The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules
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“The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is a must-have resource for tweens and teens with Asperger syndrome. By exposing the ‘secret’ thinking of NTs and opening each chapter with a list of ‘need-to-knows,’ O’Toole sensitively and candidly explains the social rules that often confuse teens with Asperger syndrome. The graphics, humor and short chapters make the book lively and accessible, while O’Toole’s own experiences as an individual with Asperger syndrome help teens connect personally with her insightful, practical advice.”
—Diane M. Kennedy and Rebecca S. Banks, authors of Bright Not Broken: Gifted Kids, ADHD, and Autism
“The joy of knowing that the mistakes of the past have a good chance of melting away is the real, not-so-secret ingredient that makes this book shine.”
—Michael John Carley, Executive Director, GRASP, ASTEP, and author of Asperger’s From the Inside Out
“Asperteens rejoice! Finally someone has produced a guide to the mysteries of teenage social etiquette. Jennifer’s brilliant writing style serves up huge, life-changing advice in small, bite-sized chunks, making this an invaluable reference point for navigating the difficult path between childhood and adult life. If you’re a teenager, buy a copy. If you’re older, buy one too—it’s never too late to learn those ‘secret rules’ and apply them in your life.”
—Helen Wallace-Iles, founder and director, Autism All-Stars UK, and mother of four children on the autism spectrum
“Wow! This book is awesome. The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is a triumph of words, wisdom and wit. It is a fun yet oh-so-important set of keys that will help Asperkids of all ages unlock virtually every mystery the NT world holds. I love it!”
—Liane Holliday Willey, author of Pretending to be Normal and Safety Skills for Asperger Women
“Jennifer O’Toole has done it again. Reading this book was like dipping into a bag of wonderful treasures. A very comprehensive guide to social rules for Aspies and a brilliant reminder of just how much NTs take for granted and how hard our Asperkids have to work each day. This book serves as a ‘universal translator’ and will strengthen relationships between Aspies and NTs everywhere… Our whole family is adopting the Asperkid positivity vibe. Jennifer is like the favourite aunt and best friend we all wish we had. If I could choose one book to give to my little boy as he grows up, this would be it.”
—Rebecca Mitchell, psychotherapist (MBACP), author of the blog lovingmartians.wordpress.com, and very proud mom to one Asperboy superhero and his equally amazing NT supersister
“Jennifer is the queen of understanding and helping others to understand the ins and out of Asperger syndrome. In this book Jennifer hits on all of the important issues tweens and teens face and provides ways for your Asperkids to thrive during this challenging time. Learn rules like ‘to be interesting to other people, you first have to be interested in them,’ ‘one mistake does not a friendship break’, ‘being right isn’t always the most important thing, even when it feels that way,’ and so much more. As the mother of an eight-year-old with non-verbal learning disorder, ADD and SPD, this book is the first I grab to help both me and my amazing little gal. An incredible book by an incredible woman.”
—Lisa Davis, MPH, creator, host, and producer of It’s Your Health Radio and It’s Your Health TV
“Not only is The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules a book for Asperkid teens and tweens, it is also a book for their parents, caregivers and for anyone who grew up Aspie and wants to understand themselves and the world around them better. Being undiagnosed until in my 40s, this is the book I wish I had when I was a teenager. Thank you Jennifer, for not only making these social rules no longer ‘secret’ but for helping create a social survival guide that helps promote acceptance, enrichment, inspiration and empowerment for Asperkids everywhere!”
—Karen Krejcha, Executive Director of Autism Empowerment, Aspie, GRASP 2012 DSM Award winner, and loving mom of two sons with autism and Asperger syndrome
“There are so many reasons to love this book. It is kid-friendly, fun, packed with practical tips, and full of respect for those needing these tips the most. The thing I love best about it, however, is how appropriate the content is for every student, both those on the spectrum and those who are not. In fact, we can all learn something from Jennifer O’Toole’s wonderful advice on relationships, organization, learning, communication and self-respect.”
—Paula Kluth, PhD, author of You’re Going to Love this Kid: Teaching Students with Autism in the Inclusive Classroom
The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules
The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome
Jennifer Cook O’Toole
Illustrated by Brian Bojanowski
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia
First published in 2013
by Jessica Kingsley Publishers
73 Collier Street
London N1 9BE, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA
www.jkp.com
Copyright © Jennifer Cook O’Toole 2013
Illustrations copyright © Brian Bojanowski 2013
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.
Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
O’Toole, Jennifer Cook.
The Asperkid’s (secret) book of social rules : the handbook of not-so-obvious social guidelines for
tweens and teens with Asperger syndrome / Jennifer Cook O’Toole.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-84905-915-2 (pbk. format : alk. paper) 1. Asperger’s syndrome in adolescence. 2.
Asperger’s syndrome--Social aspects. 3. Asperger’s syndrome--Patients--Life skills guides. I. Title.
RJ506.A9O86 2012
618.92’858832--dc23
2012015213
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978 1 84905 915 2
eISBN 978 0 85700 685 1
Converted to eBook by EasyEPUB
For Aspies of All Ages…
(and especially the ones in my house)
If you’re not sure whether you believe in miracles,
perhaps you’ve forgotten that you are one.
You shall no longer take things at second or third hand,
nor look through the eyes of the dead,
nor feed on the spectres in books,
You shall not look through my eyes either,
nor take things from me,
You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self.
Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”
Contents
Cover
Acknowledgments
“Where was this Book When I, Like
, Needed It?”
- Introduction - Rules, Posers and Speaking a Foreign Language
What Comes Naturally, and What Doesn’t
Hold the Pillow
The (Secret) Book
What’s Ahead
Aspie Forever
Need-to-Knows
What You Need to Know about the Need-to-Knows
- 1 - How Not to Make a Light Bulb
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 2 - The Potty-Training Rule
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Notice, Tell, Thank
The Potty Rule
- 3 - So You Noticed a Kindness
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Quotealicious
- 4 - I’m Sorry
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
The Trusty Apology Formula
- 5 - The “Perseverance” of “Perserverance”
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 6 - Perfectly Imperfect
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 7 - But I Wasn’t Laughing
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
A Quiz
Quotealicious
- 8 - Poof! You’re Interesting!
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 9 - Mirror! Mirror!
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Reflective Listening
- 10 - You’re Welcome
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
How to Give a Good Compliment
You’re Welcome
Quotealicious
- 11 - Broken Spaghetti
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 12 - Boiling the Pasta
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 13 - You’ve Got to Hold the Pillow
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 14 - Take a Breath and Watch the Hammer
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 15 - Speak in Sandwiches and Make Suggestions
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Quotealicious
- 16 - Unfiltered
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 17 - Tact and the Triple-Filter
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 18 - Literally?
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Situations Where What NTs Say and What They Mean are Not the Same Thing
- 19 - Do I Need an Umbrella or an Ark?
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 20 - Temper, Temper
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Quotealicious
- 21 - The Science of a Greek Goddess
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Head to Toe(s): Let’s Make It Happen
The Look
How Do I Do “Neat and Clean”?
- 22 - Traveling by Bubble
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Where are the Bubbles’ Edges?
NT “Bubble” Boundaries
- 23 - Choices and Tactics
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
The Ingredients of a Trusted Friend
- 24 - Who’s Who, What’s What
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Levels of Friends
Webs, Stop Signs and Cling Wrap
Quotealicious
- 25 - Standing Up Straight
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 26 - Talking to Myself
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Dignity and Talking to Yourself: Internal Dialogues
Being Mindful: Stop, Listen, Replace
- 27 - Likes, Tweets and Texts
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
“Like” Me: The Secret Rules of Social Networks
Digital Decorum
- 28 - The Loveliest Curve and an Open Door
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
ASPERGIRL to ASPERGIRL: Short Skirts and Fruit Loops
HEY, YOU GUYS! Manly Men
- 29 - There’s More for Dinner than Mashed Potatoes
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
- 30 - Wedgies, Tattletales and Queen Bees
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
A Little Extra Note, Aspergirl-to-Aspergirl: Cliques and Queen Bees
- 31 - Through the Looking Glass
Need-to-Knows
Asperkid Logic
Stickies
Practice Sessions
#1 The Main Idea
#2 Pick and Choose
#3 Police Officer
#4 Stood Up
#5 Busy Body
#6 Sweet Melody
Stick a Fork in It—We’re Done
Resources You Will Actually WANT to Use. Really
For You…
Style for All!
Gift-Giving
For Your Teachers, Parents and Family
References
Books
Online
Media
Personal Communication
Quotation Pages Sources
Acknowledgments
There are times where you may find that you are part of something much bigger than yourself. For me, “right now” is such a time. And it is so very well with my soul. I am humbled by the voice I get to have in this world-wide “Aspie” conversation, and am honored to be given the chance to tie my life’s experiences up in a bow and offer them, like a gift, to the next generation of Asperkids. So, thank you…
To the parents who’ve called me crying and afraid, and to the kids whose renewed self-esteem has made me burst with joy: thank you for sharing your journey and your trust. May I always do well by you.
To those who’ve taught me—through kindness or hurt, through love or abandonment—exactly who I am, thank you for showing me my own originality.
To the “Super Jessica” Kingsley (yes, I do think you should wear The Cape to board meetings) and her brilliant publishing team, thank you for believing in me—again. Know how sincerely I appreciate your vision and dedication and how proud I am to bear the JKP mark.