The Life She Was Given

by Ellen Marie Wiseman

  “It’s perfect, don’t you think?” Mr. Barlow said to no one in particular.

  Alana stood beside him, her fingers and neckline dripping with jewels. She hooked an arm through his and twisted her red lips, staring up at the canvas. “I don’t know, darling,” she said. “It seems kinda. . . what’s the word . . . off.”

  “No, no,” Mr. Barlow said. “It’s just what I wanted.”

  “For my show,” Merrick said.

  Mr. Barlow kept his eyes straight ahead. “Yes, it’s just what I wanted on my banner, on my tent, on my circus lot.” He swore under his breath, then turned on his heels and walked away, swinging a silver-tipped cane and taking Alana with him. “Come along, darling. Let’s celebrate with a little champagne.”

  Merrick watched him go, his face growing crimson. Then he grabbed Lilly by the arm and dragged her toward the sideshow performers’ dressing tent. “You better pull this off, or you’ll pay for it.”

  Now, the freak show was starting in a few minutes and she stood trembling in her undergarments in front of a mirror inside the dressing tent while Glory fastened a fake diamond crown on her head with white bobby pins, then tied beads throughout her hair. Her hair was freshly washed and curled, and it spilled over her shoulders like a wedding veil.

  “Your dress will be here any second,” Glory said.

  “What am I supposed to do in the show?” Lilly said, her teeth chattering.

  “Just stand there and let the rubes look at you,” Glory said. “That’s all. I’ll be in the booth right next door and the only thing between us will be a canvas curtain. If you need anything, I can be there in two seconds flat.”

  Lilly wanted to ask what she might need, but she couldn’t find the right words. She stared at her reflection, trying to remember how to breathe. Everything about her was white or silver—her hair, the beads, her skin, the crown on her head. The only color was in her eyes, which looked like blue stones in snow. Behind her in the mirror, the canvas flapped open and a dwarf came into the dressing tent, a pair of high-heeled shoes in her hands, a shiny dress draped over her shoulder. Her hair was as white as Lilly’s, her face thick with beige makeup and pink rouge.

  “Merrick sent these over,” she said, showing Glory the shoes. “He wants her to look taller.”

  “Lilly,” Glory said. “This is Penelope Dupree, our very talented seamstress and sideshow performer extraordinaire.”

  Lilly tried to smile at Penelope. It felt more like a twitch.

  “Ah, yes,” Penelope said. “I’ve heard about you, Lilly Blackwood. Mrs. Benini, who owns the snow cone and cotton candy stand with her husband, Tony, wants to have you over for a home-cooked meal some evening. Elizabeth Webb, who runs the grease joint, says you can play with her kids anytime. And Madame Zelda, otherwise known as Mrs. Daisy Hubert from Queens, our gypsy fortune-teller, says you’re a Leo, and you’ve got wonderful things in store.”

  Lilly tried to smile again, but she didn’t know what to say. The woman, like everyone she’d met besides Merrick, was being so nice. And all she wanted to do was go home, back to her room and Abby.

  Glory and Penelope helped her into the dress. It was silver and white, with long, beaded sleeves and a billowing hoop skirt. Glory buttoned up the back, and Lilly pushed her feet into the shoes, holding on to the vanity to keep her balance. She had never worn high heels before, and when she straightened, she nearly fell.

  Glory caught her by the arm and grinned. “You’ll get used to them,” she said.

  “Never did like the things, myself,” Penelope said, lifting her skirt to show Lilly her feet. Her long red toenails hung like claws over the front edge of brown sandals. Lilly gaped at her, speechless. She didn’t think Penelope could wear regular shoes, let alone heels. Penelope laughed and dropped her skirt, then got on her knees to check the hem of Lilly’s dress. When she got up, she said, “You look beautiful, just like a princess.”

  Lilly gazed at herself in the mirror. Despite the fact that her hands were sweaty and her stomach felt full of rocks, she decided Penelope was right. She looked like a princess from a fairy tale. But what would the people from town think—What did Glory call them? Rubes? Townies?—when they saw her white skin and spider-web hair? Would they be afraid? Would she make them sick? Would they hate her like Momma and Daddy did? She touched her thumbs to the tips of each finger over and over and over—one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.

  “Now remember,” Glory said. “We’re on until the show opens in the big top. The circus performance lasts about two hours. Then we do another show after it closes for the people who didn’t catch us the first time around.”

  Lilly nodded and followed Glory out of the dressing tent and across the back lot, trying to breathe normally and walk without twisting her ankles in the high heels. Behind the big top, the circus performers and animals were getting ready for the show. Women in tutus and pink tights, men in red jackets or white leotards with gold-lapeled shirts. White-faced clowns in bald caps and oversized shoes, firemen’s pants and suspenders, hobo hats and patched trousers, their orange and red hair sticking out in all directions. Women and girls in sequined costumes practicing atop white horses with plumes of pink and white feathers between their ears. Draft horses harnessed to parade wagons, dancing nervously in their hitches. Llamas and zebras and animal handlers, lions and bears and monkeys in cages, leggy giraffes and elephants with tasseled headgear. The boy who waved at Lilly was there too, dressed in a tuxedo and standing next to the baby elephant.

  Despite her nerves, Lilly slowed, unable to pull her eyes from the spectacle. The sun reflected off the sparkling sea of glittering jewels that seemed to cover everyone and everything. It was like a picture book come to life, but a thousand times brighter. Then she noticed the boy in the tuxedo staring at her and she looked away. What did he think when he saw her dressed like a princess and heading over to the sideshow? Did he think she looked pretty, or more like a freak? Why couldn’t she be like him and the rest of the big-top performers, beautiful and normal, admired for what they could do, not judged for what they looked like?

  “Come on, Lilly,” Glory said. “We can’t be late.”

  Lilly gripped the sides of her skirt in her fists and concentrated on walking without tripping. It was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other, and not just because of the high shoes. Momma said she was a monster and people would be afraid of her, and now Merrick was putting her onstage for the entire world to see. What if Glory and everyone else were lying to her? What if Momma was right and she really was an abomination?

  On quivering legs, she followed Glory into the back entrance of the freak-show tent and along a narrow, dimly lit walkway behind a row of canvas curtains. Glory called it the “backstage.” The inside of the tent felt hot and musty, and smelled like mold, wet grass, and a strange, smoky perfume. Squinting in the shadowy passageway, Lilly fought the urge to turn and run. She didn’t want to do this. Not now, not ever. The heels of her shoes sunk in the soft earth and she had to lift the hem of her dress so she wouldn’t step on it. Then Glory stopped and pulled aside one of the first canvas curtains, revealing a raised stage covered with a flowered rug. In the center of the stage, a woman with a black beard sat on a chair in a zebra-patterned skirt and a jeweled brassiere, her hem pulled up to reveal her hairy thighs. Her eyebrows were dark and bushy, and a thick layer of hair covered her arms and back.

  “This is my friend, Hester,” Glory said. “Otherwise known as The Monkey Girl.”

  Hester waved a hairy hand.

  Lilly nodded and tried to smile.

  Behind the next curtain, a curly-haired woman with no legs sat on a round, one-legged pedestal. She was wearing a string of pearls and a pink blouse, and the bottom of her torso filled the entire tabletop, like an oversized vase or lamp. Using her arms, she turned herself around to say hello, the pedestal shaking back and forth beneath her. Lilly worried it would topple over.

  “This is Dina the Living Ha
lf Girl,” Glory said.

  “Nice to meet you,” Dina said.

  Lilly swallowed. “You too.”

  Behind the next curtain, Aldo the Alligator-Skinned Man stood wearing nothing but a pair of silver shorts that looked two sizes too small. Brown scales covered his hairless head and thin body. He smiled and gave Lilly a two-fingered salute.

  Next, a woman in a long skirt and green brassiere stood with a white veil over her head. When she turned and lifted the veil to say hello, Lilly gasped and stepped back. A naked baby hung from her middle, it arms and legs limp, its head buried deep in her stomach.

  “Don’t worry, it’s not real,” Glory whispered. “The baby is made out of rubber and glued to her skin. This is Belinda the Woman with Two Bodies and One Head.”

  Lilly nodded once and tried to look friendly, but she couldn’t help staring. Why would Belinda make herself into a monster on purpose? Did she want people to be afraid of her? What if someone tried to lock her up or slit her throat? What if they wanted to put her body parts on display? After they left Belinda, she asked Glory what would happen if the townies found out the baby was fake.

  “Shhh . . .” Glory said, and lowered her voice again. “All sideshows have fake acts. We just don’t say it out loud. Ever. We call it a gaff, or pulling a Margarite Clark.”

  “A Margarite Clark?”

  “Never mind,” Glory said. “You’ll learn soon enough. Just don’t talk about it. Not until the lingo comes natural to you anyway.”

  “But what if the fake baby scares someone?” Lilly whispered. “What if they don’t want to see it?”

  Glory chuckled. “If they didn’t want to see things like that, they wouldn’t pay money to come inside the freak show.”

  Lilly shook her head, a question on her face.

  “In the freak show it’s okay for the townies to stare at something they think they shouldn’t,” Glory said. “They don’t have to, and actually aren’t supposed to, look away. But thank God that’s the case, or we’d be out of a job.”

  Lilly had to think about that. She still didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. Right now she had more important things to worry about, like trying to keep her breakfast down.

  One by one, Glory introduced her to other attractions in the freak show—Zurie the Turtle Boy, Dolly the World’s Most Beautiful Fat Woman, Mabel the Four-Legged Woman, Magnus the World’s Ugliest Man, Spear the Living Skeleton, Stubs the Smallest Man in the World, Brutus the Texas Giant, and Miles the Armless Wonder. Behind the third to the last flap, Ruby and Rosy stood back-to-back wearing blond wigs and matching lavender dresses joined at the hip, as if the skirts had been sewn together to make one garment.

  “You already met Ruby and Rosy,” Glory said. “Today they’re The Siamese Twins.”

  The twins waved. “Hey, Lilly,” they said at the same time. “Go get ’em, sweetie!”

  Lilly wasn’t sure what she was supposed to get, but she forced a smile and waved anyway. Glory let the curtain drop and kept going.

  “What are Siamese twins?” Lilly said.

  “They’re twins connected from birth on one part of their body, like the hip or shoulder or head.”

  “But Ruby and Rosy aren’t connected,” Lilly whispered.

  “Siamese twins are hard to find.”

  “So it’s another Margarite Clark?”

  Glory smiled. “That’s right. You’re a quick learner.” She stopped in front of the second to the last curtain. “Well, this is your spot. Don’t forget, I’m right next door.”

  “Where’s Viktor?” Lilly said. “I thought he was in the freak show.”

  “Viktor is the star attraction over at the ten-in-one. And in The Barlow Brothers’ Circus that means the acts not for the weak of heart.” She lowered her voice to a whisper again. “You should see the gaffs Merrick’s got going over there. He’s got pickled punks, a fake mermaid, and a mummified devil baby in a tiny coffin with horns and tail. The female rubes nearly faint when they see it.”

  Lilly thought about asking what pickled punks were, but changed her mind. She couldn’t imagine acts more shocking than the ones she’d just met. And right now, she didn’t care. In a few minutes, crowds of people would be entering the tent to see the freak show and stare at her. She was about to find out the truth. Was she a monster? Or had her parents had been lying to her after all? The only thing she knew for sure was that she had no idea what was going to happen next. Glory pulled aside the canvas and held her hand while she climbed the steps to the stage. At the top, Lilly turned to look back at Glory, her stomach doing flip-flops.

  “What am I supposed to do now?” she said.

  “Make a game of it. You’re from another planet, remember? Stare at the rubes like you’ve never seen anything like them in your life.”

  Lilly thought about saying she really hadn’t seen anything like them in her life, but it didn’t matter now. It was all she could do to stand upright. “Do I move around or stand still?”

  “You can move, but act like a princess, like the rubes are beneath you and you don’t have time for them. And you don’t speak English, so don’t talk to them. If anyone tries anything, just yell and I’ll come right over.”

  “Wh-what do you mean? What would they try?”

  Glory shrugged. “You never know. Rubes can be strange. But don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” She let the curtain drop and left Lilly all alone.

  Lilly moved to the center of the stage and looked around, her arms and legs trembling. White sheets, silver ribbon, and glitter-covered stars hung on the side and back walls, and mounds of cotton and white felt covered every floorboard. A white chair and pearl-covered table sat below a hanging light made of sparkling crystals, reminding her of the one she’d seen in her parents’ living room. Thinking about her parents’ house, something cold and hard twisted in her chest. Leaving her attic bedroom and walking through Blackwood Manor seemed like a lifetime ago. And in all her fantasies of escape and imagined journeys, she never pictured herself ending up like this—a freak in a circus sideshow.

  The viewing area behind the rope in front of the stage stood empty, waiting to be filled with townies wanting to examine her with their eyes. She stared at the murky, open space, her heart in her throat. It seemed gigantic and dark, like an open mouth made of grass and canvas, waiting to swallow her whole. She pulled her eyes away from it and counted the stars on the wall. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine—

  The canvas behind her flipped open and she jumped.

  It was Glory.

  Glory smiled and pointed at a rod wrapped in white ribbons and silver beads, leaning against the sidewall. “I almost forgot. Your scepter, my queen.”

  Lilly picked up the pole with shaking hands and nodded her thanks. At least she had something to hold on to if she felt dizzy.

  A whistle screeched outside and someone shouted, “Doors!”

  “Here we go!” Glory said, and disappeared.

  Outside the tent, thousands of footsteps walked and ran and stampeded into the midway. Children laughed and squealed and shouted. Grown-ups scolded and told them to slow down. A man on a stage outside the freak-show tent started his pitch to the incoming crowd. Glory said he was called the professor, and his job was to lure the townies into the sideshow by giving them a taste of what they would find inside.

  “Ladiiiies and gentlemennnn,” the professor shouted. “Step right up and get a look at the wonders we’ve got waiting for you inside! The big show starts in sixty minutes, in sixty minutes, so you’ve got plenty of time to see our show and get your place in line for the big top. There’s plenty of time to see the oddities and spectacles behind these walls! Come one, come all, this is the show you’ve been waiting for, the one you’ll be talking about next week. We’ve got the sights of a lifetime here, folks! We’ve got the half girl who giggles and talks and walks. Your mind will fail to believe what your eyes will see! She’s not all there, but she’s in here, and she’s alive! Se
e Zurie the Turtle Boy, with the head of a human and the body of a turtle. Have you seen Stubs the World’s Smallest Man? What about Belinda the Woman with Two Bodies and One Head? There’re all here, and there’re all alive and inside. They all perform, they all entertain—one act after the other until you’ve seen them all. Have you seen Dolly the World’s Most Beautiful Fat Woman? You won’t believe the size of her thighs! This is the biggest show on earth for so little money. Come in now. There are no charges on the inside. Remember, you stay as long as you like and leave when you so desire. Oh wait, there’s more! I almost forgot! We have a new act, folks, a new act. This is the only show in the world with this act. You won’t see it anywhere else. We’ve got Lilly the Ice Princess from Another Planet. Our very own Syd Barlow captured her from the farthest corners of the earth, and she’s here, inside and alive. Don’t miss it! You’ll be talking about her for the rest of your lives, folks!”

  Lilly could hear the townies getting closer and closer, the excited voices, the laughing and talking and shouting. The shadows on the tent walls grew bigger and wider and darker, the shapes of bonnets and hats and heads and shoulders and balloons and children crowding one another for space. Sweat slicked Lilly’s hands and her knees felt wobbly. She wanted to get off the stage, flee out of the back of the tent, and keep running until she couldn’t go any farther. She gripped the scepter in one hand and counted the seams in the canvas behind the viewing area. One, two, three, four. If she could escape out of the tent, where would she go? And what would she do when she got there? Maybe she’d end up dead like Leon’s daughter. Or maybe Merrick would send Viktor after her. Five, six, seven . . .

  Outside, the professor kept shouting. “That’s it, folks, step right up. My good friend here will take your money and give change if you need it. That’s right, line up right here. There’s no hurry now. These freaks aren’t going anywhere. They’ll stay inside this tent until you’ve seen them all.”