The Phantom of Pilberry Place

by Kevin P Pearson

  Chapter 5

  Late August arrived in the sleepy village of Beasley, more than two months after the fabulous pumping competition. Since that glorious day Sam had been kept busy at home and school. During rare quiet moments he fondly remembered the special weekend with his new phantom friend at magical Pilberry Place.

  Meanwhile Sam kept practicing pumping in the garden. He’d tried out a few tricks recently and could pump through progressively smaller wooden hoops, breaking them in turn. Eventually his plan would change to collect each hoop in turn as his chosen pump passed by, dropping them onto a stick in the ground. This advanced trick was really rather complicated, needing intense concentration, so perfecting it could take a while.

  Early Saturday morning found happy young Sam trotting along a country path to the shops. Because it was such a nice day he decided to take the long route through wilder fields. He beamed brightly at the blazing sun when two tiny plooshes rushed out a bush, catching him completely by surprise. Each slipped under an arm, lifting him up. These lively characters must have been very young indeed, because they could only keep him a few inches above ground. Sam whizzed through farmers’ crops, slipped sideways through a gate and managed to pump himself over a sharp barb wire fence just in time.

  Then the magical pumps took over completely, whizzing across wild meadows and diving into sprawling woods. Sam’s usual pumps had stopped now, so he had to rely on the two young messengers avoiding all branches as trees grew thicker and the flight faster.

  The rest of his journey became a complete blur. Suddenly he’d broken a strange time barrier and arrived back at magical Pilberry Place. Sadly the ancient clearing wasn’t half as colourful and alive as last time. Ground lay dull and black, and magical trees bent over the clearing as if in mourning. Rather weirdly no fabulous pumps burst out in greeting. “Er, hello?” Sam cried out, feeling rather puzzled.

  Bushes fizzed faintly and the famous Phantom Pumper trudged out wearily. His magnificent hat and blue robes had lost their blinding shine. Even his long pointy shoes were scrubbed with dirt. “Welcome Sam,” he said, shaking his head so sadly he was unable to force a smile.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Pilberry’s poor phantom sat down heavily on a stump, telling terrible news. Seven days ago he awoke to find many of his pumps had vanished without trace. Sometimes they’d wander off on exciting adventures, but would always return. So every night at dusk for the past week he’d pumped out secret messages across the countryside with no answer!

  “I could understand if they were young, flighty pumps Sam, except these are mature, experienced ones who have known these ancient woods and magic for centuries. They couldn’t possibly have got lost. They’re very polite too and wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye first,” the pumper revealed sadly. “I can’t leave just yet to search as I’m weak without them, and some of my younger pumps are still a little upset. You see our missing pumps were excellent teachers and friends to them too. Even our wise Aunt Penny has no answers this time. Whenever she bravely searches for them her psychic visions are hazy and give her terrible headaches.”

  “Could this be the work of nasty Richard Rearguard in some way Pumper? Everyone knows he’s a very sore loser.”

  “I doubt it – that Dick hasn’t the skill to reach this place.” Sam looked around the dully lit clearing and back at the sad pumper, wondering what could possibly have happened, feeling his mind go blank. Perhaps the gloomy atmosphere was beginning to affect him too?

  “Think! We need to look out for anything unusual, anything at all. Sam, you’re clever, there must be a sign somewhere of where they’ve gone!” the pumper cried desperately.

  “I wish I had a clue,” Sam said, springing to his feet, examining everywhere again with great care.

  Weird sounds flew out Aunt Penny’s chimney. Powerful smells of melting wood and clay wafted round the clearing, making magical trees moan in sympathy. “Ah, a sign!” Penny cried, collapsing in the doorway. Two small plooshes flew over to help.

  “I’ll be fine, I just need rest,” she said, allowing the twins to pump her over to her favourite chair. Just then a weird red light flashed past, flitting away even quicker when it spied the two frantic searchers. “That’s not normal, I know all magic in these woods,” the phantom shouted.

  “That’s it then, let’s get it!” Sam cried just as loudly.

  “I can’t leave here yet, I wouldn’t last long enough. Because I’m a phantom my pumps help keep me fresh. I can grant you a little of my power I hold in reserve, I only pray it helps,” the pumper said, touching Sam’s shoulder for luck.

  “Please bring my precious pumps back to me, I’m lost without them. Existence seems so dreary and pointless without their cheery chirps and funny songs,” Pilberry’s poor pumper pleaded, shaking Sam’s hand weakly.

  “Good luck Sam!” Penny cried from her chair, “Keep an eye out for dangerous, sneaky skunk weeds!”

  “Back soon!” Sam promised, taking off at high speed. By now the suspicious speeding light had gotten quite far away. Luckily some of the pumper’s magic had rubbed off, because the eager boy still caught faint traces of it dissolving into trees.

  Sam pumped faster than ever before, picking up more speed. He wasn’t far behind now; the red, misty patches were growing thicker! Sam flew through a bush, plunging head first down a steep bank leading to a wide, raging river. Without even slowing down, Sam confidently pumped himself across the surface in a series of perfect long pumps, keeping completely dry.

  The wise phantom had made the right choice - no one else had the instinctive pumping skills to keep up with such quick, weird magic. Sam was just thankful Pilberry Place’s magical influence still reached way out here, boosting his legendary pumping ability.

  Across the river Sam caught sight of a flash of red whirling into a grassy hill, sending sandy soil and weird insects flying everywhere. Sam’s confidence grew by the second. All his greatest triumphs flashed before his eyes. Pilberry Place was still helping! In a flash Sam dived into the soft soil after the light, determined it wasn’t going to get away from him that easily.

  Seconds later Sam had scrambled quite some distance underground. Swift, scrabbling movement ahead stopped him dead. Behind him earth shifted and trembled. Suddenly all his earlier confidence faded in an instant. Some weird, nasty creature he couldn’t quite make out lingered in front and one lay behind, plotting evil. Whatever they were, they twisted, turned and crawled towards him, madly rooting through earth, moaning and squealing like wild pigs.

  Sam quickly pumped the one behind farther back, but the one in front kept dragging itself up towards him. Luckily its vicious, spiny thorns were hardly visible through the dull, fading light. Dreadfully foul smells wafted up the slope, becoming thick and choking - far worse than the most terrified pump. Sam felt horribly sick, his eyes burned and he could hardly breathe. In desperation he sent a series of small chain pumps ahead, which broke through the worst of it, helping the deadly cloud slowly disperse.

  Older chain pumps then propelled him through the tight tunnel like lightning, twisting and turning at odd angles. Sounds of those nasty crawling plants echoed faintly, but nothing dared approach him again.

  Soon he burst out atop a wobbly hill to rainbow coloured countryside, pink rivers, towering plants and unbelievably strange floating animals. But adventurous Sam didn’t have time to enjoy them, because just ahead that weird red light flickered playfully. Whilst he’d been trapped underground it could have flown miles away by now. So it must have been waiting for him, playing some sort of weird game! What cruel trickery was this?

  Next moment the light passed right through him, jolting his feet, then vanished into the shaky ground, turning the world black. Sam jumped in surprise, quickly blinking everything back into colourful focus. Way down in the middle of the purple meadow a long thin column of crystal stood shining weird, smoky light in all directions. Misty colours swarmed round it, pulsing slowly in the
odd light. Instantly Sam knew what to do and dashed down the hill, hardly feeling ground roll restlessly beneath his feet.

  In seconds Sam reached the column. Colourful, misty shapes turned out to be hundreds of pumps floating constantly round the columns glassy surface. Sam felt a strange, unknown power growing inside himself. His thoughts ran quicker than ever, answering questions as quick as he’d asked them. That’s right, none of the pumps could even see him! No wonder the phantoms messages failed to reach them - the pumps had slipped into another world and were hypnotised by this strange, devious device. To Sam the surface was just a plain mirror. Yet whatever the pumps saw in there they found truly fascinating. How could he get through to them? No matter what he did they just kept flying round and round.

  Even more questions raced through his mind when the world went cold and a piercing squeal whooshed over the countryside. Fuzzy, confusing twilight descended, quickly covering all but the tight, flowing circle of pumps. All sound stopped. Sam looked round cautiously. One shoulder felt cold, then the other. Ah, a very weird black, smoky creature swirled around him, dodging this way and that as if to avoid being caught. I bet it’s getting power off the poor pumps, feeding like a heartless vampire, Sam thought. The creature spoke loudly within Sam’s head. His harsh words pounded around like a spiky ball bouncing inside his brain.

  “Leave outsider, I claim these creatures as my own on behalf of...”

  “Pumps belong to no one, everyone knows that,” Sam interrupted, “and no one can possibly own another creature.”

  “Pumps worked for us once and wish to again. That is plain for even a puny human to see!”

  “I doubt they’ll work for you willingly. And you must know that, or you wouldn’t need to trick them!” Sam cried, watching the poor pumps swirl helplessly round the glass. “They shall leave with me. Back on earth they’ll be free to make their own choice where to live and who to work for.”

  “Bold words are just words all the same,” the creature spat haughtily, growing bigger and angrier in fast, blurry stages. “For such disrespect I shall take you with us, and you will work for us forever too,” it announced confidently, glowing shiny, deadly black.

  Sam stomach rumbled fiercely. Wild, magical power grew within him, something he felt totally unable to control. Dirty black waves darted out the cold, dark mist, covering the pumps and column in a rolling cover. “It begins!” the creature cried triumphantly.

  Sam felt an urgent squeaking deep inside. He couldn’t understand it, but somehow knew it meant: ‘Now!’ Sam shot off into the air, circling the column and pumping constantly. ‘Hurry!’ the anxious feeling urged again. Just in time the crystal pillar was coated with a thin film of fresh, powerful pumps. Flashing dark beams shot down from the sky, bouncing off the pumpy layer and exploding into nothing. Losing the strange power, Sam fell to the ground, deeply puzzled. When he sprung to his feet the magic column and the evil mist had gone. They’d done it!

  Pilberry’s pumps were wide awake now. Realising they’d been saved from a magical trance they swarmed round saviour Sam, chatting nonstop. Pumps shadowy bodies were much clearer here. And here their skills were even weirder in such crazy ways. Sam tried out a few pumps for fun. Many normal ones blasted out backwards, swirling like Catherine wheels. By forming massive, whirling circles, chain pumps travelled vast distances in an instant, seeming to last forever. And tiny plooshes blew up to the size of massive atomic blasters, proudly exploding ground into light and dust, bounding around playfully, just begging to be heard.

  Excited young Sam knew there was a whole lot more to come, and watching them was a real treat, but they couldn’t stay long. “Alright everyone, time to take you home! Follow me!”

  Back up the slippery, sliding hill the entrance hole had closed up again, so it was impossible to tell where Sam had burst through. But the hungry pumps could smell the way home and burrowed in there instantly. Sam dived in between them, enjoying being blasted out the other side in a warm stream of excited pumps.

  In the company of an army of pumps there was little to stop them, so soon they entered familiar woods where the pumps formed a massive line. Their colours flashed and whizzed, bending, twisting and turning like a giant snake flying through the trees. Sam jumped on right at the front, feeling supremely safe, looking back in happiness and awe. This must be the biggest gathering of pumps outside Pilberry Place for centuries! It was such a wonderful feeling knowing these pumps trusted him so much. The Phantom Pumper would be overjoyed and Sam’s great grandfather would have been so proud!

  Safely back in Pilberry Place the proud pumper laughed loudly, touching the top of his droopy hat in glee. His clothes instantly sprang back to their usual sparkly form, and his bendy feet moved so quickly it looked like dancing.

  “I knew you were the right one all along Sam. Aunt Penny knew it too. You shall have a rare prize for such kindness,” he promised, instantly pumping a booklet from thin air named: ‘The Phantom Pumpers Guide to Professional Pumping.’

  “For you to spread the word Sam, its time everyone knew the truth! It also explains what happened today with that nasty, selfish creature.”

  “Wow, I never expected such a special gift pumper. Looks like you’ve put an awful lot of work into this too, thank you!”

  “My pleasure friend,” the phantom giggled, back to his normal cheery self. Pilberry’s pumps told the particularly pleased pumper they all sensed the presence of an old, powerful pump, who’d vanished to another world after they’d been freed. Wiser pumps were certain the silent stranger had helped them through talented Sam. Perhaps he’d returned to his own relatives far away past the stars?

  “Sam, there’s more to come, much more. I always keep promises too.”

  Aunt Penny waved earnestly from her cottage. “Good luck with your pumping child,” she winked knowingly. Before Sam could catch his breath the entire village pumped him high into the air. For a few seconds he reached so high Sam swore he saw the twinkling sea a hundred miles away. The power of those grateful pumps was unbelievable!

  “It’s time. See you soon, we’ll meet again!” the pumper promised, then Sam woke in bed. Only two minutes later mum rushed in. “Monday morning, nearly time for school,” she warned. In the lunch queue Sam suddenly realised he’d stopped pumping, though could still do so if he willed it. Although he couldn’t be sure how it had happened or how long it may last, it felt good the Pumper had kept his earlier promise.

  Early that afternoon excited Uncle Peter earnestly copied the Pumper’s booklet, leaving a huge bundle at Beasley’s bustling town hall. Folk were free to help themselves, but many gave whatever they could afford. An awful lot of money was raised that week. Proceeds would go to grateful charities.

  Due to popular demand a massive tribute book was left there too, so folk could leave comments on the booklet or ideas for future competitions. Glowing, heartfelt tributes came thick and fast from excited readers. One little girl wrote how she loved pumps and their amazing magic so much, she may even marry one when she got older! Her gran had been ill recently. Ever since, whenever she felt sad she’d think of the competition’s happy, sharing atmosphere, remember pumps funny tricks and giggle. Helping kind folk like this made Sam and the Phantom Pumper even more determined to continue spreading the word.

  Seeing everyone’s excitement, the delighted town mayor organised a grand ball to celebrate the unique book launch. And now his pumps were more controllable, Sam’s true love Violet Elizabeth finally allowed him to take her to the dance. She did make him promise not to pump in her presence though. Well, maybe one little one if some wild dancer whirled too close!

  END

  The Phantom Pumper’s Guide to Professional Pumping

  Welcome! Welcome to my fabulous guide friends. But most of all welcome to the wonderful world of pumps! Hooray, the time is upon us! Following four uncertain centuries of careful preparations and setbacks, (Pesky Puritans for one.) it’s finally time to share the fascina
ting secrets of these delightful little creatures with the world.

  My talented young friend Sam agrees because revelations are still new and folk are still coming to terms with them, it follows they will know very little of the more complex pumping terms. Therefore I vow to make this first guide short and as easy as possible to understand, so folk of all ages and reading levels can grasp the basics easily.

  For those wishing to try pumping for the very first time - don’t worry; only a little intelligence and skill is required to get started. Marvellous! Now that’s the real beauty of pumping - young or old everyone can join in to some degree.

  And to those who are a little more educated in this thrilling and rewarding subject - look out! If the time is right, and my pumps wish it, I may reveal one of my favourite techniques! As a further bonus for the more inquisitive, there lies a secret, ancient technique hidden in the text, with a very special prize for those brave enough to pump it out!

  Before choosing to read further, please understand that like many hobbies, pumping becomes most rewarding after careful practice. For that reason only those dedicated and talented enough will ever become first class pumpers.

  This short booklet answers a few common questions, tells of magical pumps, touching on what truly motivates them, and covers a little of their history and lifestyle. Later I’ll move on to some basic exercises most amateur pumpers can enjoy, finishing with just a few of my personal thoughts and wishes for the future.

  When enough folk have read and understood this first guide, I shall pump out another more detailed account for the delight of all! I promise you - there little shall be left to chance!

 

  1

  Its alive I tell you, alive!

  Remember, although all pumps are alive, only a rare few are truly magical. Nevertheless, these ancient pumps families have been learning since way before the dawn of man, faithfully pumping knowledge down to their children ever since.

  Whilst every one of us can pump, very few can master them. Surprise! There’s a very good reason for this. Unlike other tasks requiring practise to improve, the noble art of pumping is unique. Once the righteous quest begins folk quickly discover that like humans, no pump is exactly the same. E.g. when learning a musical instrument, notes are written in stone, leaving little scope for change. But when learning to control and work in harmony with pumps, known rules vary quickly as each pump slightly alters them, making them more like guidelines.

  This makes standard pumping fairly easy to start off, although increasingly difficult to master. For those who wish to try, know this - A good memory is required, not to mention some intuition and a unique friendship with each and every pump. This is only one of many reasons why each pump is as equally as important as the last.

  Please note: As an incredibly powerful pumper, I don’t just help create fabulous pump shows, (some kind spirits say the greatest on earth) I also constantly learn myself. Once again, each pump has something new to teach, depending on where they holidayed, who or what they met, circumstances, or simply due to their different natures.

  Next, some honest answers to burning questions:

  Do pumps really talk?

  They certainly do friends! To the untrained ear pumps sweet voices may sound very similar. However, let me assure you some beep, squeak, squeal, chatter, pop, whistle, buzz, vibrate, chant and hum. Others even sing if they’re happy and content. Basically pumps talk by means of both sound and expression, rarely using one or the other. Only I can understand them at present. I’m currently attempting to create a very basic translation guide for the public, but please understand that may take quite some time.

  What do pumps really look like at rest in their true form?

  Easy! A swirling mass of shadowy, misty shapes and colours. Sadly very few folk can see them, especially if the pumps aren’t rare magical ones in a particularly good mood. And remember, pumps can change to many other forms at will. The exciting thing is no one’s been able to count their true number of disguises.

  How many different types of pump are there?

  Everyone knows the huge variety of pumps alive today is simply staggering. Thousands wouldn’t be an exaggeration. So to keep my promise earlier, I shall only list a few of the more common ones in order of age.

  Plooshes - Tiny baby pumps that haven’t learnt to speak yet. This fact doesn’t seem to stop the incredibly cute creatures from trying though!

  Ploots – Small, fresh pumps that are still quite young, but learning fast. Noises ploots make are many, but popping and soft snapping are their true voices. These lively characters love to train, socialise and explore, often turning up in some very unexpected places!

  Chain pumps - Whoa, careful now, don’t wake anyone, we’re moving up a bit here! Chain pumps come in many different sizes and arrangements. All are terribly good friends that like to stick together. Yes, chain pumps are often quite loud and boisterous, some may even call them show offs - just know that isn’t their true nature. What some see as boasting, I like to think of as taking pride in their unique skills and heritage.

  Atomic Blasters - Short, explosive pumps that go out with terrific bangs. Each time they perform their voice grows deeper and louder. Blasters tire easily, needing far more rest than any of their relatives. Eventually they grow to considerable size, becoming capable of matching the volume of any natural sound. Such massive fellows enjoy loud contests, making ears vibrate and ground tremble. Older blasters thrive on heat, so can prove a teeny bit grumpy during unexpected cold snaps, though feel better each and every time they let off steam.

  Male Elder’s – Elders have grown tenfold in spirit since their time on earth. Once reaching maximum size they can touch hundreds, even thousands of years old. These wise, dignified fellows communicate using telepathy for speed and efficiency, allowing them to discuss complex topics quickly. For these reasons Elders cleverly prefer to reserve talking for special occasions. At these rare events their speech is almost always loud, booming and impressive, instantly wowing any audience. When an Elder speaks, everyone bows in respect and listens very carefully, even me!

  Before boring you too much, I’ll just sneak in two quick points if I may. Generally the smaller and quieter the pump, the younger they’re likely to be. However, do bear in mind that like people, pumps come in many shapes and sizes, so some older ones are naturally small. And despite what some folk think pumps are naturally sweet smelling, tidy creatures that love keeping their homes clean. Oftens the time I’ve caught pumps washing thoroughly in hot vents or magical streams.

  2

  Way hay, magical pumps at work and play!

  I mentioned earlier that very few pumps are magical, so I trust many of you are still wondering how magical pumps came to be. I feel it’s time to shed a little light on this puzzling subject, which still holds many thrilling mysteries.

  Shortly after birth certain pumps are infused with a powerful mix of ancient energy stored by our magical trees, allowing them to glow in a hundred shades of colour. They grow very quickly after this and are always much quicker to talk than their common relatives. So far Aunt Penny and I have worked out that a magical pump is born just once every three centuries, and then only under the gaze of an exceptionally unusual moon. No wonder they’re so rare.

  Though all pumps are special, very few magical ones are able to pass power on to their children. I haven’t been able to find out exactly why this is, or how it happens yet. Perhaps the pump is just naturally talented this way? Aunt Penny says it’s almost as if the ancient spirit of Pilberry Place itself chooses to bless certain ones with this amazing gift. Both could well be true.

  To the uninitiated, first of all let me say the power of every pump is enormous, particularly magical ones who always show a strong sense of duty. Whether it’s via scouting work, escorting lucky visitors over dangerous ground, healing forest animals or general repairs, they love giving back to friends who’ve trusted them. As long as pumps are allowed to slee
p, dream and recharge once a day, they could work all day every day if they wished. And yes, they do snore! Luckily it’s actually quite soothing, which is a pleasant bonus.

  It gives me no end of pleasure to report magical pumps also have an extraordinary idea of fun. Like me they enjoy finding that inner child in themselves when choosing exciting games to play, preferring fun every time. Let me tell you, blessed with ancient magic, their hilarious and inventive games are second to none!

  Because one of their finest gifts is creating wonderful scenery, it’s not surprising pumps ingenious and witty plays are equally fantastic. Magical pumps imagination and acting skills are truly staggering you know. Older, wiser pumps create bigger, wider scenes, kindly allowing younger or smaller pumps to fill in finer details while they’re still learning.

  I must confess performing with magical pumps is a lot harder than with common ones, yet always so rewarding. I tend to concentrate on scenes or situations I want to change long before I even begin, running over them in my mind. This cuts down on needless mistakes on my part. Even though pumps would correct them instantly without thinking badly of me, I’d still feel I’d let them down. Aunt Penny says this is one of my silly little hang ups, though there’s nothing wrong with striving for perfection. Practice makes perfect!

  Folks, magical pumps excel at creating people, ghosts, exotic animals, beautiful sunsets and fabulous lunar landscapes from far off galaxies. Problem solving seems to grant them almost as much pleasure. After our sessions I feel so refreshed and alive my head tingles. That’s when amazing, wild, spontaneous dances tend to begin! Everyone joins in. Our last big one lasted an entire week. Even tireless Aunt Penny sat down eventually!

  As for what truly motivates magical pumps to work and play - Well, I’m actually still learning that myself. What I can share so far is pumps have an extraordinary curiosity to learn and understand all that lies around them. This endearing quality may well explain how they survived such a dangerous journey across the universe and flourished during their time on earth.

  I’m sure everyone’s guessed by now how much I enjoy all pumps charming personalities and endless tricks. Aunt Penny says it’s hard not to have favourites, and perhaps I shouldn’t say this too loudly, but magical pumps give me the most fun. I’ve been pumping confidently for four centuries now, yet still feel small and humble in these rare little fellows presence. Earning their trust and joining their magical performances for so long fills me with such joy. Pilberry Place forever!

  3

  Another boring history lesson!

  It probably won’t surprise readers to find all pumps originally come from the same source. In England I’m extremely pleased to say this is now Pilberry place. Yet this wasn’t always so. Long, long ago, way before ancient man stopped jumping around in trees and throwing suspiciously smelly dirt at each other, pumps were raised as workers on other worlds by strange, nameless beings.

  These intelligent, yet short sighted creatures didn’t even guess the beauty and magic their petty meddling had created. Becoming tired of such selfish masters the noble pumps revolted, leaving their foolish creators to complete their own work under unfeasibly hot suns. Those of you still desperately clinging on to consciousness, please resist the sneaky temptation to pump your sleepy friends awake! Alright, do it! You have one minute before I continue...

  Ahem, moving on. Because their masters had farmed them like cattle, millennia ago pumps numbers were many. Reaching a pleasant agreement with each other, half these descendants migrated to earth. Others chose another bright world, way across the reaches of time and space. No wonder even the eldest pumps here have now forgotten exactly where that lies. Sometimes in their dreams they hear distant cousins calling from unknown worlds, but are unable to answer. Still, they’ve learnt to be happy on earth despite uncertainty surrounding their relative’s fortunes.

  Finally back on solid ground again, the clever pumps immediately chose Pilberry Place for its natural magic and homely atmosphere. Elder pumps knew instinctively they’d be safe, surrounded by our magical trees. Here, deep in our beautiful English countryside lay an enchanted place where their children could grow in strength and spirit, thereby continuing strong pumping traditions.

  Over thousands of years four main royal families married freely with those once considered workers. For without their selfish masters, all pumps were equal. This exciting mix of talents gave rise to the diverse pumps you hear floating amongst you today. My brief tale reemphasises the need to nurture and protect all pumps, ensuring we keep their trust.

  4

  Training begins upstairs, in the bedroom of your mind!

  Rather like athletics or Karate, the classic art of pumping has ranks too. For your information here they are, from the lowest beaches, rising to the highest mountains.

  Casual - All those who pump casually on a day to day basis without control or desire to take things further.

  Amateur – Very basic training, resulting in far more embarrassing failures than successes. Maybe they pump at weekends in the mirror when no-one’s watching. Such weak pumpers probably only entertain younger school kids or relatives momentarily. May harbour a secret yearning to learn more, but often haven’t the time or confidence to do so.

  Semi Professional – Courageous, conscious effort has been made to train and learn useful secrets, but there’s still so much to do...

  Professional – A truly honourable, rare individual. Knows an awful lot about pumping and can teach others easily. Someone consistently pumping at a high level, making money into the bargain too. Can nurture semi professionals to take that final step. Professionals are almost always hard working, kind and thoughtful, otherwise they’d never have soared to such crazy heights. I hereby place Sam Fisher firmly in this category – Such a remarkable achievement for one still so young.

  First class – Folk rising to this high level nowadays are few and far between. I’m not surprised it only takes three fingers to count them. Shame! Still, with the word on pumps now out on the streets for all to see, who knows? We could well see a revival in pumpers wishing to reach this rare, rewarding level. Folks, start as early as possible to be in with any chance!

  Master – Only myself on earth, as ranked by my precious pumps themselves. (See later for a glimpse of these skills.)

  Sorcerer – Exceptional pumping powers undisputed in this galaxy. Can control any pump anywhere on land or sea from afar, even when asleep, dreaming, or thinking of a thousand other subjects. A wonderful far off dream of mine just now. Never give up though. Maybe, just maybe one day...

  People, serious athletes swear training the mind is equally as important as the body. I couldn’t agree more. Believing in yourself and your abilities, along with proper preparation are key to successful pumping. Both play a crucial role in avoiding unwanted accidents that may unnecessarily put you and your audience off pumping for good.

  Simply put, before you even begin you must remember to find that special place in your mind, where you can relax and instantly feel at peace. Of course, lucky me! I already live in my personal sanctuary, where no outside influences can disturb my concentration. If you live in a busy, noisy city though, I suggest you call to mind somewhere holding special and unique memories for you too. Perhaps it’s a wonderful private beach with a trusted friend, or high on a beautiful mountain shrouded in healing, protective mist.

  Hello, are you still there? Keep reading as the time has come for a quick training session lasting 30 minutes. Careful now! First make sure you’re able to swing arms and legs around freely without damaging anything. Now none of you will be lucky enough to train with magical pumps, so this exercise will concentrate solely on the non magical or common pump.

  In order to gain the most experience, I highly recommend using a long pump known as a Cosmic Squealer. Halfway between a Ploot and an Elder, these pumps are mature, long lasting, quite experienced and keen to please, making them fairly easy to handle. Such well balanced qualities allo
w any mistakes to be easily cured. Beware, every now and then a trainee pumper will find a joker in the pack! Simply view this as all part of the fun and carry on regardless.

  First, we’re going to practice basic control, so try a simple long pump. Easy eh? Think again, you’re training with the Phantom Pumper here! Now try it again, only this time attempt to stop the pump halfway, say five seconds in. Ah, a fiendish trap! The trick is to count using pumps time. Because they’re such excitable creatures, their minds flow much faster than yours. And rather like the difficulty in swatting a troublesome fly, pumps reflexes are way in advance of humans. Therefore you must speed up your count by at least four times as much.

  Devote a total of 10 minutes to this exercise. It’s bound to take a while at first. Nevertheless, before the sessions over I confidently predict at least one success.

  Ha, our next exercise lasts 10 minutes too, and has been designed to build on earlier timing skills by nurturing a pumps sense of trust. You see a pump can and will only perform at their very best when he/she realises how much effort a prospective pumper is putting into training. Each and every session must be felt deep inside yourself. There’s no point gazing out the window, wishing you were elsewhere - pumps easily see through such cheap tricks.

  Follow this advice closely: Gradually slow your breathing, but increase your thoughts. Your body should relax, allowing pumps to flow that little bit smoother. At the same time your mind will be awoken (attuned) to somewhere nearer a pumps natural state, and ready for action. With both of you working together in the same state of mind, controlling pumps will feel far more natural. Not only that, you’ll accomplish tough goals far easier. Reaching this higher state of being will happen quicker and quicker the more you practice. Then training will progress faster than you ever thought possible.

  I do understand how difficult this sounds at first, but believe me this is exactly how expert pumpers are shaped. All first class pumpers started off with these very exercises, including me. You’d also be correct thinking it seems similar to our first exercise, but I promise there’s good reason for this.

  Finally, for the last 10 minutes a fun trick - pumping and counting to ten at the same time. This little beauty should impress friends and remind yourself that you’re progressing when training feels difficult on those rainy off days. This actually fits in quite nicely with the two previous sessions, allowing you to blend these skills together. Result! Despite the fact that rude, annoying Dick boasted of doing this, it’s actually quite straightforward.

  Ready? Willpower and concentration are needed here. Remember our first exercises and use training to your advantage. The idea is to split a Cosmic Squealer up temporarily into ten equal pieces, simply by using the timing skills developed earlier. Don’t worry about harming our friends, because that’s what pumps light, airy, bendy bodies were designed to do. Note: Always count in pumps time, not yours!

  This first basic schedule will help amateur and expert pumpers alike. If you’re an amateur, try to repeat these exercises one to three days a week. It’ll all be worth it in the end.

  Quick tips: Counting trick should only be attempted at the start of the night when you’re still fresh. Secondly, never over train. You’ll only get tired and bored, and pumping is supposed to be fun after all.

  Finally one hard, fast rule for all pumpers, need I say it again? Never, ever get frustrated and force a pump. Results to both of you can be disastrous, and pumps may never trust you again.

  Next time training will move on a touch, talk of harder tricks such as knocking over light objects at close range, maybe even cover small chain pumps. Until then, keep pumping!

  Finally, boasting for Dick’s, so I’ll tell a little of my own skills purely because dear Aunt Penny says that’s what honest folk are most likely to be interested in. She hasn’t been wrong yet, so here goes! Sounds are easy, the crack of a whip, whoosh of flame, a falling tree, roar of gunfire - Many a logger has run screaming from Pilberry Place at these realistic sounds! Elephant, snake, dog, monkey, there isn’t a single animal I can’t imitate.

  Tricks are only slightly more difficult. I like to call these exercises for the mind, for they stretch the imagination even more than my bendy body. Often tricks test both physical and mental powers equally, a must if I want my pumping to stay fresh. Thanks to my magical friends I’m able to pump out bold symbols and shapes, and mix them together. I can pump myself and others across wet, muddy fields, pump to height and hover like a helicopter, or zoom over land like a jet plane.

  Pumping at such a high level for as long as I have, nowadays these skills almost perform themselves. Luckily this doesn’t take any pleasure from completing such magnificent feats, because it leaves me free to add interesting little flourishes, finishing the pieces off perfectly.

  My personal favourite trick is one I’ve happily performed for centuries. Such imaginative shows never grow old. In fact it was this very one that drew me into the happy world of pumping all that time ago. I could hardly believe my eyes seeing it for the first time! I enjoy it so much because it successfully combines speed, skill, humour and surprise. Tell me, what better blend to introduce impressionable folk to prime pumping?

  First I sit down comfortably, bringing my knees up tightly as if meditating. Within seconds I’m twirling in wild circles, spinning faster and faster. Soon my body gets so blurred it looks ready to explode in showers of flashing sparks. Fine dust rises up like a whirring, rolling curtain around me, creating rude, amusing shapes. Before you know it I’ve whirled into the ground and out again ten metres away in a spectacular flash of light! This inventive trick evolved naturally into a longer version where audiences can join in, but I only ever used it in outdoor pumping shows as a grand finale. Needless to say it granted me first place every time! All this is achieved using only common pumps, once again demonstrating how powerful my marvellous friends are.

  So, now you understand the basics friends, have you guessed how and why I’m so incredibly bendy? The answer is simplicity itself. Over the past few centuries I’ve trained my body through rigorous stretching exercises, rather like a weight lifter works muscles to his advantage. Naturally this enables me to perform some of the most amazing acrobatic pumps the average pumper couldn’t dream of. Settle down! No one expects the regular pumper to train to this degree. After all, you’d likely have to dedicate your life and more to achieve such complex skills. Therefore I advise most folk keep pumping strictly as a pleasant, relaxing hobby, or as entertaining party tricks, unless one hears the calling, that telling, tempting whistle from afar!

  5

  Celebrate the true power of the pump!

  It’s known the world over that sleepy Beasley holds a long tradition of worshipping the power of the pump. And the cleverest amongst you will note the connection between ancient Pilberry Place and your wonderful village. But how many have guessed as our village prospers, as does yours?

  Of course it’s no coincidence that pumps have congregated at Pilberry Place since ancient times. Being particularly sensitive creatures, pumps felt great enthusiasm for their kind growing in Beasley. Such positive, healing energy floats over the beautiful countryside towards them constantly, swirling amongst our magical trees in enchanting waves. Therefore it’s only natural that as pumps magic grows, tiny bits seep out over the centuries, helping your cosy little village flourish. This shows nature at work in her truest, wildest state, and also the true power of the pump!

  Remember, all this beauty we see today was only made possible by a tiny handful of pioneers keeping the spirit of pumping alive. Most were shamefully ridiculed and shunned for their beliefs way back then. More recently Sam Fisher’s great grandfather, Eric Le Bird, joined these precious few who deserve special thanks from all of us. His selfless dedication and infectious enthusiasm for a subject rarely discussed in those darker days spread the word, keeping my magical pumps and I alive. Such passionate spirit ultimately made this guide possible.

  So folks,
now you know the real truth - this is your heritage. We ask that you continue embracing it as fervently as you have thus far. Our precious pumps couldn’t wish for more. In the meantime, please hold Pilberry Place’s best wishes and our pledge of continued support close to your hearts.

  Till next time,

  Your faithful Pumper,

  The Phantom of Pilberry Place

  END

  Thanks for reading!

  Enjoyed The Phantom of Pilberry Place?

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  Sir Ian Peters

  All available as E books for most E Readers.