The Magic Fart

by Piers Anthony

  drank thirstily; the water was sparkling clear. “Let’s camp here for the night,” Micro said. He had something in mind? They foraged, and thus time fashioned a small lean-to of deadwood. They made another fire, ate more roast, performed natural functions downstream, and as darkness closed, lay in the lean-to, embracing for more sex. Actually it was a way to talk privately.

  “I see the stream flowing away,” Micro whispered. “But I don’t see where it comes from. There must be a spring—or a cave.” “A cave system!” she whispered back. “They might have trouble putting hidden cameras in there. We might be

  able to hide.” She wasn’t sure of that, but it was better than nothing. “They can see us

  in the dark, and would know where we go.” “I thought about that. I can make an obscuring fart, so they can’t see us.” She laughed, in a whisper. “How did you ever develop such a talent?” “I didn’t. I have a—a device.” “Ah, so you came to this realm prepared.” “Yes.” “Then let’s go seek our cave,” she said. “While they think we’re indulging

  in sexual intercourse in the lean-to.” “It may stink some. Try not to cough.” She held Chance close and waited. She heard the faint hiss of escaping gas. There was an odor, not unpleasant, and the air around them seemed to thicken somewhat. The fart was taking hold.

  They climbed carefully out of the lean-to and made their way upstream. There was just enough starlight so they could see; she hoped their accompanying cloud of mist prevented them from being seen.

  Their guess was good: the stream emerged from the steepening slope of the edge of the gulf. Over the millennia it had widened its channel, and there was room for them to walk beside it. But there was no light at all in the cave. They would quickly get lost in it. Then Micro farted again, and this time the mist he issued glowed, faintly

  illuminating the cave. Truly, his farts were magical! They followed the meandering stream channel upward, navigating dark pools and rapids as necessary. They were bound to reach the surface some time, and then, with luck, they would be free of observation and could try to return to their own realm.

  There was a figure ahead. It seemed to be a woman, clothed in diapha nous gauze, of unearthly beauty. “Come to meee,” she called. “I don’t trust this,” Veil said. But Micro was already walking toward the figure. He embraced her, kissed her, then bore her to the floor of the cave, which in that region was a cushioned bower. He was having sex with her already!

  Then he wrenched up his head and looked back at Veil. “I’m stuck—in a—perpetual orgasm,” he gasped. “She’s a—a sexual vampire! I can’t quit.” His effort of free will exhausted, he returned to his long kiss.

  A vampire! Veil figured it out: some vampires sought blood. Others were like deadly succubi, using pheromones to take over a man’s testes and prostate, forcing him to keep generating and ejaculating the seminal fluid on which they fed. Until the victims expired.

  She had to stop this. But how? Once the vampire got a man’s member into her hole, she clamped on it so securely that if she were hauled away by brute force, she would rip off his penis in the process. She could not be persuaded to stop; she was a feeding mechanism. The accompanying kiss was the mechanism to feed in the pheromones, keeping him charged.

  Veil reviewed her information, seeking an effective approach. Then she thought of something. It was truly weird, but just might work. She set Chance down. Even the baby had an erect penis in the present of this sexual monster.

  She approached the vampire and put her face down by the thing’s head. “I’m going to kiss you,” she said to it. Then she took hold of its hair and wrenched its face away from Micro’s face, breaking the kiss. Before the connection could be reinstated, she put her own mouth on the vampire’s mouth. But there were two differences. First, she was not a man, so the pheromones did not affect her the same way, though they did make her clitoris twitch. Second, she was not inhaling, she was exhaling. She blew her air into the lungs of the creature. She breathed in through her nose, and blew more air out through her mouth. When some leaked out of the vampire’s nose, she pinched it shut with her fingers, and went on inflating the body. The creature tried to struggle, but was locked on Micro and pinned under both him and Veil. It had very little play.

  Veil continued to pump air into it. The vampire was not a regular person; her flesh was elastic, and almost boneless. It had no urethra or colon, only the business aperture, so there was no place to let the excess air out. The pressure was blowing it up like a balloon. It swelled, becoming fat, then rounded. Veil kept breathing, forcing ever more air inside.

  At last the internal pressure was too great. Micro’s intruding penis was popped out as the rubbery hole inverted. He rolled to the side, and lay there, staring upward. He was out of it for now.

  Veil removed her mouth and let go of the vampire. Air whistled out of its mouth. The figure skidded along the cave floor, propelled by the escaping gas, then disappeared down the cave, involuntarily flying. She focused on Micro. “Wake! We have to get out of here.” He lay there, moaning. A tired dribble of goo leaked from his subsiding

  penis. The pheromones had not yet cleared his body. She got another idea. “Fart!” she said. “Magic fart. Fart out a nullifying

  gas. I know you can do it.” There was a small hiss as his colon got busy. A sweetish gas spread around them. It quelled her clitoris, and soon the man’s penis shrank. But he remained too tired to move.

  Well, that anti-pheromone gas was probably enough to keep the vampire away. She recovered Chance and lay beside Micro. “You’re safe now,” she murmured soothingly, holding his head against her breasts. He recovered slightly. “You saved me!” “A little late,” she agreed. He laughed weakly. “Just as I saved you from that pig a little late.” “So we’re even now.” “I love you.” “You don’t even know who I am. I don’t know who you are. We can’t

  speak of love.” Yet her heart was yearning toward him. “My name—my name is Prior Gross,” he said. Veil froze. She knew that name. This was the man she hated. The discovery was like a bucket of ice water, chilling her dawning affection for him. What a despicable pass!

  Chapter 17—Escape

  Prior emerged from his orgasmic horror to find Veil cradling his head on her soft bosom. He loved her; he knew it now. The succubus had not been fooling about this being his ideal woman. “We don’t even know each other,” she was saying. “I am Prior Gross,” he said. She was silent. Probably the name meant nothing to her. “I fetched a magical instrument called The Spire, so I could rescue you. That’s what makes the magic farts. By myself I am nothing. So I can’t blame you for lacking feeling for me.” “I have feeling,” she said. “Strong feeling.” “That’s good,” he said, relieved, and sank back into sleep. He woke later, significantly recovered. He didn’t feel much like having

  sex for the next decade, but the rest of him seemed healthy. Veil and her baby were sleeping beside him. He let out another illumination fart and looked around. The cave was quiet except for the trickle of the stream. They had gotten this far; they could surely make it the rest of the way to the surface.

  He went to the water and scooped up a double handful to drink. He felt depleted, but the water seemed restorative.

  A figure appeared, walking beside the water. The vampire! “Spire!” he said. “Blow her away!”

  The Spire responded with a blast of gas. The vampire smelled it and fled.

  Veil stirred. Her body was smudged with dirt, but she was a lovely crea ture. Even her baby was handsome for his age. He still knew very little about her, but was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and not just because she had saved him from the vampire.

  He went to help her up. She brushed away his hand. “I’m not helpless,” she snapped. Prior retreated. “Sorry.” She looked at him with an unfathomable expression. “You really don’t

  know me,” she said. “I really don’t,” he agreed. “Just that I love you and want to spend the

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p; rest of my life with you.” She paused before speaking again. “We must make our way out of here.

  I want you to tell me about yourself as we do.” “Sure.” And as they made their way, he told her of his larger background, encountering a succubus, discovering that his smegma had anti-VD properties, and having it stolen by a lady doctor. “Who did that?” Veil asked sharply. “Her name was Tantamount Emdee,” he said. “Lovely creature, and I liked her. But that changed when she stole my penis. Oh, she sent me to her sister Oubliette, who made me a versatile prosthesis. But I wanted my real member back. So I went on a quest to find the Cherry Tree. I fought five demons, and won the Spire, the Cosmic Dildo, that jets anything it chooses to.” “That’s where you got the magic farter, then.” “Yes, at the time. I left it with Tantamount for a year, spouting my for

  mula of smegma, so she could have all she wanted.” “She must have been delighted.” “At first,” he agreed. “Not later, when it flooded her out of her house.” “That was your revenge for the theft of your penis?” “Yes.” “You must be very satisfied.” He considered. “I guess I was, at first. Not now.” “Why not?” “Well, I got my penis back. I didn’t really need to do that to her. It was pointless and unkind. If I ever see her again, I’ll apologize. But her sister says she wouldn’t talk to me.” “She wouldn’t?” “Oubliette made that very clear. Anyway, I don’t know where she went.” “So you might as well forget it.” “Yes, if I can.” “Why can’t you?” He shrugged. “I did her wrong. I know it now. I can’t make it right, but

  at least I could apologize, for what little it’s worth.” They continued on up the stream cave. At length they reached the surface, where the stream encountered a blind gully and tunneled its way down into the gulf. It was still night, so they settled down to sleep until dawn. Veil cuddled her baby and turned away from him. But then she did something odd. “Micro, I mean Prior, I have to catch up on a natural function. Will you mind Chance for a while?”

  Prior was astonished. She had never let him touch her baby before. He sat up. “I’ll try. But I don’t know anything about babies. Suppose he cries?”

  “Cuddle him,” she said, and put the baby into his hands. Then she disap peared into the darkness.

  Prior held the baby, who remained blithely sleeping. There was some thing nice about being trusted like this, though the little boy might well scream in protest when he discovered he wasn’t being held by his mother.

  There was an unearthly scream close by. Prior jumped, and the baby woke yelling. Something must have attacked Veil!

  Prior found himself on his feet and hurrying toward the sound. “We’ll help her, Chance,” he said, trying to cuddle the baby without quite knowing how. There was faint light as dawn thought about coming; he could see well enough to avoid holes and rocks in the landscape. “Veil! Veil!” he called. “Where are you?” “Over here,” she answered. He saw a dim shape. “Where’s the animal? I’ll stop it with a magic fart.” “No need. That was me.” He stopped where he was. “You?” “My primal scream. It releases tension and helps me sort out my feel

  ings.” He was relieved and annoyed. “I thought it was a beast attacking you. It

  scared me and woke Chance.” “Chance is quiet now.” So he was, Prior realized. His desperate reassurance had somehow worked, and the baby was resting quietly in his arms. “Uh, so did you get your business done?” “That was my business.” “Then you can take Chance back now.” “No you keep him. We have to talk.” “I don’t understand.” “You will, in due course.” They returned to their campsite and sat facing each other in the gloom. The baby was satisfied to return to sleep against Prior’s shoulder. “What do we need to talk about?” “Tantamount Emdee.” “I already told you about her.” “Not enough. You like her, don’t you?” “What do you mean?” “What I said. You say you love me, but it’s her you’re thinking of.” He was amazed. “You’re jealous of her?” “Do I have reason?”

  He started to protest, but was overcome by a confused rush of feeling. “I—don’t know. I did her wrong, and she hates me, and I have to try to apologize, but I have to admit she’s been on my mind some.” “So I have reason. You have unfinished business with her.” “I guess so,” he said. “I do love you, but she’s there in my background. I

  wish she didn’t hate me.” “And if she were to stop hating you, you’d go back to her.” He laughed somewhat weakly. “There’s no ‘back’ to go to. We were never together. We had one bout of sex, then she drugged me and stole my penis, and later I got back at her. Now I’m sorry. She never cared for me. She’s not a caring person.” “How can you be sure of that?” “Well, she cares about her research. She has all these ideas about making sex safe for the masses, forwarding science, and so on. Maybe she has a boyfriend; I don’t know. She’s smart and talented and dedicated. I was just a—a means to an end. So there’s nothing there.” “There’s enough to interfere with us.” He pondered. “I guess there is. I’m sorry. But you know, Veil, you’re

  available and she’s not, so—” “The hell I am! You think I want to be someone’s second choice?” He nodded. “I guess not. Damn.” “So what are you going to do?” “What can I do? I’ll see you safely back to our realm, then I’ll go find

  Tantamount and try to apologize. Then I guess I’ll be on my own.” “I guess you will,” she agreed. “What of the Spire?” “I’ll take that to Tantamount’s sister Oubliette. She wants it, and it likes

  her. She’s a great woman.” “You like her too.” “Yes. But she’s even farther out of reach than Tantamount. She tried to

  help me win you.” “She what?” “The thing about the Spire is it can make a woman desperately eager for

  sex, when it’s set for that. Oubliette told me to touch you with the Spire.” “The bitch!” “No, because you’re my ideal woman. The Spire would make you want me. I wasn’t able to touch you with it, and really, that’s just as well, because that would not have been love, just passion. As it happens, you can make up your own mind, and that’s best.” “Even if it means I don’t marry you?” He smiled in the dim light. “Best for you, not for me. That’s the way it

  has to be. I really fouled it up.” “Perhaps.” She looked around, her long dark hair flaring as her head turned. “We seem to have used up the night. We need to plan the rest of our escape.” “Yes. I figure I can fart us to food and lodging as we travel.” “No. Don’t use the magic fart. That would be a dead giveaway, and they’d

  recapture us.” “But we have nothing, not even clothing. How can we make our way?” “There are other contests. Farting is out, and I don’t go for defecation.

  So it will have to be urination.” “Pissing?” “There are contests for volume, color, and distance.” “Well, with the Spire I could—” “No Spire.” “But I’m not that good a pisser.” “Fortunately I have a fairly tight bladder. I should be able to get some

  distance.” “I wouldn’t ask you to—” “We’re not where we came from. Here women can urinate as freely as

  men.” Prior looked at her, out of sorts. “But your hood is as much of a giveaway as the Spire. Neither of us can—” He paused, astonished. “Your hood is gone!” Her mouth dropped open. “Oh!” She sounded oddly dismayed. He peered at her face, but it wasn’t yet light enough to get it clear of shadow.

  “Not that it matters. I’m sure I don’t know you anyway. “It matters,” she said. “You’ll know soon enough. I’m Tantamount.” Now his own jaw dropped. “But she doesn’t have a—” He glanced at

  the baby, on his shoulder. “And Chance is your son. Why did you think I was so angry?” “But—but I never—” “You certainly did. You seduced me with the Spire, and deliberately impregnated me. Not to mention burying my house in smegma. I had to give up my practice and hide, lest my reputation be destroyed.” Now he remembered. He had done that. “I suppose it’s too late to apologize,” he said. “Way too late,” she agreed with controlled fury.

  Chapter 18—Trap

>   Well, now it was out, Tantamount thought as she worked her hair into a halter. Now that the secret was gone, she could afford to be comfortable to that extent. Of all the men who might have come to rescue her, this was the worst. But she was stuck with it.

  One thing that really bothered her now was that she should have recog nized him when she numbed his penis. His artificial member fitted very well, and there was no obvious juncture where it connected to his living body, but she was a doctor specializing in penile malaise. She should have caught on immediately that his member was artificial. She had been distracted by their situation, and had never thought to inspect it. The more fool, she.

  “Well, I’ll still do my best to get you out of here,” he said. “Then you’ll be free of me.”

  “Not so fast, you jerk. You can’t just kiss off your son. You have legal responsibilities.”

  “My son,” he echoed, as if just realizing. “He’s quiet when I’m holding him. Does he realize?” She shrugged. “You like holding him?” He considered only briefly. “Yes.” That was one point in his favor. She had tested him by having him hold Chance when she did her primal scream. The baby had firm notions about who was all right and who wasn’t.

  “There was one thing I couldn’t decipher,” she said, as they ate the re maining roast pig Prior had hauled up through the cave. “Why was I kidnapped? At first I thought it was random, but I did wonder why they took a woman with a baby, surely a drug on the fresh maiden market. Then they arranged to notify you. That didn’t make sense either, as long as you were anonymous. But now it is clear that this was set up from the start. The question is why. My sister evidently caught on, and thought it was a good match, the canine, but she didn’t set it up. Who did that?” “I don’t know. Someone with a sadistic sense of humor. Putting you to