Grace Before Dying

by M. L. Bullock

  What had I expected when Kinta gave me the baby? Many of us with barren bellies knew what was about to happen. Kinta made no secret about her desire to raise her child above White Fire. Old Face’s grandchild, yet unborn, was a threat to the chief’s new wife. Kinta would have killed White Fire if it had been within her power. Old Face would never allow that, in his way he continued to love his daughter and loved her well enough to want to save her.

  But the tongues of the gossips were wagging about White Fire’s lover, the presumed father of the child. He would be my child now if I was willing to do what it took. If I were willing to disobey Kinta. But that would mean leaving my tribe forever. I would be lonely without them but my joy would be complete because I would have a son. I could make it through the harsh winters and I could do what was needed to be done to provide for the boy but I would have to do it alone. And I would have to run. We would have to live on the run for many years until Kinta decided to leave us be. If she ever would.

  She told me to leave the baby on the mountain. To tell everyone that it had died. She whispered her instructions to me, to immerse it in the cold, cold waters until it moved no more or if I preferred to put it to sleep with honey milk, an herbal tea that would make the child sleep forever. If I was to do this I must seal him up with many stones. She even gave me a painted stone, a stone of power to put on top of the body, no matter where I left it. In the water, in the ground, in a fire. The stone must be placed on top. It would prevent the child’s spirit’s from roaming and finding his mother for even in death Kinta would not allow a reunion.

  But I would do no such thing. How could I? I have never known the joys of birthing a living child. I had never been called mother nor would I ever hear a child’s young voice call me a grandmother. That would not be my fate. If I had had a husband, a strong husband that could provide for me and the child, and would allow me to leave the Creek behind, perhaps then I could escape and claim him as my son.

  But my husband died long ago. And even if he lived he would never have agreed with that plan for he would never go against Old Face or any of his wives.

  As I ran out of the camp that night I made my way down the path toward the mountain just as I was instructed. I had rebellion in my heart but my mind reasoned with me. I again recounted the reasons why stealing this child would be impossible. He had not been given to me to raise but to kill. Why would Kinta ask me to do such a thing? To prove my loyalty no doubt. If I were to be one of her inner circle, one of the smoke women when she became Corn Woman I would do this without question.

  The child sobbed and so did I. I would never have the cruelty required to do such a thing. Never. I would go — I would leave the tribe forever. I would die with the baby and that would be my fate. That was my thought until Tall Feather ran beside me.

  I ducked my head and would not make eye contact with him. Tall Feather had always treated me with respect and I returned that now.

  Go away! Go away! You cannot make this journey with me, Tall Feather. Stay with White Fire. Watch over her. Go!

  To my surprise, he put his hand over my mouth and flung me to the ground. We fell on the leaves on the side of the path and listened as footsteps – past us. I glanced up and saw the skirts of Honey Wasp running past. A spy! The woman was a spy making sure that I was doing Kinta’s bidding no doubt.

  “Let me go! I must take him and leave! Let me go!” I tried to pull away from Tall Feather but he was strong and demanded that I listen.

  “I love White Fire. She will be mine, one day she will be mine. This child should not live — that is the wish of the chief’s wife but I love White Fire just as I know you love this baby. I know where we can take it — I know where the child will be welcomed and loved. You must trust me, Empty Arms. You must trust me and obey me. I promise you when the day comes when all things come full circle you will see, I will not forget you. For one day you will be a grandmother to my sons and daughters. I will call you my mother for I have none. I will do this for you if you give me the child now.”

  The baby was crying and I was afraid that someone would find us soon. No doubt, Kinta sent others after us. Coward of a woman!

  “Why would you do this to White Fire if you love her? Why not stand up and claim the baby as yours, as is your right?”

  “He does not belong to me. He is the son of Gray Cloud. He is never going to be safe for when his father knows about him, knows for sure that he is his own! He will kill White Fire. He will kill Old Face. He will take the Creek for himself. This is why White Fire did not name him. But now, there is no more time, Empty Arms. You must listen to me. I will take the baby — I know a place. A family that would welcome this child for they have lost a baby themselves. They live on the mountainside above us. It will only take me a few hours to bring him there.”

  “But they will search for him. They will look for me and they will know what I’ve done!”

  Tall Feather put his hand over the baby’s mouth — not his nose though just his mouth. The baby was crying; no doubt hungry for his mother’s milk. As he took him from my arms he removed the blanket and handed it to me. He wrapped the baby in his leather coat.

  “Find sticks and leaves to make a bundle. Do what you must to pretend to hold that baby. Take it where Kinta directed you and do as she said. Place the stone on top of it and leave it there. And if anyone asks you, the baby is dead. Do you hear me? The baby is dead. I will make sure, I will promise you by my honor, in my blood that what I have said to you is true. You will always have a place of honor in my home, Empty Arms.”

  I watched as the hulking warrior began to run away from me. My body shook with fear. Fear of so many things! I reached down and created a bundle of sticks and branches and leaves and dirt and wrapped it in the blanket. I began to run down the path again with my false bundle. I would drown it! I would drown the bundle in the water and I would put the rock on top after. I would do the deed just as Kinta said and then I would one day have a child of my own to hold!

  I ran until I could run no more. I heard the sound of the rushing water. Honey Wasp peered from the bushes and just to make her happy I made a whimpering sound as one would make as a hungry infant. She remained hidden in her place but I wasted no time with my evil task. I put the bundle into the water with both my hands and cried as if it were truly a child I drowned. As if I was truly taking a life and all of White Fire’s love and killing it with my bare hands.

  I took my time even though my hands were freezing and my knees were cut by the stones in the water. Oh yes! I mustn’t forget the stone! I put the painted rock on top of the false baby and eased it out further into the current.

  Honey Wasp stepped out to watch as the bundle rushed downstream. I had wrapped it so tightly and held it so convincingly that she believed that I had truly done the abhorrent deed. I was grateful for that but my heart would never be the same. I had placed the child in Tall Feather’s hands. Was I a fool?

  We walked back to the camp together, Honey Wasp and I, but I did not return to Kinta’s tent to retrieve my reward. Instead, I went inside the tent of my dead husband and wished for his ghost to appear to me on speedy wings.

  He never came.

  But White Fire did. I woke with her straddling me. Her face and arms were covered with red paint. No, blood! Raised above her was an object, a knife! She would kill me! Take my life for what I had done!

  Inside of Empty Arms’ body, I began to shudder and the queasiness returned and I was suddenly no longer her but myself. The green surroundings had vanished and I was on the floor of my living room weeping at the prospect of murder. Had Red Revenge murdered Empty Arms?

  “Stay where you are, Amara. I can make contact with her. I will tell her what she needs to know. Trust me. I didn’t want to tell you before because I wasn’t sure how you would feel about me but now I know I was being a fool. I am a medium, I can talk to her. I’ve been talking to her. She led me here, Amara. I mean I came here for you but I also came because she wanted
me to come to Gracefield. Please don’t hate me. I do care about you. There’s so little time. She’s coming!”

  Carrie Jo was trying to help me to my feet but I couldn’t get up. The session as Empty Arms left me weak and sick.

  Gennifer waved her hand and when she did White Fire stepped forward. “You saw what happened, Red Revenge. You saw it all with your own eyes and through your granddaughter. I helped you; I let this happen for you so you could be at peace. Know the truth and pass on. You must go to the light. Your child is not here. This is the child of your child. The blood within you testifies to the truth of it. She is yours as you are hers. But from this day forward, White Fire, you will no longer be tied to her for I break that tie. I cut that cord because it is within my power to do so. The curse shall be broken, the curse placed upon you by your father. He had no right to do the evil thing but it is done. And now you must both meet the Creator. See? Your father is there. Just there!”

  Gennifer pointed to an open doorway but I saw nothing. I trusted that she did and from the look on White Fire’s face she saw the same thing. My ancestor searched my face. Why? What else did she want from me? I had nothing left to give. I was ready to live my own life and own my own mistakes.

  And with my mind, I said to her, “I have made many mistakes of my own and when my day comes, grandmother, I will meet them. Today you must meet yours. Be brave, grandmother, and one day we will both rejoice together.”

  The lovely blonde medium dipped her head down and closed her eyes. As she did so a small, very small ball of white light began to appear. It was kind of like a firefly only larger. It fluttered toward White Fire with purpose. Her face glowed, the ghost welcomed the light and it grew as she held her arms out to it.

  At last, she would have what she hoped for, what she had missed in life. She would have her baby in her heart and would be at rest. Her spirit would never more roam Gracefield; she would never roam the woods screaming and crying for her child. All would be well for her.

  And then the image dissolved into nothingness and with the disappearing my energy vanished. I had nothing left to give anyone.

  “Never again!” I said to whoever would listen. I lay flat on my back and cried like a little child. “I’m telling you never again! I don’t want this gift! Take it away from me!”

  Carrie Jo seemed at a loss for words. Her face was sad yet understanding but she offered nothing in the way of comfort. Gennifer held my hand. She rubbed it lovingly and smiled down at me with patience, like some sort of Guardian Angel.

  “I can help you with that. I can help you break the ties to the past. It is within my power to do so. You believe me, don’t you?” She asked patiently.

  I wasn’t sure that I believed her but I wanted to. I wanted to have my wish. I wanted nothing more than to be free from all dreams, forever.

  “If you can do it, I want to be free.”

  “I can and I will help you. Carrie Jo, I know that you will always dream. This is what you are meant to do but Amara, well, this was an accidental gift for her. Just as you have embraced it she has rejected hers. Do you love her anyway and accept that?”

  Gennifer’s phraseology seemed strange to me. So formal. So mystical that comforted me.

  “I do accept that and will do nothing to try and talk you out of it. We will always be friends, Amara. Always. I shall leave you in peace. I’m going home; if I have to drive all night. I’m going home.” She gathered her few belongings and headed to the door without a second look back. Even in her wake, I felt peace.

  In my mind, I realized Carrie Jo was strong. Stronger than I would ever be. To have her ability and be at peace with herself, that was something that escaped me. Maybe because of the shooting. Maybe because of what I did to that child. It was an accident but it changed me forever.

  Yes, I would forever be changed. I didn’t deserve such gifts but I wanted them.

  And with unusual calmness, at least for me, I lay perfectly still. I wondered how this procedure would work. Would Gennifer use stones or crystals? Would she sage me or do something else that I wasn’t familiar with.

  To my surprise, she took my hand and began to pray…

  And then I was free. Free forever!

  Epilogue—Ashland

  “But what kind of rock is it, Mom? Is it a ruby rock? Or purple rock? Or…” Our son was certainly no expert when it came to rocks but he did enjoy cartoons and there was one in particular about a family of gemstones. Each of the cartoon characters had a cool name like Ruby Rock, which was currently AJ’s favorite.

  Carrie Jo put her hands on either side of his cheeks and kissed his forehead. “It can be any kind of rock you want it to be, Baby Boy. You can call it whatever you want to. But keep it in your pocket and when you’re scared, just rub the rock.”

  “So it’s a magic rock? Will it keep the bad dreams away?” Her eyes met mine in our collective heartbreak over our son’s growing fear and dislike of going to sleep.

  She held his hand sweetly and confessed, “I’m not really sure but we can try. Just keep it with you for a little while and tonight, when you go to bed we will put it on your nightstand so he can watch over you while you sleep. Maybe, we can make some of our own. I hear painted rocks are great for lots of things.”

  If she thought that was going to open the conversation about his recent onslaught of nightmares she was wrong because Detra Ann and Chloe arrived. Suddenly, AJ felt very protective of the toys he brought out here; my son didn’t like sharing them with Chloe. Or anyone for that matter. As a lifelong only child, I understood the desire to protect your things. His reticence to share did not deter Chloe one bit. She was as determined as her mother — and I grew up with her so I knew how strong-willed she could be.

  Lily hung out on the couch pretending none of us were there but she was anxious about today’s dream walk. Carrie Jo promised her that the three of us would go together to deal with Clarence. There was no sense in pretending she didn’t have abilities and we couldn’t protect her forever. AJ might be too young to understand the nuances of mediumship and dream catching but Lily being older and more in tune needed guidance. Clearly, she was going to do it with or without our approval. We might as well be a part of it so we could protect her and guide her.

  Lily had a bad premonition when I started searching around the house yesterday. She started bawling about never seeing me again and clung to me as if I were about to get hit by a train. I agreed to postpone my search for the ghost, Clarence but I did encourage Lily to talk to Katrina. Katrina needed to come clean with her mother about what was happening with her. Unfortunately for Lily, Katrina didn’t quite believe that she was poisoning herself. After the phone call Lily was devastated. She shared that although Katrina didn’t say they would never be friends again things felt different already. I assured her that once we dealt with Clarence and his influence was not involved in her life that Katrina would be better than new.

  I prayed that I was telling her the truth. Lily didn’t deserve to be lied to. She was smarter than that and had been through enough in her short life. Lily needed to try and help her friend; to try making this right. Apparently, that’s what we do in the Stuart family.

  After the preliminaries of hugging and greeting and scolding Chloe for stealing AJ’s toy the three of us snuck away and went inside the house. Detra Ann was great at entertaining AJ. Other than Rachel, his other “adopted aunt” she was his favorite person.

  Why not? She spoiled him and loved him just like he was her own.

  Man, we were blessed. To have so many people in our lives that loved us and so many that we loved. Yes, we were unusually blessed. I wasn’t really a religious guy, I mean I’d been to church a few times in my life but I believed in God and I believed in good. I believed in love because I had experienced it many times in my life. The best years of my life have been the most recent, here at Seven Sisters with Carrie Jo. We had to fight for this place, for the peace that dwelled here but we had prevailed.

&n
bsp; I prayed that whatever grace had been given to me would also be shared with my family. Yes I was having some deep thoughts as we began our walk inside the house.

  “Upstairs. On the balcony. That’s where I saw him first and where he came after AJ.” Lily was just reminding us of the information; she told us everything already. About the school and Katrina and how Clarence died. Presumably. I wasn’t sure what to think about this Clarence. I quietly walked around this house yesterday and there was no trace of any ghost. No residual; no evidence of ghostly energy. The house was spiritually clean from top to bottom and vice versa. That hadn’t always been the case but it was certainly the case now.

  And then that worrying thought crossed my mind again. What if this wasn’t a ghost after all? We met some sinister beings over the years here and at other places — including the Black Wolf. He in particular targeted and terrified our son. But try as I might, I didn’t get that Black Wolf mojo. I didn’t get that feeling at all. The feeling I got was this wasn’t a ghost but it also wasn’t magical.

  It was darker. Much darker.

  As we began journeying upstairs quietly, as quietly as you could on those squeaky wooden treads, we heard a tapping sound. Once, no twice! A tapping on the wall beside us. That was no pipe, no heating system. Two taps.