The Life She Was Given

by Ellen Marie Wiseman

  Her stomach twisting with nerves, Lilly searched the lineup for Cole. The other bulls were there, but Cole and Pepper were nowhere to be seen. She hurried over to ask Hank what was going on.

  He started to answer, then looked over her shoulder behind her. “Here they come now.”

  Lilly turned, anxious and excited all at the same time. But when she saw Cole and Pepper, her heart sank. Something was wrong. Pepper was white as a sheet and Cole looked miserable. She rushed toward them.

  “What happened?” she cried. “What’s wrong with her?”

  “Nothing’s wrong with her,” Cole said. “Mr. Barlow had new posters made featuring you with an albino elephant.”

  Lilly’s mouth fell open. “But how . . .”

  “Whitewash.”

  Pepper’s eyes were red and watery, irritated from the paint.

  “You poor thing,” Lilly said. She gently touched Pepper’s trunk. “How could he?”

  Just then, Mr. Barlow strode toward them, smiling in his top hat, white jodhpurs, and red jacket. “It’s a full house,” he said. “Thanks to you and this beautiful elephant here. Now hurry up and get in line. Just remember, keep her away from the rubes. We don’t want any trampled children, no matter how annoying they are.”

  Lilly wanted to say something to him about whitewashing Pepper, but starting an argument before her first show would only make her more nervous. She put on her ballet slippers and Pepper lifted her onto her back, then they started toward JoJo, Flossie, and Petunia. A team of black Percherons hitched to the lion wagons danced sideways when they passed, and the clowns stared up at them, their eyes wide in their painted faces. The other performers watched with shocked expressions. Cole climbed up on JoJo and instructed Lilly to bring Pepper up beside them. Lilly did as she was told.

  “This is it,” Cole said. “You ready?”

  “I’m scared,” Lilly said. “What if—”

  “You’ll do fine,” he said. “You’ve rehearsed it a hundred times. Just stay calm and remember, Pepper will know if you’re on edge.”

  Mr. Barlow’s whistle shrieked inside the tent, the band began to play, and the grand parade began moving forward. Lilly took a deep breath and gripped Pepper’s bejeweled headpiece with one sweaty hand. With Hank beside them in case anything went wrong, Lilly and Pepper and Cole and JoJo entered the big top in front of Flossie and Petunia. Having never been inside the big top during a performance, Lilly couldn’t believe how many people lined the bleachers. Sunlight filtered in through the bale rings and canvas ceiling, illuminating thousands of faces and heads and hats and hands. When the audience saw Pepper and Lilly, there was a collective gasp. Everyone clapped wildly and stared with open mouths.

  As the parade made its way around the hippodrome, Lilly smiled and waved at the audience, every sense on high alert, her skin tingling with a strange mix of euphoria, disbelief, and fear. The trapeze artists and tightrope walkers, the Bally girls and lion tamers, the acrobats and stilt walkers, all strutted their stuff while the jugglers juggled and the clowns skipped and danced and played tricks on one another. It seemed as if the parade itself was mirroring her thoughts and feelings, a hundred colorful pieces all jumbled up and jumping around, making it impossible to know where to look and what to think.

  Every once in a while, she glanced at Cole for reassurance, and he winked at her. He had told her once that as a third-generation circus performer, for him the traditions were keener, the lights a bit brighter, the pull of the ring stronger than nearly anything else. He was never interested in anything but performing. And now she understood why. The excitement of the audience felt like electricity running through her body, and instead of the fear of ridicule, she felt nothing but adoration from the rubes. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl in the sparkling costume riding the beautiful elephant?

  After the parade and the rest of the show, it was time for Lilly and Pepper’s act. Two clowns carried a red pedestal covered with white stars into the center ring, and Mr. Barlow hushed the crowd to make a special announcement.

  “Ladies-s-s-s-s-s and gentlemen-n-n-n-n-n!” he shouted in a deep voice. “Now it’s time for the act you’ve all been waiting for! This is the act you’ve seen on the posters, folks, the one I risked my life to get in a jungle in Thailand, the one you’ll be telling your grandchildren about! And now I introduce to you, for their first ever performance in the Barlow Brothers’ Circus, Lilly the Albino Princess from Siam and her Albino Elephant, Pepper!” He raised his arm and looked at the back end.

  Lilly swallowed and glanced down at Cole standing beside Pepper. Cole winked up at her and gave her a nod. She brushed her feet against Pepper’s side and urged her forward, past the trapeze artists making their way out of the hippodrome after their act. When she and Pepper entered the big top, she raised one arm and, despite her nerves, smiled at the audience. The band played “Jungle Queen” as Pepper carried her into the center ring, her trunk curled in salute. Then Pepper lifted Lilly from her head and placed her on the pedestal. The crowd clapped and whistled.

  Lilly raised her arms in a V and turned to address each section, a smile glued on her face. Then she jumped down from the pedestal and faced Pepper, who waited patiently. Lilly nodded once and Pepper rose on her hind legs, her front feet in the air, and trumpeted loudly. The rubes laughed and applauded.

  Lilly made a downward gesture with her hand and Pepper dropped down on all fours. Then she nodded again and pointed at the ground, and Pepper leaned forward, tucked her head toward her chest, pushed her back feet into the air, and did a headstand. With a dramatic flair, Lilly smiled and extended her hand, inviting the audience to adore Pepper. They cheered and roared with applause. Then Lilly lay on the ground in front of Pepper’s trunk, directly beneath her raised haunches, and little by little, the crowd grew quiet in breathless anticipation.

  Ever so slowly, Pepper dropped her hindquarters and sunk lower and lower, until her massive bulk covered everything but Lilly’s head. Women gasped and covered children’s eyes. Pepper waited a moment, then pushed herself into a sitting position and rested a front foot on Lilly’s skull. A smattering of small shrieks burst from the audience. Pepper raised her trunk in triumph, then, ever so slowly, lifted her foot. Lilly got up, waved to the audience, and, smiling in delight, rubbed Pepper’s broad belly. The whitewash felt hard and dry and for a terrifying second, Lilly thought she had rubbed it off. Still smiling, she glanced at Pepper’s belly and breathed a silent sigh of relief. The whitewash was still there.

  She skipped toward the other side of the ring and glanced over her shoulder as if expecting Pepper to follow. But Pepper got down on her knees and rolled over on her side as if taking a nap. The bandmaster signaled the band to play a lullaby and laughter rippled through the crowd. Lilly put her hands on her hips and went over to Pepper, frowning and pretending to be frustrated. Pepper lay still as a stone. Lilly shrugged, climbed up on Pepper and lay on her side, her hands folded beneath her head, her eyes closed. The lullaby played on and the audience grew quiet again. Then Lilly sat up and stretched, pretending to yawn. The rubes laughed. Lilly stood, shook her head, made her way along Pepper’s side, jumped down from her neck, and started walking away.

  Pepper sat up and caught Lilly around the waist with her trunk. Lilly opened her mouth in mock surprise. People chuckled nervously, unsure if it was part of the act. Pepper got to her feet, still holding on to Lilly, and pulled her toward her. Lilly put her hands over her mouth and pretended to be afraid. The band started a fast number, then moved into a waltz. Pepper let go and Lilly strolled away, smiling and dancing around the perimeter of the ring, moving her arms in time with the music. Pepper followed, her head and trunk swaying back and forth. The audience laughed and clapped.

  Lilly danced around the ring one more time, then led Pepper over to the pedestal and climbed on while Pepper lowered her massive bulk to the ground. Lilly stepped onto the back of Pepper’s neck and remained standing, her knees slightly bent, her arms out f
or balance. Pepper pushed herself up and promenaded around the ring, her trunk held high while Lilly smiled and blew kisses to the audience. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Cole watching from the back end, a wide grin plastered on his face. After several times around the ring, Pepper took Lilly back to the pedestal and waited for her to slide off.

  Everyone clapped and started to stand, but Lilly put up a finger to let them know there was more. A drum roll started, and she raised her arms and nodded once. Pepper stood on her hind legs again and Lilly lowered her arms. Pepper bent forward, wrapped her mouth around Lilly’s head, and lifted her from the pedestal. The crowd gasped and a woman screamed. Lilly extended her arms, palms up to let everyone know it was part of the act, and the rubes went wild.

  With Lilly still hanging from her mouth, Pepper climbed onto the pedestal and stood with her back arched, all four feet crowded together. She curved her trunk around Lilly like a swing and released her from her mouth. Lilly hooked an arm around Pepper’s trunk, smiled, and pointed her toes. Pepper raised her trunk, holding Lilly aloft, and stood on her hind legs. The audience exploded with delighted cries.

  Then Pepper deposited Lilly on her head, climbed down from the pedestal, and departed the big top to the cheers of a standing ovation.

  CHAPTER 24

  JULIA

  After seeing the newly developed pictures from the camera in her father’s desk drawer, Julia couldn’t sleep. The wind had come up and the house shutters clattered against the sills. The tree branches rattled against the windows, and she swore she heard rats in the house again, scurrying through walls and thumping along ceilings. The unsettling noises seemed to echo the thoughts in her mind, banging and leaping and ricocheting inside her skull.

  Why did her father have Lilly’s things in his desk? Who was the baby in the picture? Her, or her dead sister? It was hard to tell if the baby looked as much like Mother as she did, but maybe her sister was a result of the affair, and therefore her half sister? Was it possible her father’s business trips to buy and sell horses were a cover-up for meeting Lilly and his other daughter? Is that why her parents were so unhappy? And what had they done that needed forgiveness? More importantly, how was she ever going to put all the pieces together and learn the truth? When she finally fell asleep after three a.m., her dreams were filled with clowns and elephants and sideshow freaks.

  The next day, a heavy rain lashed the trees and buildings, turning the estate grounds into a muddy mess. Julia pulled a wool toque over her head and made her way over to the barn to ask Claude if he knew how to get into the attic. Something had to be done about the rats before they multiplied, and the attic seemed like the logical place to start. By the time she made it to the barn office, her pants and hair were soaked and she wished she’d waited until the rain let up. She found Claude bent over in a stall, cleaning out a horse’s hoof.

  “Do you know how to get into the attic?” she said. “I keep hearing rats and I need to figure out how they’re getting in and where they’re nesting.”

  “Nope,” he said. “Never been up there.”

  “Well, I can’t find a staircase or a trapdoor anywhere,” she said. “Don’t you think that’s odd?”

  Claude shrugged and kept working.

  “Could you come over to the house and help me look? Maybe set some traps?”

  “Busy right now.”

  “I know. Just come over when you’re finished.”

  He straightened and bent over again to pick up the horse’s other front foot. “Can’t today. I’ve got to clean up the broken branches in the yard before it storms again.”

  “It’s pouring out.”

  “Need to catch up on paperwork then.”

  Julia’s shoulders dropped and she sighed. She had tried to be pleasant, but her patience was wearing thin. “Are you upset with me for some reason? Other than making you bring the nurse mare’s foal back and taking in the orphan? I know that’s not how you’ve been doing things around here, but I—”

  “Nope.”

  “They why won’t you talk to me? Why won’t you look me in the eye? Why is helping me find a way into the attic too much to ask?”

  He dropped the horse’s leg, straightened, and regarded her, his face void of emotion. “I’m just trying to do my job, Miss Blackwood.”

  “Well, it’s seems like you’re annoyed with me, or avoiding me, or. . . I don’t know.” She threw her hands in the air. “Are you upset because I’m here? I know you don’t like change and you think I’m too young to be your boss, and I’ll admit I’ve got a lot to learn but—”

  He shook his head, his mouth in a hard, thin line.

  “What is it then?” she said. “You seemed fine when I first arrived. But after that your attitude changed. Did I say something wrong?”

  “Nope.” He stared at her, unyielding, resolute.

  She couldn’t shake the feeling he was hiding something. Maybe he knew about her father’s affair, or whatever it was that her parents had done to her sister. Maybe he kept her at a distance because he didn’t want her to ask questions. Why else would he avoid talking to her? Then another thought hit her and she drew in a sharp breath. Oh dear God, maybe he and Mother were having an affair.

  “Did you think my mother was going to leave the farm to you?” The words came out before she could stop them.

  He clenched his jaw, his temples throbbing in and out. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it. But I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to prove to you that I’m a good person. Maybe I should give up.” She turned and started to walk away. “Never mind, I’ll ask Fletcher for help.”

  “Miss Blackwood?” Claude called out.

  Julia turned around, hoping he had changed his mind. “Yes?”

  “The rat poison is on the top shelf in the tack room.”

  She deflated. “Okay,” she said. “Thanks.” She thought about saying she needed to find out where the rats were before she figured out how to get rid of them, but changed her mind. There was no point in irritating him further. She left the barn and went back to the house, gusts of rain hitting her face like a thousand tiny bullets. Maybe Claude’s disregard for her was simpler than what she imagined. Maybe after working for her parents for twenty-seven years, he had become just like them. Whatever the case, they needed to learn how to get along before things got any worse.

  She hung her wet coat up in the mudroom, changed into dry clothes, found a flashlight in a kitchen drawer, and went up to the third floor again, determined to find a way into the attic. Perhaps she missed the attic door the first time around. After all, there were so many rooms and doors and closets. This time she searched every bathroom and bedroom, felt along walls and thumped the insides of closets, examined every ceiling for pull-down trapdoors. Again, she found nothing.

  In the last bedroom at the end of the main hall, she entered the odd little extra room and pulled the string on the bare bulb. She set the flashlight on the claw-foot table and pushed aside the hatboxes to get closer to the walls. Then she stopped, suddenly uneasy. The headless dressmaker’s dummy seemed to be watching, judging her for searching the house. It almost felt like Mother was scrutinizing her from the great beyond. Before proceeding any further, she dragged the dressmaker’s dummy out of the little room and draped a sheet over it. Then she went back in and ran her fingers along the wainscoting to see if she had missed the outline of a short door, even though it seemed like an odd place for an attic access in a home as large as Blackwood Manor. Because judging by the house’s footprint, the attic had to be enormous.

  Again she was reminded that she had no idea about the manor’s history, who had built it or how old it was. Her parents never talked about the past, so it should have come as no surprise that she knew nothing about their house. And now, knowing her parents had secrets to hide, it made sense. Then she had another thought. Maybe she couldn’t find the way into the attic because someon
e knew she’d discover more than rats. After all, attics were like personal history museums, where people stored remnants of bygone days. And sometimes the answers to family secrets.

  More determined than ever, she stood on her tiptoes and felt along the tops of the walls. The corners and ceiling edges felt solid and thick. She pressed her hand along the back wall, moving toward the center where the tapestry hung over the claw-foot table.

  And then she saw it.

  The tiniest of movements.

  The tapestry stirred.

  She put a hand on the edge of the tapestry. It felt cold, as if cooled by an icy breath.

  She grabbed the claw-foot table and dragged it away from the wall. It was heavier than she thought, but a sudden rush of adrenaline made it seem effortless. Her flashlight clattered to the floor, but she ignored it and reached up to take the tapestry rod down, fighting the urge to rip it off the wall. To her surprise, the rod was nailed to the wood instead of resting on brackets. Then she noticed a cord in the space between the rod and the top of the tapestry, dangling next to one of the hanging tabs. It was the same dark red as the wallpaper, and if she hadn’t been trying to take down the rod, she never would have seen it. She lifted the bottom of the tapestry, found the tasseled end of the cord, and pulled. The tapestry rolled up like a window blind.

  Julia gasped and stepped back.

  There was a door in the wall.

  CHAPTER 25

  LILLY

  Four months after her first appearance with Pepper under the big top, Lilly stood next to Cole inside Mr. Barlow’s car, a protective hand over her lower abdomen. Merrick sat on a stool near the kitchen counter, staring at her and spitting tobacco juice in the sink.