The Magic Fart

by Piers Anthony

  Prior did not like the direction this was taking. “What has this to do with Tantamount?” “Behold.” The demon gestured. A stout wood stake appeared, sharpened to a point above. Suspended over it was Tantamount, holding the baby in a sling. Her arms were extended up over her head, her wrists tied by a thick loop of rope. The rope passed over a pulley and descended to a big old fashioned clock that had the current time: noon. The loop was wound around a wheel that was evidently on the same axle as the minute hand of the clock; in an hour it would rotate a full turn, releasing about a foot of rope. She hung there unmoving, though her eyes showed she was conscious.

  “Now let’s complete the setting,” the demon said. He went to the stake, reached up, caught the woman’s legs, and pulled them down around the stake. The rope gave, allowing this. “Now let’s see your pretty little pucker, sweetie.” He parted her legs and guided her hanging body so that the point of the stake just touched her cleft. He drew her body down a little more, so that the point nudged into her vagina. “I see you know better than to kick or struggle, dearie,” he said. “Because that will merely cause the rope to slip faster, dropping you onto the stake. Absolute stillness is best; then only the passage of time brings your descent. Nevertheless, it could become uncomfortable after half an hour, and worse after an hour, as the penetration moves from half a foot to a full foot. At some point your lovely wet cunt will run out; then the prick will deepen it in its own pointed fashion.” He turned to Prior. “Have I made the situation clear, smegma brains? Within the hour one of us is bound to win, and that person will rescue the woman, with luck before she suffers significant harm. If the contest should extend beyond an hour, that can not be guaranteed. But you are welcome to take your time if you want to.”

  “It won’t take an hour,” Prior said grimly. “Let’s get on with it.” He had no certainty of defeating the demon, but obviously had to try. Win or lose, it had to be fast.

  “Done.” The demon gestured, and a pentagram appeared: a five pointed star. “The combat will take place within the figure; if you wish to take a break, merely step out.” He stepped in.

  Prior doffed his pantaloons and stepped in, naked. Instantly the demon was on him, wrestling him to the ground. “First I owe you for that candle fuck.” He got Prior on his belly, lay on top of him, and angled his ramrod penis into the crack of his posterior. “An ass fuck doesn’t count for this, but bear with me; it’s for personal satisfaction. It wouldn’t be the same after you’re dead.”

  Prior struggled, but was helpless. He couldn’t get his hands or feet under him; the demon’s weight kept him flat. Meanwhile that phallus was driving at his rectum, trying to force the aperture.

  He looked up, and saw Tantamount, already lower on the pole. The de mon was happy to take his time, but Prior wasn’t. He had to finish this soon. Time, Spire, he thought urgently.

  I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK, the Spire gouted. Then it issued a small

  thin little squeaker of a fart. “What a pipsqueak!” the demon said. “You call that a fart? That hardly shook my pecker hair.” He sniffed. “This wouldn’t stun a butterfly! It’s laughable.” “I’m going to beat you,” Prior gasped. “Not with that puny little effort. The very idea is hilarious.” The demon laughed again, harder. “I thought we’d have at least the semblance of a contest. What a joke!” “I’m winning,” Prior said. “You’re finished, branch.” “Ho ho ho! What a ludicrous threat. I haven’t heard anything that rich in

  centuries!” Overcome by humor, the demon laughed so hard that he rolled off Prior and curled up on his back on the floor, hardly able to get a breath between guffaws. Prior got up, dusted himself off, then squatted over the demon’s face and let out another small fart.

  The demon inhaled. A look of shock crossed his ugly features. “Oh, I’m done for! How could this happen?” Then he popped out of existence.

  Prior ran across to Tantamount. Only about fifteen minutes had passed, but that was enough to set a good three inches of the stake into her.

  “Don’t touch me!” she gasped. “Any jog will drop me on it. Pull from the other end.”

  He ran to the clock. He was about to take hold of the rope between it and the pulley, but she stopped him again. “Wind the clock hand backwards. That’s safest.”

  He did so, and slowly the rope rewound and drew her up off the stake. Once she was clear, she pushed herself to the side with one leg. “Now lower me, slowly.”

  He did so, and soon she stood on the ground, bringing her hands down. He rushed to embrace her.

  Chapter 22—Demoness

  Tantamount turned eagerly to accept Prior’s embrace. “What happened?” she asked. “The demon was winning, and I feared for you. Then he started laughing and didn’t stop. The joke couldn’t have been that funny.” “No joke,” he said, pausing to kiss her. “I farted laughing gas.” “Laughing gas!” she exclaimed, laughing herself. “But that’s an anes

  thetic.” “Yes. He thought he was laughing of his own volition, so he didn’t even

  try to fight it. That was his mistake.” “You’re wonderful!” She kissed him passionately. “Let’s find a bed, while

  we have time. I’m so relieved to be free again.” “Forget it, mortal man,” a sultry voice said. It was a dusky demoness in an elegant dress, bold of breast, stout of thigh, classic of feature, with a necklace of fifty severed shriveled human penises. “You must win her from me. Tomorrow at noon.” “The Second Branch!” Prior exclaimed. “But we should have a day to ourselves, between bouts,” Tantamount protested. She was feeling downright romantic, after the horrors of the night and her near brush with impalement.

  “No. You are in my power now.” The nails of the demoness’s fingers extended like the claws of a cat, digging into Tantamount’s flesh. “Hostage to his performance tomorrow.”

  Then the scene changed. They were in a lush bedroom suite. This was obvi ously the second level, the residence of the Second Branch.

  Maybe she could learn something useful. “You look too svelte to be in a business like this,” Tantamount said. “You have an hourglass figure.”

  The demoness dropped into an easy chair and crossed her legs, the left ankle over the right knee, so that her well-fleshed thighs showed all the way to the cleft. “True. But a very small slit. Look.” She reached to her crotch with her two hands and pulled her vulva lips apart. Tantamount looked more closely. It was true; the vulva was hardly more than a crease, and the vagina seemed to be a pinpoint hole that a hypodermic needle would have had trouble penetrating. “How do you ever manage to have sexual intercourse?”

  “That, my dear, is the point: in a normal combat with a male, my anatomy is virtually impenetrable. Of course I could loosen it if I chose, but I will hardly choose to do so tomorrow. I remain angry at your boyfriend.” “Because he defeated you in fair combat? “It wasn’t fair!” the demoness snapped. “He changed weapons in mid engagement. He screwed on his pipe-cleaner model, then beat me up until I could no longer resist. He raped me!”

  Tantamount had to laugh. “Rape a sex demoness? That’s a hyperbolic exaggeration.”

  The demoness nodded, putting her lifted foot down and straightening her skirt so that her genital region no longer showed. “True. But it was a considerable annoyance. Tomorrow I will repay him in kind.” “You don’t look strong enough to hold him down for a killer fart.” “I’m not. However I have a strategy that should prevail. I would have used it last time, had he not annoyed me to the point of rage so that I couldn’t think straight.” This was interesting. “What did he do?” “He bit my breast,” she said indignantly. “He chomped my nipple, hard, repeatedly. Then in my distraction he tied me up and drilled my hole with his thin rod. It was an outrage.” “But as a demon you shouldn’t have felt pain, should you?” “We don’t need to feel pain, but turn it on for important encounters, as it’s an excellent guide to damage. But it was the barbarism of the act that got to me. No man chomps a breast as lovely as mine!” “It does
seem barbaric,” Tantamount agreed. “So you will understand why tomorrow you will be fitted with a miniature toothed animal trap that will close on your right nipple after a certain length of time has passed. You will lose the use of that breast for nursing if that trap trips.”

  Ouch! But the demoness would do what she chose to do. “I do under stand.”

  “Very good. Now make yourself at home. I want you to be pretty for tomorrow.” The demoness faded out.

  It did make sense, Tantamount thought as she nursed Chance. The demoness had a grudge, and this would not only hurt Prior back, as it were, the same way as he had hurt her, it would make him appreciate the horror of Tantamount’s predicament. What was to stop the demoness from destroying the other nipple too? Chance was not yet ready to be weaned, and anyway, she liked nursing him; it provided the kind of closeness she had never before had with another person.

  Fortunately Prior had the Spire, and it had proved its effectiveness. He would find a way. She hoped.

  She washed Chance and herself, and put on one of the exquisite gowns she found in the closet. It fit her perfectly, as the wall-sized mirror confirmed. Demons did know how to do things when they wanted to. The demoness reappeared. “Would you like to join me for dinner?” “Do I have a choice?” “There is no need to be defensive. We both know our situations, and what will happen tomorrow. Tonight we can set that aside and be social, if you wish. You do have a choice.”

  Tantamount realized that even demons might like to socialize on occa sion. “Truce for the evening?”

  “Truce,” the demoness agreed, and smiled. The room actually bright ened; demons could make things literal when they chose.

  Dinner was in a dining hall like that of a major hotel, but there were no waiters. Instead the platters floated in on their trays and settled before them as required. It turned out to be an excellent meal, complete with quality wine and delightful dessert. Tantamount was quite satisfied. So was Chance, sitting in his convenient high chair. “I must say, you are a quality entertainer.” The demoness made a wry moue. “The males insist on it, on occasion, between bouts of sadistic sex. I am expected to conjure the food and clean the dishes. Woman’s work.” “I’ll help with the dishes.” The demoness paused, considering. “Very well.” They repaired to the kitchen, where the used dishes were piled on counters. Tantamount got to work, sorting and scrubbing, and the demoness helped. It was pleasant working together. “I had understood that demons did not need to eat,” Tantamount said. “We don’t. But we have few natural pleasures, and food can be one such. We spent several centuries having to eat nothing but ice cream; I was glad to get away from that. The Third Branch didn’t eat; he had neglected to form an alimentary tract, so could not process food well. But I could eat, and prefer it to sex, for an obvious reason.”

  “The males have monstrous penises, and you have a very tight vagina,” Tantamount agreed, rather understating the case. “I’m surprised you can manage sex at all.”

  “Demon flesh is elastic, and the males enjoy the challenge of a tight closure. They do hammer it in, taking my grimacing for pleasure. Some demons are amorphous, adopting whatever form they prefer at the moment; we

  EEGS are less so.” “Eegs?” “Expressly Endowed Golems, created expressly to guard the Spire from molestation. It was a great shame when we failed that mission; now we mean to win it back. That will save us from abolition by EGG, the Eldest God of the Galaxy, who made us and the Spire, at such time as he discovers our dereliction.” “So it’s not just vengeance against Prior.” “Correct. But vengeance is one of the demon pleasures.” Afterward, the demoness accompanied her to her room. Tantamount nursed Chance again and put him down in the crib for the night. She wasn’t concerned about him being taken from her; the demoness could do that at any time if she chose. She did not seem to be into sadism for its own sake.

  “Do you ever?” the demoness inquired, opening her gown to show her beautiful breasts.

  This was a new dimension, yet not completely unexpected; the demoness had been surprisingly friendly. “Once I tried it with my sister, when we were teens in med school, just to see what it was like. I’m heterosexual.” “So am I. But males can be such jerks.” “Agreed!” Tantamount removed her gown, hung it up, and stood naked.

  The demoness was already bare on the bed. They made love, stroking each other, kissing, and fondling wonderful breasts without biting. The demoness was an experienced and effective lover, not at all violent or insensitive. She used her tongue to caress Tantamount’s clitoris into virtual ejaculation, and reacted similarly to attention to her own miniature. But mainly it was the full-length embracing and intertwining, the ultimate closeness of two beautiful bodies. It was delightful.

  “If it should happen that you lose your man tomorrow, and come into my power permanently,” the demoness said, “I hope your bitterness will fade in time and allow you to do this again.”

  Tantamount was tempted. She realized now that demons were people too, with some similar feelings. If Prior lost, she would be the continuing captive of this creature, and a positive relationship would surely be preferable to a negative one. Certainly it was a far better prospect than captivity by the First Branch would have been, with his delight in power and humiliation. “Perhaps so, in time.”

  “I would like to learn caring. You could surely teach me, despite my limited capacity for it.” “I can try.” The demoness nodded, and faded. Tantamount was left undisturbed for the remainder of the night.

  Chapter 23— Second Branch

  Prior reported to the castle promptly at noon. It was now only four

  branches high, having settled one level. The demoness appeared, ravishingly beautiful. But he knew better than to give her any leeway; he had to go for as fast and certain a victory as he could manage.

  “We meet again,” the Second Branch said. “I believe you know better than to try that laughing gas on me; my sense of humor is negligible. There is also no need for you to attempt sex with me. This is a different kind of encounter.” “I’m aware of that,” Prior said tightly. “Where’s Tantamount?” “Your delightful woman? She remains in good health.” She gestured, and Tantamount appeared, lovely in a close-fitting gown. Her baby was at her left breast, but there was something obscuring her right breast. It looked like a small reptile. “True?” he asked her. “I have not been mistreated,” she said. “But this is a demon lizard whose teeth will slowly close on my breast as time passes, crushing the nipple and destroying its effectiveness for nursing. It will be exceedingly painful.” “This is what she told you to say?” “Yes. But it is also true.” He had no doubt of it. “Let’s get to it, bitch,” he said to the demoness,

  and stepped into the pentagram, naked. The demoness joined him, her gown evanescing. She embraced him and kissed him firmly on the mouth. Startled, he braced for a bite, but it turned out to be a straight kiss. Her perfect breasts pressed into his chest, and her groin touched his, causing his penis to react. Her body lifted so that she was

  his height. “Hey—I thought you said no sex!” “Perhaps I changed my mind. I understand you are a good lover. If you

  press hard and persistently, maybe you can penetrate my tight little pussy.” His penis was stiffening. “We’re supposed to be fighting! What kind of

  trick is this?” She ran her hands down along his back, cupping his buttocks. “One of us will surely perish by the end of this engagement. Why not glean a bit of pleasure along the way?” Her bottom shifted, allowing his erect member to lodge in her cleft, which was warm and slick.

  He couldn’t help himself. He thrust, and the tip of his member did man age to nudge into her aperture. It wasn’t quite as taut as Tantamount’s urethra had been, and was yielding slightly to his urgency. He thrust again, and got it in another inch. Her tight hole was stretching to accommodate him in a way it hadn’t at their prior encounter. Apparently she could let a man in if she chose. But he hardly trusted this. “What’s the catch?”

 
; “How can there be a catch?” she inquired, kissing his ear. “To win this contest, one of us must get a posterior close to the other’s face. This is not feasible while we are sexually connected.”

  His body kept thrusting despite his distrust. He jammed in another inch. Then the orgasm overtook him, and he sent his semen into her close chamber.

  “Smartly accomplished,” she murmured. Her firm vagina loosened fur ther, and his pumping member slid in to full depth as it completed its fluid delivery. “You are indeed an apt partner. I am discovering my own climax.” Her body heated, her vagina clenched, and she breathed harder. “Oh, yes, yes!” She found his mouth again for a passionate kiss. “You didn’t even bite,” he said after a moment. “I was tempted, believe me. But I wanted the fuck more than the bite, at this moment. Of course I could still form teeth in my cunt and bite your pecker off.” Prior froze, appalled. She laughed. “But it’s against the rules for this sort of engagement. Real cunts don’t have teeth, so mine can’t either, or I forfeit the match. Had you going there a moment, didn’t I!”

  “You did. I’m sorry I had to do that, then. Biting you, I mean. This is much nicer.”

  “Thank you. Sometimes it is indeed possible to mix pleasure with busi ness, however fleetingly.”

  He was, amazingly, almost getting to like her. Then he looked past her flaring hair and saw Tantamount wincing. “The biting lizard!” he exclaimed. “You’re stalling so it can hurt her!”

  “Curses, foiled again,” she said, laughing. Suddenly all pressure ceased and he felt his penis dribbling into space. Her center section had dematerialized.

  Yet it had been one fine fuck. Furious that he had fallen for this diver sion, Prior grabbed her—and his hands passed through her body without resistance. “Huh?”

  “I am doing what I should have done a year ago,” she said. “Spot dema terializing so that you can’t manhandle me. But I’m glad we were able to connect before things got serious; there’s something special about mortal sperm.”