Club Zombie 1-4

by Z. Allora

  “Yes, today my gender expression—gender expression has to do with my outward appearance… my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. Today I am dressed more on the female side if you buy into the binary.” Susan paced as she spoke. “You wouldn’t know if I didn’t share my gender identity with you. I tend to dress in more female clothing, but this is simply a costume. In my head, I’m much more what society considers male.”

  Ethan touched his heart and shook his head. “Forgive me, I don’t think I understand.”

  “It’s different for everyone. I don’t fit into the female box society has created. It’s a constant drain remembering to act female. I can do that, and sometimes I even want to do it, but in my head I’m more male if you go by the binary.”

  Ethan leaned forward and seemed to take the information in. “Why doesn’t that make you transgender?”

  Susan shrugged. “I fall under the umbrella term of transgender, but I think you’re asking why I don’t see myself as a transguy, right?”

  Ethan shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t understand….”

  She glanced around the room. “For me personally, I’m perfectly okay with my body, but I’ve never had the same feelings other people assigned female at birth supposedly have. The maternal instinct, wanting to play with girly things. When they speak I don’t identify with what they’re saying.”

  Leaning forward more, Ethan squinted. “I don’t mean to personalize this to you, and don’t feel pressed to answer, but where does the transmasculine part come from?”

  Wow, Ethan spoke with such care to the teenager. Maybe there was hope for him.

  Susan tilted her head. “Hmmm, I guess I have to think about how someone assigned female at birth would act or respond. Acting that way doesn’t come naturally to me. And for me, when I get off, in my fantasies I’m usually in the male role.”

  “Oh, um… thanks.” Ethan squirmed a bit.

  The guy across the room shook his head. “You’re a girl.”

  “I was assigned female at birth, but I’m nonbinary.” Susan stared at him.

  He folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t get it. You’re born a girl. You look like a girl. How can you say you’re not a girl?”

  William stepped right in front of the young guy with his arms folded, and asked, “Are you transphobic?”

  “No… I can’t be. I’m gay.” The guy made the bold claim like he was hoping to shock William into silence.

  Ethan nodded slightly.

  Mary joined William and chuckled. “You know, the most hurtful thing ever said to me came from a gay guy. So, yeah, gay doesn’t mean you can’t be transphobic.”

  “I’m gay too.” Ethan shook his head and focused on Erick. “I truly don’t want to be transphobic, but I know hurtful things fall out of my mouth—I’m sorry.”

  Tears sprung to Erick’s eyes. Some of Erick’s fury toward Ethan leached off during his admission. Maybe they could get back to a good place.

  “That’s a wonderful acknowledgment. Sometimes we don’t even know we ingested the poison society fed us.” Susan spoke in an encouraging way that was far more forgiving than Erick had been.

  Cole chimed in. “TV, movies, books, and comedians all paint pictures of who they think trans people are, and they’ve gotten us wrong until recently.”

  “Eh, even now some of the presentations suck.” William frowned.

  Susan interjected, “It’s getting better. Understanding starts with seeking information and can grow into acceptance. Any other questions?”

  Someone raised their hand and asked, “What does demisexual mean?”

  Nodding her approval Susan answered, “Demisexuality means you first need an emotional connection with the person before you can experience sexual attraction. Sometimes someone who identifies as demi also may consider themselves on the asexual spectrum.”

  No one raised their hand, so Cole said, “Thank you all for listening.”

  “Thank you, Susan, Cole, Mary, and William. Well done. The room is ours for another hour. Feel free to ask questions or talk, and there’s refreshments in the back. Cole brought us their delicious cookies. Please enjoy.”

  Everyone stood.

  Erick leaned into Cassidy. “I want to touch base with Ethan.”

  “You got this?” Cassidy’s concern wrapped Erick in a protective blanket of love.

  Erick gave him a nod.

  “I’m going to congratulate the kids on the presentation.” Cassidy squeezed Erick’s hand and stepped away, leaving Erick with Ethan.

  Before Ethan could say anything, Keith ambled over. “Glad you came tonight.”

  “Yeah, thanks. I’m simply trying to understand my brother. I’m at a loss. I mean, is he my sister now or… nonbinary, my nonsibling….” Ethan tried to joke, but the thickness in his words said he was overwhelmed.

  Keith put a hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “Let me ask you a simple question.”

  “Sure.” Ethan took a step back, making Keith drop his hand.

  “Is it better to have a dead brother or a happy, alive nonbinary sibling?”

  Ethan’s mouth dropped open, and he stared at Keith before pulling Erick into a hug. “Shit” came out as a sob.

  Erick clung to Ethan. He was alive. Alive. The man didn’t know Erick had experienced what life without his big brother was like. They needed to find a way back to each other.

  “That puts everything into perspective, doesn’t it? Forty-one percent of trans people attempt suicide, but when they find support and acceptance, that number goes way down.” Keith quoted a statistic for Ethan.

  Ethan hugged tighter. “I’m going to do better. I have to figure out how.”

  Keith said, “You’re welcome to come to these meetings.”

  Ethan stopped squeezing the life out of Erick, but still kept an arm around him. “But these meetings are only once a month. I think I need more. I’ve got to figure this out.”

  Erick shouldn’t be shocked. Even with their crappy parents, Ethan had always been there for him.

  “I can give you more,” Keith offered.

  Erick couldn’t help himself. “He’s already got three guys giving him all he can handle.”

  Ethan stumbled back. He scrunched his face at Erick like he had spouted horns. Hmmm, maybe the whole mate thing precluded cheating.

  Keith chuckled. “Good for you. But I only offered to get together and talk. Bring your boyfriends, whatever, I’d be happy to help you get to a better place.”

  “That sounds good. So, why do you do this?” Erick didn’t hide his curiosity.

  “I was such an asshole in high school my nickname became Demon. I bullied kids and did ugly things because I couldn’t accept who I was. I don’t want others to go through the same bullshit. Understanding leads to acceptance. I’m happy to do anything I can to help.” His words were laced with regret and sincerity.

  “I’d like that.” Ethan shook his hand.

  “You can text me and we can find a meeting place.” Keith handed him a card.

  Ethan pocketed the card. “Sounds good. I will.”

  Keith moved on to touch base with some other people.

  Erick didn’t know if his brother’s attempt at reaching out was too good to be true or not, but Ethan appeared to be trying. He appreciated it but—

  Erick lowered his voice. “The whole faked-your-own-death thing hurt. It devastated me. But I want you to understand me better. I want you in my life.”

  “I’d never have hurt you on purpose, ever.”

  Erick desperately wanted to believe his brother.

  Ethan wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat. “Erick, my saying I’m sorry isn’t going to change anything between us. Let me get my head around the gender identity stuff.”

  12

  Storm Brews…

  The night before Erick was due back at school, Cassidy sat in Club Zombie, kissing each of Erick’s perfect long and delicate fingers. Erick sported a sparkly pink polish on each nail. Wanting a stron
ger reaction than Erick’s soft purr, Cassidy flicked his tongue across the tip of Erick’s index finger.

  Erick giggled. “That tickles.”

  “Hmmm?” Cassidy licked Erick’s palm.

  His whole body stiffened, and a moan tore from Erick.

  That’s more like it. Cassidy batted his eyelashes. “I bet that didn’t make you giggle.”

  “Um, no. It doesn’t. Your licks make me hard. I think you might be evil.” Erick pushed his chair closer to Cassidy.

  Cassidy couldn’t help his smug smile. “Very.”

  Erick snorted.

  “Your turn to ask a question.” Cassidy enjoyed this simple getting-to-know-you game Jasper suggested.

  “What do you think about when you masturbate?” Erick’s questions had switched from innocent to sexual within the last thirty minutes.

  Cassidy tilted his head. Hmmm, he hadn’t jerked off in decades. “I don’t know. It’s been a while.”

  “Oh, right. Um, okay. In terms of being gender fluid, what things affect you? You know, are there things that you enjoy more in your male self versus your female side?”

  “You mean sexually? Ah, good question. Sometimes it’s not an external thing but I guess when it’s physical, I’m more into my male side.” His voice involuntarily dropped an octave. He lowered his volume. “I’ve always been fond of fucking. I’m not into domination or anything, but I enjoy controlling the action.”

  Erick’s pupils dilated and his breath grew shaky. “What do you mean?”

  “When I’m sucking you off, I do things to make you give me certain noises.”

  Erick’s eyes opened wider. A soft rose color stole across his cheeks. “Really?”

  “Yeah. Your reactions satisfy something in me. Maybe it’s how I know I’m on the right track. How about you?”

  Erick’s free hand tightened on the table. “Usually when I rub one off… I guess that’s a clue. I don’t think of it as jerking off, I think of doing that as rubbing or caressing. I use softer terms in my mind. Also, in my fantasies, I’m usually female according to the binary, which is weird since I do identify as gay.”

  Cassidy needed to clarify and correct. “It’s not weird. Everything about you is wonderful. You’re nonbinary and you can express yourself any way you want. But I’ve got to ask—”

  Erick huffed out an irritated breath. “No, I really don’t need or want affirmation surgery.”

  “How do you—”

  “’Cause I’m your mate.” Erick said the word mate with such pride, it made Cassidy happy but then anxious. He didn’t want Erick to feel forced into something.

  “So, how do you see…?” Cassidy gestured below Erick’s waist.

  “I don’t attach male or femaleness to my parts. I know some people do, but I don’t. That’s not going to change.” Erick shared this for what had to be the fifth time in the last couple of days.

  Cassidy might be on a circular loop in his questioning. Everything was too good… he couldn’t hope for such perfection.

  Erick kissed Cassidy’s knuckles. “I really don’t know how to convince you of this.”

  Neither did Cassidy, but his heart cried out for more. He needed to ask, “How can you be sure nonbinary isn’t a step toward you wanting to transition?”

  “Transitioning into what?” Erick’s eyes widened. He had tried his own hand at applying smoky eyes tonight, and he nailed the look… pretty much.

  Cassidy understood his own reasoning didn’t make complete sense, but fear rarely did. He spelled everything out. “If you need affirmation surgery… below the waist… you wouldn’t survive.”

  “What?” His mouth dropped open. “Those operations are safe, and they’ve made great strides in affirmation procedures, and—”

  “No, I mean, I wouldn’t survive, therefore you don’t if we do the exchange. Once we do, we’re both completely dependent on our mate’s essence.” Cassidy backpedaled to ensure Erick didn’t feel pressured. “Please don’t misunderstand me. You can have affirmation surgery, but then we shouldn’t do the exchange. I’ll happily live my life next to you, but we’d have to forgo the exchange or….”

  “Or we’d both die,” Erick added.

  “It’s a big decision with a lot of consequences.” Cassidy wouldn’t let his anxiety get the better of him. The exchange was a huge deal, which is why he felt desperate to postpone it.

  Erick took Cassidy’s hand and kissed the palm. “Okay. To clarify, my nonbinary status won’t evolve into needing affirmation surgery.”

  “Sure, but if you needed that, I wouldn’t want to stop—”

  Erick put his hands out. “If I needed to transition, I’d tell you. You’re correct and I don’t want to discount what you are saying. There are some people who, over time, realize they want to transition. I know that’s part of their journey, and they need to have affirmation surgery. I support their right to do so, but my dick doesn’t make me male or female. It just is.”

  Cassidy wanted to believe him.

  “What’s between my legs doesn’t affect how I see myself. It’s sort of like how you feel like when you swing toward the male side or the female side your body is less of a factor. I just—There’s the doctor.” Erick waved to him.

  “Hey, Doc.” Cassidy ducked his head.

  The doctor kept looking around the club. He sat only after Erick pulled the chair out for him. Finally, he focused on them. “Sorry. How are you both?”

  “We’re fine, Dr. Mayer.”

  Doc narrowed his gaze onto him. “Cassidy, how’s the sleep? Any nightmares?”

  “Nightmares?” Erick asked.

  “Later.” He’d share the details of what a mess he’d been later. “I haven’t had them for a while….” Saying “not since I met Erick” was implied.

  Erick gave him a nod, then turned to the doctor. “Dr. Mayer, Cassidy’s worried I’m going to want to transition.”

  Good, they’d get a professional opinion. Cassidy leaned forward and braced himself for the doctor’s verdict.

  Doc studied Erick, then Cassidy, before he refocused back onto Erick. “What do you think, Erick?”

  Erick returned the doctor’s stare. “I’ve never needed or wanted to transition. I’m truly nonbinary. Sometimes I present in a way society considers female, but that has more to do with me not adhering to stereotypes about gender. Granted, I might adjust my pronouns in the future, but everything else is fine by me.”

  “What are your feelings in terms of your secondary sex characteristics?”

  Erick’s mouth dropped open. “You mean my…. Oh, um, yeah, they don’t make me nonbinary of the transfeminine variety. They simply are. To me my body parts aren’t male or female.”

  Doc studied Erick carefully as he answered. “Would you say you like your body?”

  “Yeah. I mean I wish my hair had some curl to it, but other than that, I’m fine.” Erick took a sip of Cassidy’s pineapple juice.

  “Having a penis doesn’t bother you?”

  Erick shook his head. “No, I rather enjoy it. Especially recently.”

  Zombies did not blush, so the heat Cassidy felt on his cheeks couldn’t be that.

  The doctor’s mouth curled into a quick smile, and then he pressed his lips together and asked, “Do you think you might want to have sex reassignment surgery in the future to affirm the feminine side of your nonbinariness?”

  “No. I really wouldn’t, and I never have wanted that. I don’t even want breast augmentation or to take any hormones. My body just is. The transfeminine part of me is in my brain.” Erick glanced at Cassidy, and his expression implored Cassidy to believe his words and conviction.

  Pushing his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose, Doc asked, “Cassidy, did you hear what Erick said?”

  “Yeah.” Heard it but how do I force myself to believe he really wants me?

  Doc sat back in the chair. “Why don’t you believe what Erick is saying to you?”

  “Um….” Because doo
m and gloom has got to be around the corner?

  Doc tilted his head. “Is this because your life seems too good to be true?”

  Maybe. Cassidy sighed. “I don’t know.”

  Doc rested a hand on Cassidy’s shoulder and squeezed. “I think you do, and you’re afraid your world has fallen into place, and you’re trying to find what’s going to blow up. Maybe it’s time for you to trust what’s in front of you.”

  Well, that was a sad state of affairs, but Doc nailed the issue in one. “You sound like Jasper.”

  Robert appeared behind the doctor. “Maybe the doctor should take his own advice.”

  “Physician, heal thyself.” The doctor gave a bitter laugh. “Cassidy, you can choose to believe your mate. It’s safe. He really is yours.”

  Cassidy caught his sob before the sound left his heart. He barely got out a whispered, “Thank you.”

  Erick smiled at the doctor. “Thank you, Dr. Mayer. I appreciate your take on our situation.”

  “Anytime, Erick. Cassidy, Erick, have a good night.” Doc stood and stared at Nurse Robert before he walked away. Robert trailed after him.

  Erick put an arm around Cassidy. “Is that what’s happening?”

  Tears rolled down Cassidy’s cheeks quicker than Erick could brush them away with his napkin.

  “What can I do to reassure you? How can I convince you I’m not going to change my mind about who I am or about loving you? You’re mine.” The sincerity in Erick voice and the gentleness in his touch helped reinforce his words.

  “I know it shouldn’t be this hard to believe, but my life is going too well.”

  Erick took Cassidy’s hands and kissed them. “It’s been bad for so long that this turn of events is creating cognitive dissonance, which can create massive stress. You’re finding something that’s not true and worrying. Believing things will implode is a way of comforting yourself with what’s familiar.”

  “Can you give me some time?”

  “I’ll give you all the time you need.” Erick pulled him into a kiss reaffirming his life was incredible. “You’re my mate. I’ll give you anything you need.”