by L. A. Fiore
“That’s fucking fine with me.”
“I want you out tonight.” I waited until Mr. Miller went back downstairs before I walked to Connor’s room. He was packing up his stuff when I entered. His head snapped to me, fury behind his gaze until he saw who it was.
“Sidney.”
“You can’t leave.”
“Believe me, I’m okay with this.”
“But this is your home.”
“This was never a home, for either of us.”
“You’re high and drunk all the time. They should be helping you and instead they kick you out. Where will you go?”
“I’ll crash at my friend’s place.”
“The same friend you’ve been getting high with?”
Anger rolled over his face. “It’s my life, Sidney.”
“What kind of life is that? I hate seeing you like this.”
He seemed rooted to the spot on the floor; his focus on the bag he packed. “The truth is I’m miserable here. I don’t want to leave you, but I want out. And if I know you’ll be okay by yourself, I’ll be okay.”
“Jake’s parents can talk to the Millers.”
Anger flashed across his face. “No. I don’t need your boyfriend’s parents getting involved.”
“They’re good people, Connor. I’d love for you to meet them.”
“That’s your thing, Sid, not mine.”
“What is your thing? Seriously, Connor, what are you doing? You’re barely getting the grades to graduate. You don’t want to go to college. You aren’t looking for a job that pays better and you spend your time drunk or high. What’s your plan?”
“Whatever the fuck I want. It’s my life, Sidney, to live as I choose.”
“But you aren’t living it.”
“Sure I am.”
“Partying is not living.”
“The hell it’s not. I’m having fun.”
“And if I were to ask the Stephenses to talk with you—”
“I would be really fucking pissed and since you’re the one thing in my life I love, I’d hate for that wall to go up.”
“And as your sister who loves you, my only option is to sit back and watch you ruin your life.”
“I’m hardly ruining it. It’s a phase. I’ll move past it eventually.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so. So you’ll be okay here alone?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m rarely here anyway.”
“Yeah, off with Jake. I like him for you. He’s a good guy.”
“I’m going to miss you.”
He walked to me and pulled me close. “I’m going to miss you too.”
Jake and his dad were at a game so Mrs. Stephens had suggested she and I go to the mall for a day of shopping and lunch. It was another first for me and even being nervous and a bit uncomfortable, I also felt a lightness in my chest I had never experienced before. Guilt lingered there too, knowing that I had the Stephenses and Connor had no one. Not that he was helping with that because it had been over a month since he’d been kicked out, but he wasn’t taking my calls.
When Jake learned about Connor, he’d been livid; he had wanted to go to his parents, but I explained Connor’s reaction to my suggestion of doing just that. I hoped that Connor was finding happy and was moving away from all the partying.
Mrs. Stephens and I were in Neiman Marcus; she was going through a rack of party dresses because they were hosting a garden party. Spring was in the air.
“What do you think of this?” She held up the prettiest, pale pink dress with spaghetti straps, fitted at the waist before ending at the ankles in a full skirt.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Why don’t you try it on?”
“Me?”
“This color against your skin tone would be exquisite.” Lowering the dress, she studied me. “Unless you don’t like it.”
“I do. I love it, but I thought we were looking for something for you.”
Her voice grew soft. “I’ve never had someone to shop with. I love Jake, but shopping for girls is so much more fun. It’s a first for me, Sidney, being able to spend the day looking at girlie things, having lunch, maybe getting our nails done.”
My chest grew tight and my eyes burned because despite her words, I knew this day was about more than that. She was sharing with me something most girls shared with their moms. And knowing she cared, that she wanted to give me a piece of normal, she went from being just Jake’s mom in that moment to an actual mom to me.
Feeling too overwhelmed to say much I reached for the dress. “Where’s the dressing room?”
Understanding filled her expression of just how much this day meant to me, and then she said, “We’ll check out shoes next.”
It was my sweet sixteen. School would be starting in a few days. Jake’s senior year. I was in my room staring at the pink roses Rylee had sent me. The fact that she remembered it was my birthday, when it had been discussed once in a conversation we had last year, touched me. And the roses, I had never before received flowers, and these were gorgeous. I cried when I called to thank her, but she understood. Unlike in years past, Connor was not around to celebrate my birthday. I missed him, didn’t see him nearly enough. We talked occasionally, but not as often as I’d like. I hated that he was alone and despite his words, I knew it hurt him to be kicked out of the only home he had ever known. The friend he was staying with was a bit wild and I had heard through the grapevine that Connor was doing as he’d said, partying hard. I just hoped he eventually partied himself out and grew up.
The knock at the door had me jumping up since I thought it was Connor. Instead it was Jake standing on the front stoop.
“Turn around.” He said in way of greeting.
“Why?”
“Just do it.”
As soon as I turned my back to him, he covered my eyes with a silk cloth. “What are you doing?”
“It’s a surprise.”
He led me from my house into his car.
“Jake?”
“It’s a short ride.”
We climbed from the car. “Not long now.”
When we reached our destination, he removed the blindfold. We were in his parent’s kitchen and sitting on the island was a birthday cake and next to it was a brightly wrapped present. Happiness so profound had tears running down my face.
“Happy birthday.”
“How did you know?”
“I have my ways. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t usually celebrate my birthday.”
His jaw clenched and his easy demeanor turned hard, but he shook it off and moved toward me. “Sweet sixteen,” he said as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me.
“We should have cake.” Though based on the gruffness of his voice cake was the last thing he wanted. And boy did I understand that.
“Right, cake. Good idea.”
His fingers threaded through my hair as he pulled my mouth to his. “I should clarify. I’ll settle for cake.”
He took a lighter from his pocket, lit the candles and sang happy birthday to me. And then we had cake, delicious cake, but what I loved most about the moment was sharing my first birthday cake with Jake.
“Open your present.”
My fingers shook a bit, but this was another first for me. I unwrapped the box and inside was Jake’s football jersey. I had asked for one, told him I wanted to wear his name on my back. He remembered. “I love it.”
“My parents are making dinner for you tonight.”
“You’re spoiling me, which will make it so hard next year when you’re gone.”
“Yeah about that. I’m not leaving you.”
“Of course you are, but if it works out I’ll join you when I graduate.”
“Not going without you. I’m deferring my enrollment.”
“And your parents?”
“They’d like for me to matriculate in the fall, but they understand why I don’t want to. I’ve laid out my plan for them,
they see how serious I am and how much thought I’ve put into it.”
“I’m not going to lie. The idea of you staying here, that I get more time with you, I love that.”
“Good.” But he said that in relief as if I would have an objection to him wanting to stay with me. How had I gotten so lucky? “I want the day with you,” he said.
“You can have all of my days.”
“Thank you for dinner. It was delicious.” Mrs. Stephens had made my favorite meal for my birthday dinner—chicken meatballs and spaghetti with sautéed broccoli. And after, she brought out a vanilla cake with raspberry filling and buttercream icing.
“We have a gift for you,” she said, right before she disappeared only to return with a silver wrapped box with a big, white bow. “It’s just something little.”
Emotions flooded me; never had I had a day like this—one where I wasn’t the one on the outside looking in, where I was wanted and loved. My eyes stung with tears as my shaking hands reached for the present.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to get me anything, just being here is present enough.”
“You only turn sixteen once.” Mr. Stephens said.
Unwrapping the present, I lifted the lid and resting on top of tissue paper was a long, black box. And inside that box was the most beautiful gold watch.
“Look at the back,” Mrs. Stephens said softly.
Turning the delicate watch over, the inscription had the tears I battled falling.
Happy sweet 16th Sidney
With all our love
I just sat there staring at the gift feeling overwhelmed with how easily they had all accepted me and more incredibly, loved me. Jake stood, hunching down next to me.
“Sid?” He wiped the tears from my cheeks. “You okay?”
Looking into those brown eyes, I knew this boy was the one I was meant to spend my life with. And how had I, Sidney Ellis, found not only the boy of my dreams, but a family of my very own?
“I love you,” I whispered.
Tenderness and possession moved over his face.
My eyes turned to Mrs. Stephens’ bright gaze. “Thank you for giving me a family.”
She wiped at her eyes. Her shaky smile was beautiful because there was so much said in that smile. “There’s something else in there.”
Moving the tissue paper, there was a picture of Jake and me in a silver frame, a picture from his junior prom.
“We have one too. It’s on the mantle.”
The Stephens’ mantle was filled with pictures of the family, just the family. Her adding a picture of me to the mantle meant that they really did think of me as family. And somehow that was even more profound than the watch. The wealth of emotions burning through me made speaking too hard, so instead I just held the picture to my heart and let my happy tears fall.
2006
Shattered
Jake and I had both been accepted into Cornell and were starting our freshman year shortly, but before we did there was the small matter of getting married. My knees shook and my hands were so damp I feared I might drop the small bouquet of white roses I held. When I came to live with the Millers, Connor’s love had begun the healing in me, but Jake had healed me. All the lonely and empty places were gone. He wasn’t just the boy I loved; he was my family. I never thought I’d have this, have someone I could call mine. Never thought I was good enough for it, but Jake proved me wrong and I have never been so happy to be wrong.
“You look beautiful. Are you nervous?” Rylee asked as we waited in the corridor of town hall. She was my maid of honor. It was silly, but I hadn’t wanted to drive over with Jake. I didn’t want him to see me until it was our turn with the Justice of the Peace. Connor drove Rylee and me, but he disappeared shortly after we arrived. Whatever he was doing, he better hurry because we were up soon. My dress was a white lace sheath with spaghetti straps that I paired with strappy silver sandals. Rylee helped with pulling my hair up into a fancy knot. My wedding ensemble was simple and yet I never felt more beautiful.
“I’m excited, not nervous. I’m marrying Jake. Part of me can’t believe it and another part of me knew this moment was coming from the very first time I saw him.”
“I knew it. I told you, I was there for the beginning. You guys have it. What that it is I couldn’t put into words, but you have it in spades.”
And we did and just thinking of him had tears of profound happiness prickling my eyes.
“Don’t cry. You’ll smear your makeup.” She studied me, her head tilting as her eyes narrowed. “They’re happy tears, right?”
“Yes.”
“You need to dry your eyes and fix your makeup. I’ll take your roses. You take my purse. Your makeup bag is in there.”
“What would I do without you?”
“You’d look like a zombie on your wedding day.”
“Thank you, Rylee. I’m so glad you’re here.”
We shared a moment, her eyes turning a bit bright, before she said, “Don’t make me cry too. Hurry, you’re up in ten minutes.”
Connor came strolling down the hall as Rylee called to him. “There you are! I was about to send out a search party.”
“Relax,” he said, but he was grinning. I could smell alcohol on his breath and I wanted to smack him for getting tipsy on my wedding day. It had been almost four years and he was still partying, showing no signs of stopping. I had thought he’d been getting high and drunk out of bitterness and anger, but I was beginning to think his actions stemmed from something much simpler. He liked it. And even for all my fretting and worrying, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it but watch as Connor self-destructed. And as much as I wanted to scream at him to snap out of it, my wedding day wasn’t the day for that.
“You look beautiful, Sid, except for the raccoon thing you’ve got going on with your eyes.”
And even when he disappointed me, I still loved him. “Oh…I’ll be right back.”
Five minutes later, I rejoined Rylee and Connor and just in time because Jake and his parents were coming down the hall. I took in every detail of him because I wanted to remember always the sight of him in that moment. He looked beautiful, dressed in a simple black suit, white shirt and tie. The smile on his face was nearly as big as my own.
I pulled my focus from Jake to Mr. and Mrs. Stephens who had asked me to call them Lauren and Jasper, or mom and dad if I was so inclined. Even with how they had taken me in, loved me like their own, I had thought they would object to us getting married so young, but they seemed to understand what Jake and I did. What we had was real and lasting.
“You look beautiful,” Lauren said.
She’d had helped me pick out my dress and sandals, another day of shopping and lunch, something we did often after that first time. “Thank you, Mom.”
“I have something old.” She reached into her purse for the black velvet box that held a silver hair clip with blue stones.
“They’re sapphires, so it’s something old and blue. I wore it when I got married, I’d like for you to have it now.”
Touched by not just the gift but also the meaning behind it, when I was able to speak all that came out was, “Could you help me with it?”
Her eyes were bright too. “I’d love to.”
The door opened and a man called our names. “Jake Stephens and Sidney Ellis.”
Jake’s hand closed around mine. “Ready?”
“More than ready.”
“To the beginning of the rest of our lives,” He said before he eagerly led me toward the open door.
Our reception was a backyard affair at Jake’s house catered by his mom’s catering company. We didn’t have an actual wedding ceremony because Jake and I had wanted to get married sooner rather than later, but his parents wanted to throw us a reception. They wanted to officially introduce Mr. and Mrs. Jake Stephens to their friends and family.
They hired a band; a dance floor was setup on the grass. Tables and chairs were arranged around the lawn, waiter
s carrying trays of appetizers walked around. It was elegant and yet simple and exactly what Jake and I wanted.
Jake had lost the tie and jacket and I had stepped out of my sandals. Walking around the backyard hand-in-hand, we both had the biggest, silliest smiles on our faces.
“We did it, wife.”
“Yes we did, husband.”
“This is the happiest day of my life. And tonight, when I make you mine, I will be the luckiest man alive.”
I was a virgin and though Jake and I had been together for four years and we had reached third base often, we both wanted to wait until we were married. And how crazy was it that we knew we’d have this day?
“How do you think Tigger and Stuart will adjust to our new place?” We were taking them with us to New York. Jake insisted. We made sure to get an apartment off campus that allowed pets. How wonderful was he?
“I think they’ll be happy—fat and happy and warm all the time.”
The band started playing ‘The Luckiest’ from Ben Folds and Jake immediately pulled me to the dance floor. He wrapped me in his arms and buried his face in my neck. Jake had selected this song and when I listened to the lyrics they etched themselves on my heart. To know this man loved me like he did, the intensity and beauty of that love was humbling.
A commotion started at one of the tables. Jake and I turned in time to see as Connor stumbled into a waiter sending the glasses he carried flying. I tried to pull from Jake, to get to Connor before he made a bigger scene, but Jake wouldn’t release me.
“It’s our wedding day. We’ll handle him tomorrow.”
“But your parents…”
“Tomorrow, Sidney. Nothing is going to spoil this day.”
“You’re right. Tomorrow is soon enough.”
That day was the happiest day of my life, but with the sweet comes the sour.
“Sidney, are you ready?” Jake called from the living room of our small apartment off campus. Two years into marriage and it all still felt so new. We had our routines, like grabbing breakfast together at the pancake place right down the street from our apartment, but every day I discovered something new about him. And every new discovery only made me love him more. I never thought I’d ever be this happy, never really believed that my life could be this sweet.
