7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  Alex breathed in and out slowly. ‘Okay. Here goes. Casey and I, we got married in May, and since that day, we haven’t been able to make love.’ He studied the doctor’s face for a reaction, but there was nothing other than professional calm. Alex felt compelled to elaborate. ‘We haven’t been able to make love at all. And we’ve tried all manner of tricks. We’re at our wits’ end. We don’t understand it.’

  The doctor was silent for a few moments. ‘How exactly does your inability to make love manifest itself?’

  Alex sighed helplessly. ‘We get all fired up, and right before we can, you know, do it, everything goes away. Literally.’

  ‘I see.’

  The doctor rubbed his face. Was that a hint of sympathy in his eyes? Alex couldn’t be sure.

  ‘So let me be clear on this, if I may. You manage to achieve an erection, but it doesn’t last when you’re trying to join with your wife. Is that correct?’

  Alex grimaced. ‘Man, it sounds horribly clinical when you put it like that. But yes, I suppose that’s correct.’

  ‘Hm.’ More face rubbing ensued. ‘Was there any specific event that might have triggered some kind of mental barrier to making love? Any kind of trauma? An argument, perhaps?’

  ‘No. Absolutely not.’ At last, Alex was able to speak with confidence. ‘Our sex life was always exciting and fulfilled before—before we got married. That’s what I don’t understand. You know, one day we’re at it like there’s no tomorrow, if you pardon the expression, and the next day, we’re closed for business.’

  ‘Have you talked this through with your wife?’

  Alex felt himself redden. ‘Not in so many words. We—we both seemed to think that if we acknowledged the problem, we’d make it more real, somehow.’

  ‘I can understand that.’

  ‘What happened to me tonight?’ Alex decided to return the conversation to the crisis at hand before he could be drawn into a futile analysis of his and Casey’s strange bind.

  The doctor flipped through his notes. His face turned more serious again. ‘We found a significant amount of cantharidin in your ginseng powder.’

  ‘Cantharidin?’

  ‘Indeed. It’s a toxin that leads to blistering of the skin. It’s sometimes used for wart treatment. Taken in large quantities, it’s poisonous.’

  ‘Cantharidin?’ Alex repeated once more. ‘A wart treatment? Why would that be in my ginseng powder? All I wanted was to stimulate blood flow…’

  The doctor frowned. ‘I know. It’s unusual to find cantharidin in a powder that claims to be purely herbal. Normally, it’s the other way round. I can only imagine that the manufacturers are trying to enhance the lure of their product by making it more powerful—and presumably more expensive—than it actually is through the addition of an illegal substance.’

  ‘Illegal substance?’ Alex squeaked. ‘I was really careful to get something harmless.’

  ‘I’m sure you were. But cantharidin is far from harmless. You may know it better under its common name of Spanish Fly.’

  ‘Spanish Fly?’ Alex blanched. ‘I did my research on… um. Well. Sexual enhancers, shall we say, and that wasn’t on the list of things I wanted to try.’

  ‘I thought as much. What’s worse, the concentration in your powder was significant, which is what caused your reaction. As I said, you were lucky your wife called an ambulance. We were able to start flushing the toxin out of your body promptly.’

  Alex closed his eyes. He was deeply, deeply gutted. He had only gone and stumbled onto one of the most dangerous aphrodisiac substances known to man. Really, how stupid could you get?

  ‘Mr Morgan.’ The doctor broke into Alex’s self-recriminations. ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. You couldn’t have known. We’ll report the supplier to the police to try to stop other people from getting hurt. Meanwhile—’

  He paused, and after a small eternity, Alex felt compelled to open his eyes to see whether the doctor was still there.

  ‘Meanwhile,’ the doctor continued at last, ‘I would like to prescribe you a legal stimulant that may help you overcome your problem.’ He scribbled on a piece of paper. ‘I would also urge you to have a frank conversation with your wife and possibly seek counselling.’

  He handed Alex a prescription, and Alex could feel his jaw drop.

  ‘Viagra?’

  ‘It’s your best bet if you want chemical help. But don’t take more than instructed.’

  ‘Wow.’ Alex was stunned. A mix of emotions assaulted his head. Partly, he was in awe that he should get to try the stuff, and partly, he was in despair that he should need to. And what if that didn’t work either?

  The doctor rose. Clearly Alex’s time was up. ‘If you need a further prescription, please see your GP. I’d rather you didn’t order any more dubious substances off the Internet, okay?’ He smiled.

  ‘I—wow. Okay. Of course. Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Now, when you leave here, I need you to keep drinking plenty of water. Also, keep taking those diuretics for another day or two. If you’re in discomfort, take some painkillers. You can go home when your latest set of bloods is back.’

  Alex swallowed hard. He didn’t relish the prospect of another two days of playing at waterworks and rushing to the toilet every five minutes, but he supposed that he was getting off lightly. At least there was no permanent damage to any parts of his anatomy.

  ‘Thank you, doctor,’ he managed. ‘For… for listening, and for not judging, and for—well, trying to help.’

  The doctor smiled. ‘All in a day’s work,’ he offered kindly before he left. ‘Good luck to you.’

  Amen to that, Alex thought.

  Chapter Eight:

  A Curse and a Psychic

  ~Casey~

  ‘At least that’s the last of it,’ Casey called after Alex as he went to the loo for the fifteenth time that day.

  ‘Gosh, I hope so,’ Alex called back. ‘This is awful.’

  ‘Hold on to that feeling for when I’m pregnant,’ Casey joked. ‘You’ll be able to empathise.’

  ‘I certainly will.’ Alex returned and wrapped Casey in a hug. ‘Whose turn is it?’

  ‘Yours.’ Casey pointed at the silver car on the Monopoly board. ‘And don’t you dare skip over my properties again, I’ll go bankrupt if you don’t pay me rent.’

  Alex rolled the dice, and Casey relished the moment. They had been holed up at home ever since Alex had been released from hospital. She had surreptitiously changed the sheets and banished every reminder of that fateful night from the house. Alex was all right, and that was all that mattered. He had now taken the last of the prescribed course of diuretics, and he had certainly peed for England these past two days.

  The first day back home, they had had ‘the talk.’ It hadn’t been a long talk, because there wasn’t all that much to say. Alex had explained why he had ordered the fateful powder, and they had both acknowledged, in actual words, the various tricks they had deployed to get each other excited. They were still at an impasse though as Alex was in no state yet to try out his Viagra. But they agreed that either way, it wasn’t a big deal. At least, that was what they said to each other.

  ‘We married for life and to make music, not for the love of sex, right?’ Alex had flippantly summed up the situation, and now they were both holding onto that thought.

  The only thing was… Well… She couldn’t imagine a life completely without sex. It was important, no matter what they told each other. And it was rather necessary, too, if they wanted to start a family. She wished now she hadn’t made that joke about what it would be like to be pregnant. Alex had looked glum and miserable for a moment before he cracked a smile and rolled the dice.

  They played on, and Casey was getting progressively more broke. Luck was definitely favouring Alex that day, and Casey tried hard not to bear a grudge.

  She had just landed on Alex’s Park Avenue yet again when her mobile phone beeped with an incoming message. Glad at the d
istraction, Casey pounced on it. The message was from Sasha, and it was cryptic and a little disturbing.

  I figured it out! It’s the curse!!! I’ll explain in person. Be with you in half an hour. XXX

  ‘Sasha’s gone mad,’ Casey announced to Alex. ‘She’s talking about some sort of curse, and she’s coming over to explain.’

  Alex laughed out loud. ‘I’ll look forward to hearing it. What kind of a curse?’

  Casey wasn’t amused. ‘No idea. But you don’t believe in that kind of stuff, do you?’

  ‘Nah, of course not. But I can’t wait to hear what she’s come up with. However, young lady, you owe me a shedload of rent…’

  He didn’t get to enforce his payment though as the doorbell rang right at that moment.

  ‘That can’t be Sasha already?’

  ‘Not unless she flew across London,’ Casey agreed. ‘I’ll get it.’

  She rose to answer the door and was thunderstruck when Liza and Myles burst into the house bearing beer, wine, and takeaway pizza.

  ‘What are you guys doing here?’

  ‘We wanted to surprise you,’ Myles blurted out. ‘Plus Liza here has something she wants to talk to you about.’

  Casey looked from Myles to Liza and back. She had a curious sinking feeling in her stomach, a foreboding. ‘You’re not breaking up the band, are you?’

  Liza exploded with laughter. ‘Why on earth would you think that? Besides, Alex calls the shots anyway. Can we come in, maybe? Then all will be revealed.’

  ‘Of course, of course.’ Casey belatedly realised that she was blocking their entry. Hurriedly, she stood back and ushered them in.

  Before she had even closed the front door, there was a hullaballoo of hellos from the lounge. Evidently, Alex was delighted to see their friends. Casey smiled. She was pleased too, especially as it got her out of an utter and shameful defeat.

  By the time she stepped back into the lounge, Alex had put the game away. Myles was lounging on a sofa, and Liza was pouring drinks.

  ‘I didn’t expect to see you for another few days,’ Alex was saying to Myles. ‘I thought you’d gone on a bender to Brighton?’

  ‘I had,’ Myles confirmed. ‘But it got a bit old, so I came back early. And then Liza called with this really important piece of news, so we thought we’d surprise you.’

  He helped himself to a slice of pepperoni pizza.

  ‘What kind of news?’ Casey chimed in, looking at Liza. ‘Are you having a baby or something?’

  ‘No!’ Liza bellowed. ‘No, I’m not. But I figured out why you aren’t.’

  ‘You what?’ Alex and Casey replied in unison. Casey found it hard to say who was more shocked, her husband or herself.

  ‘It’s obvious that you’re not exactly jumping each other at the moment.’ Liza delivered this bombshell of an insight with her typical insouciant air.

  Alex played dumb. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She means,’ Myles clarified in between mouthfuls of pizza, ‘that for weeks now we’ve been watching you two tiptoe around each other. You barely touch each other anymore, yet there’s sexual frustration written all over you. Both of you.’

  ‘There is?’ Casey interjected weakly.

  ‘You’re joking, right?’ Alex asked at the same time.

  ‘No, we’re not joking, and yes, there is,’ Liza picked up the thread again. ‘You’ve been like two bears with sore heads. One of you in that state is bad enough, but both of you has been hell. So we’ve been thinking…’

  ‘Yeah, we’ve been asking ourselves what the heck could have happened between you two. By the way, mate…’ Myles looked at Alex reproachfully. ‘You lied to me. You said you’d done her—’

  ‘Yes, thank you, Myles, that’ll do,’ Alex interrupted quickly. Casey frowned.

  ‘You said what?’ she prompted Alex.

  ‘Nothing.’ Alex waved a hand. ‘Ah, come on now, love. You know boys will do boys’ talk. It’s all hot air.’

  Casey relaxed. She certainly knew about boys’ talk. Myles, however, appeared peeved. ‘What do you mean, it’s all hot air?’

  ‘Let’s not go there right now, Myles,’ Liza interceded again. ‘We wanted to put these two out of their misery, didn’t we?’

  ‘Oh yeah. So we did.’ Myles grabbed another piece of pizza. Casey was dying to take one too, but she got the feeling that this wasn’t the best time to fill her mouth with cheesy dough.

  ‘So assuming you’re right, and I’m not saying you are…’

  Liza guffawed. ‘Still playing coy?’

  ‘No,’ Casey clarified. ‘Only reluctant to bare my soul to two mischief makers. That’s all.’

  ‘Hey, we’re your friends!’ Liza pouted.

  ‘I know. But still. Some things are private.’

  ‘Then you need to become better actors. Anyway, where I was going is—’

  ‘She thinks you’re cursed,’ Myles cut in.

  ‘Cursed?’ Once more, Alex and Casey exclaimed in unison.

  ‘Oh gosh, not you too,’ Casey added.

  ‘What do you mean, “not you too”?’ Liza was perplexed.

  ‘You and Sasha. Just before you turned up, she texted me saying she’d found out about some sort of curse, and she’d be coming right over to explain,’ Casey elucidated.

  Right on cue, the doorbell rang.

  ‘Hold that thought,’ Alex instructed. ‘That’ll be Sasha. I’ll let her in.’

  Casey, Myles, and Liza sat in an uncomfortable silence while Alex went to the door. Within half a minute, Sasha joined the group, her cheerful greeting freezing on her face when she took in the solemn faces in the room.

  ‘Hey, you guys. What’s up with you?’

  Casey shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Apparently we’re cursed.’

  Sasha visibly deflated at this piece of news. ‘You already know?’

  ‘No! I haven’t a clue what you’re all on about,’ Casey grumbled, ‘but you’re driving me nuts. Will you please explain?’

  Sasha sat down next to Casey, and Alex reclaimed his seat on the other side. Casey caught Liza and Sasha exchanging a glance. Liza nodded imperceptibly, and Sasha cleared her throat.

  ‘So you know how I promised you I was going to look into your… eh… little problem?’

  Casey rolled her eyes. Damn it, now she had lost the moral high ground. It would be obvious to Alex that she had talked to her best friend. She cringed. Alex, however, chuckled.

  ‘Ah, so there’s hot air talk between girls, too?’ he teased.

  ‘Ignore him,’ Casey instructed Sasha, but she gave Alex a big smile. She was relieved that he wasn’t cross with her.

  ‘Right. Um. Okay. You remember your wedding day?’

  ‘Yes, of course I do.’

  ‘Well, when the speeches were made and you clinked glasses, you and Alex—’

  Liza jumped up with excitement and shouted with glee, helping Sasha complete her sentence: ‘You didn’t look at each other!’

  There was a stunned silence in the room while Alex and Casey tried to assimilate the importance of this statement. She remembered all too well her conversation with Alex on the yacht after they had trawled through the wedding video. He had pointed out to her even then that she hadn’t looked at him.

  Casey shivered. She caught Alex’s eye and saw nothing but utter confusion. Liza was still standing up, one fist raised in an air punch. Sasha had taken one of Casey’s hands into her own.

  Eventually Alex spoke. ‘Maybe we didn’t look at each other. So what?’

  Liza and Sasha shared another look. ‘The seven-years-bad-sex curse!’ they shouted as one.

  Alex burst out laughing. ‘The seven-years-bad-sex curse?’ he repeated. ‘You’re taking the mickey, right?’

  Myles was chuckling so hard, he toppled over sideways on the sofa and had to hold his stomach. ‘That’s why we had to rush over here? To tell them about a seven-years-bad-sex curse?’

  ‘Laugh all you want,’ Liza said calmly
. ‘But you’re watching it in action.’

  Casey swallowed hard. She didn’t believe in curses. They were nothing but delusory superstitions from the middle ages. But still, both Sasha and Liza looked utterly serious.

  ‘So—so what does that curse entail?’ Casey asked, her voice almost a whisper.

  Sasha produced her smartphone and called up a website. ‘It says here,’ she said, ‘there’s a superstition in many parts of southern Europe about how not looking at each other when clinking glasses during a toast brings couples seven years bad sex.’ She angled her phone so that everyone could see the screen.

  ‘And you were in France when you committed this ritualistic mishap,’ Liza offered helpfully. ‘So that definitely applies.’

  ‘How do you even know we didn’t look at each other?’ Alex suddenly piped up.

  ‘We looked through the wedding footage on our phones, and we caught that moment on camera. I didn’t understand at the time why Liza found this so significant, but you were definitely looking at the sky, Casey,’ Myles enlightened them.

  ‘I was,’ Casey agreed. ‘But whose fault was that?’

  ‘I didn’t know the love heart was going to interrupt your toast,’ Sasha defended herself. ‘Besides, you could have still smiled at each other.’

  Alex shook his head. ‘You’re all nuts. Casey, you can’t be taking this seriously? So we didn’t look at each other, but that hardly means we’re cursed!’

  ‘But…’ Casey felt herself turning pale. ‘Remember I asked whether you felt the earth quake? That was right at that moment.’

  ‘Classic presentation,’ Liza squealed. ‘Growling earth noises always accompany a curse being activated!’

  Irrational tears pricked at Casey’s eyes. If Liza and Sasha were right, she and Alex were doomed to seven years of misery.

  Alex’s voice pierced her consciousness. He sounded a little angry. ‘Liza, shut up. This is ridiculous and upsetting.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Liza offered meekly. She held up her hands apologetically. ‘I thought you’d be excited to find the cause of—’ She caught the look on Alex’s face and didn’t finish her sentence.