7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  ‘Indeed it is,’ Casey agreed. ‘And it’s good to discover that we’ll get a nice little rebate. We should celebrate.’

  ‘Totally. But what do I do with these?’ Alex waved the pack of pills at her. He had brought it down from the bedroom earlier to read through the instruction leaflet line by line and hadn’t found any answers to their questions—like why one could have heightened performance with totally no desire.

  ‘Bin them. You don’t need them.’

  ‘I don’t?’

  ‘Most definitely not. I think we can safely conclude that the drugs don’t work.’

  ‘They just made me worse,’ Alex hummed.

  Casey hugged him hard. ‘And that’s the bittersweet symphony of life.’

  Alex screwed up his face. ‘That’s certainly our life at the moment.’

  ‘It’s only a dark cloak,’ Casey reminded him. ‘But with light and calm oceans to come, remember?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Alex smiled. ‘Hey ho. So long, suckers!’

  He opened the bin and disposed of the packet with panache.

  ‘Way to go,’ Casey cheered. ‘What’s next?’

  ‘Dinner. Let’s spend that rebate! And screw sex.’

  Chapter Nine:

  A Beautiful Stranger

  ~Alex~

  Their bravado ran out two weeks later. Alex had noticed that Casey’s optimism seemed to be waning for a few days, but he hadn’t commented. He simply knew better than to provoke an explosion. Besides, he was certain that whatever storm was brewing would eventually hit full force, whether he prompted it or not.

  And he was oh-so-right.

  ‘Alex, what the heck are we going to do? “Displeasure ever after” isn’t part of my life plan.’

  Casey hurled this conversational grenade at him over Sunday breakfast without prior warning. The storm had broken.

  Alex sipped at his tea cautiously, trying to buy himself time.

  ‘I don’t know, love. I don’t know,’ he offered at length.

  ‘Love. Now there’s a thought. We do still love each other, right?’

  ‘Of course we do. I’m upset you should even ask that.’ Alex tried hard to keep his voice even.

  Casey threw her hands in the air, dispersing croissant crumbs all over the kitchen floor. This wasn’t like her. She was seriously unsettled. Alex took note but didn’t know how to respond.

  ‘If we still love each other, then what’s the fucking problem with us?’

  ‘No pun intended,’ Alex interjected drily before he could stop himself, then wished he could bite his tongue off. At least he managed to fluster Casey momentarily.

  ‘What pun?—Oh, I get it. Very good.’

  ‘You said it.’

  ‘I know, I know. Call it a Freudian slip.’ Casey sprayed some more croissant crumbs. ‘But joking apart, what are we going to do? I mean—’ her hands went up again, and Alex feared for the integrity of what was left of her breakfast. ‘We’ve tried everything. Everything. We’ve been living in denial. And yeah, yeah, I’m holding on to the light and all that but... But what if we don’t make it to the light? What if this all gets too much to bear? I mean—Dammit, I’m bloody frustrated!’

  Alex knew he was going to be walking a minefield. His next response would be crucial. If only he could hit on the right words, the right thing to say. But what was there to say? Casey was right, and he felt the same way. All their assurances of marrying for love and music, that was all very well. But at the end of the day, everybody had needs, and theirs were most categorically not being met. He was frustrated too.

  ‘Okay,’ he said in his best soothing voice. ‘Let’s take a moment to think this through.’

  Casey opened her mouth as if to protest, but he held up a hand to appease her. ‘I’m not thinking solutions yet. I’m thinking, maybe we’ve gone about this the wrong way. We’ve been trying to fix it, but we haven’t tried to work out what’s at the root cause of it all.’

  Casey gulped hard and made a snorting noise. She rubbed her nose wearily. ‘Do we really want to open that particular can of worms?’

  ‘Maybe we have to. Bear with me.’ Alex scrunched up his forehead dramatically and tried to organise his thoughts.

  ‘So let’s look at the root causes here. Why can’t we have sex?’

  ‘Because we’re cursed?’ Casey supplied helpfully.

  ‘Well, yeah, that could be root case one. But do we really believe that?’

  A long silence followed that question. Alex willed Casey to say, ‘no, no, no.’ He was about to despair when she finally replied.

  ‘I don’t think so, no.’

  Alex let out a huge sigh of relief. ‘Thank you. Phew! So, what’s next?’

  ‘Because we don’t love each other anymore?’

  ‘Not true,’ Alex immediately countered. ‘Unless there’s something you want to say to me?’

  ‘No! Of course not. I can’t—I can’t imagine living without you.’

  That wasn’t quite the definition of love that Alex had had in mind, but he took the sentiment at face value. He really didn’t want to go down that route right now.

  ‘So what then? We don’t turn each other on?’

  Casey waggled her head. ‘We do though.’

  ‘We do. I agree. But somehow…’

  ‘Yeah. Somehow.’ Casey lapsed into silence. She finished up her croissant, still oblivious to the crumby devastation she was causing. Alex sipped at his tea.

  Suddenly, Casey sat up a little straighter. Her bottom lip quivered, and her voice shook while she spoke. ‘Do you think it’s just us?’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Do you think—do you think it’s us? As in, do you think if we tried having sex with someone else, we’d run into the same problem?’

  ‘I—’ Alex was dumbstruck. He felt like Casey had pulled the rug out from under him. Where was she going with this? ‘I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’d want to know.’

  Casey leaned forward eagerly. ‘But don’t you see? There’s an answer in there. Suppose we tried—doing it—with someone else, and it works. Then we’d know it’s us.’

  Alex was vaguely aware that he was opening and closing his mouth like a stranded fish. He couldn’t even begin to figure out how to reply to this statement. Tentatively, he tried.

  ‘So what? You’re proposing we go and sleep with someone else? And supposing it works, what do we do with that knowledge?’

  Casey slumped. ‘It sounds awful when you put it like that. And I’ve no idea what we’d do with the knowledge.’

  Silence grabbed hold of them once more while they each followed their own thoughts. Eventually, Casey spoke again.

  ‘Suppose it were a curse. If—if we tried out someone else, we might be able to ascertain whether the curse applies to us as a couple, or to us individually with anybody.’

  Alex chewed his lower lip. ‘I see what you’re saying, but I don’t understand how that would help us.’

  ‘It would be an answer. Then we can work out next steps.’

  ‘And what would they be?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ Casey wailed. ‘I can’t think that far. I simply—I want to know.’

  Alex rolled his shoulders. ‘If it worked, at least it would be a release of sorts.’

  ‘Yeah! See? So that wouldn’t be a bad thing.’

  ‘On the other hand…’

  ‘On the other hand what?’ Casey nudged Alex impatiently. ‘What?’

  ‘You remember “Indecent Proposal”, right?’

  ‘The movie?’ Casey acknowledged. ‘Yeah, and?’

  ‘“Yeah, and”?’ Alex echoed her. ‘Do you recall what happened to the couple?’

  ‘That’s different. They were doing it for money. We’d be doing it for…’ Casey petered out.

  ‘For what?’

  ‘I was going to say, “for love”, but that sounds wrong. I’m sorry. Stupid idea. Forget I ever said it.’

  Alex poured himself another cup of
tea. ‘I don’t know. There might something in it, as crazy as it sounds.’

  Casey shot him a suspicious look. ‘Don’t play devil’s advocate to humour me.’

  ‘I’m not. But while it’s an extreme measure, you might be on to something.’ Alex placed his hands on the table and spread his fingers wide. ‘Look, we’re at a complete stalemate. We’ve no idea where to go from here. Maybe—maybe a radical course of action will be a catalyst for something else.’

  ‘Maybe. But you’re right too, you know. What if we don’t like the outcome?’

  ‘We’ll have to deal with it.’

  Casey sighed heavily. ‘Agreed. See, we’re totally made for each other. Nobody else would consent to my crackpot proposal. Nobody else would come even close to understanding it, but you do.’

  Alex summoned a shaky smile. ‘If we’re made for each other, we’ll deal with the fallout from your plan. We simply have to believe in each other.’

  ‘So you want to do it?’

  ‘Let’s do it,’ Alex pronounced. ‘Let’s see what happens.’

  ~Casey~

  The train pulled out of Victoria station, and Casey had butterflies in her stomach. Even though it had been her suggestion originally, she couldn’t quite believe that she and Alex were headed for a dirty weekend in Brighton with separate, as-yet-unknown partners.

  I’m going to have sex with a stranger to save my marriage, she pondered. Really, life doesn’t get any ‘stranger’ than that.

  She rummaged in her handbag for a chewing gum. If she didn’t get to chew on something, she would suffer verbal diarrhoea; all her doubts would come pouring out, she would drive Alex mad, and they would either argue or go home, or both.

  Alex was sitting opposite her, facing backwards to the direction of travel, and he was staring out the window. He had been uncharacteristically silent all morning, and that wasn’t like him. He wasn’t the broody type. Evidently, he also wasn’t the philandering type, and Casey felt oddly cheered by that. She had always known that, of course, but here there was real living proof right in front of her.

  ‘It’s not too late to back out,’ she offered softly.

  Alex turned his head and fixed her with an intent look. ‘I know,’ he replied, equally softly. ‘I’ve been thinking about that. But I think we ought to go through with it.’

  ‘Just to see what happens,’ Casey finished his thought for him.

  ‘Exactly.’ Alex shrugged almost imperceptibly.

  ‘Do we—do we really have to go all the way?’

  More shrugging on Alex’s part. ‘I suppose that’s rather the point, isn’t it? We’ve gone nearly all the way with each other plenty of times. The proof is in the pudding, as it were.’

  ‘Yikes.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘If we… as we haven’t actually, technically, really got over the finish line since we got married, will this… Would this actually qualify as cheating?’ Casey pondered. ‘I mean, obviously it’s cheating because we’ll have different partners.’ She paused and felt her cheeks burn. No doubt she was an attractive shade of puce. ‘But will it be extra-marital? What I’m trying to say is, are we marriage breakers if we’re not fully married yet?’

  Alex sighed. ‘No idea. I’m all muddled. I’m not really sure that it matters either way. I hate the thought of going behind your back.’

  ‘Hardly behind my back. We’ve agreed to do this.’

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘Hey,’ Casey tried to lighten the mood. ‘We could just put it down as a swinging weekend. People used to do that all the time without marriages breaking up, didn’t they? You know the whole car-keys–in–potpourri–bowl thing?’

  ‘Err, yes.’ Alex shot her an amused glance. ‘Your mind truly works in mysterious ways.’

  Casey laughed quietly and felt some of the tension ease out of her. ‘We’re consenting adults after all. Who knows? Maybe this’ll be fun.’

  ‘But remember: I love you,’ Alex said earnestly. ‘Whatever happens. I love you. And it’s breaking my heart that we’re so unhappy.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  ‘But please be careful. There are some really creepy people out there, and I don’t want you to—to get hurt.’

  Casey was overcome by emotion. It was all too easy to forget how much her man cared for her. She swallowed and smiled brightly. ‘Aw, of course I’ll be careful. And you too!’

  After that, they lapsed into silence again while the train hurtled them towards Brighton. There wasn’t really much else to say.

  ‘Right, so here we are,’ Casey observed with excessive enthusiasm when they arrived at the seaside resort. It was three o’clock in the afternoon, and the sun was shining brightly. In fact, it was a glorious day, and despite their somewhat sinister purpose, Casey’s spirits lifted. She loved the seaside. She always felt that nothing could go truly wrong by the seaside. The eternal pounding of waves on the shore put everything in perspective; in reality, what did their little sexual predicament matter? And in the grand scheme of things, what would it matter to the universe if Casey and Alex bonded with different partners that day? They were only blips on the eternal timeline of life. Who cared?

  She took a deep breath and savoured the briny air in her lungs. Without thinking, she took Alex’s hand as they headed towards the seafront. It wasn’t too far, so they walked. They deliberately hadn’t pre-booked a hotel. Their plan was to find a place to stay, book two rooms, and split up for the evening. By unspoken agreement, they felt that starting their mission together in that way would give their weekend a little more legitimacy, like a proper mini-break.

  ‘That one looks nice.’ Casey pointed at a beautifully fronted, old-fashioned hotel right on the seafront. ‘Shall we try it?’

  ‘Fine by me,’ Alex agreed.

  They entered the lobby and took in the slightly faded but nonetheless sumptuous surroundings.

  ‘If we’re going to go down, at least we’re going down in style,’ Alex joked. Casey elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

  ‘Don’t say that,’ she pleaded. ‘I’m already having second and third thoughts.’

  Alex raised his eyebrows at her. Casey nodded even though he hadn’t actually asked the question. ‘Yes, let’s do this. Come on.’

  The receptionist wasn’t the slightest bit perturbed by their request for two rooms on two separate floors.

  ‘She’s probably heard and seen it all,’ Alex whispered to Casey.

  ‘Shh,’ Casey admonished. ‘She can hear you, you know.’

  The receptionist gave them a dazzling smile, completely ignoring their furtive exchange, and slid two key cards across the highly polished counter.

  ‘Mrs Morgan, you’re on the third floor in the Blue Room. Mr Morgan, you’re on the fifth floor in the Lofty Suite.’

  ‘Oh, now, I like the sound of that,’ Alex quipped. ‘Lofty Suite. I bet you’re missing out, my darling.’

  ‘We’ll see about that in the morning,’ Casey retorted. At this conversation, even the receptionist looked intrigued, but she lowered her eyes and busied herself with her computer.

  ‘Dinner is available in the restaurant from six,’ she informed them casually. ‘Breakfast is from eight to eleven.’

  ‘Thanks so much,’ Casey gushed. ‘We’re looking forward to our stay.’

  With that, she turned and pulled Alex towards the bank of lifts.

  ‘I can practically feel her eyes burning a hole in my back,’ she whispered while they waited. ‘I bet her rumour mill is going at breakneck speed.’

  ‘Who cares?’ Alex brushed away her worries. ‘We’re here now. We’re committed. Let’s do this.’

  The lift arrived, and they stepped in.

  ‘This is it,’ Alex mumbled. He wrapped Casey in a tender embrace. ‘You go and have fun, girl.’

  ‘You too.’ Casey smiled bravely. Her heart was hammering so hard in her throat that she thought she might surely choke on the vibrations. ‘I’ll—I’ll see you
in the morning.’

  The lift doors opened onto Casey’s floor. Casey breathed a kiss on Alex’s mouth and more or less fell out of the door in her great haste to get away before she changed her mind.

  ‘Atta girl,’ she heard Alex shout after her just as the doors closed. For a moment, she stared at her reflection in the gilded mirror on the wall opposite to the lift. She looked pale, she noted, but her cheeks were flaming. Her hands were trembling, and her vision blurred momentarily. Was she really going to do this?

  ~Alex~

  The mirror showed him a different Alex. A dressed-to-pull Alex that he hadn’t seen in years. It wasn’t a surprise, really, considering that he had put on his erstwhile best pulling outfit. Tight-fitting blue jeans slung low on the hips; a white silky shirt unbuttoned just so, showing off the edges of a tattoo on his chest; and his favourite leather jacket, although that was for show only. It was the middle of August, after all, and too hot to wear a leather jacket. Still, chicks seemed to dig that kind of thing.

  Alex stared at himself. He was sick with nerves and doubt. He had put on a brave face for Casey, but he wasn’t at all sure they were doing the right thing. Yet a tiny part of him—and a vital part of his anatomy—was excited.

  ‘I must be mad,’ Alex spoke to himself. ‘I’ll have to put this down as research or something. Research for a song. There must be a story in here somewhere.’

  He grinned, then sighed. It was nearly eight o’clock. Time to go and hit the town.

  After a furtive exit from the hotel—it wouldn’t do to bump into Casey on the way out!—he ambled aimlessly back towards the town centre. He avoided the many restaurants filled with happy couples and big parties of friends, even though his stomach gave an impressive rumble. He had completely neglected to eat. Perhaps he had better stop somewhere for a quick bite. That fish ‘n’ chip shop on the corner would do nicely. You had to have fish and chips in Brighton, right?

  Having ordered a helping of cod and chips—hold the mushy peas—Alex installed himself on a bar stool by the window. Then he noticed a hip-looking bar right across the road. Groups of women seemed to flock to the place, and he decided this would be the perfect fishing ground for him.