Melt My Heart

by Anna Cove

  And why did she keep thinking about Laura?

  It was better before she had met her. Then she had been able to focus on work and Better Together and the occasional shift at The Snuggery. That was it. Now she was distracted, unable to focus on calls and incapable of forcing herself to schedule meetings with the Better Together kids. It was all because of Laura.

  It had been nice making a new friend. Dylan couldn't deny the feelings of hope that had sprouted within her. Laura had been new and shiny. Dylan had missed the consuming getting-to-know-you stage of a relationship, though she hadn't realized it was something she missed until she felt it again.

  But Katie.

  Katie.

  Maybe Dylan should have told Laura everything up front. But if she had, it would have unraveled the tightly wound string around her heart and left her spinning like a top. What if Laura didn't react in a way Dylan found appropriate? What if she did?

  She had no idea what she would have done, and she had no idea what to do now.

  Her eyes focused on the side of the road as they made their way out of town to the gym. Suddenly, the urge to see Katie smothered everything else.

  "Take the next right," Dylan said, her voice craggy with disuse.

  Sky, who had been leaving her alone to sing Katy Perry at the top of her lungs, stopped singing and blinked at her. "Why?"

  "Please, just do it, Sky."

  "We'll be late for practice."

  "When was the last time you cared about being late?"

  "Hey. I open the shop on time every day."

  Dylan stared at her. "Please," she whispered.

  Something in her voice must have convinced Sky to do what she asked because for once, Sky didn't question her. She turned off the music and took the road Dylan suggested. She kept stealing questioning glances at Dylan, but Dylan didn't return them.

  "Take the next left."

  Soon after the turn, a long wrought iron fence spun out on their right. Beyond the fence a green pasture, broken up by winding roads that were little better than cow paths and rows and rows of headstones, stretched out. A white monument rose up in the middle like a homing beacon.

  "Turn in here," Dylan said.

  The sound of the signal filled the silence of the car. They drove toward the monument. Then, without further direction, Sky navigated the winding paths toward their destination and stopped in front of a simple marble grave.

  She shut off the car. "Want me to come with you?"

  Dylan shook her head, afraid that if she spoke, she would break down, the weight was so heavy on her shoulders.

  "Take your time," Sky said.

  Dylan took in a long breath, held it, and opened the door.

  She hadn't noticed how cool it was this morning when she'd left. She was wearing only her workout top and compression shorts, and the skin on her arms prickled with goose bumps. She didn't mind. She wouldn't be there long.

  She squatted by the stone. Someone had planted marigolds a long time ago, but they were dead, their stems and flower heads withered and flattened on the ground. She pulled them out and tossed them beside the stone. Then she brushed off the dirt from the bottom of the grave.

  "Hi, Katie," she whispered, still looking at the ground around the stone rather than the grave. She wondered if she was stepping on her body. She couldn't remember. "I'm sorry I haven't been to visit you for a while. It's nothing personal."

  I just really hate your new digs. A smile died on her lips. Three years and it was still too soon to joke.

  "How are things?" Dylan shook her head. "This is ridiculous. Why do people do this? You aren't here. Your body might be but you're gone."

  Shocker. Katie didn't reply. The sounds of the graveyard filled the silence. Baby birds chirped in a tree limb above her. It was twilight, and a soft breeze tickled the leaves. Life. There was so much life here, just not the life she really wanted.

  "I've made a mess, Kate. I wish you were here to help me fix it." Dylan's fingers traced the engraved letters, so definite, so permanent in the stone.

  Katherine Billabee 1986 - 2017

  It was so simple, so formal, so hard-edged, so unlike the soft and yielding body of Katie. Dylan could still remember how it felt to hug her, to lie in her arms on a cold winter morning, sharing warmth with her, the sun beaming down on them from the tall south-facing windows of the cabin. How could that only be in her memory? How could that have been three years ago?

  "You were always the one to make the decisions. You decided to move here. You found the cabin—the perfect cabin for us—you found the furniture. YOU. And then you left. Why did you have to leave?" Tears welled in Dylan's eyes. "Damn it, Katie. Answer me."

  A robin landed a few feet away, drawing Dylan's attention. It fluttered its wings and flew up into the young maple tree next to her.

  Dylan laughed as a single tear fell. She sniffed, wiping at the tear. "Now you got me talking to a stone and a few bones. Look what you did to me."

  The bird quirked its head.

  "Now I'm supposed to believe you're a bird? Is this how you plan to get me on the woo-woo train? Are you and Sky in cahoots?"

  The robin flew up to a nest high in the maple tree. It was getting brighter, time was passing, and Dylan still hadn't done what she'd come here to do.

  "I have to tell you something, Katie, and I want you... if you have something to say about it... I want you to give me a sign."

  She rested her fingers on the stone but felt nothing different.

  "I've met someone. And we kissed. And I keep thinking about her."

  Suddenly, someone yelled, and a volley of bullets shot off in the distance. Then she heard the same repeated. Her heart froze, she scrambled to her feet and practically jumped back in the car.

  "Did you hear that?" she asked.

  "It's Memorial Day, Dylan. They're shooting off the guns at six AM at all the town cemeteries."

  "Oh." Dylan placed a hand over her thumping heart, still trying to catch her breath.

  As her breath slowed, she realized what had just happened. She had asked Katie for a sign, and it had come in the form of a volley of bullets. Well, if that wasn't a sign, she didn't know what was. It was clear Katie didn't like what Dylan had told her. She had her answer. The moment the thought occurred to her, though, she felt sadder than she had in years. Her grief was an underlying thing, always there at a low level. But this sadness was more acute, more painful.

  Dylan was able to power through her crew workouts like usual. Also, like usual, she managed to avoid speaking to everyone and slip into the showers while the rest of them chatted. No one bothered to try to engage her in conversation. She'd done too well establishing her aloofness, and must have been giving off a particularly strong don't-talk-to-me vibe that morning as everyone gave her a wide berth.

  But when she emerged from the showers, towel wrapped around her torso, she just about ran into the one person she couldn't evade.

  Skylar.

  Sky had her dreads tied back and still wore her tight shorts and tank top. She was short, but muscular, and her skin glowed with sweat. A stray thought entered Dylan's mind. I wonder why she isn't dating anyone. She who is always playing the matchmaker.

  "Do you want to talk?" she asked.

  Dylan brushed by her and made her way to her locker. She opened it up and found her comb, running it through her hair.

  Sky followed. "I'm not going to force you, but I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm your woman."

  "I kissed Laura." Dylan placed her comb back in her locker, very carefully, staring at it as if it was going to fly away if she didn't. Seconds ticked by in silence. Skylar was quiet for so long that Dylan closed her locker to check if she was still there. She was standing there slack-jawed.

  "What?"

  "Two things," Skylar said. "One, you just told me something about your romantic life. And two, that something is that you made a move on someone. A celebrity."

  "She's just
a person. And it's not like that between us."

  "But you want it to be."

  Dylan glanced around the gym, but there was no need since it was empty. It was just the two of them. The rest of the team were still upstairs planning for the parade later that morning. She sank down onto the bench, refastening the towel under her arms. "I don't know. I don't know if it's the right time or place or person. We had a fight."

  "About what?"

  "Katie. I don't even know how Laura found out about her, but she started asking me questions and the next thing I knew I was saying fuck you and storming out. It was not good."

  Skylar took the space next to Dylan. Now that Dylan had started talking there was so much she wanted to say. The words piled up in her throat, but they didn't make sense. Before her brain could sort through them properly, Skylar spoke.

  "You hadn't told her about Katie?"

  "It didn't seem like any of her business at the time, or that it had anything to do with our relationship."

  "But it did. It does. Katie's death shaped you. You see that now, right?"

  Skylar spoke so gently and tenderly, so different from her usual loud-mouthed talk, that Dylan felt herself melting toward her. Wanting to lean on her. All the walls she'd put up between them started to crumble.

  "I don't know," she said. "I don't know what to do. What if Laura isn't the right person? What if I commit to her and it doesn't work out?"

  "You'll never know if you don't try," said Sky. "None of us do. We can't know the ending, or if there is going to be one, until we go through the relationship. As the great and wise Alanis Morissette says, 'The only way out is through.'"

  Dylan scratched her nose. "Isn't that Robert Frost or Shakespeare or something?"

  "No, I'm pretty sure it was Alanis Morissette. She's a genius. Anyway. What was I saying? Oh yeah." She placed her hand on Dylan's bare knee and gave it a squeeze. "If you feel something for her, it's time you take the leap."

  "But how do I know?"

  Skylar dropped her hand and rolled her eyes. "You can't know. That's the thing. You never know. Haven't you been listening?"

  Yes. Dylan had been listening, she just didn't believe her. There had to be a way to know beforehand, a feeling. Something. She'd known with Katie, hadn't she? The first time she'd met Katie she'd known she would marry her. Then she did.

  How had she felt about Laura? Intrigued, and she cared for her now, but was that enough? Where was the arrow that pointed straight at someone saying this is the one? Dylan didn't feel comfortable jumping without it. Maybe she'd used up all her arrows in life. Maybe she was destined to be alone forever.

  "Earlier this morning I asked Katie to give me a sign if she didn't want me to be with Laura, and the guns went off."

  Skylar didn't laugh at Dylan's statement, as if it was perfectly normal to converse with dead people. "I'm guessing you took that as a sign that you shouldn't be with Laura."

  "What else was I supposed to think?"

  "Well, how did you feel when you took that as a sign?"

  Dylan didn't have to think about her answer. "Miserable. Like I'd already lost a friend."

  "Maybe that's your sign."

  It seemed awful vague to be a sign, and she hated to put so much stock in her feelings. They had only led her to shut down in the past. "I don't know."

  Skylar sought out Dylan's gaze with her chocolate brown eyes. "Do you trust Laura?"

  Dylan shrugged. "I think so."

  "Well, if you don't know there's a way to find out. First, apologize to her for that fuck you. Then tell her about Katie. Take that tiny next step. Even if you're just friends, keeping such a huge part of your life from her is essentially a lie. You don't want to build a relationship on that. Plus, telling her is not committing to her. All you have to do is take the next step and see where it goes."

  Dylan stood, stretching the tired muscles of her back. Skylar had a point and Dylan had to admit her suggestion was perfectly reasonable. "I wish I could see into the future."

  "I've offered to give you a reading before."

  "So, you can tell me I'm going to live a long life and have seventeen kids?"

  "So I can tell you you'll be happy again someday." Those words hit Dylan right in the gut, but Skylar didn't realize it and kept on talking. "I'm serious. I have a feeling about these things, and for what it's worth, I see you two getting along exceptionally well if you give it a chance."

  "Thanks. Now go take a shower because you're stinking up the locker room."

  Sky gave her a little whack on the ass with her towel and made her way to the showers, and Dylan was left alone with her thoughts. She hated to admit it, but maybe Sky was right.

  Maybe she'd just misread the signs.

  LATER THAT MORNING, Dylan lined up with the crew team for the Memorial Day parade. It was almost nine, the sky a clear blue. It was supposed to be ninety degrees that day and it was already heading there, the humidity heavy in the air.

  Good old global warming.

  Up ahead, the streets of Love Falls were lined with people two to three deep. Dylan hadn't wanted to come, had even told her team she had a prior engagement, but that was before she'd spoken to Sky and realized Laura might be there. Why not? Half the town was.

  The pre-parade prep area was crowded with people, and Dylan was stuck right in the middle. She realized her error after a few minutes of other people gathering around her like layers of a cinnamon bun. She would never find Laura here. But Skylar had linked her arm through Dylan's elbow and she was playing the let's guess who will get together next game. Dylan only gave her enough feedback to keep her occupied. Otherwise, she kept lifting on her tiptoes, hoping to catch a glimpse of Laura.

  Just before the parade was set to march, she felt a tug on the sleeve of her shirt. She whirled around, dragging a tripping Skylar with her.

  "Hi Jo," Dylan said.

  "What are you—hey Jo! Nice threads," Sky said, managing to right herself again. "Why didn't you tell me you were a scout?"

  Jo wore a Girl Scout uniform and her hair pulled tight into, Dylan surmised, ironic pigtails that sat high on her head. The tan vest was too big for her, like someone had bought it thinking she'd grow into it. Jo plucked at the hem and scowled, chomping on a large wad of bubblegum. "My mother thinks I'll learn how to be a girl by joining the Girl Scouts."

  "I'm guessing by the number of badges you have it's working," Sky said, waggling her eyebrows.

  Jo put a hand up by her mouth and leaned forward, as if sharing a secret. "Ma thinks they're in cooking and sewing and all that shit. She doesn't care enough to ask questions, and I don't tell her what they are." She straightened, pulling the bottom of her vest outward so she could see. "This one is for coding games, this one is for cybersecurity, this is for photography, and this is for public policy. I figure if I have to be there, I might as well make the best of it."

  "That's mature of you," Dylan said. And nothing at all like Dylan at that age. She would have been trying to get herself kicked out, unable to see past her mother forcing her to do something that took up valuable time.

  The crowd shifted around her and Dylan stood up on her tiptoes to scan the newly revealed area.

  "Hey, are you okay?" Jo asked, frowning in Dylan's direction. "You seem distracted lately."

  "I'm not distracted."

  "We haven't had a Better Together meeting in weeks and summer is getting closer. The carnival..."

  Shit. Time had been passing in a weird way lately. Every day felt like a climb up a vast, steep mountain, while looking back it was actually the reverse—like she'd been pushed down by an avalanche during the past two weeks. She had missed things at work, too, she knew. It was time to get herself together.

  Maybe she should take a page out of Jo's book and make the best of her current situation.

  She gave up searching for Laura and really looked at Jo, meeting her gaze. "You're right. I promise I'll do better. Why don't we meet Wednesday night at The Snugge
ry? I'll buy you all dessert as an apology."

  "Fine, but I'm getting the most expensive dessert available."

  "Excellent."

  Another Girl Scout popped out of the crowd, smiled as soon as she saw Jo, and snaked her arm around Jo's waist. She was a petite little thing, with platinum blonde hair and big sky-blue eyes that stared up into Jo's face.

  "I'm so glad you're here." Jo kissed the girl on the nose, her features lit up in a way Dylan had never seen, but totally recognized. "I can introduce all my favorite people to one another. Dylan, Sky, this is Olivia. Olivia, meet Dylan and Sky, the two coolest people in Love Falls."

  Sky preened. "Thank you, Jo. Nice to meet you, Olivia."

  "It's nice to meet you as well." Olivia smiled, revealing a row of perfectly straight white teeth.

  "Sky owns The Snuggery," Jo supplied. "Olivia is new in town and still getting to know the area."

  "Oh, I hope you'll join Better Together then," Dylan said.

  "I'd love to," said Olivia. "Jo has told me all about it. I moved from Chicago so it's... different here."

  "I can imagine," Dylan said. "Jo, give her my contact information. You can call me anytime if you need to talk to someone or have a problem."

  "Dylan is a nine-one-one operator. That's how we first met. I called her when my dad had his heart attack, and then tracked her down and brought her brownies to thank her for her help, and then one thing led to another... and we formed the Better Together group."

  "Wow." Olivia's eyes widened, if that was possible. She briefly glanced at Dylan, but it was as if she couldn't tear her gaze away from Jo for more than a second.

  It made Dylan's heart sing to see them together like that. Maybe Jo wasn't as much like Dylan as she'd thought. If she already a girlfriend at the age of sixteen, then she was almost a decade ahead of Dylan.

  The parade wranglers were trying to get everyone's attention, yelling at the edges of the crowd. Dylan nudged Jo. "You better get back to your place in line. Nice to meet you, Olivia. See you both Wednesday?"

  "Bye." Jo waved. "See you in a couple days. And if you cancel, I'm dragging you to The Snuggery with my bare hands." She put her arm around Olivia's shoulders. The last thing Dylan saw of them was Olivia's head tipping onto Jo's shoulder.