Surrender in Silk

by Susan Mallery

  “Then what?”

  “I—” She didn’t really want to tell him. The memories were too humiliating. Zach’s anger didn’t give her a choice. “He was very nice to me in front of my mother, but as soon as she left the room, he turned on me. He said mean things to me.” She sucked in a breath. “We moved to Phoenix when I was eleven. I came home from school one day in tears. I couldn’t make any friends and I felt so alone. For some reason, he was home instead of my mother. He got me to tell him what was wrong, then he started laughing. He told me that I was too ugly and stupid to have friends. No one would ever like me. He said my mother didn’t even like me, but she pretended because she was supposed to.”

  “And you believed him.” It wasn’t a question.

  She nodded. “I was a kid. I didn’t know what else to believe. I’d never had a lot of friends. I was pretty much a loner. I stopped trying to fit in.”

  His hands slipped down her arms to her hands. He squeezed her fingers. “So you became a spy.”

  Surprisingly talking about the memories wasn’t as painful as she’d expected. For some reason, the telling was easier. Maybe it was the dark night. Maybe it was the fact that a lot of time had passed and she was her own person now. Maybe it was Zach.

  “Actually I became a runner. When the kids teased me, I ran away. I just kept running. I started to like it, and by high school I was a track star.”

  “A jock,” he said, brushing his thumbs against the backs of her hands. Shivers raced up her arms. She wanted to cuddle close to him, but she didn’t dare. The moment was special enough. She couldn’t risk rejection.

  “Absolutely. I was the girl who was good at all the sports. I was better than a lot of guys, too. You can imagine how popular that made me. It was the same in college. For a long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I was growing up, but I didn’t have many friends. I thought the world was weird, but then one day I figured out it was me. I was hiding behind the sports, keeping to myself rather than risking relationships with other people. Despite this aura of confidence, I’m basically shy. I decided to start taking risks. Talking to students in my classes, that kind of thing.”

  “Did it work?”

  “Sort of. I was never popular. I never got asked out, but I had more friends.”

  “You have friends now,” he stated.

  “I know. I’ve learned a lot.” She smiled. “Do you know there was a time I’d actually thought about going into the FBI?”

  “Why didn’t you? You could have traveled.”

  “I suppose. But I wanted more autonomy. That’s what the agency offered.” But sometimes she wondered. If she could turn back time, if she could do it all again, would she do things the same? She wasn’t so sure.

  He released her hands and straightened on the swing. They were close enough that their body heat combined, making her warm. She ignored the tingling in her fingers and the blood settling low in her belly. At least he didn’t move back to the chair.

  “Why’d you come after me?” he asked.

  “I told you. I pay my debts.”

  “Is that what you told Winston?”

  “Sure.”

  “And he believed you?”

  She shrugged. “Why wouldn’t he? It’s the truth.” She struggled to keep her tone light.

  “We both know better than that, Jamie. What’s the real reason?”

  “Does it matter? Isn’t it enough that you’re alive?”

  He didn’t answer. She bit down on her lower lip and considered her options. She could change the subject, she could lie or she could tell the truth. Somehow the latter seemed easiest.

  “I couldn’t bear to think of you dying there,” she said softly. “The feeling in my gut told me you were still alive, but Winston wasn’t going to send in another team. I didn’t have a choice.”

  “Thank you for saving me.” He gave her a quick smile. “Alive is better than dead.”

  “You’re welcome.” His proximity and their conversation gave her courage. “Do you have any regrets?” she asked. “About the agency, I mean.”

  “Sure. Doesn’t everybody?”

  She wanted to ask what his were, but courage deserted her as quickly as it had come. Was she one of them? Did he regret their time together? She would have sold her soul to know he regretted letting her go, but that would have required a miracle and she didn’t think she was due for one.

  You’re a fool, she told herself. At least that hadn’t changed. She’d always been a fool where he was concerned. Seven years ago, she’d handed over her heart, only to have it returned broken and bleeding. Now she was still throwing herself at him, only this time the reasons weren’t as clear.

  “What are your regrets, Jamie? Not just about the job, but about anything.”

  She pulled her knees up to her chest. Her blanket slipped down. Before she could reach for it, Zach tucked it around her. The unexpected gesture made her want to have him hold her forever. Instead, she thought about what he’d asked.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to fit in when I was younger. School would have been a lot more fun.”

  “Do you regret the job?”

  “Why would you ask that?”

  “Because you left.”

  She thought about the question. “I don’t regret all I accomplished. I have the satisfaction of knowing I made a direct difference in people’s lives. What I did mattered.”

  “You did good work.”

  She turned toward him. “How would you know?”

  “I make it a habit to keep up with all my students.”

  Bitter disappointment coated her tongue. She didn’t want to be one of his students. She wanted to be special. Different. Important.

  Wishes…they were such a waste of time. If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

  The night closed around them. Jamie looked up at the stars twinkling from the heavens. “I didn’t think it would cost this much,” she whispered. “I didn’t know that the darkness would get inside of me and eat me alive.”

  “I tried to warn you.”

  “A lot of good that does me now.”

  “Jamie, I—”

  She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t bother explaining, Zach. You’re right. You did try to warn me. I still remember what you said. That this wasn’t going to be a nine-to-five job. It wasn’t selling insurance or working in an office. That once I crossed the line, I could never find my way back. I suppose I should have listened.”

  But she couldn’t have. Not then. At that moment, seven years ago, all she’d been able to focus on was that Zach didn’t want her. The pain had filled her until nothing else was real. She’d carried the hurt for years. In some ways, it was still with her. The job had been the only constant she could cling to. She would never have wanted to hear the agency might not be the right place for her. After Zach rejected her, she had something to prove.

  “I didn’t believe you,” she said at last.

  “And now?”

  “Now I know you were right. Satisfied?”

  “No. Despite what you think about me, I didn’t want to be right. I wanted you to make it work. No one else had, but I thought you might have a chance.”

  It took her a couple of minutes to figure out the burning in her eyes wasn’t from exhaustion but from tears. Dammit, she refused to cry.

  “Sorry to let you down,” she said lightly as she blinked away the moisture. “I guess I can’t be your best student after all.”

  She wondered if he heard the bitterness behind her attempt at humor. If he did, he didn’t mention it.

  “I can’t help you find your way back,” he said quietly. “I don’t know that there is a way. I’m sorry. I wish it could be different.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished. I knew you could be the best. I knew the price you would pay and I tried to warn you, but I think I always knew you weren’t going to listen. Whatever else happened betwe
en us, I always respected you.”

  She didn’t know what to say. It was the first time he’d referred to their time together without being cutting or sarcastic. Intense longing filled her. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him close until they both forgot everything but being together. She wanted to be near him, naked, touching, loving. She remembered what it had been like to make love with him. He’d been so considerate, teaching her everything she would ever need to know.

  But she didn’t reach out to him. Instead, she cringed as she recalled her innocent enthusiasm and how eager she’d been to learn. What had he thought of her then? She’d held nothing back, not physically or emotionally. She’d exposed her very soul to this man, and he’d chosen to walk away.

  She’d learned her lesson. She would never risk that much again.

  “By the end of the first week of class, I knew you were special,” he said. “You had so much potential. That’s why I rode you so hard. And you didn’t let me down. But as graduation got closer, I wasn’t so sure. You would be a damn fine agent. But at what price? We all pay it. There’s no getting away from it. The danger, the life-style, it requires everything. When the assignment is over and we go home, there’s nothing left inside. When the war is over, the warrior is simply unnecessary.”

  “But is the war ever over?”

  “It is for you,” he said. “You chose to walk away. What are you going to do?”

  He had her there. She’d quit, but she didn’t have a plan for her life.

  “I don’t know. There are so many options. Sometimes I’m immobilized by my choices.”

  “Your price is higher because you’re a woman,” he said.

  She swore loudly.

  He turned his head toward her. “You know it’s true, Jamie. You’re what, thirty?”

  She nodded.

  “Can you honestly tell me you’ve never regretted not having a child?”

  “It’s not too late,” she reminded him. “I’ve got lots of childbearing years left. What about you? Don’t you regret never having a family?”

  He faced front. “Sometimes. The difference is you still believe it’s possible, and I know it never was. At least not for me. Therefore, you’ve lost more.”

  His logic made sense in a twisted sort of way. “You continue to surprise me, Zach. Just when I think you’re an insensitive clod, you go and say something insightful.”

  “Hey, I’m full of surprises.”

  He was. This conversation was a surprise. She supposed it was the night that allowed them to talk so freely. Over the years, shadows had become their home. Darkness a friend. Something about the light made them feel exposed. Here the shadows made it safe.

  “Surprise me again,” she said. “Tell me when you’re going to get out.”

  He stood up and walked to the edge of the porch. It was only three feet away, but she felt as if he’d moved to another country. Their connection severed instantly, and the cold seeped into her bones.

  He pulled the quilt over his shoulders and braced his hands on the railing. “I won’t be. This is all I know.”

  She dropped her head to her knees. The hell of it was, he was telling the truth. He didn’t know any other world. Her heart ached for him.

  “I’m not sure you have a choice,” she said. “How many more times can you go through what you just endured? How many more times can you face death and walk away?”

  “I can’t answer that. Maybe death is the only way out.”

  “Don’t say that. Of course there’s another way.”

  “When you find it, let me know.”

  She glared at his back. “I hate it when you’re cynical. I refuse to believe this is all there is. We are intelligent creatures. We make choices. If we choose to let go of the past, then the future opens up to us.”

  “Keep saying it long enough and you’ll start to believe it.”

  She stood up and crossed the porch. “There has to be more.”

  “Why?”

  “Because—” She bit her lower lip. She didn’t have an answer.

  He shook his head. “Just because you want it to be true, doesn’t make it so. There doesn’t have to be more. There doesn’t have to be anything. Sometimes this is all there is.”

  “Other people have lives. Normal lives. I’ve seen them. They feel things and survive being ordinary. Are you saying that’s not available to us?”

  “Those ordinary people you so admire couldn’t do what we do.”

  She leaned against the railing. “Probably not.”

  “Have you considered that there might be two different kinds of people? Those of us who live on the fringes, and everyone else? We aren’t the same for a reason. We can’t pretend to be what we’re not.”

  “I refuse to believe that.”

  He shrugged. “Whatever gets you through the night.”

  She turned away from the forest beyond them and stared back at the house. Zach couldn’t be right. There were always choices. She’d chosen to enter the agency and she’d chosen to walk away. Two distinct choices that would affect her in radically different ways. Surely that changed everything. She was determined to get in touch with parts of herself she’d ignored, to find some kind of balance. Of course it wasn’t going to be easy. Change never was. But it would be worth it in the end.

  “I wonder how many people stay in because it’s easier than getting out,” she said. “After all, leaving means facing the demons.”

  “There are no demons.”

  “Aren’t there? What about the ghosts of the dead? What about the ugly memories, the pain, the suffering? Aren’t those demons?”

  “They only exist if you believe in them. That’s what gives them power.”

  She wished that were true. She knew it wasn’t. “How do you keep them quiet?”

  “I don’t listen to them. You feel too much, Jamie.”

  “And you don’t feel enough.”

  She rubbed her arms and pulled the blanket closer. Was this why Zach stayed in? Because he couldn’t face the demons of the past? Not feeling. That would do it. That would keep the memories at bay. But at what cost? How much of himself was tied up in keeping that door firmly closed?

  “Everyone has demons,” she said. “Our work feeds them and helps them grow.”

  He didn’t answer.

  She glanced at him. He’d straightened and leaned against the post by the stairs. He was stronger than he’d been just a few days ago. Soon he would make the run to the bottom of the driveway, and she would leave. To go where? That empty apartment that only served to emphasize her aloneness? Why wasn’t there a “normal” school where she could train to be ordinary? And, dammit, why wasn’t Zach willing to help her?

  “What are you hiding from?” she asked.

  He turned toward her. Even in the darkness, she felt the force of his glare. She had to consciously keep herself from flinching.

  He turned on his heel and walked inside.

  Jamie sucked in a breath. Obviously that question had struck close to home. Maybe she should ask it of herself. What was she hiding from?

  Life, maybe? The past, or was it the future? Neither, she decided. She wasn’t hiding. She was doing her best to step into the sunlight.

  But could she find a place to belong? Could she figure out what she wanted most of all?

  A small animal rustled in the darkness. The cold stung her skin. She could feel her heart pounding as if she’d just run five miles. Realization dawned and with it a unique, intense pain.

  She reached up and touched her cheek. Stunned, she brought her fingers to her lips and felt the moisture there. She was crying.

  And then she knew. The truth was so obvious, she wondered why it had taken this long for her to figure it out. She hadn’t rescued Zach because she owed him and she hadn’t come to the cabin to have him help her find her way back. She’d come here because after seven years, she’d never been able to forget him. She’d never let go. She’d come here because she
still loved him.

  She’d never stopped loving him.

  Chapter 9

  Zach jogged around the bend in the driveway and headed for the house. At the last minute, he made a sharp right and moved into the forest. For the first time, he’d run over a mile and he didn’t feel as if he was going to collapse and die. He wanted to take advantage of his newfound strength and find that damn battery. He had to get out of here.

  He and Jamie had been living together for nearly five weeks. Five weeks of bumping into her on the curves, of sharing domestic chores, of being in the same small, confining cabin. Even when he worked on it, he couldn’t go more than a few hours without catching sight of her. Even when he didn’t want to, he found himself watching her, studying the graceful movements of her body and the lean strength that was as much a part of her as her heartbeat. Even when he tried not to, he found himself inhaling the scent of her skin and wanting her.

  That was the worst of it. Wanting her. Day after day, night after night. He would lie awake feeling the heat in his groin and know he could never have her. He would wake up in an agonizing state of arousal, having dreamed about their week together. Cold showers weren’t working anymore. Nothing helped. He had to get away from her.

  When he reached the woods, he slowed. He’d already searched the house and hadn’t found the battery. Which meant she’d stowed it somewhere in the woods. If she’d been any other female, he could have limited the search area to how far she would be able to carry the battery. Because he was dealing with Jamie, that information wasn’t going to help him. She could have carried it for miles.

  But she wouldn’t have, he reminded himself. She would want it relatively close by in case of a medical emergency. After all, he’d been in pretty bad shape when he’d arrived.

  He stood with his back to the Bronco and surveyed the foliage in front of him. New, bright leaves covered the tree branches. The temperature still dipped toward freezing at night, but the days were warming up. Spring had arrived.

  Zach started his search in a small diamond pattern, expanding it every time he returned to the vicinity of the Bronco. He had to find the battery and he had to leave. If for no other reason than that Jamie was dangerous. Last week she’d talked about demons. He’d understood all too well.