The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  Trust Must be Earned

  Only believe people once they have proven to be truthful and trustworthy over time (like a long-time friend) or by means of authority (a parent, teacher, the police).

  At least as far as the receiving end goes, you’ve now been warned. Next, we’ll get into the “too much truth” quicksand. Is there such a thing as being too honest? I don’t think so—keep reading to see if you agree.

  - 17 -

  Tact and the Triple-Filter

  How Honest is Too Honest?

  Need-to-Knows

  • Tact is knowing how, when, or whether to say what we are thinking.

  • Being honest isn’t the same as speaking every thought in your head.

  • Before speaking, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it good or kind? Is it useful or necessary?

  Asperkid Logic

  First off, this is an opinion. Mine, and certainly not everyone’s. I don’t believe in lies—not big lies, not little lies, nothing. I want people to know that if I say something, you can count on the fact that it is true. However, HOW we tell the truth can make a BIG difference in the effect it has. We’re talking about “tact,” which is at least as important as honesty. Simply put: tact means being honest in a way which spares others from having hurt feelings. It is knowing how, when or whether we ought to say what we are thinking.

  Think about it: if you told every person you met every thought you had about him or her, what would happen? People you like might feel unappreciated, unattractive, overweight, unintelligent, undervalued and unwanted. If people heard our every thought, we would lose their respect and damage relationships. In other words, every thought doesn’t have to be spoken aloud for us to remain honest.

  When I was a child, my grandmother took me on the New York City subway. In the car with us was a whole group of teenagers, completely working the “punk” thing. Tattoos. Mohawks. The whole bit. And I stared, open-mouthed. “Look!” I gasped aloud, pointing. My grandmother, worried I’d offend them, told me briskly to stop gaping—I might make someone angry. Actually, I thought they looked really cool. But her point was that staring and pointing is rude. And she was right. Drawing attention to people’s differences may make them feel judged. Like they are “weird” or “less than” us, neither of which is a nice feeling to have.

  Granted, I was a little kid, and kids say whatever they are thinking. But no one had asked for my thoughts on 1980s urban punk fashion. It wasn’t a matter of being truthful. It was a matter of being tactful.

  Enter the “Socrates Triple-Filter Test.” A commonly told story goes that one afternoon in ancient Greece, Socrates (the famous philosopher) was visited by an acquaintance of his. Eager to share some juicy gossip, the man asked if Socrates would like to know the story he’d just heard about a friend of theirs. Socrates replied that before the man spoke, he needed to pass the “Triple-Filter” test.

  The first filter, he explained, is Truth. “Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to say is true?” The man shook his head. “No, I actually just heard about it, and…”

  Socrates cut him off. “You don’t know for certain that it is true, then. Is what you want to say something good or kind?” Again, the man shook his head. “No! Actually, just the opposite. You see…”

  Socrates lifted his hand to stop the man speaking. “So you are not certain that what you want to say is true, and it isn’t good or kind. One filter still remains, though, so you may yet still tell me. That is Usefulness or Necessity. Is this information useful or necessary to me?” A little defeated, the man slumped. “No, not really.”

  “Well, then,” Socrates said, turning on his heel. “If what you want to say is neither true, nor good or kind, nor useful or necessary, please don’t say anything at all.”

  Before you answer a question or voice your opinion, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it good or kind? It is useful or necessary? If it passes those filters, speak up. If not, either find a tactful way to make it pass or keep it to yourself.

  Making Honesty Tactful

  Many NTs presume that the truth will cause more trouble or harm than a simple “white lie.” They mistake dishonesty for tact. They act as though they are in the position to decide what is best for the person being lied to—which sounds more than a little bit arrogant to me. When someone asks you a direct question, and brutal honesty may hurt or embarrass them, you can still be tactfully honest.

  Imagine yourself on the receiving end of what you say before you say it. Focus any criticism on the product or idea, not on the person. For example, which of these replies would sit best with you?

  Situation

  Honest-but-Insensitive

  Honest-and-Tactful

  Your friend has a new pair of jeans, and asks if they are too tight.

  “Yes! They make you look awful.”

  “Personally I always go a size up in skinny jeans—it’s so hard to tell from one designer to another!”

  Your friend’s band has just released a new single. He wants to know what you think.

  “You sounded like you were in pain!”

  “I could tell you really put a lot of feeling into it.”

  The dinner at your grandmother’s house is lousy, and she wants to know how you like it.

  “Gram, this is just plain nasty.”

  “I can taste the love in every bite. Thanks for going to so much trouble for us.”

  Think It, Don’t Speak It

  Sometimes, being tactful has nothing to do with honesty—it just has to do with keeping your mouth shut. There are a few areas in particular where you might want to really watch what you say—or say nothing at all:

  • Money or material goods (houses, cars, etc.)—how much or little a person (or her family) earns or has is none of anyone’s business, nor should it matter. So don’t ask about it or draw attention to it.

  • Religion/politics—everyone has a different version of right. And usually, folks feel strongly about their beliefs. Be respectful of others’ ideas even if you don’t think they are so. Ask questions, if you want to learn more, and avoid calling one idea “right” or another “wrong.”

  • Disabilities, physical or mental challenges—they just don’t matter. So, don’t point them out.

  • Physical appearance—positive or negative comments about someone’s body shape, weight, skin color, height, etc. What someone looks like doesn’t matter, anyway, so it’s not worth mentioning.

  • “Behind closed doors”—anything that happens behind a closed door (in a bathroom, bedroom, doctor’s office, etc.) is meant to stay there. Talking about bodily functions and intimate dating relationships is not funny or cool.

  • “Out of sight”—speaking about someone when he or she isn’t there is unkind. It’s also a bit cowardly. Keep your thoughts about someone either between you two or to yourself.

  Extra note: Aspies are terrible liars. Hear me on this. Don’t try to say you’ve done something you haven’t just because you think it sounds cool. It doesn’t, and you won’t either. I promise.

  Being honest doesn’t mean being mean. Being real doesn’t mean saying everything. So be careful. Give your opinion softly. If you don’t, you probably won’t be asked to give it again.

  - 18 -

  Literally?

  What They Actually Mean

  Need-to-Knows

  • Aspies take things literally—but NTs don’t speak literally. What they say and what they mean are not always the same thing.

  • It’s OK to get confused. We’re not hard-wired to understand language the way NTs use it.

  • Build yourself a team of trustworthy, patient NT “advisors.” You can check in with them if you feel confused about a social situation.

  Asperkid Logic

  When I was getting ready to write this rule, I randomly thought of a friend of mine from college. After we graduated, she entered the foreign service and moved to Vietnam. Now this was a girl who’d been raised in the American Midwe
st. Working in an embassy in Vietnam was about as far out of her cultural comfort zone as I can imagine.

  Anyway, in writing this rule, I recalled my girlfriend’s job preparations. As foreign service workers train to assist ambassadors, they study the cultural practices of their host nations. Ten years later, those expectations are no longer in paper handbooks, they’re all online. Curious to see what tips were offered to those coming to live in my own country, I went to my computer. And you know what? This stuff is Aspie GOLD! Cultural norms on everything from personal space to hand gestures. Just Google “travel etiquette to (your country).” You’ll find out how to live where you already do—translated for those who don’t speak the “native” cultural language (like us).

  One of the sections I saw covered by many travel guides is “colloquialisms” or “vernacular,” which basically just means common local phrases. And this is a really important “hidden” rule to learn, because Aspies understand language differently than NTs.

  Let’s start with what we know: Aspies take language literally. NTs don’t. It’s why idioms are so confusing for us (“sitting on top of the world” doesn’t mean at the North Pole, etc.), why pronouns (I, you, me) get us all mixed up, and why we end up giving lengthy answers to people who really only want to say “Hi.” Let me play “ambassador” and welcome you to a few of the MANY…

  Situations Where What NTs Say and What They Mean are Not the Same Thing

  Hello, Good-Bye and In-Between

  • “How are you?”, “What’s up?”, “How’s it going?” and “How are you doing?” are meant to be pleasant greetings, not actual, genuine questions. Unless a medical doctor is asking, just say, “Great, thanks,” or “Fine,” or “Excellent.” Follow up with “And how are you?”

  • “See you later” and “See you soon” are also just polite expressions, and are often used even if the other person never expects (or wants) to see you again. Smile and say “See you!” in return.

  • “We really should get together” or “We have to stay in touch” are the same kinds of generally friendly statements. Tricky point: in this case, the other person may, indeed, mean what he is saying. So, if he sets a time and date or asks to exchange email addresses or phone numbers, great. Otherwise, it was probably just a polite gesture. If you want to talk again, though, you can certainly ask how you could get in touch.

  • “Tell me all about it” does not actually mean ALL about whatever the topic is. SUMMARIZE! What is the main idea you want to share? Let’s say you’re asked to tell a family friend about a new subject from school. “We’re learning to identify the locations of European nations on political maps” is sufficient. If the other person wants to know more, he or she can ask.

  Or, let’s say you love Greek mythology (it’s my daughter’s special interest). If someone asks to hear ALL about a subject, they really only want to know a couple of facts, maybe an interesting bit of trivia or simply why the topic interests you. It’s another “pleasantry,” which is to say, polite expression that doesn’t really mean what it says. We Aspies LOVE our special interests. But not everyone else feels the same. So keep your “all about it” answer short—maybe four or five sentences. You can always add, “And if you ever want to know more, just ask.”

  Handling Language Confusion

  There are so many possibilities of say-one-thing-mean-another expressions, each different depending upon the country or region in which you live, the age of the person talking…trying to list every one wouldn’t be nearly as worthwhile as giving you two strategies for knowing how to handle any language confusion.

  Strategy 1: Be Aware of Yourself and How We Think

  We Aspies are more likely to misunderstand other people. Between trying to watch body language, figure out sarcasm or tone of voice, and any other sensory distractions going on, it’s sort of amazing how much we DO understand of the NT world. So, let’s just accept it. We miss things. Main ideas. Connections. Things implied but never said outright.

  Yes, we may miss something, but at least we are self-aware. We know who we are and how we operate. And when you do feel confused, that awareness can give you great comfort and power. Remind yourself that you’re not confused because the world is chaotic or scary, or because you’re dumb or clueless. You’re confused because our particular hard-wiring sometimes gets in our way.

  We’re Aspies. And we have difficulty with non-literal language (people saying something other than what they mean). Be alert to the fact that, if you are feeling confused, trouble with non-literal language may well be the reason. Minds work in different ways, and knowing how yours operates is half the battle. Being aware of our own challenges just reminds us to look harder for the connections and messages we miss.

  Strategy 2: Build a Team of Advisors

  Every Aspie needs a small group (four maximum!) of NTs who we can trust to help us out. That can be parents, a therapist, peers, a sibling or a teacher. In fact, the more different perspectives you cover, the better.

  For example, I have a few girlfriends who are my go-to’s. In my mind, they are like a Team of Advisors. Each has her own area of particular knowledge, and each is a very different thinker than the others. One gal is extremely witty and creative. Another is exceedingly patient. A third is analytical and asks fantastic questions that really help me clarify my own ideas. And another is strong, warm and calming. Since I came to understand my “Aspie Blind Spots,” it so much easier to ask them for help in understanding things I know I’m just not hard-wired to get. For example, if I get an email that I’m not sure how to interpret or have a social situation that throws me, I go to them.

  And, by the way, there’s no shame in asking for help. Everyone has his or her own battles to manage. One of my “advisors” happens to be hearing impaired; she’s asked me to make phone calls for her because she can’t do it. It’s not her fault. She physically can’t make the call and hear the speaker on the other end—I can, so I help her. And I can’t always understand non-literal language—she can, so she helps me. There’s really no difference.

  Think of the folks you know and can trust. Choose patient, open-minded people who will take the time to learn about Aspie. And then, ask for help when you need it. Build your own Team of Advisors, and check in when you feel unsure of yourself. Once you are able to bounce your ideas off of someone else, you’ll feel much more confident and in control.

  Who knows, maybe you’ll even teach your team to “speak a little bit of Aspie,” while you’re at it. (No, people, not literally.)

  - 19 -

  Do I Need an Umbrella or an Ark?

  Sorting Mountains from Molehills

  Need-to-Knows

  • Aspies’ black-and-white extreme-kind-of-thinking often leads us to believe problems are MUCH bigger than they actually are.

  • We can go from Worry Level 1 to Worry Level 100 in a split second. This helps NOBODY, most especially ourselves.

  • Stop panicking. Breathe. Look at the steps in your “Chain of Catastrophe”—and ask “Why might this not happen?”

  • Empower yourself by imagining steps you can take to make things better.

  Asperkid Logic

  I picked my daughter up from school years ago, ready to bring her to gymnastics class. One week before, the girls had begun learning to do back walkovers—although for now, that just meant leaning backwards over a cushion bolster until her hands reached the ground. Teachers would help students then kick their feet over, and the girls would find themselves standing upright.

  Here we were a week later in the car ride to practice. While she hadn’t told me she was upset beforehand, I suddenly found my poor Asperkid in the middle of an absolute panic attack. She was crying, hyperventilating, flushed and barely understandable. Though she didn’t even have her leotard on yet, and we weren’t even half-way to the gym, she was already emotionally over the edge—frantic about the last ten minutes of class which MIGHT possibly involve more back rolls.

  Even b
eing upside-down was only a possibility, and even though one would never make her try it, she was a wreck. That kind of panic is called catastrophizing—it’s sort of like calling the fire brigade to put out a major blaze when your sister’s only burnt some popcorn.

  Imagine this: I’ve asked you to stand up. Now, I’m going to send you on an errand (to the candy store—but you don’t know that part yet). But suddenly—you’ve run away! Before I can tell you where I need you to go, what you might need to do there, or what you might need to bring along, you have already decided you’re headed for trouble. You’ve gone out the door, down some street, around the corner and up a hill. You think that you know exactly where the “catastrophic” (horrible) situation is leading before even knowing what the actual facts are. That’s catastrophizing.

  I’ve done it myself, for sure. One autumn afternoon during my senior year in high school, I had to leave my last class, orchestra, early. My varsity tennis team had a match that was pretty far away, so the coach had given us permission to leave our last period a bit early. Well, I don’t know if my music teacher simply didn’t read the tennis coach’s note or whether he had a chip on his shoulder, but the orchestra conductor flipped out at me.

  He yelled in front of the entire class, and went so far as to write a letter to the principal saying that I had willfully disobeyed his orders. To be honest, when the administrator saw his note, she laughed—the idea that I’d be that bold or rude was just totally outlandish to her.