Hold Me Now

by J. H. Croix

  “What?” he pressed.

  “Nothing,” I snapped.

  “I don't think the kiss was a mistake.”

  His words startled me, and my eyes flew wide as my mouth dropped open. His lips kicked up into a grin, and those bonfires spun in pinwheels through me as my belly executed a flip. I swallowed. “What?” My question slipped out in a whisper. I wasn’t even sure what I was asking.

  “Just what I said. I don't think that kiss was a mistake. It was a great kiss.”

  I felt as if he were daring me to argue the point. And, God help me, I never could resist a dare. I grew up with an older brother and spent most of my childhood trying to outdo him at every little thing. Maybe my brother had completely fucked his life up right now, and I was mad at him, but when we were little, I'd wanted to beat him at everything. I looked up to him that much.

  I narrowed my eyes. “What is your point?”

  “If that kiss was such a mistake, I dare you to kiss me again.”

  Oh. My. God. “You're daring me?” I sputtered, shocked.

  He said the word aloud. “Yeah. If it's no big deal, just kiss me and prove that that kiss was bad.”

  “I didn't say that kiss was bad,” I retorted, my words getting ahead of my brain. His grin spread to the other corner of his mouth. “That wasn’t my point,” I muttered, flustered with my reaction to him. “I said it was a mistake. That's different.”

  “A good kiss is a good kiss,” he pointed out.

  See, he was all cool, talking about that kiss like it was nothing. It was far more than nothing to me. I was no innocent virgin, but I hadn't had a ton of experience with relationships. I'd had other priorities. And, frankly, as far as I could tell, most men were a letdown beyond the superficial sheen.

  “Whether or not it was a good kiss isn't the point. It was still a mistake,” I clarified again, which promptly annoyed me even further.

  I didn't need to keep clarifying that I hadn't said the kiss was bad, but he was implying that I had. For crying out loud, this was the definition of a conundrum. Well, that and the fact that I wanted this man. And it was a very, very bad idea for me to want him. We worked together, and now we lived together. Until I found another place to stay, I was in a bind.

  He moved a step closer, and I shook my head wildly. “I can't, Russell.”

  His gaze sobered immediately. “Can't what?”

  “I know this is all fun and games to you, but we work together. I’m new here, and I'd like to keep my job.”

  Of course, it only made matters worse when he immediately respected me. “Say no more.” He held a hand up. “I'm sorry. You get under my skin, that's all. Can we at least try to be nice at work? I thought we were getting better for a bit there.”

  “Maybe for like three days.” I lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. He chuckled, and my pulse kicked up its heels in response. “I could try again,” I offered, feeling flustered as heat flashed in my cheeks.

  “Sounds good.”

  I started to turn away again when he commented, “Don’t forget a spoon.”

  I snagged one out of the drawer nearby before hurrying back upstairs without another word. I closed my door, leaned my back against it, and let my hips slide to the floor. I ate my yogurt right there. Russell left me in a tizzy.

  Not much later, I went in to work, telling myself not to get snappy. Halfway through the day, I had a phone message from my brother, which sent my mood plummeting. “No need to heed my earlier warning. Take care. Love you.” The line went dead after that vague and brief message. I’d been walking down the hallway and stopped to lean against the wall.

  “But why don't I need to heed your warning?” I asked my phone, idly wondering why blocking my brother’s number didn’t block the messages. They just showed up on my blocked list, which I freaking checked because I worried about him.

  Obviously, my phone couldn't answer my question, and I knew my brother wouldn't tell me even if I asked. My best guess was whoever he’d warned me about was now in jail. Of all the things I'd worried about when I was growing up, my brother becoming a designer drug dealer had not been on that list. Instead, I'd worried about learning to fly like a bird and if our house was brick. In the category of out-of-the-blue childhood fears, for a while, I was afraid of our house burning down, and I thought bricks couldn’t burn.

  I leaned my head back and let out a sigh before pushing away from the wall. When I heard footsteps and looked up reflexively, my belly did a little jump and my pulse skittered wildly when I saw Russell. He had a smudge of dirt on his cheek. My eyes soaked him in greedily—the way his muscled arms swung easily, the way his shoulders filled out his shirt, and the way his cargo pants hung low on his hips. Jesus. I was getting hot and bothered looking at my co-worker slash roommate.

  “How ya doin’?” Russell said easily, hopefully oblivious to my ogling.

  His tone annoyed me. It wasn't him. It was just that he really wasn't as affected by me as I was by him, and it was so obvious. Well, that, and I was already feeling edgy after my brother's call.

  “Fine, you?” I returned, my tone sharp.

  Russell's brows hitched up slightly, and his eyes searched my face. “Ah, so that's how it is. Catch you later.” He tapped my shoulder as he walked past me, and I had to fight the urge to shrug his touch away.

  Chapter Eleven

  Russell

  When Chase asked if I wanted to go to Wildlands, I immediately agreed. I sure as hell didn't want to go back to my place tonight. I didn't know what was up with Paisley, but she kept running hot and cold. She had a point about that kiss, and it rankled me a little. Because, holy hell, that had been one smokin’ hot kiss. I didn't mind admitting to myself I wanted more, but it wasn't sensible. I knew it wasn’t.

  Chase had suggested going out together because we had a couple of new firefighters who’d joined the crew recently. Rowan Cole was the last one hired. He came by way of North Carolina and knew Remy Martin, who worked on another crew here.

  Wildlands was a favorite hangout in town. It was a sprawling lodge on the shores of the lake. What had started as a small place had grown over the years, and now they had a kick-ass bar and restaurant with good food and good people. A hodgepodge of firefighters from different crews was here tonight.

  I leaned back in my chair and took a long drag from my beer before glancing toward Rowan. “So, what do you think of Alaska so far?”

  He dipped his head with a quick smile. “I like it.”

  “You ready for winter?” Beck asked as he leaned his elbows on the table and stole one of Levi's fries.

  Levi slid him a look. “I ordered those, you know.”

  “I know,” Beck returned easily. “I ordered a basket too. You can have some of mine.”

  Levi rolled his eyes and pushed his basket to the middle of the table. “Everybody, help yourselves.”

  “Let's just all share appetizers. It's easier that way,” Beck commented.

  “Works for me.” I pushed my basket of fried halibut bites to the center of the table and snagged a few fries.

  “What's winter like where you're from?” Chase asked Rowan.

  “We definitely have winter. I don't think it gets as cold in the Blue Ridge Mountains as it does here. We might get more ice, though, because we get the freeze-thaw thing all winter long. It’s damn annoying,” Rowan replied.

  “We definitely get ice, but once winter hits, it stays pretty cold here. We get what we call snow roads. It’s usually too cold for the salt to melt the ice.”

  Rowan's brows hitched up. “Damn, that's cold.”

  Levi chuckled. “You get used to it. If you can deal with hotshot firefighting in the mountains, you can deal with winter here. Plus, it's not like the northern part of Alaska, where it's dark all winter long. The days get shorter, but we don't lose the sun completely.”

  Rowan flashed a rare grin and nodded. He'd been with us about a month now, and I'd come to learn he was the quiet sort with flashes o
f humor here and there. He noticed every detail too. He was good with strategy when we had to plan quickly out in the field. “How'd you end up here again? You know Remy, right?”

  Rowan nodded. “Yep. I know Remy and also Delilah Taylor.”

  “She’s with Alex Blake,” Beck commented.

  “Yep. They met through Remy,” Rowan confirmed.

  “If you haven’t met Nate Fox yet, he's one of the guys who flies us out to the backcountry sometimes. His wife, Holly, is Alex’s twin sister,” I offered.

  Rowan nodded. “I met Holly when she came out to visit in North Carolina.”

  At that moment, Remy came walking by, pausing at our table. “Hey, guys.” He clapped Rowan on the shoulder. “You doin’ all right?”

  Rowan looked up. “Doing great. These guys are telling me I can handle winter. You've done a North Carolina winter and now several here. What do you think?”

  Remy chuckled. “Cold is cold is cold. Once it gets to a certain temperature, it's all the same to me.”

  “You joining us?” I asked.

  Remy shook his head. “Nah, I’m having dinner with Rachel over in the restaurant. Speaking of, I better get over there, or I might be late.” He spun away, walking backward and looking at Rowan. “You know where to reach me if you need anything.”

  “Small world. Seems like Alaska is full of transplants,” Rowan observed.

  “On firefighter crews, plenty of people move,” Ward commented. “Might as well while you're young enough to handle the job.”

  Rowan nodded. “True story.”

  At that second, I heard a voice and felt a prickle on the back of my neck. Without even looking, I knew Paisley had just walked in. Beck put two fingers between his teeth and whistled.

  “Maisie here?” I asked with a grin.

  He nodded. “Of course. I told her to meet us here. She's got Paisley and Susannah with her.”

  At that, Ward spun in his chair, a slow smile stretching across his face.

  “Wait a minute, shouldn't you guys all be home with your kids?” I asked.

  “Our kids are in the same place. When you have a good babysitter, you all take the night off,” Beck replied.

  Levi interjected, “Lucy's home. She didn't want to come out. I told her I wouldn't be late, though.”

  “Are you ever late going home?” I teased.

  “Hell no. I try to stay on Lucy's good side at all times.”

  “I don't think it's that much trouble for you,” Ward said with a chuckle.

  Maisie appeared at the table with Susannah and Paisley, and we shuffled our chairs around. I was debating whether it was worse for her to sit beside me or across from me when Ward scooted over and patted the chair beside him. “Here you go.”

  Then there she was, immediately beside me. I glanced over, cautiously bracing myself for the jolt sure to hit my system. All I had to do was look at her, and my body felt struck by a fiery bolt of lightning. It was always hot and quick.

  “How's it going?” I asked, thinking I should’ve known it wasn't safe to come out and meet the guys. Too many of them were paired up with women who’d befriended Paisley.

  “Good,” Paisley said, her tone curt.

  “Have you been here before?” Susannah asked as she leaned around Ward. Her strawberry curls bounced on her shoulders.

  Paisley shook her head. “I've seen it, just hadn't gotten around to stopping here. It's always busy.”

  Susannah said something in response to Paisley, but I didn't even register it. Paisley’s scent drifted up to me. I didn't know what the hell she washed her hair with. I’d never noticed the scent of a woman's hair before, but hers had this subtle berry smell. It was at odds with her tomboy look. And, somehow, that made it all the more appealing.

  “Russell?” Ward's voice prompted.

  I leaned back in my chair to look around Paisley. “Yeah?”

  “I was just asking if your mom still has that rental,” he clarified.

  “Nope, Paisley's renting it.”

  Ward's gray eyes bounced from me to Paisley and back again, his brows hitching slightly. “Ah, so you’re roommates.”

  Paisley interjected, “I wouldn't call us roommates. It's basically two separate apartments with a shared kitchen.”

  I didn't know why, but the fact she felt the need to make that point annoyed the hell out of me. “That's basically roommates,” I added.

  Ward looked from me to Paisley again, a grin teasing at the corners of his mouth. “Well then, I was just asking because Rowan's looking for a place.”

  I glanced over at Rowan. “I didn't know that.”

  “I'm set for the moment. Delilah and Alex are letting me rent the apartment above their garage, but I'd like a little more space eventually.”

  “It’s hard to find rentals around here,” Paisley commented. “Trust me, I looked for two months.”

  She practically vibrated with tension beside me, and I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from saying something sarcastic. The conversation moved along with people chatting about town, about work, and so on. Meanwhile, I couldn't keep my focus off Paisley. I tried to ignore her, but it was nearly impossible with her sitting right beside me. At one point, she leaned over, and her arm brushed against mine. The subtle, barely-there touch felt like jagged electricity shooting up my arm. This was crazy. I reminded myself again and again about her point. It was not smart for me to want her. I shouldn't have kissed her. Not that it was entirely my fault. She was the one who got so close I couldn't resist. My critical mind rolled its eyes at that. Whatever. I would have to figure out how to deal.

  All in all, it was a usual night with friends at the bar. We chatted about work, commiserated about a few things, and I noticed a distinction as the conversation carried on. Only me, Rowan, Chase, and Paisley weren't in committed relationships. Everyone else was settled down. Maybe they hadn't had kids yet, but they were on the way. I wasn't sure what I wanted from life, but I didn't know how much longer I wanted to keep things the way they were.

  Yet, every time I thought about settling down, which my mom had been yammering at me about lately, I felt antsy. I knew what it was like to lose someone. Not because I'd been in love before, but because I’d responded to the call that ended with me finding my father dead. That had sent me spinning. My parents had been the real deal. They’d actually loved each other. My mom was still coming out of her grief, and I’d been devastated. It felt as if life had sideswiped me.

  Sometimes, I wondered why I hadn't simply left town. The only reason I hadn't was the very reason I wanted to run: my father. He would’ve wanted me to be here for my mom but also to do right by my own life. He knew how much I loved firefighting, and that I had followed in his footsteps because of it. I couldn't let him down even though he wasn't here anymore.

  Restless with my thoughts, I drained my beer and glanced around the table. “I'm gonna call it a night. Good to see everyone.” I stood, waving at the chorus of goodbyes. I felt Paisley's eyes on me. Even though I knew it wasn't smart, I looked down and braced myself for that sizzle of electricity between us. The air crackled with it, and I felt the searing heat race through me. I turned away and strode outside quickly. As I drove home, I wondered how long she would stay out, then immediately berated myself for it.

  Chapter Twelve

  Paisley

  My footsteps crunched on the gravel as I walked toward my car. It was parked at the edge of the parking lot, which ran parallel to the lake. I walked to the front of my car, stopping where the gravel met the grass. There was a frost tonight, and the grass crunched under my boots. I took a few steps farther and leaned my head back to look up at the stars glittering in the inky night. They felt so close here as if I could reach up and touch them.

  My breath misted in the air, and I breathed in a deep gulp of the crisp late autumn air. Lowering my gaze, I looked out across the lake. The water rippled under the shimmer of light cast from the lodge behind me. There were houses sc
attered along the lake’s shores, their lights peeking through the trees. I tried to place where Russell's house was, but I wasn't exactly sure.

  Just thinking about the house sent a wash of heat through me and my thoughts spun to Russell. I just couldn't seem to turn off my attraction to him. It didn't matter that it wasn't sensible or that it annoyed the living hell out of me. I could only hope it would wear off soon. With one last look at the sky, I climbed in my car and drove home.

  I turned the word “home” over in my thoughts. I didn't really know where my home was. Once upon a time, I’d loved the small town where I grew up in Washington. My hometown was in the foothills of the Cascade Mountains, beautiful and lush. My dad was the county district attorney and proud of his work, while my mother loved her florist business and puttered in greenhouses all year long. Growing up, my brother and I had been close even though he was two years older than me. Aside from the common complaints about his teasing and occasionally being obnoxious, he was a good brother.

  At least, he had been. It wasn't that he was a bad brother now, but I was tired of keeping his secrets. Secrets I'd stumbled across by accident. Secrets that had driven me to live anywhere but my small hometown. It was true that I wanted to travel and see more of the world. I loved being a firefighter, and Alaska was a clarion call in the distance that drew me. It was also true that I’d been impatient to get out of town once I knew my brother’s secrets and knew that he knew that I knew. Too much knowledge tangled up between us, and all of it was a secret from our parents.

  I still wasn't exactly sure how my brother had ended up in his position. He'd partied hard in college, but I hadn't realized he'd started dealing designer drugs. He told me it was extremely lucrative, and he had a handle on it. He told me he wouldn't get in trouble. He swore up and down he wasn’t using himself. Oddly, I believed that detail, if only because he was somehow managing to do that, while also working as an accountant. He was always on top of things, and I’d never once seen him anything other than stone cold sober.