Professor Feelgood

by Leisa Rayven

  I put my arms around his neck and hug him. “I think you can do anything you set your mind to, so I’ll keep my distance, if that’s what you want.”

  He pulls back to look at me. “What I want is to spend every waking second with you, but right now, this is what I need. Along with this …” He kisses me deeply, like he wants the memory of this moment to last as long as possible. When the heat we’re generating becomes too much for a public hallway, he pulls back, breathless. “I’ll call you next week when it’s all over.”

  We walk back around to the bank of elevators. When the doors open, he steps inside and turns to me. “It’s only a week, right? We can do this.”

  I nod and smile, trying to seem more confident than I feel. “Right. It’ll be over before we know it. Good luck. May the words flow free and fast.”

  He smiles as the doors close. “Don’t need luck. Just need you.”

  TWENTY-FIVE

  ____________________

  The Story of Us

  A WEEK WITHOUT JAKE IS harder than it sounds. I’d gotten so used to seeing him, kissing him, and making love to him, that after just two days, I’m irritable. After four, I’m downright twitchy. By day five, I’ve started day-drinking.

  “Ash, ready to go? Nan’s expecting us at six.”

  “Almost. Just let me finish this chapter.” I’m into my second round of edits on the monster manuscript Serena gave me. I think she was impressed I’ve gotten through it as quickly as I have, especially considering the first-time author has only a passing acquaintance with spelling and grammar. The entire manuscript may look like a bunch of red pen strokes, but at least I’ve clawed back a little of Serena’s respect.

  I finish the final line and drop the manuscript on the bed. “Okay. Let me just grab my stuff, and we can head out.”

  Eden hovers in my doorway holding a tote bag containing champagne and a gift box. “I can’t believe I finally get to give you a birthday present tonight. And that you’ve agreed to a party.”

  “Not a party,” I say, pulling on my shoes. “It’s just dinner. One step at a time, okay?”

  Ever since my mom died on my ninth birthday, I’ve refused to celebrate. It always seemed disrespectful to me to have people giving me presents and cake, as if they were glorifying her death rather than celebrating my birth. But with all the progress I’ve made in the past couple of months addressing how issues from my past contributed to bad decisions, I figured this is just one more thing I need to work through.

  “You know Nan had her heart set on a surprise party, right?” Eden says. “She wanted to deck the whole roof garden out with lights and a jukebox, and invite all our friends. She was crushed when you knocked it back to just dinner in her kitchen with the three of us and Moby.”

  “And Joanna,” I say, grabbing my coat from the closet. “She had something to go to first but said she’d come after.”

  I pull on my coat and turn around to see Eden staring with a sympathetic expression. “So, Jake’s definitely not coming? I would have thought he was on the top of your to-do list for your birthday.”

  I walk over to her. “He’s still in lockdown.”

  “You didn’t want to at least tell him about it?”

  “I promised I wouldn’t contact him, Edie. He’s working his ass off to salvage something good from this whole book debacle, and I don’t want to distract him.”

  “Do you think he’s going to succeed?”

  “I think he’s going to try.”

  We walk toward the front door. “I don’t know as much about writing books as you do, but Jake’s a passionate guy, especially when it comes to you. If he said he’s going to break into heaven and rearrange the stars to spell out your name, I wouldn’t underestimate him.”

  I know she’s right, but it doesn’t stop the low-level anxiety I’ve had all week. Right now, all of us at Whiplash are living with a giant blade hanging over us, and Jake is the only one who can stop it from falling.

  As we head out of the apartment and down to the street, Eden links her arm in mine.

  “Have you gotten around to telling Nan about everything that’s been going on yet?”

  “No,” I say. “And I feel terrible about it. Every time we’ve spoken over the past few weeks, I was reassuring her about Moby’s health. I haven’t told her anything about the drama that’s been going on at work since I told her I got the promotion.”

  “So she doesn’t even know Jake’s your author? Or that you’re dating?” When I shake my head, she lets out a low whistle. “Whooo, boy. I’m glad I’m bringing alcohol. Tonight is going to be a bumpy ride.”

  I feel bad about keeping Nan out of the loop, but it’s not like I’ve had a lot of free time. And honestly, the whole Jake thing has had my head spinning from day one. If Nan knew the surly kid from next door was my author, she would have bombarded me with a whole bunch of questions about how I felt about working with him, and I wouldn’t have had an appropriate answer.

  I know that I have to tell her Jake and I are involved tonight. I just don’t know how she’s going to take it. He was like family. It could get weird.

  Eden and I head down the subway stairs, the location of my infamous back-breaking fall, and jump on the train to Nan’s. We grab some seats near the door and both check our phones. From the sappy look on her face, I know she’s texting with Max. I can’t do that with my man, so I do the next best thing: I check the Professor Feelgood Instagram feed.

  While we were working on the book, Jake stopped posting every day, but since we’ve been apart, he’s started again. Of course, now that I know all of his previous poems were about me, I’ve reread them with new eyes.

  His latest poems are a little different in tone, and it’s like he’s telling me how he feels without actually talking to me.

  Tonight, I smile when I see the picture he’s posted. It’s the two of us when we were five. I’m grinning into the camera, and Jake’s hugging me from behind and gazing at my face with pure affection. I remember the day Mom took this. She printed out two copies, one for me and one for Jake, but I haven’t seen mine in years.

  Beneath it is the caption:

  I should have run my jagged reasoning through a can opener

  and pulled back the tinny facade.

  Then you could have seen the messy truth -

  That I’m still the boy who thought you were the stars and moon,

  the teen who burned for you like a vengeful sun,

  the man who circles you like a lovesick moon,

  the lover who’ll worship you ’til the end of time.

  I can’t take back the mistakes I’ve made,

  But I can make this solemn vow:

  Peel back my skin and muscles and bone,

  and you’ll find a lovingly rendered portrait of you

  painted on my soul.

  I don’t know if it’s the words, or the picture, or that I miss him so damn much it’s like I can’t breathe right, but I blink back tears as I finish reading.

  Eden puts her arm around me and leans her head against mine. “You okay? I know you miss him.”

  I nod and swipe my cheek. “It’s ridiculous. It’s only been five days.”

  She squeezes me. “I’ve been there, and I know that a few days can feel like forever.” When I glance over at her, I’m surprised to find her eyes are also wet.”

  “God, Edie. I’m sorry. I know that seeing me cry sets you off.”

  “It does, but that’s not what’s going on here.” Her lips tremble. “I’m just so glad that my gorgeous, intelligent, loving sister has finally found someone worthy of her. And I never have to worry about Jake hurting you, because he knows if he does, I will murder him in his sleep and dump his body in the river.”

  She’s half sobbing, half laughing by the end, and we hug like two emotional saps.

  When we pull back, she says, “Now, no more being sad about your absent boyfriend. Tonight, we’re having cake, and cake cures everything.”

>   She continues chatting all the way to Nan’s building, making sure to keep my mind off Jake. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

  “Nan, we’re here!” she yells as we walk through the door. Five seconds later, a very excited Moby Duck waddles out to greet us. He quacks excitedly and flaps his wings, probably thinking we’re going to give him something to eat. I almost squeal when I see he’s wearing a tiny polka-dot party hat.

  “Oh, my God, Mobes! You look adorable.” After I dump my coat and bag on the wall rack next to the door, I run my hand along his feathery back. “You’re hungry, huh? Where’s your momma? Is she cooking?”

  Nan’s voice rings out from the kitchen. “In here, girls! And don’t let Moby convince you he hasn’t had his dinner yet, because he has. The lying little oink.”

  Moby gives a petulant quack.

  Eden joins me in petting him. “Mobes, you have a meal-worm problem. You know this right?”

  Moby quacks before turning on his heel and heading toward the kitchen.

  “Hey, don’t walk away,” I say. “The first step is admitting you’re a fatty boombah.”

  We follow him into the kitchen. Nannabeth turns as she continues stirring a pot to give us her signature sunshine-smile. “Hello, gorgeous granddaughters.”

  “Greetings, gorgeous grandmother.” Eden gives her a kiss on the cheek, and then I follow suit.

  “My birthday girl,” Nan says, cupping my face and giving me an extra kiss. “Because I love you so much, I’m making your favorite.”

  I glance at the braised lamb hocks in the pan. “Huh. That doesn’t look like mushroom risotto.”

  She frowns and looks at the saucepan. “What? If it isn’t you who loves lamb hocks, who is it?” Eden raises her hand, and Nan pulls a face. “Oh, damn. Sorry, sweetheart.”

  “It’s fine, Nan.” I kiss her cheek. “Everything you make is delicious. Can we help with something?”

  “You could do the salad. The first batch of lettuce I prepared has mysteriously disappeared.” She gives Moby a pointed look. He stares her down, unblinking. For about fifteen seconds, Eden and I suppress our laughter while we witness an epic old lady/duck standoff. In my mind, the theme song from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly starts to play. Finally, Moby lets out a tirade of quacks before angry-waddling out of the room.

  “Ignore him,” she says with a wave of her hand. “He’s in a bad mood, because I cut off his television privileges.” She looks toward the living room. “You could be watching Animal Planet right now if you hadn’t pilfered the lettuce! Actions have consequences, young man!”

  More uptight quacking echoes down the hallway.

  Gran puts the lid on the saucepan and shakes her head. “Grumpy little monster.”

  Eden pulls out the bottle of champagne she brought. “Time for some bubbles?”

  Nan smiles. “Yes, please.” Eden works on opening the bottle while Nan grabs some glasses from the cabinet. I don’t know if it’s a hangover from years gone by or Jake not being here that makes the thought of having champagne seem bittersweet. Still, I try to feel happy as we all hold up our glasses.

  “Tonight,” Nan says, “We’re going to start a new tradition. It was far too long ago that I lost my daughter, and even though I would give anything to have her here with us, I wouldn’t trade the time I spent raising her beautiful girls for anything. So every year, we’re going to push aside the pain of losing her and celebrate her legacy.” She looks at Eden and me. “How I wish she could be see you two and the amazing women you’ve become. I have no doubt she’d be just as proud of you as I am. Maybe even more so.”

  She raises he glass. “To Lizzie.”

  Eden and I share an emotional look, then raise our glasses. “To Mom.”

  “And to Asha,” Eden adds. “Happy birthday, darling sister. May this be the first of many future celebrations.”

  We all clink glasses and sip our drinks, and for the first time since I was nine, I’m able to think about my mother on my birthday and smile.

  _______________

  “Open mine first.” Eden clears some dirty plates to make room for her gift. “Well, technically, it’s from Max and me, but he’s not here, so I’m taking all the credit.” She puts the plates in the sink and rushes back to sit beside me.

  “I’m telling him you said that.” I pull off the lid and rifle through layers of tissue paper to find another box. When I realize what it is, my mouth drops open. She’s given me the brand new, top-of-the-line iPhone, and I know damn well Derek doesn’t pay her enough to be able to afford it.

  “Eden, this is too much.”

  She waves me off. “Nothing is too much for my baby sister. Plus …” She lowers her voice and mumbles, “… one of Max’s clients is a wholesaler who gave us a really good deal, so it really wasn’t that much.”

  I stand and hug her. “You know you’re my favorite sister, right? This will make my life so much easier. Thank you.”

  “My turn,” Nan says, as she places a gift-wrapped rectangle in front of me. “This isn’t as fancy as carrying the sum of all human knowledge in your pocket, but still …” She shrugs. “I hope you like it.”

  I give her a smile as I tear open the paper and pull it back. When I reveal what’s inside, it takes a moment for my mind to comprehend what I’m seeing, and then...my heart stops.

  “Oh, damn,” Eden whispers beside me. “That’s gorgeous.”

  It’s a picture of me and Jake from the HEA party. It must have been taken while we were on the red carpet, and it has echoes of the photo Jake posted earlier. Jake has his arm around me, and while I’m smiling at the wall of photographers, Jake is gazing down at me with an expression of total adoration.

  “You two make a beautiful couple,” Nan says quietly.

  I look over, concerned she’s upset I didn’t tell her. “Nan …”

  She pats my hand. “I’m not angry with you, sweetheart. You’ve had a crazy couple of months. I’m just glad you two kids finally sorted yourselves out. You’ve been in love with each other since the day you met, and I was starting to lose hope you’d ever admit that.”

  I have so many questions, I don’t know which one to ask first. Nan gives me an enigmatic smile and takes the rest of the plates to the sink.

  “Nan, how did you get this photo? And how did you know about Jake and me? And if you knew we loved each other, why didn’t you say anything?”

  She runs water over the plates. “Sweetheart, knowing something and being able to do anything about it are two different things, and you two needed to be pulled apart before you were ready for the truth. Losing the thing you love most teaches your heart about its true value. And because you now know what it’s like to be without each other, I guarantee that you and Jacob will never take your love for granted.”

  I run my fingers over Jake’s face in the picture, and I see her point. Having experienced life without Jake, I never want to be without him again. “Okay, but how did you know we were together?”

  Nan gives a non-committal shrug. “Did you forget that boy spent so much time at your house, he was practically part of the furniture? He and I became close after your mother passed. And then when the two of you fell out, we still kept in touch.”

  “Kept in touch?”

  “Some phone calls, and he sent a few postcards from overseas. Oh, and he bought a whole bunch of furniture from me about a year ago.”

  I put my elbows on the table and rub my forehead with my fingers. Jake bought all his furniture from Nan? This is too much information.

  “You okay, Ash?” Eden asks.

  “Yeah. Just fending off a headache from having my mind blown.”

  Nan comes over and rubs my back. “Sweetheart, you’ve been working way too hard. Eden and I can finish up here. Why don’t you go up to the roof and get some air?”

  Yes, please.

  The combination of three glasses of champagne and finding out about my grandmother’s omnipotence is making me feel claustroph
obic. Nan’s roof garden is one of my favorite places in the whole city to go and de-stress.

  I stand and pack my presents away. “Are you sure you’ll be okay for a few minutes?”

  Nan and Eden share a look and in unison say, “Definitely.”

  Okay, that was creepy.

  “Thanks. I’ll be back soon for cake.”

  I grab my coat and pull it on as I head up the stairs to the roof. Over the past few decades, Nan’s transformed the barren space into a lush oasis, filled with garden beds and potted plants. There’s even some bee hives and a special pond for Moby. Another major feature is its great view of Brooklyn. If I squint just right, I may even be able to see Jake’s building.

  Just thinking about him gives me goosebumps. In two days’ time, I’m going to love on him so much, there may be bruising.

  When I push out of the stairwell door and into the cool night air, I stop short as I take in the scene before me. The entire garden has been decorated with fairy lights, and in the middle of it all is an old jukebox, all lit up playing soft jazz.

  I shake my head in disbelief. “Oh, Nan, you couldn’t resist, could you?”

  I hold my breath for a moment, worried that a whole bunch of people are going to jump out and yell ‘surprise!’, but the only other creature up here is a fat pigeon huddled next to the water tank.

  I wander through the garden, so happy with how beautiful it looks draped in the tiny lights. It gives the whole area a magical feel. That’s why I used to love the garage attic so much. It’s impossible to have a bleak outlook on life when confronted with a world that sparkles.

  I turn left past the rose bushes and just about jump out of my skin when I see a tall figure silhouetted against one of Nan’s antique coach lamps. I’m about to run back to the stairwell when he walks into the light. The second I make out his familiar features, my heart beats out of my chest.

  “Jake?”

  He smiles, and it’s the most dazzling, joyful, incandescent sight I’ve ever seen. With adrenaline coursing through me, I run to him as fast as I can, not even slowing down before launching myself into his arms.