by Joan Jonker
‘Oh, I don’t mean them, Mam, ’cos I always think of the McDonoughs the Bennetts and the Corkhills as one big family. They have been all my life, and always will be.’
George banged on the table with the handle of his knife. ‘Can you two break it up, please, and eat yer dinners, which must be stiff by now. It’s yer own fault if they are, and I’m going to put me foot down and say yer’ll eat them even if they choke yer. I can’t stand to see food wasted, so get them down yer.’
‘Ooh, er.’ Nellie pulled a comical face as she walked towards the kitchen. ‘The master has spoken, and he must be obeyed.’
She came back with a plate between her hands. ‘It’s still warm and eatable.’ She put the plate down and pulled out a chair. ‘I’ve got two things to say before I start on me dinner, though, ’cos if I leave it till after, I’ll have forgotten.’ Her finger came into play again when she pointed it at Paul. ‘I hope yer don’t think yer won that fight, son, ’cos if the bell hadn’t rung, I’d have knocked spots off yer.’ She gave a sharp nod of her head, and her chins followed her example to show they were in agreement with her. Then she looked across the table at her husband. ‘I like it when yer go all domineering on me. It reminds me of what Mae West said in that picture me and Molly went to see.’ She pushed her chair back. ‘I’ll have to stand up, ’cos it won’t come over the same if I’m sitting down.’
Once again the dinners were forgotten, and this time George didn’t worry about a few sausages going in the bin, for Nellie impersonating Mae West was well worth starving for a few hours. Nellie was about a foot shorter than the famous film star, so although they probably weighed the same, the distribution of flesh was somewhat different. Anyway, Nellie took a few seconds to get her left hip out as far as she could, then put a hand on it. The other hand went to the right side of her head, as though she was patting her hair. And then, swaying her hips in what she thought was a seductive movement, she curled her lips and said, ‘It’s not the men in my life, darlin’, it’s the life in my men.’
As the words left her lips, there came a rat-tat on the front door knocker. She looked down at herself, then at the plates on the table. ‘Who the hell can this be? Just look at the state of the place.’ She jerked her thumb at Paul. ‘You go to the door, son, and tell whoever it is that there’s no one at home.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Nellie!’ George said. ‘How can he say there’s no one in, when he’s opened the door, and the light’s on! It would be best if you went; ye’re better at making up lies than me or Paul. If yer don’t want anyone in, then you be the one to tell them.’
The letterbox rattled then, and a female voice called, ‘I know ye’re in, Mam, so open the flipping door.’
‘Oh, it’s only our Lily,’ Nellie said, relief in her voice. ‘Open the door, Paul, you’re the nearest.’
As she went to sit down George said, ‘Aren’t yer going to clear the table? It doesn’t look good for visitors to walk in and the first things they see are dirty plates.’
‘It’s only our Lily, she won’t mind. She’s seen the place looking ten times worse than this before today.’
‘That’s no excuse, Nellie. Yer could at least take the plates out.’ George moved away from the table and sat in his fireside chair. ‘I bet Molly would be ashamed if she was in your shoes now.’
Nellie stuck her tongue out. ‘Well she’s not here, is she, misery guts? I don’t see you getting off yer backside to take the plates out. Talk about moan-a-bit isn’t in it.’
‘Who’s moan-a-bit?’ Lily asked as she entered the room, followed by her husband Archie. ‘Our Paul just told us yer’ve been having a good laugh, but you look as miserable as sin.’ She noticed the dinner plates on the table and said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Mam, have we come when ye’re in the middle of yer dinner?’Then she bent closer. ‘Mind you, it doesn’t look very appetizing.’
That remark got Nellie’s dander up. ‘It was more than appetizing when it was put on the table, girl. Even I couldn’t make a mess of sausage and mash.’
‘I’ll second that, Mrs Mac,’ said Archie, who thought the world of his mother-in-law. ‘Yer knock spots off the cook we had in the army. He used to say that if sausage weren’t black, then they weren’t cooked proper.’
George took his wife’s side, too. ‘There was nothing wrong with the dinner; the sausages were fried just as I like them. I was enjoying it until Paul and my dear wife decided to have a boxing match. Fortunately she only lasted the one round and was disqualified.’
Paul was leaning back against the sideboard, his brown eyes shining with laughter, and his dimples deep in his handsome face. ‘Yeah, I was saved by the bell. Me mam said I was lucky she didn’t hear it, because if it went to the second round she would have made mincemeat of me.’
‘But that doesn’t explain why yer haven’t eaten yer dinner,’ Lily said. ‘I don’t know much about boxing, but I always thought a round only lasted three minutes.’ She took after her mother for being quick-witted and having a good sense of fun. ‘Anyway, Mam, how come yer didn’t knock our Paul out in the first minute?’
The quivers in Nellie’s tummy and mountainous bosom were the first signs of the laughter to come. ‘I won’t tell yer, girl, ’cos yer wouldn’t see the funny side. But if you and Archie sit on the couch out of the way, me and Paul will show yer. Are yer game for a bout, son?’
Paul moved away from the sideboard, saying, ‘Mam, I’ll have a bout with you any time.’And a minute later, the room was filled with laughter. Nellie put her heart and soul into the role. With her feet apart, head bent, fierce expression on her chubby face and fists clenched, she played the part well. Meanwhile, all Paul had to do was keep his hand on her head, and make sure he kept a safe distance.
Nellie, for all her eighteen stone, didn’t run out of steam, and in the end it was George who brought it to a close. ‘Yer missed the bell again, Nellie, and that means yer’ve been barred from the stadium.’
‘They can’t do that,’ Nellie said, her face doing the most amazing contortions. ‘They can’t, can they, Archie?’
Archie wiped the smile off his face before answering. ‘I’m afraid they can, Mrs Mac. One bell a warning, two bells out.’
‘Damn and blast!’ Nellie stamped a foot and woke the floorboards up. ‘And I’ve been saving to buy meself a new pair of boxing gloves. Just in case I ever come across Elsie Flanaghan in the street, like.’
‘Nellie, are yer going to take those plates out?’ George asked. ‘I’m sure Lily and Archie don’t want to be staring at cold sausages and mashed potato.’
‘I’ll give yer a hand, Mam.’ Lily took her coat off and gave it to Archie to hold. ‘We’re not pushed for time, we’re only going to last house at the Astoria.’ She picked up a plate and was reaching for another when she noticed the meal on it hadn’t been disturbed. ‘Mam, haven’t yer had anything to eat? This plate hasn’t even been touched.’
‘Ah, well, I can tell yer why that plate wasn’t touched,’ Paul said with a chuckle. ‘Me mam wasn’t herself, yer see. She was Mae West. It’s the way she thinks, yer see. She decided to change her profession. If she couldn’t be a boxer, she’d be a film star.’
‘Look, I enjoy a laugh as much as the next person,’ Lily said, ‘and goodness knows there’s always been laughter in this house. But it isn’t more important than starving me dad and Paul, when they’ve put in a day’s work.’
‘Don’t be getting yer knickers in a twist, girl,’ Nellie said. ‘I’ll warm those dinners up, and they’ll be as good as new. We won’t starve.’
‘Mam, these dinners won’t be very appetizing warmed up, they’ll only be fit for the bin.’
Archie came to the rescue. ‘I’ve got a solution that will please yer. Bin those dinners, and I’ll nip down to the chippy. It won’t take me long, and it’ll solve the problem of hunger. How about fish, scallops and peas? Does that sound good?’
Nellie rolled her eyes as she rubbed a finger in the dimple on he
r elbow. ‘Sounds bloody marvellous to me, lad. Just what the doctor ordered.’
Lily looked at her husband as though he’d gone mad. ‘Have yer forgotten we’re going to the pictures? Yer’ll never make it back from the chippy in time.’
‘I’m a good runner, pet; I’ll be back before yer’ve had a chance to miss me. Besides, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we gave the flicks a miss. We could always go another night.’
Nellie’s head and chins were on Archie’s side. They could almost smell that wonderful aroma that comes from a chip shop. But Nellie’s hopes were to be dashed. And her chins, of course.
Lily was standing with the plate still in her hand. ‘You’re not soft, are yer? Yer didn’t want to go, ’cos yer don’t like romantic films. You’d rather have a cowboy film, or a murder mystery, with people getting shot and blood everywhere. Going to the chippy is a good excuse to get out of it.’
The sight and smell of the chippy was getting fainter, and Nellie’s spirits were sinking. ‘There’s no need to take off on Archie, girl, he’s only trying to do us a favour.’ She decided to pile the agony on, and make it a real sob story. ‘I think it’s very good of him, wanting to stop us from starving.’
From his fireside chair, George listened to the exchanges, his head moving from one to the other. Paul leaned back against the sideboard, his head in time with his dad’s. And in both their minds, they were thinking alike. They reckoned it was ten to one on Nellie winning.
‘Put the plate down, girl, and you and Archie go on yer way.’ Nellie thought she was on safe ground, because she knew her daughter wouldn’t enjoy the film if she did go. ‘I’ll fry up the sausage and mash, it won’t take me long, and it won’t kill us. So you and Archie poppy off and enjoy yerselves.’
That did it, of course. George and Paul knew Nellie’s words had clinched it, as did her chins, which were wanting her to nod her head so they could celebrate with a quickstep.
Archie had a mind and humour that matched his mother-in-law’s, and he was laughing inside. She was a smasher was Mrs Mac, the funniest woman on two legs. He’d hopped in lucky when he married the girl he adored, and found out her mother was full of fun, always ready with a joke. There was never a dull moment when you were in her company.
Lily wasn’t behind the door when it came to giving out humour, and she knew her mother inside out. And she loved every inch of her. ‘Okay, Mam, yer can drop the sob story. But I still think it’s criminal to throw good food in the bin. In future, eat yer dinner first, then have yer boxing match, and leave Mae West until suppertime.’
Archie got to his feet, a tall, dark, handsome man, who would stand out in any room. He ran two fingers down the crease in his trousers, then said, ‘If we’re not going to the flicks, we may as well have a game of cards. How about it, Mr Mac? Are yer in the mood for a few hands?’
George nodded. ‘Suits me, Archie.’
‘I’m seeing Phoebe,’ Paul told them, ‘and she can’t play cards. Well, she can play, but she’s not very keen. So you can count me out.’
‘Yer need some food in yer,’ Lily told him, ‘so yer can stay in long enough to eat it.’
‘I’ll get going then,’ Archie said. ‘And I’ll get meself a bag of chips while I’m there.’ He grinned at his wife. ‘I know I’ve not long had a good dinner, love, but I can’t resist chips from a chippy.’
‘Ye’re like a big soft kid, Archie Higgins, with eyes bigger than yer belly.’ Lily grinned. ‘But seeing as ye’re going to a chippy, yer can get me a few scallops. If the batter looks a nice golden colour, I’ll have four.’
As Archie headed for the door, George followed him. ‘Here’s a ten bob note, lad. Yer can’t be expected to pay for the lot.’
Archie waved it aside with a smile. ‘Mr Mac, yer got me out of going to see a picture I didn’t want to see, and there’s nothing I like better than chips from a chip shop. They’re not the same when they’re made at home. So keep yer money in yer pocket and try not to let me win it off yer when we’re playing cards.’
‘Makes no difference where the money goes, lad, as long as I’ve got enough for me ciggies and the odd pint. If you won’t take it for the chips, I’ll either lose it at cards or Nellie will talk me out of it. She’s good at talking, is my wife, and it’s much easier to give in to her at the beginning than end up with a splitting headache.’
Archie stepped down on to the pavement and turned round to ask, ‘Would you part with her for all the money in the world, or swap her for another woman?’
‘Not on your life, lad. I know what side my bread is buttered. Nellie is everything I would want in a woman.’
‘And her daughter is everything I ever dreamed of for my wife. So you and me have got it made, Mr Mac. Two very happy, and lucky, men.’ Archie waved a hand and began to walk down the street, then came to an abrupt halt to add, ‘I’m not frightened of her, but if I’m not back from the chippy pretty sharpish, she’ll batter me.’
George chuckled as he closed the door. His daughter had picked a good one when she married Archie. And his eldest son, Steve, had a wonderful wife in Jill. There was only Paul left now, and heaven only knew when he was going to get married. He’d been courting Phoebe Corkhill for a few years now, and it was about time he made an honest woman of her.
When Molly answered the knocker the next morning, she smiled down at Nellie and opened the door wide. ‘Good morning, sunshine. I hope you are feeling good this fine morning?’
Nellie brushed past and made straight for the living room and her carver chair. She was sitting with her two chubby arms folded and resting on the table when Molly came in.
‘Nellie,’ Molly said, ‘it’s manners to answer when someone passes the time of day with yer. And it is also manners to wait until ye’re invited, then walk in in a ladylike manner. Yer don’t push past without a by your leave.’
As though Nellie hadn’t heard a word Molly said, she pointed to one of the wooden dining chairs. ‘Sit down, girl, while I tell yer what a marvellous time we had last night. Yer missed a treat. It was great, and I bet yer could kick yerself for not being there.’
Molly pulled a chair out and sat down. ‘Yer’ve lost me, sunshine. I don’t know what ye’re talking about. Why would I want to kick meself over something I know absolutely sweet Fanny Adams about?’
‘It’s a wonder yer didn’t hear us, girl.’ Nellie was getting het up because her mate’s attitude was taking some of the shine off what she had to say. ‘It wasn’t a proper party, like, ’cos it only happened because I was acting daft with our Paul, and we let the dinners go so cold they weren’t fit to eat. Our Lily went off the deep end at first, but Archie, God bless him, calmed her down, and the fish and chips were better than sausage any day.’
Molly’s face was a picture no artist could paint. She couldn’t make head or tail of what her mate was talking about. ‘Nellie, will yer calm down, sunshine? I haven’t understood one word yer’ve said. So start at the beginning and tell me what happened when yer put the dinner plates on the table. That seems a good place to start.’
‘Yer don’t want me to go through the whole lot again, do yer? Not before yer make me a cup of tea, anyway, ’cos me mouth is dry as it is. I can’t talk no more until I’ve had a drink to quench me thirst. And it’s yer own fault, girl, for not listening proper to what I was saying.’
‘Nellie, I am not moving from this chair until I know how your Lily and Archie come into it. Then I’ll make us our usual cup of tea and two biscuits, and your thirst will be quenched so yer can tell me the rest of the story.’
The look of disgust on Nellie’s face had Molly laughing inside. One thing her mate wasn’t blessed with was patience. ‘Go on, sunshine. The sooner yer start, the sooner yer get the usual tea and biscuits.’
Her eyes narrowed to slits, to show she wasn’t at all pleased with the arrangement, Nellie began her tale. And halfway through her showing Molly how she was shadow-boxing with Paul, the two mates were laughing
their heads off. Words weren’t needed when Nellie was in action, her body language spoke for itself. She was wiping the sweat and tears from her eyes when she told her mate, ‘So that’s how the dinners came to be ruined, girl. And now can I have a cup of tea, ’cos I think I deserve it. And yer’ll get a laugh when I tell yer how our Lily and Archie got involved.’
Molly slid her chair back and with hands on the table she pushed herself up. ‘And will I still kick meself for not being there, even though I wasn’t invited?’
‘Oh, I didn’t have no time to invite yer, girl, ’cos everything happened so quick. One minute we were going to have sausage and mash for our dinner, then me and our Paul wasted a bit of time by larking around. The next thing I know, we’re all sitting down to fish, chips and scallops! It all happened so fast I almost missed it. If it hadn’t been for a bit of fish sticking in me tooth, I’d have thought it was all a dream. Mind you, I’d soon have known it wasn’t a dream when my George raised the roof when he won the kitty. He said it was the first time he’d won anything in his life, except the odd argument now and again with his mates in work. Half a crown he won, but he didn’t keep it; he shoved it across to Archie to put to the money he’d forked out in the chippy.’
Molly couldn’t take it all in. ‘Nellie, I’m completely lost now, sunshine, so I’ll go and put the kettle on. And while I’m waiting for it to boil, I’ll try and get me head together.’
While Molly was in the kitchen, Nellie sat swinging her legs under the chair and running her fingers over the chenille cloth. She couldn’t make out why her mate didn’t understand what she was telling her. After all, she was talking in English, not some foreign language. Perhaps Molly was getting a bit deaf, and couldn’t hear proper. But she shouldn’t be going deaf, not at her age.
‘Here yer are, sunshine, tea and biscuits.’ Molly put the wooden tray on the table. ‘Yer couldn’t get better service if yer went to one of the posh hotels in Liverpool centre. And just think what it would cost yer there, to getting it off me for nothing.’
