newspapers. Maybe, on some level, I was jealous.
“I remember the beatings, the torture, the pain.” Adam blinked tears from his eyes. “My father would hurt me to hurt her. But in those same memories, I can see her face. If I forget the nightmare, I’ll forget her.”
“So, you left her in Hell.” I did the same thing to my father.
Adam seemed to take offense at my choice of wording. “What the fuck did you say?”
“If you let go of the nightmare you let go of her. But sometimes it’s better to let go.” I blinked back tears as the words choked in my throat. “That way the person you care about, they get to move on.” As if I know anything about how to do that. I gave his hand a squeeze, desperate to change the subject. “What do I feel like?”
He pursed his lips, tears welling up in his eyes. “I can’t feel anything of this world. Not you, not the sun. I’m just ready for this all to be over.”
“You can’t feel me?” I asked. “But you don’t pass through me like you do Marni.”
“I think that’s just part of the fact that I’m assigned to you,” Adam replied with certainty.
Just then, a single car drove past us. The large truck caused a gust of wind to caress my face. It felt nice, but unfortunately, it wasn’t Leo. “Damn it.”
“What’s wrong?” Adam asked, innocently, since it was clear he did not require water.
“I need to rest.” I was hot, in desperate need of liquid or at least a cool breeze. “I think I’m going to pass out.”
“Well, you’re crazy if you think I’m carrying you.” Adam smirked in a way that truly pissed me off. Yes, he looked like Nate, but Nate would have carried me, or at the very least, offered to find water.
Looking back toward the houses, I could see we had walked at least a few miles, past the point of no return. “You know, I think I was wrong. You’re not like my father. You remind me more of Nate.”
“Really? You don’t say?” Adam said, now walking ahead of me.
At that moment I missed Nate more than anything. I saw visions of the future we could have had; places we would have seen, children we could have had. Adam did not deserve to be compared to someone so special. “Nate Greyson lost everything. So he devoted his existence to protecting what little he had.”
That actually caused Adam to stop and wait for me. “And what do I have?” Adam asked, standing with his arms crossed over his chest.
“You have Leo,” I said immediately. Leo loved him more than he deserved to be loved. I figure that was because Leo was a high-level angel who had mastered such inhuman levels of empathy. Apparently, Adam felt the same way because he shrugged off my response without even a reply. “And you have Jamie and Alyssa.”
“Actually, I don’t,” he said with a growl. “They have memories, they have stories; all I have is a family who I can watch from behind a barrier like an exhibit at the zoo.”
“Ok, you want to know what you have right now, at this moment?” Because you’re like a fucking child throwing a tantrum. “Well, you have me.”
“Are you serious?” Adam asked with a chuckle.
“Yeah, I am. I don’t know you, but somehow, we’ve been though similar levels of shit our lives. I’m not even going to pretend to claim to be your equal but I…” Don’t say love, don’t say love. “I care about you.”
Adam laughed. His voice was still a low growl that seemed almost sarcastic.
“Adam?” I came closer, placing my hand upon his shoulder.
“You’re a real piece of work, kid.” Adam didn’t seem upset. In fact, he appeared to be smiling the most beautiful smile. Like Nate’s smile. “I think we should head back; my partner is probably worried, don’t want to piss him off.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I instinctually slid my hand down his shoulder, with the intention of walking by his side. One can imagine my surprise when Adam actually reached for my hand. It was a friendly gesture, nothing more. But I was lost in his eyes.
“What?” he asked, smiling again.
I cupped his face and kissed him softly. It was nothing more than a touch, but the moment—the energy—felt truly electric. I could feel his lips moving, but he didn’t resist.
Adam placed a hand to my cheek, tracing his finger along my jaw as he lifted my face. “What do I feel like?”
What is it like to kiss an angel? “You feel like energy, light, love.” I paused as he kissed me again. I was looking at him, truly seeing him for the first time. “Hope. You feel like hope.”
“Thank you.” Adam nodded, satisfied with my answer. “You ready to go for a walk?”
“Yup, I think I am.” We walked hand in hand. His body felt cold, calm and refreshing in the Nevada heat. It made me want to lean in closer, using him like a human-sized ice pack.
Adam, for the most part, stayed quiet, admiring the scenery around us. It almost felt like we were on a date, or just handing out like old friends.
And then a rabbit appeared. The small gray bunny hopped towards Adam, passing through his leg. It was a bleak reminder that he was dead, and this world was no longer his. Perhaps that was why my brain allowed my mouth to say the following. “What did it feel like to die?” Jesus Christ! What kind of fucked up question is that?
Adam sighed, shaking his head. “I’ve not thought about that in quite a while.”
“Sorry I asked, are you allowed to tell me? Or does that go against some kind of angel code of conduct rule?”
“I’m sure I am allowed to talk about it, I just have no idea where to start.”
The answer gave me confidence. “Start with what you remember?”
“I can remember being really sick. There was a throbbing pain in my chest, like my body was
fighting to stay alive.” Adam paused, closing his eyes in contemplation. “I know I slipped into a coma, but that didn’t kill me. I woke up, unable to move or speak, but I knew my older daughter was at my side. I remember her speaking to me. It was clear she had been crying. I could feel her touch as she held my hand. It was a feeling like no other. If I had to guess, I would say this was ‘skin-to-skin’ contact, the same as a newborn would receive.”
“That makes a lot of sense; to know connection, love, is what all living creatures desire.” As the houses slowly came back into view, I tried to rehearse my opening lines for when Marni inevitably opened the door. But no words came to mind. “What happened next?”
“The next thing I remember was Leo placing his hand upon my shoulder. He told me that as long as my family is alive, they would always be my link to this plane of reality.”
“And then you left down a tunnel of white light?” I asked in all seriousness.
Adam laughed. “Yeah, not exactly. The respirator was still breathing for me, making me unable to step back into my body. But every touch, every moment, I could feel as if I was still there.” He waited as he looked to the fence.
We were close, but I had time for one last question. “What did your eldest daughter say to you, if anything?”
Adam closed his eyes, visualizing the moment. “I could feel her touch my face, closing my eyes. Her movement was gentle, intentional. It was like she was searching for something. My heart was breaking. All I wanted was one last moment, one last chance to tell her I love her.”
“But what did she say?”
“She said I was a good man, a kind man.” Adam shrugged as if he didn’t believe it.
We walked in silence before eventually reaching the door. I raised my hand to knock, but the door flew open before I could even finish the gesture.
Marni opened the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Adam wanted to say goodbye,” I said, trying to channel Adam’s confidence.
Marni pursed her lips, unable to contain her rage as she looked at me. “Adam wanted to say goodbye? Are you crazy or just fucking psychotic?”
Before I could answer, Jamie ran to the door screeching. “DA-DA! DA-DA!”
To my surprise, Adam took a knee, placing his hand out as if touching a forcefield. “Do you think she can hear me?”
I knew he was directing the question at me, but Jamie answered excitedly with an adorable nod. “I hear!” She threw her arms around Adam’s ghost form, embracing him in a tight hug. At least I had to assume that’s what I was seeing.
My vison was blurred by a bright light. All I could make out was a massive glowing orb, with Adam and Jamie’s shadows inside like characters in a puppet show. The tighter she held on to him the clearer Adam’s wings became. This was it; this was what he was meant to find. I could hear Adam talking to her, speaking in whispers that I couldn’t make out. They both seemed so happy. But I kind of wondered what Marni was seeing.
From the corner of my eye I could see her villainous glare. If she was seeing absolutely nothing, I’d assumed she would have left or maybe continued her quest to kick me out. But she was just staring in the direction of Adam and Jamie.
“Jamie,” Marni said, the terror evident in her voice.
Somehow this caught Adam’s attention. His shadow-puppet figure looked up in his ex-wife’s direction. Adam’s chest was heaving with emotion as he turned his focus back to his little daughter. “Daddy has to go now.” There was a noticeable feeling of sadness mixed with a calming sense of hope.
“No, Dada no go!” Little Jamie leaned closer, nearly disappearing into the light. “Dada!” her voice was wailing. “I love you.”
I could no longer see Adam’s face. I tried to move for a better look, but my legs were stuck in place. I was only able to see what I was meant to see.
Adam leaned his head down, holding the little girl in a close embrace. “You remind me so much of your sister. I wish I could’ve known you.” His wings wrapped around Jamie, creating an entire ball of light.
The brightness was not unlike the sun; beautiful, but after a few seconds I felt my eyes burning. I looked up and blinked, forcing my line of sight to shift. Part of me was curious if Marni was still even there (or if she melted like a certain fictional witch).
But as I moved the focus of my vision away from Adam and Jamie I was bombarded with a lifetime of memories. At first, they came slow, like flipping through a photo album. I could see Jamie’s birth, her first steps. Then still images started to evolve into moving images like surfing a page of videos on a computer screen. They were all future events; her first day of school, first dance, first kiss. The series ended with an image of an adult Jamie as a bride, with Marini walking her down the aisle. Was this what Adam was seeing? I could only hope it was. Maybe, just maybe, he was in a time pocket where he got the chance to see each and every video.
I blinked my eyes once then twice. With each blink, my vision was coming back to the real world; Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, planet Earth.
Marni staring me down. “Stop this, now.”
“You think I have the power to stop this?”
Adam stood up, slowing stepping away from little Jamie’s embrace. “You won’t remember me, but I’ll never forget you.”
The light became brighter, causing me to close my eyes. When I opened them, I was falling backward onto the rock-garden lawn, landing square on my ass. “Ow! God damnit!” I brushed myself off, grateful for having landed on the soft sand, as opposed to the nearby rocks and cacti. Out of nowhere a truck horn blared.
“Holy fuck!” I jolted up, my heart racing. Despite the fact that we were in an enclosed housing area, the sound was so loud, I assumed I was about to be hit by a semi.
But no, it was just Leo, in his all-powerful red pickup truck. The senior-ranking angel shouted out the window, his long hair blowing in the breeze. “Jesus Christ, I’ve been looking all over for you two!”
What did he mean by that? Leo had dropped us off at the house. He’d have to know we’d still be there. Unless, of course, Leo, followed us into the desert? That theory posed more questions than answers. “Hey, Leo.” I chuckled, not wanting to think about the fact that he would have been content to watch me die of heatstroke. I made a show of fixing my hair, pulling it into a ponytail as I spoke. “We were just heading back to you, I swear.” Wait, did you say you two? I looked around, unable to find Adam in the immediate vicinity.
Leo snickered. “Yeah, I’m sure you two were right on your way. Not that it matters; the important thing is you’re both here, and one of you is a little less broken. Right, partner?”
Adam was right behind me, standing strong with his wings on full display. He reached out his hand to help me to my feet.
“Thank you.” I actually hadn’t noticed that I was still on the ground.
Adam’s hand touched mine with a gentle warmth; this was not the same man who had tried to rape me. He’d seen the beauty and wisdom of heaven. “Raven here is telling the truth,” he said to Leo. “We were headed back to the path of virtue.”
Leo put the truck in park, turning off the engine before getting out. “Since you lovebirds are on such friendly terms now, you can both ride in the back.” He waved his hands, conjuring up a familiar silver rope.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I muttered, gripping Adam’s hand. Leo could not be serious. Right?
Adam put his arm around me. “I think we can make that work.”
Leo raised an eyebrow. “I was kidding.” With a flick of the wrist, Leo executed a perfect whip snap. The rope instantly transformed into a cowboy hat, which Leo twirled on his hand before placing it upon his head. “Now let’s get the hell out of here. There’s plenty of room in the front seat. And I just installed AC.”
“While driving through the desert?” I asked. Oh, right, he’s an angel.
“Well, thank fucking God for that.” Adam climbed in the passenger seat. Getting comfortable, he reclined the seat ever so
slightly and raised the armrest.
I assumed I was going to sit between them. So, I started to climb in. But then, much to my surprise, Adam pulled me onto his lap, holding me close with one arm, before closing the door. “You comfortable, little witch?”
“I’m very comfortable, Master Sergeant,” I replied with a giggle. I leaned back, resting my body against his. Adam felt so warm and comfortable; like hope, like strength. At that moment, Adam felt so much like Nate. Would Nate have been a good father? Would having a child of his own have made him a different person? Adam was a good father and a good man, that much was certain. Even if, at times, he doubted his own self-worth.
Of course, thinking about Nate made me think about Lola, my baby, and Annie. That was my real life, a reality I wanted to get back to. And to get back to them I needed to reunite with my brother. After everything I’d seen, everything I’d experienced, I thought I knew how.
Time and reality were not linear; all worlds were stacked like an order of pancakes. Our souls were connected, so I had an internal map to his current location. I just needed to find a way to unite our powers, and then our positions. It wouldn’t be easy, but right now, I had all the time in the world.
Chapter: What?
I had a dream about Niagara Falls. At least I think I did. Opening my eyes to the bitter cold of the Canadian border, I nearly lost my footing on the wet rocks. “Fuck!” I was standing on the edge, the way I’d seen some people do online. Sometimes it was a suicide attempt from the local news, other times it was just someone trying to get a good picture. But being barefoot took it to a whole new level.
I took one step forward, then another. To stare down at the roaring water seemed primordial, like looking down the mouth of a Hell beast. My heart skipped a beat when my foot slipped again, this time causing me to land hard on my knee. After a moment of pain, I quickly regained my balance. The water was licking my feet, like a sentient creature, daring me to challenge its power. Not good.
I wanted to scream for help, but there was no one to scream to; not on the rocks or the shore. Looking up at the starry night sky, I could see a million miles, but there was only one place I wanted to be. Bobby, where are you?
