Melt My Heart

by Anna Cove

  Dylan was about to leave, to give up and find a cheap hotel room, or maybe even take the train back home—she was annoyed enough—when her phone dinged.

  I'm so so so sorry. Cal has me running my pitch and it's just not there yet. Can you do me a favor? Can you pick up Aaron at Pret A Manger on the corner? His nanny has another engagement.

  Dylan started typing out a message, but as her fingers were shaking with anger, she dialed Laura's number instead.

  "I can only talk for a second. Do you think you can pick him up?" Laura said without preamble.

  Dylan went silent. If she spoke, she didn't know what would come out of her mouth, and she didn't really want to yell at Laura. Not really. This sucked. The whole situation sucked. But it was Friday and they had the whole weekend in front of them and she didn't want to start it with a snide comment.

  "I can do that," she finally said.

  "Thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay. I've gotta—"

  "Laura wait," Dylan said quickly. "Can you talk to your doorman? He's not letting me up to your apartment and if I'm going to have Aaron I can't be hanging out in the lobby for the rest of the night."

  "Put him on."

  Dylan silently handed the phone to the doorman. Too many words. She hadn't been able to stop the sharpness from entering her tone with so many words. Still, Laura hadn't commented. She hadn't even apologized, not really. Not with her voice. And that was when Dylan began to worry. Had Laura changed in some fundamental way? Was this what she was really like? She said she'd been looking forward to seeing Dylan, and now she had blown her off for hours. What did that say about her priorities, about their future?

  The doorman had turned away from her and was talking on about the rules, but then he paused and voiced his assent. He handed the phone back to Dylan. "I'll let you in when you come back with Baby Aaron."

  Dylan brought the phone to her ear, turning away from him. "What time will you be home?" she asked, her voice cold. She hated that tone.

  "I don't know. I'm sorry."

  Dylan shook her head. If she had known, she could have come later. She wouldn't have wasted hours sitting in a lobby.

  "I promise I'll make it up to you, okay? After tonight I'm all yours."

  "I'll see you later." Dylan hung up her phone and slipped it into her pocket. She asked the doorman to stash her things. He agreed. As she walked out into the heavy summer air, she tried to calm her anger. Aaron, certainly, didn't deserve that part of her.

  But none of the breathing and stomping worked. Her brain kept going over the same questions. The moment she saw Aaron, though, and he smiled at her with those big round eyes and his gummy mouth, the anger melted away.

  "Bottles are in the fridge," the nanny said, barely looking up from her phone. She started walking away. "Tell Laura I'll be back Monday."

  How did she know Dylan wasn't a crazy person come to steal the baby? Maybe she would have to have a talk with Laura about who she had hired. Maybe she should talk to this woman about the responsibility she had in caring for this precious baby. It was her job. But by the time she had found the words, the woman had already disappeared around the bend. And she decided to let it go.

  "Looks like it's just you and me, little man," Dylan said. "Hopefully mama will be home soon."

  But Dylan knew what they said about hope. You could hope in one hand and...

  No, she was not going to let this get to her.

  She wasn't.

  DYLAN FELL ASLEEP BEFORE Laura made it home that night.

  Sure, she may have fallen asleep early due to the exhaustion that went along with the bedtime of a four-month-old baby. When his cry woke her, however, Laura was in bed next to her. In the glow of the city light seeping in around the shade, Dylan watched as Laura groaned and sat up. She could see the outline of her hair, of her arms, she wanted to touch her, but before she could clear the cobwebs of sleep, Laura got up and left the room.

  Hours spent with Aaron earlier in the day, followed by food, a shower, and sleep, had softened Dylan's anger. When Laura returned fifteen minutes later, she spoke. "Does he usually wake up at this time?"

  "Four-month sleep regression. He's finally strong enough to break out of his swaddle and cries every time."

  Laura fell face-first into the pillow and said no more. No kiss. No hug. No snuggles. No thank you. No I'm sorry. No Nothing. Dylan went over how much she could have missed in barely a week. Maybe it was her fault. Maybe she hadn't come down to the city fast enough.

  She would just have to speed up her timeline, to wrap up her involvement with Better Together, locate a property manager for the cabin, see what she needed to do to break the lease on the apartment. She made a mental to-do list and fell asleep soon after.

  By the time morning arrived—three wakings later—Dylan could see the toll the week had taken on Laura in person and in the light. Worry supplanted any lingering anger and confusion.

  Laura looked ragged in a way she hadn't even immediately after the baby was born. Circles, dark as a bruise, clouded the freckles under her eyes. Her skin looked paler than usual and had lost the luminescence it held in the mountains. Her face looked thinner, older. She nibbled a nail as she gazed out the window to the city beyond, her plate of scrambled eggs untouched.

  "Are you all right?" Dylan asked.

  "Mmm." Laura tried to smile but Dylan could see right through it. "Yeah, I'm fine. All these nighttime wakings are killing me. I just need more coffee." She rose and poured herself another cup. She took a sip without adding cream or sugar, and her attention drifted away again.

  "If you want, I can take Aaron to the Bronx Zoo alone today. You can have a day to yourself to relax."

  "No, no. I want to go with you. I've never been, and I really could use some quality time with my two favorite people after the week I've had." When she looked at Dylan, Dylan was struck by the hollows of her eyes, as if her eyeballs had sunken back into her face. Laura needed some sleep, and badly. And Dylan needed to get down here for good so she could take on some of the burden.

  "Are you sure?" Dylan asked.

  "Yes," Laura said. "And I don't want to hear another word about it."

  Dylan crossed her arms and leaned back into her chair. Here was Laura's stubborn side on full display. "Fine. But I'm doing all the heavy lifting."

  "Suit yourself. Better for me to watch those arms of yours." Laura pushed off the counter, walked over to Dylan and kissed the top of her head, squeezing her bicep, and for a moment, she was herself again.

  Just as quickly, that self vanished. Not five minutes later, Aaron woke from his morning nap, and it took both of them forty-five minutes to get him changed, packed and ready to go. As they rode in the private car to the zoo, Dylan watched Laura for a clue as to why she was still so far away when she insisted on being so close. Her attention, rather than focused on her adorable son, was out the window. She said she'd wanted to be with them, but she wasn't with them.

  Maybe it'll be better once we get to the zoo, Dylan thought.

  It didn't get better.

  It was a gorgeous day, clear and bright, and Laura was walking around like a zombie in a horror film. She was there, sort of. She answered questions asked of her, but then she would drift off.

  Dylan tried to come up with reasons why she was acting this way. It seemed beyond exhaustion, certainly the exhaustion Dylan was familiar with. Maybe something else was going on at work, something Laura hadn't yet disclosed. That night, in the privacy of their bedroom, with nothing else to distract Laura, she would bring it up. Until then, she would try to pull her out of her head and into the present. She would try to get a piece of her Laura back, rather than this ghost.

  As they walked, Dylan danced and sang for Aaron, and he laughed. It elicited a small smile from Laura. They made their way to the apes. One of them shrieked and Aaron answered with his own little cry and Dylan could see Laura coming back little by little.

  "Look at that little guy. He's a baby just like
you." Dylan pointed at a mother monkey cradling her hairy baby and Aaron seemed to follow her movements.

  He got fussy after that. Laura found a semi-private space to feed him and Dylan stood guard, protecting them, her little family, from anyone who might come along. Then they strapped Aaron back in the carriage and moseyed along to the bears. Milk drunk, Aaron fell asleep, leaving just the two of them alone. There was no longer a buffer between them. No excuses for distraction.

  They paused at the bear enclosure.

  "Remember how you tricked me into coming back to the cabin by saying that a bear broke into the house? I can't believe I fell for that."

  Laura chuckled. Then turned her face away from Dylan. Dylan couldn't see what she was doing at first, but then Laura turned back and slid something into her pocket. Her phone. She was checking her phone.

  Dylan decided to give her a pass. "I mean. There are bears around Big Badger. I've seen one myself crossing the road less than a mile from the cabin, but one breaking into the house? No way."

  "It worked, didn't it?"

  "Yep. It did." Now Dylan was the one who needed a bear to get Laura to come back to her. Maybe not a bear. Maybe all she needed was to be straightforward with her. Now. "What's going on with you, Laura? You can tell me anything, you know."

  Laura opened her mouth, then pulled out her phone. Her mouth drew down in a frown as she glanced at Dylan. "I'm so sorry I have to take this."

  "It's your day off. Can't you just—"

  Laura answered, blocking her opposite ear with a finger. She strode away from Dylan toward a building that had a bathroom sign on the front. Dylan felt like she had a rope around her lungs and Laura was pulling and pulling on it, making it tighter as she walked away. Her face flushed with heat. The only thing that kept her from running was the fact that she had the baby to look after. And thinking about the little bundle for just a few moments grounded her enough so that instead of anger, she worried more.

  She worried that Laura was working herself to death. She worried that they weren't going to make it through Laura's dream job. She worried Cal was going to blow all this up.

  But what could Dylan say? This project was important to Laura. How could Dylan be the one to jeopardize her chance by demanding more attention?

  She couldn't.

  Laura returned, telling Dylan that they'd had an emergency and she had to go, and because Dylan didn't want to be the one to destroy her dream, she shooed her off.

  Laura hesitated. "Are you okay with Aaron? There are still bottles in the fridge."

  "Yes, we're old hats at this now." Dylan made a mental note to bring up the nanny issue when Laura returned that night. She'd forgotten until Laura had said the same thing the nanny had.

  "I'll take the subway. You can have the car. I'll see you tonight."

  And just like that she was gone.

  When Laura arrived home, she flirted with her, promising sex. Dylan pulled away from a lingering kiss and dashed to the bathroom to freshen up. By the time she returned, Laura was asleep.

  "It's only for now," Dylan whispered to herself. "She took care of you and drew you out when you were unreachable, now it's time to do that for her."

  Dylan covered Laura with a sheet and kissed her hair.

  At least she smells the same, she thought to herself. She curled up next to Laura's curved body and drifted off to sleep with the exhaustion of the day.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  THE WEEKEND WITH DYLAN had passed too quickly. By the time she'd left with a quick kiss Sunday night, Laura already missed her. She felt like she hadn't even seen her, like she'd been too distracted with work to ever really look at her. And how many times had they touched all weekend? Barely at all.

  Laura had hoped this weekend would refresh her, but she had ended up working through it. It had only left her more tired. She took an extra half hour to get ready Monday morning, holding Aaron with the extra time. He was the only thing that anchored her to the moment, as she constantly felt like she was drifting away. She hadn't had enough of these moments with him lately. She would have to make more. She needed to make more time, or the ache she was feeling in her gut might threaten to overcome her.

  When she arrived at their new offices, Cal wasn't there yet. She was happy for the time to just work on the project by herself, without him drilling her on it, without his input. He had never tried to insert himself into the creative process with her documentary shorts, but this time he'd insisted. The emergency on Saturday had been him getting one of the busiest emergency call-takers in the city on the phone, and the only reason Laura wasn't mad at him for contacting her on the weekend was because it was such a huge get. This project was a big deal for both of them. It was bigger than she had anticipated when she'd thought of the idea, but it was coming together nicely.

  And it had all started with Dylan.

  Her heart fell as she realized she hadn't even gotten a chance to talk about that this weekend. How her whole project was going to be centered around 9-1-1 operators in the state. About how she would follow their calls and see what they dealt with every day. About how Dylan was the inspiration for all this. Why hadn't she told her?

  It seemed so long ago that Dylan had talked Laura through her own trauma. She had almost forgotten. How could she have forgotten something so fundamental to her and Aaron's life? Then it clicked into place. She'd been looking for the perfect introduction to the series. Her personal story was it. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. That's how she had originally conceived of this project, after all. She would go and film Dylan and that way they'd be able to spend some time together in Love Falls. People loved authenticity these days. Their story, Laura's personal story, was the perfect fit.

  She was so excited that when Cal came into the office, she practically tackled him. "I've got it."

  "Got what?" he asked. "Did you make coffee yet?"

  "Nope. Brought some from home." Laura bounced on her toes. "Plus, I'm too excited for coffee. I've got the perfect start to the series."

  "It's way too early for this, Lo." Cal touched his forehead and squinted in her direction, as if he was looking through a mist. He often came in like this these days, bleary and distracted, hung over, probably, though he never talked about his nights. Laura was grateful for that as they probably included Sydney, and that was a topic they hadn't hashed out yet. It was better, as of now, to pretend Sydney didn't exist.

  While he disappeared into the kitchenette, Laura did some more brainstorming on her introduction. She planned out the first few minutes, writing her voiceover on the spot. After struggling for so long to find just the right start to the series, this almost felt divinely inspired. Like she was just transcribing what someone else was writing. Yet, it was fully her. And when she read it over, it was smooth and rhythmic and needed very little editing. She got so lost in the writing, that she was unaware Cal was standing behind her until he cleared his throat.

  "I need to talk to you about something," he said.

  She spun in her chair. When she saw the look on his face, the excited tension that had been shooting out of her imploded around her lungs. It was the same look he'd had when he'd broken her favorite chair in college. When he'd spilled Chardonnay on her cream duvet. When the tabloids had published pictures of her violent outburst.

  This was not good.

  "What is it?" she asked, bracing herself. "Give it to me straight."

  "The network doesn't like this idea."

  "What?" Laura shot up from her chair. "I thought I had full creative control. That means I get to choose what I want to do."

  "They think it's too logistically complicated. It'll cost too much money to follow these stories. Too many people involved, yada yada."

  "No, no, no. This is the story I want to tell Cal. This is it. This is my thing. Let me in there. I'll convince them it's the right thing to do."

  "What about covering something more exciting? Maybe... I don't know... researching a pa
ndemic. Or focusing on that one serial killer guy, what's his name, the Top Hat Strangler? Or... or... here's an idea. You could do one of those adorable animal documentaries."

  "This is why I come up with the ideas." Laura sank back into her chair and swiveled around to face her laptop. The only reason she had come down to the city, the only thing that got her to leave the mountains and Dylan had been the offer of full creative control. Now, they wanted to take that back?

  It had been little more than a week since she had arrived, but it had already been too much. She'd missed the first time Aaron had rolled over. She missed Dylan. She missed the fresh mountain air, and the friendly people in Love Falls, and being able to walk out her door and hike and sit on the grass. Slowly, she stood.

  "Where are you going?"

  "I don't think I can do this, Cal. It's not what I imagined it to be."

  Cal's coffee cup thunked down on the table. He ran to her and caught her shoulder. "You're quitting? Leaving a deal like this on the table?"

  "It's not worth it if I can't use my idea."

  The gears behind Cal's eyes cranked. She could see the mechanism moving, see him reaching for something. "Well, what if we look at the nine-one-one calls associated with famous serial killers?"

  Laura folded her arms and shook her head. "That's not what this is about. It's about everyday people."

  As she spoke, her passion for the topic revived. This was something people needed to know about. It was something people would want to know about. "This is good television, Cal, I know it. Let me pitch the execs."

  Something passed behind Cal's eyes that Laura couldn't read. This had happened a few times since she'd been back. She chalked it up to the time away and getting used to working together in this new way. But now she wondered if it wasn't something else. Where had he been last night that had him coming in mid-morning, looking like this?

  If he doesn't agree to this, she thought, I'll walk.

  She waited for the answer, patient, though it was a question that would determine the rest of her life. When had she learned this patience? The question barely occurred to her before she knew the answer. Dylan. Dylan had made her a better person. The next time she saw her she would tell her that. Next time, no matter the answer here, would be a better visit than last time.