by L. A. Fiore
“We’re going to be late for class if we don’t get a move on,” he said as he entered our room.
“I’m coming.”
He moved in, his strong arms wrapping around my waist, his lips pressing a kiss on my neck. “It’s not really fair that I’m giving you grief for running late when I’m the reason you’re running late.”
My body warmed at the memory of how Jake woke me that morning. “You can wake me like that every morning.”
“Maybe I will.”
“Keep talking like that and we will definitely be missing class.”
He growled deep in his throat, kissed my shoulder then stepped back. “Too tempting. Have you heard from Connor?”
My happy glow faded thinking about Connor. He hadn’t grown out of partying; he had embraced it as a way of life. Drugs and alcohol were like his new best friends. He couldn’t hold down a job, his circle of friends was growing smaller and smaller. He didn’t even have his own place. He slept in his car. And remembering how happy he had been when he got that car, how he believed the world had opened up to us, broke my heart because that hadn’t happened for him. His world had gotten very small.
“No, but I think maybe I need to go home this weekend. Not hearing from him is never a good thing.”
“We’ll go home this weekend.”
Without fail he always had my back. “You are always exactly what I need when I need it. How did I get so lucky?”
He touched my chin. “I’m the lucky one, Sid.”
The smile I offered in reply was shaky because of the emotions his words stirred, the wonder of having someone love me as much as I loved him.
He pressed his lips to mine. “I need to feed you.”
He already had. I was no longer that lonely girl hungry for love. And I had a lifetime with him. I was a very lucky girl.
“Are you going to fucking cry? God you’re such a fucking girl,” Connor slurred as he slumped in the corner of a drug den. It was a scene that I’d grown used to in the past two years, since that first trip home during our sophomore year. No longer were the drugs recreational; Connor was an addict. My one-time beautiful brother sat in a puddle of his own urine and was too high to realize it.
“Leave me. I want to be here.”
“No one wants to be here.”
“Go with your perfect husband, live your perfectly boring life and leave me the fuck alone.”
“How can you ask me to do that? You’re my brother. I love you.”
“Well, I don’t fucking love you. So fuck off.”
Jake pulled Connor to his feet and slammed him against the wall. “You don’t ever talk to your sister that way, fuck head. You hear me? High or not, I’ll fucking push your teeth down your throat.”
“Whatever.”
Jake dropped him; he landed in a heap. “We can’t help him if he won’t help himself.”
He was right, as much as it pained me to admit it. “I know.”
“Leave him. Let him wallow a bit at rock bottom and then maybe he’ll accept our help.” Jake turned those dark eyes on me. “I don’t like you in this pisshole, sweetheart. Can I please get you out of here?”
I nodded my head, couldn’t put into words my agreement because I hated that I was giving up on my brother. But the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different outcome. I’d fallen into that pattern.
“I’m here for you, Connor, whenever you need me.”
“I don’t need you.”
Jake reached for my hand and tugged me closer. “One day you’ll apologize to her.”
“The hell I will.”
“Let’s go,” I whispered.
Reaching Jake’s car, he pulled me to him and held me close. “I’m sorry, Sidney.”
“Me too. I’m sorry we spent our break from school hunting down Connor, again, especially since he doesn’t want our help.”
“You needed to know how he was. I’m just sorry it wasn’t better news.”
“We should get back to school. Finals are coming.”
“We need to look for a house as well.”
“Our first house.”
“Big enough to start a family.”
“Children with you, I love that idea.”
He touched my cheek as he studied my face. “Are you happy?”
“Four years married to you. Yes, deliriously.”
“Good.”
“Are you?”
“I have you, Sid, absolutely.”
Six months after graduating Cornell, Jake and I moved into our first house. Just outside of Princeton, it was a beautiful little Cape Cod. Jake had taken a job at his father’s firm working as an investment banker and Rylee and I, now that we had completed our undergraduate work, were enrolled in veterinary school.
It was a beautiful autumn day as I sat out back contemplating the potential of our backyard.
Jake appeared with two glasses of wine. He placed one of the glasses in front of me at the same time I tilted my head back for his kiss. His lips tasted like wine. He settled across from me.
“You looked deep in thought just now. What are you thinking about?”
“We should add some gardens. There’s so much space back here and with the fence, gardens would soften the lines. We could even add a vegetable garden. Mom would love that, fresh vegetables to cook with when she pops over.” Lauren and Jasper popped over often. They were respectful and didn’t overdo their visits, but I liked the four of us preparing and eating a meal together.
“Sounds like a plan. I think we should add a hot tub.
“A hot tub? I don’t really see that working into the plans I’ve got rolling around in my head.”
He leaned forward a bit, but it was the devilish look in his eyes that had lust whipping through me. “A hot tub, concealed by large bushes so I can get my wife naked and have some fun.”
That lust settled between my legs. “I’m seeing the merit in this idea.”
Leaning back, he reached for his glass and grinned. “I knew you would.” He took a sip, his expression changing slightly. “Maybe we should put in a swing set, forward thinking and all.”
Desire shifted to love at the thought of children with him—a little boy with that same dark hair and eyes.
“I like that idea.”
“We can start whenever you’re ready. Now works for me, but I understand if you’d rather wait until you finish school.”
“It might be easier with our schedules if I was done with school, but we’ll figure it out if we get pregnant before that. Besides, your parents are so close and you know they would love to help.”
He put his glass down and pushed his chair back. “So you’re giving me the green light to ravish you as often as I want.”
My whole body throbbed. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“Then I’ll give you to the count of three.”
It only took to the count of one since I ran…but not away from him.
“No, your eyes on me. I want to see you come.” Jake’s body pushed deeper into me as my knees lifted and my hips moved. “God, I love watching you lose control. Come on sweetheart, reach for it.”
And I did and each time it felt like the first time; the intense pleasure that burned through me, the weakening of my limbs, the pounding of my heart and the delicious friction between my legs as Jake moved deeper and faster.
Curling his fingers around my thighs, he lifted my hips and sated himself. I understood why he loved watching me come; his expression was beautiful.
We’d been trying to have a baby. I suspected it was stress and overwork that kept that from happening. Jake was now a vice president at the firm and though he could have worked eighty-hour weeks, he wouldn’t. He was determined to find the balance between work and home, but maintaining that balance was stressful at times. Rylee and I had a year left in school and after we graduated we wanted to open a practice together, but first we had to put in the time at other places, to learn the rop
es and cultivate some clients. I loved every second, but it was exhausting.
And I was sure worrying over Connor wasn’t helping on the baby front. He hadn’t changed. He seemed perfectly happy to kill himself slowly. We had tried to get him into counseling, had tried everything, but he liked being an addict. Jake, Rylee and I were told by the counselors we were doing it right; we had to practice tough love. No feeding the addict and we had been. Too many times he’d come to us, telling us what we wanted to hear, convincing us he was finally ready to change his ways, to get clean. We’d give him money that he immediately put into his veins. It broke my heart, but nothing we did seemed to get through to him. And still, when he called needing help, we went because we loved him and couldn’t turn our backs on him.
“What’s put that look on your face?” Jake’s soft voice pulled me back to him.
“Nothing.”
“You look really pissed, not the look a man wants to see on his woman’s face after he’s just made love to her.”
“I’m sorry. I was thinking…never mind.”
“You were thinking about Conner.”
“Yeah. I just…we’re so happy and he’s—”
“When he’s ready, Sidney, we’ll be there for him.”
“I know, but seeing him, what he’s been reduced to is really hard. And I hate how that ugliness has touched you and your family. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into.”
He brushed the hair from my cheek, his thumb stroking the line of my jaw. “Best day of my life, the day I met you.”
Loving the way his touch still seared me even after all this time, I hadn’t heard his words. “I’m sorry?”
“I saw this beautiful girl and I knew, with just one look, that you would be in my life forever. I’d put up with a lifetime or two of his bullshit if it means I get to wake to your face every day for the rest of my life.”
My heart melted. “I love you.”
“I love you.” He shifted his hips, a moan pulled from the back of my throat. “I think it’s time for round two.”
Lifting my hips, and taking him deeper, I grinned. “Good idea.”
The phone rang. Glancing at my watch on the bedside table, it was only three in the morning. My heart slammed into my ribs; late night calls were never good when you had an addict for a brother.
“Yeah. Okay. I’m coming.”
Jake dropped the phone on the table and threw his legs over the side of the bed. “Connor needs a ride. He’s tripping pretty badly.”
“Who was that?”
“One of his crack-head friends.”
“I’m coming with you.”
Jake grabbed for his jeans. “No, you’re staying here.”
“He’s my brother. Why should you be forced to deal with this shit?”
He turned, his expression one I knew well. Love, but determination. “Sweetheart, let me scope it out and see how bad it is. I’ll call you.”
“But—”
“Let me look after you, Sidney. Please.”
“I hate this.”
He yanked on his tee before leaning over the bed and kissing me, long and hard. “Keep the bed warm.”
“Love you. And thank you.”
He touched my cheek as he had a habit of doing. “I’ll be back.”
I couldn’t fall back to sleep, lay in bed wondering just how fucked up my brother was because it was taking Jake an awfully long time getting him home. The doorbell had my heart jumping into my throat. Shit. He was so bad that Jake couldn’t even get him into the house on his own. Climbing from bed, anger warring with worry, I yanked open the door prepared to verbally slap my brother. But it wasn’t Jake at the door. Two cops stood there, their expressions grave.
What had Connor done now? “Yes?”
“Sidney Stephens?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know a Connor Reid?”
“My brother. What has he done? Where’s Jake?” I asked as I tried to look around them.
“Maybe we should step inside.” One of the cops suggested.
“I’m sorry, yes please come in. I’ll make some coffee.”
They silently followed me to the kitchen as I busied myself with the coffee. Jake loved his coffee and after whatever Connor had pulled him into, he was going to need some.
“Mrs. Stephens?”
Looking at them from over my shoulder, my heart dropped. Whatever happened, it wasn’t good. Turning to them, the bag of coffee I held was completely forgotten.
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there was an accident earlier.”
In response to those words, a chill moved through me and my heart pounded so hard it hurt. “With my brother?”
Officer Zane, that was his name, looked down at the floor for a second like he was drawing strength from something before his blue gaze returned to me. “Mr. Stephens’ car was struck in a head-on by a tractor trailer. I’m so sorry to tell you this, but both Mr. Stephens and Mr. Reid were killed on impact.”
My brain vehemently denied his words. There was no way Jake was dead, my brother, to lose both of them. No way. “That can't be. Jake was just running out to get my brother. I’m expecting them to walk through that door any minute now.”
Sorrow and pity filled his expression and even trying to deny his words, my heart acknowledged the truth of them and the reality that my whole world had changed in a blink of an eye. My legs went weak and I reached out for the counter to keep myself standing as a pain exploded in my chest making it so hard to breathe. People often say their lives flash before their eyes when they’re facing down death and it did for me. My life with Jake flashed through my mind: the day he pulled up beside me and changed my life, his tall, strong body leaning against my locker, our first kiss, our first dance, the look of absolute love on his face when he pledged himself to me for as long as we both shall live, his smile that even being so slight still managed to brighten every aspect of his beautiful face. And his voice, it rang so clearly in my mind, that soothing tenor that softened to a husky whisper when he told me he loved me. Jake was dead. The sob ripped from my throat.
“Mrs. Stephens, is there someone we can call?”
That someone was Jake; had been Jake since I was fifteen years old. He was the whole of my world. Every happy memory, every joy, every kiss, every part of me included him and now he was gone. My beautiful Jake was dead. My knees crumbled, my body sliding to the floor, my hands fisting the bag of coffee. Jake was gone. Only two hours ago he was in our bed, his soft breath tickling my neck and now he was... Curling into myself, the pain moved through me like a cancer. It should have been me. It was my brother; it should have been me in that car. How would I go on without Jake? All the years that spanned out before me, years without him, how was I supposed to continue on without my heart?
A tractor trailer. Oh my God. “Did they feel anything? Did they suffer?” Please, don’t have let them suffer. Let it have happened so fast that they felt no pain; that Jake didn’t hurt and call out to me only for that plea to be unanswered. Please don’t let my husband’s last thought in this life be worry over leaving me behind.
“No, it happened very quickly.”
And in that moment, I felt empty, broken and furious with my brother as it settled over me—a long life without Jake. Lifting my head, the weight of my grief was almost too much to bear. “He's really gone? Are you sure you have the right person?”
Officer Zane, his eyes were bright. A tear rolled down his cheek. “I'm so sorry.”
All the pieces I had collected with Jake, the pieces that made me feel whole, shattered as I was dragged back into the abyss—a dark, empty and lonely abyss.
The Stephens’ living room was so quiet, the curtains were drawn and the lights were low. They were both on the other side of the room sitting on the sofa, so close their thighs were touching. Lauren held a picture of Jake, her head lowered, a tissue grasped so tightly in her hand that her knuckles were white against the silver frame. Jasp
er’s arm was wrapped protectively around her shoulders. His head too was lowered, his focus also on the picture of Jake. It was one I knew well, he was young in the photo, holding a football that was almost too big for his little hands. As I silently watched their grief, I felt responsible for it. It had been my brother who had pulled Jake from our bed, my brother that had Jake in that car, my brother whose problems put my beautiful husband in the path of that tractor trailer.
“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Lauren whispered; the tightening of his arm around her was Jasper’s silent agreement.
“He was always such a beautiful soul.” Lauren’s voice cracked, her tears fell harder. “Every second, every moment, he brought so much to our lives.”
My fingers hurt from twisting them so hard, my own head dropped as my tears fell uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry.” I wasn’t even sure I’d spoken the words loud enough to be heard.
“Sidney, honey.”
It was so hard to lift my head to them, to the pain I knew burned in their eyes. Both now studied me, like they had the picture still grasped so tightly in Lauren’s hands. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
I wanted to argue, but this wasn’t about easing my guilt, this was about remembering the beautiful man they raised. “I never said it, thought there would be so much more time to do so, but thank you.”
Lauren’s head tilted slightly because she knew my thoughts had shifted. “For?”
“For raising such a beautiful, strong and wonderful man. He loved you both so much.”
Lauren dropped her head on Jasper’s shoulder; her eyes closed as the tears rolled down her cheeks. Jasper rested his lips on her head; his own tears streaking down his face. They both reached a hand out to me and I didn’t hesitate, dropping to my knees when I reached them and wrapped them both in my arms, Jake’s picture lovingly cocooned in the center of our embrace, as we mourned his loss.
The crash jerked me from sleep. It took a minute for me to remember that I was at the Stephens’ house, in Jake’s old room. Another crash, which was followed by what sounded like an animal’s mournful cry, had me jumping out of bed and rushing downstairs. Mom stood just outside Dad’s office. She reached for my hand when I approached, holding me back as much as seeking comfort. Dad was in his office, or what was left of it. Shattered glass and splintered wood littered the floor. But it was the sight of him that had me choking back a sob…destroyed.
